Forgive me, father, I have sinned.

Not that I was a religious person, but when I grew up it was in a catolic family with a strong sense of moral, love and surrounding for God's words. A conservative environment that made me walk a lineal path directed for a book with thousands of years old and a group of old people, whose mentality it was more older.

I felt different since always, and made my own path in the live but I wasn't a rebel. I just shift between the security of the known and the curiosity of the temptation.

What I have done?

Well, the first time I found out the dark places inside me was when I found out the porn that my cousin watched in the night. It was a day of the weekend in the house of my uncle, no school the next day and no desire to go to bed. I was a teen with curiosity and skilled with the technology, so when the computer was in my hands, it was like I had discovered a mountain of gold but also found the guilty.

The curiosity and the guilty had been poisoning me little by little. Never happened that the placer wasn't followed for the embarrassment or the pain from knowing that I was going to burn in the eternal fire. But it was so sweet and forbidden, that my addiction was stronger than my fear of falling.

Fallen looks the right choice if the feel was so damn good.

Since then, I have done so many things. The dark places inside me have grown up until venom my sistem. I live on a fine line between the good and the bad. While everybody thinks that I am an exemplary person from a conservative family, I walk in the shadows to feel the intoxicating placer of life and fill the emptiness in me.

How do I live with these feelings?

These feelings always stay under the surface, they are a part of me. The good and the evil dance around me, like an energy that feeds me and makes me stronger and more awake of the wrongness.

Am I going on to hell or to heaven? Some days I think I go the right way; work, family, friends and banalities. But some days, I need to lose myself, enjoy a little and be more liberal. What's wrong in being happy? I don't hurt anyone but me with my habits.

The rules of the society are boring. And I don't care what people think of me but I don't wanna share how I live. So I tolerate these feelings that fill my emptiness, cause they are what I am.

Am I a regretful person?

I regret many things... the relationship with my family, the relevance to certain customs, try to be what everyone expects me to be. I think I would have been more happy and delightful If I wasn't trying to satisfy the desire of my family to follow God in every step of my life.

He was in every aspect of my life: parents, family, house, school. And instead of going to him for help and courage, he turned out to be the image of rectitude, severity, atonement, guilt, and suffocation.

And that's the way that I don't know the placer or happiness without the bittersweet feelings of the sins, which come to me like a poisoning hurricane.

How Am I live?

I follow the path that I create, between the lightness and the darkness. Sometimes I pray for my family and sometimes for my sins. During the day I am the respectful person that my family wanna trust I am, and at night I lose myself in the temptation. Some days I am so tired to find forgiveness, and some days I am willing to be protected by a superior power that can save me.

I just want salvation but I don't want to resign from nothing. Not at least to the sin that feeds me.

"Wait... Are u calling me a sinner?" their eyes found mine. I breathe a little too deep. He was gorgeous and mortal, he was my happiness and torment, he was my salvation and my doomed. He was everything but a sin.

"No at all... you are my God" I answer, smiling softly.