Satan glanced down at his nails. They were black, long, and twisted. He scoffed, remembering a time he would file them to points when he was bored and waiting. Smartphones had really improved his quality of life.

For a vain and evil creature of course any publicity is good publicity. Notoriety makes the devil as giddy as a middle school girl whose selfie receives a hundred likes. Yes, business was booming in general in the underworld since the advent of the internet. 

Satan scrolled casually through Tik Tok admiring his fans, but finally even he got that icky emotional feeling one gets when one's wrist begins to cramp after looking at one's phone for too long. Plus this whole situation he awaited was ridiculous. He couldn't believe he'd agreed to this preposterous arrangement.

"Shouldn't this auction have started by now?" he asked. His voice echoed in the vast chamber of the auction hall. Satan's presence had caused an unnatural dimming of the lights and a thick dark smoke to fill the corners of the room and seep between the rows and rows of empty seats. 

At the front of the room stood the auctioneer, sweating nervously. Wet spots were forming under his armpits despite being dressed in an otherwise impeccable suit. He startled when the devil spoke and, hand shaking, pulled a pocket watch out of his trousers.

"Ttttt...two minutes to go," stammered the auctioneer.

Marvin McHenry, his client, sat looking calm in a chair beside him. 

"Tell me what I'm doing here again?" boomed Satan.

Marvin straightened his tie and Satan noticed him muster a smarmy smile that few people can in the presence of the devil.

"If I'm selling my soul, I want it to go to the highest bidder," he said crisply. 

Satan rolled his eyes. Like anyone else is showing up, he thought. This guy is a loser.

Two minutes ticked by and the auctioneer cleared his throat and began. "Shall we start the bidding at a million dollars?"

Satan scoffed and held up his paddle. "A ton of gold! " he declared. 

The auctioneer looked perplexed.

"It's a standard request," replied Satan, irritated. When the auctioneer continued to look confused he continued. "Estimated worth, sixty million dollars."

"Opening bid, sixty million dollars," said the auctioneer. "Sixty million dollars." He paused.

The hall remained silent. Satan felt annoyed that these loons were wasting his time, when suddenly the auctioneer began squinting at the back of the room. Satan turned. A figure sat in the last row barely visible in the mist. But the bidder raised their paddle.

"Two tons," came a small voice.

"Two tons," repeated the auctioneer. "Two, tons, two, tons, do I hear another offer, two tons."

Satan raised his paddle. "Two tons and looks as good as George Clooney."

The auctioneer parroted the offer. But quickly the paddle in the back went up. And the bidding war had started. 

Marvin sat smugly. This was going better than he expected. Finally, came an offer Satan couldn't match.

"Your mother's eternal love."

The blood ran out of both Satan and Marvin's face to the sound of a record needle zipping briefly across the surface of the vinyl. Neither had anticipated this. The auctioneer, now with renewed bravery given how well things were going, prattled on without noticing their response.

Satan's face grew bright with fury. He nodded a 'no' to the auctioneer.

"Going once..." said the auctioneer.

Satan turned to go.

"No please," begged Marvin, jumping up and running to Satan's side. "Take me with you!" but the devil hissed  and disappeared in a puff of black smoke.

Marvin's mother walked to the front of the room.

"And now you are all mine forever and you will clean your room when I tell you to!"