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FOUR. NOVEMBER 2ND, 1984
⁺‧₊˚ ཐི⋆♱⋆ཋྀ ˚₊‧⁺

Chapter Warning .ᐟ
▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃
Depictions of sexual harassment & vague
allusions to a past suicide attempt. Read at
your own risk.

Once upon a time, autumn had been Jude's favorite season.

Back then, the sight of the leaves starting to turn different shades of yellow and orange and red made her more excited than anything else in the world. The leaves changing color meant that soon they would start falling off the trees. When they fell off the trees, that meant the gardener would rake them all up into piles. And when they were raked into piles, that meant it was time for Jude to leap into them.

After that it was Halloween, which meant she got to put on some silly costume and pretend to be someone else for the day. At the end of the night, she and Quinton would retire to the basement and gorge themselves on candy until they were too sick to eat anymore.

It really sucks that the love she once had for the season has all but disappeared now. When she watches a golden, dried out leaf dance across the gravel parking lot, all she can think about is all of the things that went down the year before.

At least the sun is out today, so the atmosphere isn't completely depressing.

Today has been truly exhausting for Jude. Now that it's November, her dad has started to get on her case about college applications. Which means she was up all night doing research and getting a head start on writing her essays. Then, there's the big football game coming up that marks the end of the season, so she's been choreographing a big number for the cheer time.

Quinton went home with his friends the day before, and he still hasn't made a reappearance. She's a bit concerned for his wellbeing but this isn't the first time he's spent multiple days with his friends. And it also means she doesn't have to worry about waiting for him by her car.

No, because instead, she gets to worry about a familiar voice calling her name.

"Princess, where're you off to?" They call out, and Jude freezes. The hair stands up on the back of her neck, and she feels goosebumps erupt all across her skin.

She just wants to go home.

With a frustrated sigh that's quiet enough for only herself to hear, she turns around to see Billy trailing behind her.

Please, please, let this be quick, she thinks to herself. Though she has a feeling it definitely won't be.

"Uh... I'm going home." She replies, gesturing in the direction of her car.

He nods slowly, and by now, he's standing directly in front of her. He reeks of cigarette smoke. "Bo-ring. I was thinking maybe you should come get a bite to eat with me. It'll be fun."

Even if she wasn't completely exhausted, there is no world where she would agree to that. "Oh, haha. I've actually got some homework to do, I've gotta get home."

She tries to walk away, but he grabs her wrist and holds her back with a tight grip. The suddenness as well as the pain that shoots up through her arm causes her to yelp.

Okay. It's not like they're in the middle of nowhere and completely alone. There's other students around, maybe she could try to catch someone's attention. But then again, she has a feeling they would just believe whatever cover Billy conjures up.

"You know, this whole hard to get thing is cute, princess, but it's also starting to get really fucking old." He tugs her towards him, so his breath is pressed against her ear.

Jude stays quiet, safe only for the sound of her quick, shallow breaths. She has to choose her words carefully, and avoid saying anything that could set him off. She settles on, "I'm not trying to play hard to get with you. I really don't even have the time to be dating, honestly."

His hold tightens more, and she's almost worried he's going to break one of her bones. "Is that the excuse you give all the other guys that try to get with you?" He asks with a low, unamused laugh. "Well, that shit's not gonna work on me. I know you want this too, you don't gotta lie to me, sweetheart."

The feeling of his fingertips slithering up and down her side makes her nauseous. Billy Hargrove isn't the first boy to pursue her, not by a long shot. But he's definitely the first to be this insistent with her, and she doesn't know what to do. She considers herself to be prepared for a lot of things, but not anything like this.

She makes a weak attempt to free herself from his grasp, just to test the waters, and he really does not like that. "Please, Billy, just let me go. We can talk more later. I mean, we've only known each other for what, three days? Let's just give it time." She tries to reason with him, but it doesn't seem to work.

Just when she thinks it can't get any worse, it does.

His free hand slides down her hip, then snakes around, and she feels him squeeze.

He just grabbed her ass.

Anger like she's never known it before overcomes her, and she acts before she even gets the chance to stop and think. It all happens so fast, she's barely able to register what's happening until the heel of her palm is colliding with his cheekbone. It takes a second for her to realize she just smacked him across the face.

Thankfully, it seems to shock him more than it does her. His grip on her falters, and she's able to slip out of his grasp. Her heartbeat is so loud in her ears, like someone's beating down on her eardrums, and it's all she can hear as she starts to back away.

She swears there's steam coming out of his ears, and he's glaring at her so intensely she worries he could kill her with just his gaze alone. Her palm stings and when she glances down, it's starting to turn red. Wow, she really didn't imagine it. She really just slapped him, and she's pretty sure he might murder her now.

"I'm sorry!" She squeaks out, even though she knows she has nothing to be sorry for, she just wants to diffuse the situation the best she can. As quickly as her little Mary Janes can carry her, she scurries towards her car. It doesn't seem like he's following her, which she's extremely grateful for.

Everything she does after getting into her car seems to blur together. She's too busy replaying the moment over and over again, she doesn't even remember the drive from the high school to her house. All of a sudden she's pulling into her driveway, and reality starts to set in.

When she closes the front door to her house, she has to pause in the massive foyer and lean against the wall. Her legs no longer wish to carry her any further.

"Quinton? Is that you?" Her mother's voice rings out. Out of her peripheral vision, Jude sees her mother round the corner and walk into the room. "Oh, Judy. You haven't heard from your brother, have you?" She asks.

Jude remains quiet, her gaze trained on the floor.

"Judy?"

Her fingers start to shake, and her vision's gone completely blurry. She feels like her head's under water; she can feel pressure building up, and her mother's voice sounds far away. It's terrible. It all feels terrible. She wants to throw up.

And vomit she does, but rather than her lunch, it's a bunch of words. "A boy at school grabbed my ass, and I slapped him," the confession tumbles out of her lips.

She thinks maybe her mother freezes, but she can't really tell.

"...did what?" She's barely able to make out the question from her mother, and finally she drags her gaze up to meet hers. Her vision is still blurred until she blinks, and salty tears spill onto her cheeks.

"He... He grabbed my ass." She reiterates, and she doesn't bother trying to hide the way her voice wavers.

Her mom grabs her arm. "No, Judy, what did you do?" She asks in a more firm tone than before.

Jude looks down at where she's got a grip on her, confused by the reaction. It doesn't take long for her to realize, though.

What did you do?

"I-I slapped him," she tells her mom once more, then tugs her arm free from her. Luckily, her grip isn't nearly as strong as Billy's was.

Billy.

The hairs on the back of her neck jump, and she's darting down the hallway to the nearest bathroom. Once again, she vomits--this time, though, she really vomits.

She gags and gags until her abdomen is sore, and nothing comes up except for some saliva. By the time she's finished, her knees feel like they've been split down the middle by the hard tiles, and her throat burns. She hopes that maybe throwing up helped with the awful pit in her stomach that has been festering and growing since she left the parking lot.

But, no. In fact, as she reaches up to wipe her lips with the back of her hands, she's pretty sure it's doubled in size.

She flushes the toilet, and pushes herself to her feet, despite her quivering legs. And when she starts to wash her hands, she glances up to see her mother's reflection in the mirror. She stands in the doorway, arms folded across her chest as she watches Jude carefully.

She didn't even help hold her hair back.

"You slapped a boy?" Her mother's voice is hauntingly cold.

Jude turns off the water. "Yeah. I did."

Her mother is quiet again, and she dries her hands off on the towel.

She waits for a second, using the edges of the sink as support, but her mom remains silent. It seems like she has nothing she wants to say to her. Jude doesn't know why she's surprised.

When leaves the bathroom and walks towards the stairs, however, her mother is right on her heels. "Judith Lillian Monroe, I can't believe you would do something so... So reckless!" She shouts.

Jude stills at the base of the stairs. "What?"

"You heard me." Lillian snaps at her. "I thought I raised you right. I thought I taught you how to react in situations like this, and not make an embarrassment of the family. I cannot believe that you would do something like this."

If she felt angry when Billy had assaulted her, then Jude is infuriated now. Each and every word that just left her mother's mouth was like its own separate spark to the flame that grows bigger and bigger inside her. She feels like surely there must be smoke radiating off of her as she slowly turns to face her mother.

"You thought you raised me right?" She echoes in a quiet voice.

"Yes, Jude. I thought that even though we have our differences, and you have your grudges against me, that we understood each other."

"Let's get one thing clear, mother," Jude stomps over towards her mom, and jabs a finger into her chest, "you did not raise me. I raised myself."

"Really? You really believe that?" Her mom scoffs and shakes her head. "Is this the kind of bullshit we're paying Ms. Kelley to tell you? I'm going to have to talk to your father about finding you a new counselor." She mutters the last part herself, and it's obvious she's not taking this seriously at all.

Jude rolls her eyes. "No, mom, it's not just because of Ms. Kelley. I've felt this way long before I started talking to her."

"Oh, really? You have?" Lillian lets out an unamused laugh. "You really think it's fair to discredit all of the hard work I put into raising you? Do you know how incredibly selfish you sound right now?"

"No, you are the one that sounds selfish!" Jude shouts back, her patience finally snapping. Once again, hot tears have sprung from the corners of her eyes and begin to flood her sight. "I tell you that a guy groped me and that I stood up for myself, and your first reaction is to blame me for embarrassing our family! Do you know how selfish that is?"

"Honestly, Jude, do you expect me to believe that you gave that boy zero reason to do that?"

The house falls quiet, and all that Jude can do is stare at her mother in disbelief. Not only was she blaming Jude for her reaction, but now she's blaming her for it happening at all? She's learned to never expect anything from her mother, but she still didn't expect for her to do this.

Her mom seems to realize the weight of her words, and she sucks in a deep breath. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that, Jude. I just... You should go and apologize to him when you go back to school on Monday. Before word starts to spread around town."

"No! No way! Why would I do that?"

"Because, Jude, I'm your mom and I'm asking you--"

"You're only ever my mom when it's convenient to you!" Jude cries out, finally letting the words she's been holding back for so long loose. It feels like a weight's been lifted off of her shoulders, until she realizes she really just said that, and now there's a new weight.

Lillian blinks at her, clearly surprised by her outburst. Then, her lips curl, and her eyes narrow. "How dare you say that?"

"You try to be my mom now, so I'll save you from embarrassment. You try to be my mom and to get me to gossip with you. You try to be my mom only when it makes you look like a good mom. But what about last year? When I was holed up in my room, dying on the inside, where were you? You didn't even notice how awful I felt until I was curled up on my bedroom floor, covered in my own vomit! Where was my mom then, hm? Where were you?"

Everything Jude's been holding back is finally being released, like a dam being broken. As she shouts at her mother, spit flies from her mouth, and tears drench her cheeks. It feels so good to get it all out, but the second she's done, all of her mother's possible reactions stir a new kind of anxiety inside of her.

But, really, she's dying to know: "Where was my mom?"

Her mom is silent, but Jude can see the glaze roll over her eyes. She's trying to keep up a brave face, but Jude can see right through it. Part of her hates that she's caused her mother to cry. The other part, though, is glad. This is probably the most emotion she's ever seen from her, now that she thinks about it.

Finally, Jude gets tired of standing there, waiting for her mom to say something. It's obvious that she's not going to. "Yeah. That's what I thought." She says coolly.

As she turns to continue on up the stairs, she hears her mom clear her throat. "Please, Jude. Just apologize to him."

Of course, Jude thinks to herself. Of course that's what she's worried about.

She stills for a minute, trying to come up with some kind of a response. But eventually, she decides that maybe no response would be better.

When Jude makes it back up to her bedroom, she makes sure to lock the door behind her. She plops down on her bed, her gaze drifting over to her scrapbooking materials stored neatly on her desk. Not even her favorite activity could make her feel better right now. There's only one thing she thinks might be able to soothe the black hole threatening to eat her whole.

She draws her curtains closed, then falls asleep.

omg haiiii... yea this chapter is kind of intense soz...
but i think it's important to jude's character!!! my baby
princess angel i will save her... anyways! next chapter
will be more steve and things will start to pick up i
promiseeeee ❤️❤️