mentions of attempted suicide

* * *

Days passed. It felt like an eternity, seeming to last until the end of time. The more days that passed, the more hours, minutes, seconds that Wooyoung wasn't at school and barely messaged or called San, Mingi and Yunho, the more the denseness in San's chest increased. Each day of Wooyoung's absence ate away at his heart until it became physically tasking to smile, crack jokes, or even talk to the people around him. There was no way he could've done that when the boy he so dearly loved was basically stuck at home because of his shitty parents.

It sucked. It felt like everything was against them, and once again San was stuck in motion, forced to wait again and be patient for something he wasn't even sure he'd gain in the end. He had no idea what to do and how to react, because the one person that actually brought out the real him was nowhere to be seen.

Waking up was difficult, eating, sleeping -- everything. Even Seonghwa wasn't able to get him out of the mental quicksand he'd sunk himself in, because Wooyoung wasn't there. And there was nothing he could about it but to wish for the best outcome.

"I can't believe Wooyoung still hasn't returned to school," Mingi said that Friday morning during study hall. Him, Yunho and San had happened to all have free periods then, so they'd gathered together at the same rounded table. "I mean, what gives?"

Yunho looked the least bothered amongst them, but even then his mature set of eyes held deep-rooted frustration. "It's not the first time this has happened. It'll pass."

His words were meant to assure the other two males (especially San, because it was as clear as day that he looked the most affected by Wooyoung's disappearance), but they just didn't feel right. There was something in the atomosphere that prevented the lilac-haired male from allowing himself to believe Yunho, but he tried to ignore it, tried to blame it on the bipolar weather and how windy and turbulent the skies had looked all week.

"You think his parents would allow him to come over tomorrow?" Mingi asked again. He kept twirling about the black-inked pen in his fingers, a tell-tale sign that he was just as anxious as San was for Wooyoung's return.

"I don't know about tomorrow. Maybe Monday? Probably." Yunho sighed, biting his lip in thought while Mingi's arm brushed against his as a sign of comfort. Lately, it seemed as though both males had gotten a lot closer, from always walking side by side to class, to laughing at each other's jokes and just seeming to genuinely enjoy each other's company. And San was happy for them, he really was, but their soft interactions just made him miss Wooyoung a lot more.

I love you, Choi San. Wooyoung's despondent words vibrated through his mind like an echo until he could think about nothing else. San felt himself touching the locket hidden inside the confines of his school shirt. The thin silver pendant was cold to the touch, but sent sparks thrumming beneath his skin.

I love you, Choi San. Don't you ever forget that. Right then, San felt like he was home, because he could feel Wooyoung's presence in the locket. Could feel it in the lingering kisses they'd shared, their hands entwined and breaths syncing. Wooyoung was there in the grim skies, the calm sway of the trees and in every pulse that made up San's heartbeat. And soon enough, San hoped, he'd be there in person, because that was what they'd promised each other.

Before San could leave school after all his classes were done for the day, blood cascaded down his nose, and as he result he'd had to rush to the bathroom. Tumultuous thunder roared and clashed in the heavens, mixing in with the excessive buzzing in his ears as he bled again and again.

* * *

When Saturday arrived, which also happened to be Yunho's eighteenth birthday, Mingi'd gotten this sweet idea of hosting a small get-together at his place today as a way to properly celebrate the taller's birthday.

Mingi's family was extremely eager to comply, setting up a bunch of decorations to beautify the place, as well as preparing food that looked a bit too much for such a small amount of people. But their benevolent actions were still appreciated all the same.

San could tell Yunho was thankful for what Mingi and his family had done for him. Their gesture probably meant a lot more to him than San could've ever imagined, and it brought a smile to his face.

As San blew some more colourful balloons with Dabin, he found himself longing for Wooyoung's presence yet again. He wished the younger was there with him, celebrating this thoughtful birthday of one of his closest friends with him. He wondered what Wooyoung was doing, if he was eating and sleeping well, and if things had already cooled down between him and his parents.

Hell, the thought of the people who put Wooyoung in this position frustrated and angered San to no end. His jaw clenched, but he willed himself to remain calm and try and enjoy the party, no matter how hard it'd turn out to be. Soon, it would all be over, and Wooyoung would be back in his arms.

After handing Yunho his gift (which happened to be the one Wooyoung had bought for him on Wednesday), San spent the next hour eating, nodding along to the relaxing music playing from the bluetooth speakers, and laughing as he played entertaining videogames with Mingi and his family. Turned out they all liked, and excelled at them.

At that point in time, San actually felt okay. Mingi's family treated him like one of their own, and he'd never seen Yunho and Mingi smile so much. Sure, everything would've been much more perfect if Wooyoung had been there, but things weren't so bad.

Or so he'd thought.

As he was completing a huge puzzle set with Dabin and Yunho, the tallest's phone suddenly rang, alerting San's attention almost immediately. At first, he'd assumed it to be the usual phonecall. Maybe one from his parents, from his other friends or something. But Yunho's eyes enlargened ever so slightly, like he couldn't believe who'd rung him up.

"...Something the matter?" San found himself asking. He'd had little to no trouble talking to the blue haired male now, mostly because the taller's attitude had softened considerably towards him. It made San happy, because now he'd found a good friend in Yunho.

"Yeah," Dabin's high-pitched voice repeated. "Something the matter?"

Yunho stood up, before promptly picking up the call. "Wooyoung's father," he whispered to San.

San shot up as well. He couldn't help the way his heart began to beat rapidly. "Wooyoung's father?"

Yunho was silent for a while, but it didn't take long for his shoulders to stiffen. His posture grew more terse, and the hand holding the phone began to shake.

"Yunho?" It was Mingi who spoke this time. "What's going on?"

Yunho quickly shoved his phone into his pocket, before rushing towards Mingi's dad. "Sir, can you please drive me somewhere?"

Panic gushed through San's veins, because Yunho's face screamed impatience and alarm. He looked scared.

"Yunho, what's going on?" Mingi asked once more, placing a gentle hand on the taller's shoulder. But even with that, Yunho's body still drastically trembled.

"Wooyoung's dad said they can't find him anywhere. They -- " Yunho gulped, "they looked everywhere for him, but it's like he just disappeared."

"W-What?" San let out, his nails digging so deep into his skin he was sure it'd bleed. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Please," Yunho pleaded. His expression was one San had never seen before on him, but he'd recognized it. He'd had the same face after he'd woken up at the hospital and saw the death of his parents broadcasted on the news. "Please... I think I know where he went, but we really need to hurry."

* * *

San didn't know where he'd expected Yunho to bring them, but he'd never expected it to be at a beach. The place was empty, the skies overcast with rain that was probably going to swallow the earth very soon.

It gave San an eerie, disgruntled sort of feeling. His heart raced even more inside his ribcage, because he really hoped Wooyoung wasn't anywhere near this place.

Yunho didn't waste time in opening the door, and soon after San followed him with Mingi tailing behind them. The three males scoured the area with their eyes, trying to properly see through the fogginess and dark shadows.

Fuck, San inwardly cursed. He didn't want Wooyoung to be anywhere here, and as they continued to look around, their feet forming soggy footsteps over the grainy sand, he felt himself grow more and more discouraged.

"How...how are you so sure Wooyoung's around here?" Mingi questioned Yunho for the both of them, which San was thankful for. His throat felt too sore and his tongue too heavy to say anything right now. He was just so goddamn worried.

Yunho whipped his head around, the blue of his hair turning a dull cyan in their faded surroundings. "...He tried to drown himself here once, but then started frequenting this beach whenever he could. But I was always with him when he did."

San screwed his eyes shut as Yunho continued to shout Wooyoung's name. He felt like sinking, letting his knees dissolve into the sand before it eventually eats him whole, because he really couldn't do this right now.

Just focus, his mind commanded him then. Focus and find Wooyoung before anything bad happens to him!

As thunder bellowed and roared through the skies, a lone streak of lightning zipping past, San spotted a silhouette in the distance aimlessly drifting along the forceful waves of the sea.

In less than a second, San was already sprinting towards the water. Harsh, ice cold wind collided against his face, his lungs burning and the soles of his feet gliding across the freezing lumps of sand, but he didn't mind. He could hear someone shouting -- Yunho, Mingi, someone else? -- but he didn't pay them any attention. He just needed to get into the sea and save Wooyoung.

San could see the younger boy more clearly now. Wooyoung had on a white, long-sleeved shirt that dripped with salty water and clung to him. His long hair wasn't bouncy and wavy anymore, but now lifelessly hung around his emotionless face.

San swam deeper into the sea, pushing past the treacherous waves that were colder than anything he'd ever experienced in his seventeen years of being alive. The volatile sea water beat against his face and threatened to pull him under, but he was determined to get to Wooyoung. He had to.

"W-Woo," he choked out as soon as the younger was within arm's reach. San pulled Wooyoung close, his tremouring fingers shifting through the younger's hair in order to see his face more properly. "Woo, p-please. Please answer me."

Wooyoung was unresponsive, drawing out a pained, broken sob from the older. Agony poured itself into his chest and suffocated his aching lungs, and fuck, everything hurt. Everything fucking hurt.

Yunho showed up in front of them, but San wasn't looking his way. No, he kept staring at Wooyoung, trying to shake him out of unconsciousness.

"Wake up," he kept begging, even after Yunho had carried Wooyoung's body back to dry land. "Please, Wooyoung. P-Please wake up."

Mingi's father luckily knew CPR, but even with that Wooyoung still took some time to regain his consciousness.

After Mingi dialed the ambulance, help showing up only a couple minutes later, the paramedics pushed a soaked Wooyoung into the van, an oxygen mask strapped to his face.

While all this was happening, San couldn't stop the tears that kept spewing. The younger looked so small and defenseless inside that van, his skin a worrying ivory that exposed the purple of his veins.

"He'll be fine. He'll get treated," Mr Song tried to reassure San, but the purple haired male found it hard to calm his nerves down. Mingi and Yunho entered Mr Song's car deathly silent, unable to voice out anything after the drastic turn of events.

San was passed a spare towel as soon as he entered the backseat of Mr Song's car, which he slowly wrapped around his body. His teeth clattered, his chest bloody cold since he'd been the one who'd stayed the longest in the sea after Wooyoung. He couldn't even think of closing his eyes and succumbing to the exhaustion that had taken over him once Mr Song began trailing after the ambulance that held Wooyoung.

San just needed to know that Wooyoung was okay. There was no doubt about it -- Wooyoung had tried to end his life. San would be lying if he said that didn't wound him tremendously. It brought back memories he'd tried his best to repress, and that just saddened him more.

Back then, the thought of Seonghwa had been the one thing that had stopped San from giving up completely, and he found himself wondering if Wooyoung had thought about him too during that fateful moment where he'd balanced on the tightrope between life and death.

San screwed his eyes shut. He knew how Wooyoung had probably felt during those moments more than anyone else. Also knew all about those damned feelings of fatigue and depression that'd leeched off his soul during his first months of recovery. It was a harrowing, terrifying experience, one that San still felt the after-effects of until this point.

He wanted nothing more than for Wooyoung to never experience it, ever. He didn't deserve that.

So, as the car neared the hospital, San came to a conclusion that although wasn't pretty, still comforted him in ways he could never describe.

* * *

San stayed in the waiting room along with Yunho and Mingi while the redhead's father talked to the doctors about Wooyoung and how he was doing.

During all this, Wooyoung's parents were nowhere to be seen yet. San didn't care though, he never wanted to meet them in person and he was sure Wooyoung wouldn't have wanted them there either. In fact, they were probably the people who'd pushed the younger past his breaking point that he'd resorted to doing what he did.

Miraculously, San's phone still worked even when it'd taken a hefty dose of sea water, and so he dialed his cousin's number, the older male picking up in less than five seconds.

"San," Seonghwa said, his tone rushed and alarmed. "Oh my god, are you okay? I tried calling you several times but the call wouldn't go through, and then Wooyoung wasn't picking up his phone either."

The mention of Wooyoung brought San back to when he'd paddled through the bone-chilling waves of the sea and held an even colder Wooyoung in his arms. A shiver rushed down his spine, and fear gripped his heart once more even when he knew Wooyoung was in safe hands now.

"W-Wooyoung," San whispered, "he'd -- we saved him from drowning and now we're in the hospital."

"What?" Seonghwa sounded panicked. "Oh my god, what happened? How -- how did he end up there?"

"He -- he tried to die," San sniffed, wiping the tears that formed in his eyes with the back of his hand. He felt Mingi right beside him, soothingly rubbing his hand on his back. For once, San didn't mind the gesture.

"I'm on my way. Tell me where the hospital's located and I promise I'll be there soon," Seonghwa replied, and a bit of relief began to flood San's veins. He was really glad his cousin was coming, it made him feel better about this entire messed up situation.

Fortunately, Wooyoung regained his consciousness soon, and since his parents weren't around yet, the doctor allowed San, Mingi and Yunho inside.

And San, for some reason, felt like he shouldn't have been there even when he had every right to be.

Wooyoung looked tinier than usual on that hospital bed, but most of the colour had returned back to his face. As Yunho sat down next to him and tightly his hands, their eyes communicating words and feelings that only they seemed to know about, San started to feel even more like an intruder.

That was until Wooyoung looked up, his eyes meeting San's across the room. They were still their familiarly round shape, dark and piercing and reflecting off a multitude of bottomless emotions, but those were the eyes San knew, and those were the eyes he loved.

"So...I'm embarrassed," Wooyoung admitted with a chuckle that lacked in humour. He gestured to both Mingi and San, but his eyes -- those suffocatingly beautiful eyes of his -- were trained on San and San alone. "You guys can come talk to me, you know? We're friends."

If it hadn't been for the grim situation and Wooyoung sitting there with an IV drip hooked to his arm, then maybe they would've smiled. Maybe they would've laughed along or something. But that wasn't the case now. Wooyoung's tone was too nonchalant considering that he'd almost committed suicide, and it greatly worried San.

"I'm so glad you're okay." It was Mingi who spoke up first, inching over to Wooyoung's bed. The younger squeezed his arm in gratitude, but the air around them was tense. No one wanted to bring up the elephant in the room.

Wooyoung looked at San again, his eyes flashing with unmistakable guilt and shame. "San, don't do this to me. Please come here and talk to me. I missed you."

San walked up to him, feeling as if his legs would give way the more steps he took. Wooyoung kept looking at him though, kept maintaining their eye contact with a gaze filled with so much fondness it made San want to curl up in a corner and cry like a baby.

San couldn't help himself once he got to Wooyoung. He knelt and ran his thumb over the younger's cheek with so much care, like Wooyoung would've disappeared into thin air if he did any more than that.

But Wooyoung didn't seem to like that. He cupped San's palm in his and kissed it, just like he'd done when they'd kissed for the first time. It brought a fresh wave of emotions crashing down on San, and although he wasn't crying anymore, troublesome tears still stung the corners of his eyes.

"I-I could've lost you today, Woo," San uttered. That appeared to be the thing that hit Wooyoung the furthest, because he leaned back, a silent tear streaming down his cheek.

"I'm sorry," Wooyoung gasped with clenched fists. "I -- I really am."

San shook his head. "N-No. You don't need to apologize. You're alive, and that's all that matters..."

"I can't -- I can't help but hate myself though," Wooyoung inhaled short, unstable breaths. "When I got into the sea, I just... I wanted to go on and on. I-I wanted fucking drown in it so I wouldn't have to open my eyes ever again."

Wooyoung's mismatched breathing mixed with the thumping of San's heart. The older entwined their fingers, looking into Wooyoung's eyes that seemed to display every single emotion out there -- all except for hope.

"Hey..." San whispered, kissing the younger's tear-stained cheek. It was then he realized Yunho and Mingi weren't present anymore, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway. He would've done the same thing regardless. "It's alright. Everything's alright."

"I love you, San, so why? Why did I want to kill myself?"

"S-Sometimes the thoughts and emotions we feel at certain points in life are completely out of our hands. We just have to find ways to pull through it. We'll be alright, Woo," San replied, wanting to do more than just touch and hug the younger. But he knew he wasn't fully alright then, so they'd have to wait.

But then again, they had all the time in the world, right?

"My parents are sending me to my grandparents in the States next week."

San didn't know what to feel first. Devastation? Loss? Anger? Sorrow? But they didn't come one by one though -- they hit him all at once, tearing and ripping through his chest like metaphorical cuts so deep they made San feel like he was being burned alive. His limbs weighed him down like he was melting, sinking further and further into a deep abyss with nothing left to hold on to.

He felt so much, yet he only let out a disbelieving, barely-there smile. Because he should've expected this. He really should've. "...Really?"

Wooyoung nodded, his hands tightly fisting the surface of his bed. "...Yes."

The silence between them was so thick and palpable, because even though they had a lot to say, they just didn't really know how to say it.

"San... Please, say something." Wooyoung eventually broke the silence. His eyes looked bloodshot and lacked the childlike spirit they once had. He was broken.

San resisted the urge to bawl then and there, because he knew that wouldn't have solved anything. Crying wouldn't solve a situation like this.

So instead, his softly squeezed Wooyoung's hand, and forced on a small smile. "...Are your grandparents nice?"

Wooyoung's jaw clenched, his face mirroring that of sheer disbelief. "San..."

San sniffed and looked down, hating the horrible way his heart ached inside his chest. "I just -- I wanna know if everything's going to be alright when you get there."

"So now you're pushing me away, is that it? Now you don't want me anymore because you saw me trying to kill myself?" Wooyoung spoke, his tone betraying the utter defeat and panic he must've been experiencing.

San quickly shook his head. "No, Woo. That's not what I meant -- "

But Wooyoung wasn't having any of it. "Why have the locket I bought for the both of us around your neck when you're so eager to let me go and forget about me, huh?"

"Listen to me!" San begged. The tears were falling down now, but he didn't care. How could he possibly have when he knew that in just a few days, Wooyoung would be physically gone from his sight?

"I -- I know you hate this," San continued. His heartbeat thundered erratically inside his chest, beating against his eardrums. "And I hate it too, alright? I hate that this is happening to us, I hate that things are so out of control. But I want you to know that I want nothing but the best for you. I only want you to be happy."

"So you think my parents sending me over there is going to make me happy?" Wooyoung questioned, his discouraged eyes boring through San's.

San slowly caressed the younger's fingers with his thumb. "You don't look happy now."

Wooyoung just scoffed, using his free hand to wipe his eyes. "I'd be happy if my parents hadn't been involved."

"But sadly, that's the way things are for now." San willed himself to remain composed. He didn't want to break down. "S-So that's why you should focus on no one else but yourself when you're over there. And I..." San pulled out the locket Wooyoung had gifted him, "I'll focus on bettering myself here too..."

"I don't want to leave you," Wooyoung shut his eyes as more tears descended down his face.

San couldn't hold it in anymore. He pulled Wooyoung in close and buried his neck in his shoulder. The younger held him tight as well with the hand he could use, his tears soaking through the fabric of San's shirt.

Now San knew the iciest feeling in the world wasn't him being almost drenched and submerged inside the sea's turbulent waves, but it was the sound of Wooyoung breathlessly sobbing on his shoulder.

"I know it'll be hard, extremely hard," San spoke, "but we'll get through it. We'll call and text each other whenever we can, and we'll always carry our lockets around to remember the times we spent together."

Wooyoung's fingers fisted San's shirt, his grip gradually loosening the more the older's words sunk in. "I don't know w-when, or if I'm ever gonna come back."

"However long it takes, I promise I'll be waiting," San replied. "I'll wait for you, Woo. I won't ever forget you."

And San really wouldn't. He wouldn't forget Wooyoung's breathtaking eyes that held the moon and the stars and everything in between. He wouldn't ever forget Wooyoung's big smiles and contagious laughter, and how determined the younger had been to befriend him and make him gain more confidence in himself. Or how Wooyoung's heart synced perfectly with his when they laid under the covers together, the amount of heat his body provided San unmatched.

San wouldn't ever forget a thing, because he was in love with Wooyoung, and that wouldn't change anytime soon.

"I won't forget about you too," Wooyoung said. "There's no way I'd ever forget the most beautiful boy I've ever seen."

San laughed, one that was a little bit more real and decreased the pressure kicking at his chest. "Thank you. For everything. For listening and helping me through the hard times. Thank you for looking into the condition I had and for cheering me up and showing me what it's like to be loved. And yeah," San giggled, ruffling his almost dry hair, "I also really like the clothes you bought for me, as well as making me discover just how much I love my new hair colour."

Wooyoung scoffed, but he grinned after. "Of course. Let's...let's meet later on when we're the best versions of ourselves." He poked the older's arm. "And you better have your locket with you when we meet or I'm gonna kick you in the balls."

San chuckled. "Okay."

"And when we meet again you have to makeout with me, no matter the place."

"Okay, Woo." Now, San was blushing. "I will. When we meet again, we can do whatever you want and go wherever you wanna go."

Right then, two people that resembled Wooyoung entered, their unexpected presence igniting a sense of doom in San. He'd never clearly seen the younger's parents before now, but at that moment he'd wished he'd never met them at all.

Wooyoung stared at them with such excessive hatred it could rival a thousand scorching suns. He then reached out and let his fingers run along the base of San's jawline, before closing up the space between them with a chaste, lingering kiss; the biggest 'fuck you' to his parents because they couldn't crush his spirit anymore.

It caught San by surprise, but he didn't push himself back or move away as he was tired of being scared and apprehensive of the future. And right then, even under the scrutiny and open judgement from the people that gave Wooyoung life, he felt a lot freer than he'd ever felt in a long, long time.

And it was a wonderful, fantastic feeling.

* * *

a/n: there's an epilogue coming up! thoughts?