“You know, my sole purpose here talking to you is to help you get better and understand things better.” Fatima, her psychiatrist made it clear to her gently for one more time than she would care to count.

Just like every other time, she held the loud exhale that threatened to let itself out and announce it to Fatima that she was utterly bored of this line of hers, and said, “I know, Fatima. Trust me, I know. That’s why I spend an hour here every week rekindling the memories which I wish would remain buried. Just in hope that I get mental peace.”

“Then, maybe . . . just maybe, you shouldn’t lie to me and to yourself.” Fatima looked over at her from behind her glasses that made her look like a strict school principal. And Kubra felt truly admonished.

“I’ve never lied to you,” Kubra tied her hands on her belly and lowered her head so that her chin touched her neck, hoping the embarrassment wasn’t evident on her face. Who was she even kidding?

“No, I suppose not. When one spends too much time lying to himself, he often forgets what truth is.” Fatima left her notebook, something Kubra noticed she rarely did. Like everyone else, Fatima too had some quirks, Kubra had only figured out three of them. She entwined her fingers on the table and leaned forward. Even with good seven or so feet between the couch and her chair, Kubra felt as if she was piercing her soul with that dark gaze of hers, stripping all the layers she’d wrapped around herself. “So tell me, Kubra, have you forgotten what truth is?”

Kubra wasn’t in the calming environment of the doctor’s office anymore. The Goosebumps that erupted all over her skin left little to guess where she could be. There was only one place she’d been where she was defenseless against the cold.

The four grey walls around her were too narrowly spaced that they were barely enough to hold one person. Yet two other girls, exactly like her own, one with the meanest expression she didn’t even know she was capable of expressing, and one with most hopeful one, sat on the floor with her. Accompanying her. Befriending her. Torturing her.

She remembered the number of times she had sat between the two and wondered which one of the three was the real Kubra and which one was merely a figment. Like the empty person that she was, often times she was convinced she was in the head of one of the other two.

But no, she came to the same conclusion she always did. If she could still doubt, she could still question, she was in charge. Most of the times it didn’t feel that way, but she was still her own person and the other two were simply imaginations. Hallucinations.

She gasped back into reality and found Fatima waiting for her patiently. She hated when she did that. What it would take to bring her to the edge, she wondered. But that wasn’t the only thing she hated. She hated how she would force her without even forcing her to go back into that horrid place.

“No.” She exhaled through her nose loudly. “No, I haven’t. I know what the truth is. Better than anyone. Better than you.”

She emphasized the ‘you’ at the end, wanting her to understand that she was still her own self.

Fatima made herself comfortable on her chair, leaning back and crossing her legs. “Then, if you know I have only your best interests at heart and you know the truth, why are you holding back on me? What are you afraid of?”

“Being locked up inside four walls again, this time in a mental asylum,” she mumbled, more afraid to be made fun of than of the fear she was talking about.

“I’m sure whoever has walked through my office door has had that fear one moment or another. But I assure you, they are happily living their lives with their loved ones.”

“Your other patients didn’t have their own ghosts trying to convince them to suicide, did they?”

There was dead silence in the office; Kubra could even hear the whirring of the air conditioner. The rabbit was finally out of the box. With every second that passed without a word from Fatima, Kubra felt more and more self-conscious.

She shouldn’t have told her that. Now she was going to be sent into a crack-house.

But Fatima didn’t draw conclusions. She didn’t make any rash decisions. She didn’t think that seeing ghosts wasn’t normal.

Instead she looked at her with the most understanding of eyes and asked her to explain what she meant.

And so she did. Every single encounter she could remember with her mean self, from the first till the most recent just the night before. How the appearances occurred at the most random of times, at the most worst of times, when she was surrounded by crowd of her loved ones. How they had managed to convince her that she should die.

She spared no detail.

And in the end, Fatima asked her just one question which made her want the ground to open up and swallow her whole.

She asked, “Are they the reason you rejected Saad?”

*~*~*~*

~ Flashback ~ One Week Earlier ~

“Marry me then.”

Kubra couldn’t believe her ears. Had he really asked her that? The perfect, sweet Saad proposing to broken, empty Kubra to spend their lives together till the end of their days.

It felt surreal, a dream. A really good one.

And she had to make sure if it was a dream or not?

But she didn’t speak aloud. She didn’t dare increase her volume more than what he could easily hear, in fear that she herself would wake up from the dream if she spoke too loud.

“What?” she merely whispered.

Saad stroked her cheek with his thumb. Or maybe his thumb did that unintentionally, she wasn’t sure.

“I know this isn’t the most romantic proposal. Certainly not what you deserve, but it feels like the right time. I know I don’t want to spend a day without you. I know you can’t stand the time apart either. So it feels foolish to delay this one question. Miss Kubra Shahbaz, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

She closed her eyes to blink the tears away . . . which turned out to be a horrible mistake. It was either in the darkest of times or the happiest, when KB made her appearance, and lately even Saddy didn’t accompany her.

Just as she did now.

“Wow, another man expecting for you to fill shoes bigger than your size. Well, well. You really do have loads of them around you, don’t you, Kubra?”

What the hell are you talking about? She couldn’t feel Saad’s hand on her cheek or his leg pressing against hers. She couldn’t feel the wind ruffling her hair or the moon shining on her face. All she could feel was as if she was floating. In nothingness.

“Oh I know you know. Your father expects you to go get your degree. Your mother expects you to forget the horrible four years in a poof! And now Saad expects you to fulfill wifely duties. Excellent!”

Saad doesn’t think that!

“Oh really? How naïve could you get? How about you simply hit your head in a wall, in hopes that you forget everything? That’ll be a faster solution.”

You’re wrong!

“Then how come you keep listening to me? Why haven’t you told about me to that shrink of yours? You know I’m the only voice of reason now-a-days. And you know I’m the reason you survived in that dark place.”

Kubra didn’t have an answer for that. But the thought that Saad too, like everyone else was starting to expect too much of her started catching fire in her mind. Maybe like everyone else, Saad too had gotten frustrated with her lack of progress, and simply wanted her to start doing things what she normally would’ve done despite her mental state.

“You know I’m right,” KB whispered in her ear, but it felt more like an echo in the emptiness of her mind. “Keep your foot down and say no. You’ll do things when you want to! Not because someone wants you to simply overcome your problems!”

Someone shook her, but she could feel that only because she had the answer to the question. She let Saad’s scared voice guide her back to the reality and opened her eyes.

That proved to be a mistake as well.

Because Saad already seemed to know the answer, for the smoke of his green house was swirling with various emotions like disappointment, hurt, grief, heartbreak.

His hand slowly slipped away from her cheek. Not because he wanted to get away, but because he knew she needed space.

Her nose tingled. She stood up from the swing and waved her hands, trying to find the right words. But how could she? There were no right words.

“No . . . Not right now. Not yet, Saad. Please.”

The smile that broke onto his face was the most broken one she had ever seen. He jerked his head, or was it supposed to be a nod? His movement was so stiff, maybe he feared he would break himself if left loose.

“Of course. It doesn’t matter anyway.”

She never thought she’d run away. But she did. And how could she not? She didn’t know what to do.

She ran away into the house, up the stairs and into her room, shutting the door behind. She stood with her back against the door and breathed hard. Then she slid down, buried her head in her hands and let the tears flow.

She had just hurt the one person who never wanted to hurt her.

~End of Flashback~

*~*~*~*

And how she regretted doing that now!

Sitting on the stool in the kitchen, watching him make her a sandwich turned her insides into a guilty mess.

He didn’t make her feel as if she had done nothing wrong. He did everything as he used to do it before. He brought her breakfast every morning and left only after she had eaten every morsel of it. At lunch time, he took an extra hour break so he could pick her up from her house, take her to some quiet place and made sure she ate. At night, he stopped by her house first before his own house, to make sure he fixed her something himself, or make sure she ate what was made by her maid.

And he did so without any word of complain.

She knew he was tired of making all those detours during his hectic workday, and by the dark circles under his eyes, he wasn’t getting enough sleep.

She wanted to tie herself up as a punching bag and let Huma punch her like she knew she wanted to. She had broken his brother’s heart, after all. Not for the first time either.

“Here you go.” Saad placed the plate of chicken sandwiches in front of her and sat opposite her. She watched him rub his face, run his fingers through the hair that were now too long they didn’t keep out of his eyes, and then support his face on his fist.

He passed her a smile and waited for her to take a bite of the sandwich. She still braced herself for the wave of nausea, but it never came. Not when he was around.

“Why didn’t you become a chef? You could’ve been world famous!”

“I already am.” At his answer, she looked up and furrowed her brows. “I’m famous to you, aren’t I?”

The meaning in his sentence made her blush. Damn! Now she felt more bad.

And the truth was she knew whatever doubts KB had put into her mind were just a load of bullshit. But that load of bullshit had done a lot of damage.

And right now, she didn’t have the guts to make it right.

*~*~*~*

She was bored out of her mind. She had absolutely nothing to do. She wasn’t athletic, so sport was out of option. She couldn’t sit in a place for long and watch something, so Netflix was out of option. And she couldn’t bear to try to talk to her mother and end up irritated, so sitting with her mother was out of option.

She wished Huma was here with her. But she wasn’t talking to her for a week.

There was something her fingers itched to do. Those were the same fingers that trembled at the thought of holding a brush in them.

But how long can she just lay on the floor of her room, doing nothing? At one point or another, she’d have to muster up the courage and do something (for something else as well, but she was trying to avoid that subject even in her mind).

Determined, she went to the room which was just above hers and stood in front of it.

It wasn’t locked, but it wasn’t gonna open by itself. Her father had told her that they hadn’t touched a single thing in the room. If that were the case, she knew what she was gonna find in there.

And she was not ready to face the stupidity of her younger self who painted multiple portraits of the person she loved.

She placed her hand on the doorknob and breathed out.

Come on, Kubra. You can do it.

She twisted it.

No, I can’t.

She ran to her room again and locked herself in.

She could tell who was gonna make appearance next. And she didn’t want to see her. So she rummaged through the drawer of her dressing, until she found the bottle which held small tablets.

“I hate prescribing them,” Fatima had said, putting the bottle on her table. “And I absolutely hate using them.” Kubra could tell she had said that to put her mind at ease, to make her understand that she wasn’t alone. “But from what I can understand, you are suffering from severe depression and PTSD. Anger, irritation and hallucinations are just some of the symptoms. Take this whenever you feel like having an emotional outburst . . . Kubra, you can’t let these hallucinations take control of yourself!” The last warning was something Kubra had known for a very long time, but it was easier said than done.

She popped two of the pills into her mouth, and waited for her involuntary actions to become normal.

*~*~*~*

“Why do I always fall short of whatever standards you hold worthy of yourself?”

How she wished she was deaf at that moment so she wouldn’t have to hear the hurt in Saad’s voice. And especially when she didn’t know the answer.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Why are you apologizing to him? It’s clear you love me. You can’t give yourself to someone else.” Someone else spoke from behind her and turned around abruptly to see who he is, though she already recognized his voice.

Yusuf, as always, looked his usual handsome self.

His sight immediately filled her with loathing.

But that didn’t stop her from enjoying the butterflies that inhabited her stomach as his hands cupped her face and his lips lowered on hers.

The last thing she saw was Saad moving away from her in hurt before. . .

She woke with a gasp.

She didn’t know what she was doing or what she was supposed to do, but apparently her body did. And she was glad it did, because her mind was all over the place.

She got dressed in all black t-shirt and pants, grabbed a black jacket, hoping she could slip out easily in the night without her mother crying buckets.

Then she stole/borrowed her father’s car keys, bribed the guard not to tell her parents and she would come home soon (that wasn’t easy, because the guard was an old man who cared for Kubra like a daughter rather than an employer) and drove the car to the familiar yet empty neighborhood she knew she had to be without wasting a single second.

Her breath became mist before her eyes, the cold wind slapping her and forcing redness into her cheeks. She shifted her weight from one foot to another, trying to keep warm as she waited Saad to open the door at midnight.

She heard movement behind the door and her heartbeat went wild.

The door had barely opened and Saad had less than a second to process who it was before she jumped up on him, and wrapped her arms around his neck and legs around his waist tighter than a monkey.

“What-”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She sobbed into his neck.

“Kubra, are you okay?” he tried to pull her back a bit, just to look her in the eyes, but her grip remained firm.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, I swear I didn’t. I regretted it as soon as the words were out of my mouth. I’m sorry. Please, please don’t leave me. I’m sorry.”

He locked the door and moved inside the house. He again tried to pull her away and this time, she let him.

Her face was blotched from crying, her cheeks were wet and eyes, red. It broke his heart more than her rejection.

“I promise you, I’m not leaving. What is it?” She continued sobbing. “Are you okay?” She shook her head. “Are you hurt?” She shook her head again. “What happened? Did you have nightmares? For goodness’ sake Kubra, I’ll die of a heart attack, tell me what happened!”

Bless his heart; Saad was still concerned about her well-being.

She buried her face in his neck again. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

He went into the kitchen, because that was closer, and placed her on the kitchen counter. She didn’t unwrap her legs from around him, keeping him adhered to her, but she loosed her hold on his neck so they could see each other better.

Not bothering with a glass, he made her drink water from the bottle. After she was done, he smoothened her hair which needed more smoothening than his, and that was saying something.

“Now, tell me what is it? Why are you here past midnight alone? Do you know how dangerous the city is alone at night?”

“I don’t care. I needed to talk to you. I needed to tell you something. I can’t bear you thinking otherwise.”

“Okay . . . ?”

“I don’t love him. I swear I don’t. I don’t even like him. For all I care, he can die of smallpox!”

He furrowed his brows more in worry than in confusion. It wasn’t like her to wish death upon someone. “Who?”

“YUSUF! Who else? I don’t love him. I swear I don’t. I love you and only you. More than anything else in the world. You know that, don’t you?” She fisted his white hoodie and looked at him with pleading, tear-filled dark eyes. “Please tell me you know that.”

“Shhhh . . .” he wiped her cheeks with his thumbs. “Of course, I know that. I never doubted it for a second. Calm down. What is all this about?”

Of course he knew what this was about as well. But he was greedy. He wanted to hear the words this all was leading up to. You can’t judge him for that.

She sniffed and fiddled with the lint on his hoodie. “I know I’m crazy and stupid and the world’s biggest idiot to reject your proposal. . .”

Now wait just a minute! “No, you’re not. You have every right to make whatever decision you wish to make in your life. If you decided to reject me, so be it. But it does not mean you’re an idiot!”

“Didn’t you tell me that it’s our choices who define what we are?”

“I might’ve copy/pasted that from somewhere,” he smiled sheepishly and finally she chuckled.

“So you can’t convince me otherwise that I’ve made some stupid choices. And hurting you like that was the biggest one of all.”

“Hey, I’m not h-”

She shushed him with a finger on his lips. “I’ve not been at my best these past two months. Everything that everyone is doing for me, I end up concluding that . . .” She swallowed. “. . . that they are fed up of me behaving like an emotional mess all the time and just want me to be like I was before at their pace. Whenever they try to urge me to do something for my own happiness and my achievements, I conclude that they expect more of me than I can bear.

“So when you proposed, I thought you too just wanted to speed up the process of my mental recovery because you were fed up of me.” He wanted to protest but she stopped him again. “I know, I couldn’t have been more wrong. But I was scared. And in order to protect myself, I hurt you. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to. I swear I didn’t. But that’s not only what I wanted to tell you.”

He blinked slowly and let a small smile grace his lips. “What else did you wanted to tell me?”

“I wanted to tell you, that I’m not scared anymore. At least, not of anything related to you. Guess what I mean to tell you is YES. I’ll marry you, if you’ll still have me.”

His only answer was to give her enough time to pull away if she wished, before capturing her lips with his own and telling her with actions just much he wanted to have her.

*~*~*~*

Assalam-o-alaikum, everyone!

How are you all?🤍

Yes, I’m not dead. I had my exams, which I guess is equivalent to being dead, but anyway!🥴😂

How was the chapter? I sometimes surprise myself. Like a simple yes, that could’ve taken two lines, I wrote a whole chapter about. Was it any good, I’ll leave you to answer that question.😁

I would like to apologize to those suffering from depression. I didn’t mean to mock you guys. But Alhamdulillah, having never experienced it myself, I don’t know what it’s like. Whatever I’ve written about depression and PTSD in this chapter is what I’ve read on internet or other novels. So if it’s not like that, I’m sorry. You guys are the bravest people on earth to survive such internal war, and I didn’t wish to offend you in any way.🤗💓

Other than that, tell me, apart from Saad (because that’s obvious) , what is the thing you like the most in this story?

That’s all.

Please vote ⭐ , comment🖋️, share📨 and follow😇.

Lots of love.❤️❤️❤️
Javeria.