I'm glad I've gotten myself out of that bottomless pit :)

now I don't need to worry about a hypocrite complain about other people being hypocrites and all that other pettiness wearing down my mental health

number one rule in not being a jerk: if you're about to say something along the lines of "you have it easy compared to me," then don't say it, cause that's being a jerk

but I do have something further to complain about tonight/this morning/idk

currently the only therapists I have are the school social worker and myself

legit, the school social worker tells me that a lot of the things that I do are things that a full-blown paid therapist would tell their patient to do

personally, I am proud of that, cause it means I am getting somewhere, I genuinely care about my health, and that what I am doing is not a waste

in the big picture of things, no act is a waste because every gain or loss has the opportunity to become a learning experience

but, although I am on the right track, I still find myself wanting a full-blown therapist, but I can't have one

my dad tried getting me one before, but the insurance won't pay for it, and we're still tiptoeing with the whole money thing

side-note my new neighbors from across their street just started up their car with the music bLASTIC I can almost feel the beats, and someone's driving off, idk at least we haven't seen them with guns (yet) like the last neighbors who lived there

anyways, I want a therapist cause I obviously can't see the school's social worker during the summer, I haven't had a therapy-talk thing since school ended really, and I wanted to talk to her one last time before summer broke out but that didn't happen, so I'm gonna chat up a storm the next time I see her, and since I'm most likely gonna be changing my social circles this year, I'm gonna need a lot of support, so a therapist would be extremely helpful, but I don't see that happening any time soon

but yeah, I think I'm doing pretty oki doki for being my own go-to therapist

I think the closest I've come in sharing my issues with others is with Toris, but that was more of support than sharing tbh cause I didn't really say much

also I find sharing my issues weird for the most part cause it's a weird mixture of me joking, crying, venting, making puns, being sassy, questioning if what I'm doing is right, being confident that what I'm doing is right directly before or after, asking if I'm doing the right thing, sharing funny stories that don't pertain to the topic, missing how much fun and simple everything used to be, trying to keep my eyes on the future, crying cause I don't want to let certain people go, more jokes about either the topic or not the topic idk, it's a trippy but useful time

idk my free therapy-times are as mixed up and jumbled as my thought process, but somehow I manage to keep everything together

duct tape fixes everything ammi right or ammi right??

I hope junior year is less emotionally taxing than freshman and sophomore year, cause I'll need that energy for actual intellectual pursuits, such as the SAT's and maybe the ACT's if I so desire, and all them other classes cause junior year is "the most important year" and all that, why tf are they making 16- and 17-year-olds decide what they want to do for the rest of their lives when I know people in their seventies who have no clue what they want to do?? (lmao it's kinda too late for them but you get the point) 

but yee even tho a therapist isn't a 100% depression antidote, it would be hella useful

a girlfriend would be nice too but hey that stuff happens when it happens *sighs and turns to imaginary Vanessa^TM* 

I'm gonna be a big gay for a moment pardon me, but she SMILED at me the last time I saw her

like it was one of those "hey we made eye contact so we gotta do something so that it's not socially awkward so yee" kind of smiles and hEck it was cute

and ik I rambled about all this before but as I was leaving the store, I looked back and she was sTILL STARING AT ME

and yeah I stared back

obviously

cause I caught the case of the big gay

but yee we made a lot of eye contact while I was looking over at her from across the store and idk if it's one of those creepy "wtf is up with this kid" or not but lemme just say she leaned on the counter as I walked by and we made eye contact and wasn't crossing her arms so I think I might've had a chance if I would've sAID SOMETHING

but no I had to be a deer in headlights I was LITERALLY speechless at how cute she was I couldn't talk

but now I can't find her, thanks past me for saying literally nothing 

she's cute

but since we've shared absolutely no words at all, and I only know the few things about her thanks to her shirt and seeing her playing on her 3DS outside the store, it would be near-impossible to find her on the internet

gosh darn it

I hope I see her again someday, even tho I was given a second chance and blew it, I have a good chance of screwing up a third time if given the opportunity, but I have hope that if I AM given a second chance, I'll say something worth a phone number/social media exchange and actually getting a chance to talk to her

so yee there's my load of gay for now, peace out (idk if I've said this before but I'm home now)