it's 1am and I'm mentally tired but physically energetic and my thoughts keep rolling so Imma just think not-really-out loud (since it's on the laptop lmao) cause I might self-implode if I don't put it out somewhere so here I am with 1am thoughts I hope you enjoy

so depression is weird

I can have a perfectly fine day - such as today where I had lunch with the Maryland fam, painted a birdhouse, and had a good time chilling out before heading home - but I can be hit with this wave of depression that makes me want to crawl into a hole and just kinda lay there for a while

obviously I can't really do that 24/7 cause life doesn't work that way

plus I'd probably stay in that hole too long and forget that I actually have a life to live

sometimes they do have reasons, but sometimes there is no reason whatsoever and it just kinda wants to show up unannounced 

I'm still working out how to handle that part, but I have found some ways to handle some other things

one of the biggest things is panic attacks, which sUCC 

Imma talk about that before I talk about what I've found to help handle it

these bloody buggers are absolutely terrible, it's a pain 

the latest time I've had a panic attack I was at a service camp, and Toris and I were heading down to the tents for some good ol' s'mores and hotdogs 

it was dark, so as we were heading down there were these two guys heading to the restroom with a flashlight

as they were walking past us, the guy holding it was flashing it at people's faces

when they were passing us, I have this deer-like effect where I can't help but freeze mentally at the direct path of shining light

I tried to tell them to stop and I can't handle that kind of stuff, but I choked on my own words

when they passed us, everything kinda froze for a few moments, and I broke down

Toris was there keeping me steady and helping me out, which was a blessing, I have no idea what I'd do if I was by myself, I'd probably just end up laying on the ground hyperventilating while trying to choke it back while crying and shaking all at the same time until someone finds me, so it was a good thing I wasn't alone

Basically what I experience through a panic attack are shaking, hyperventilating (sometimes), tears/crying, flashbacks, some sort of vocal noise idk, faster heartbeat, what feels like a raised blood pressure but idk for sure, and stuff of that sort

especially shaking, shaking definitely makes sure it takes it's toll

it's traumatizing too - every time I have a panic attack, there's a chance that I may get a flashback of it in the future

like during the one at the service camp, one of the flashbacks I remember is the first time I've had a panic attack from a flashlight, which was last year at my uncle's cabin

even if situations where panic attacks or even traumatizing events happened, there's always some sort of chance that it'll become a source of a flashback, which rlly succs

sO how I kinda handle all this garbage

the first thing I started doing was try and recognize what triggers the attacks

(side note I know I've said it before but I absolutely hate the "triggered" meme it makes it so much harder for people with actual health issues to communicate about said issues out of fear that the listener wouldn't take it seriously)

from there, I recognize everything that may be connected to said trigger, then try to convince myself I am in no harm if there's any sign of said connector, and it helps to limit the range of the trigger

for example, flashing lights trigger panic attacks

I recognize that strobe lights and other forms of flashing are forms of entertainment enhancement

I connected flashing lights to forms of entertainment, and after an amount of time, when I'm in some sort of zone or area where I am fully aware that the purpose is to entertain, I can safely be there and look around without getting a panic attack SO LONG AS I am cautious of my surroundings and stay aware of where I am and what I am doing at all times

when we took the field trip to NYC, there was a building with a bunch of crazy flashing lights, and I was able to avoid a panic attack at that time because I knew exactly where I was, what I was doing, what I was going to do, what I was waiting for, who I was with, and the whole nine yards

otherwise, I wouldn't've been able to keep myself under control

so self-awareness is a HUGE anchor in my recovery

that's probably one of the reasons I had a panic attack in NYC during the "Believe it or Not" tour, cause I wasn't expecting that one room at all, and it was extremely triggering, especially since I heard mentally harmful (to me) noises before going in there, that entire panic attack was a trip in of itself that was bad

so yeah, self-awareness is important to me

it's not necessarily self-awareness if where I'm going to be, but more of where I currently am, cause I can go out get in a car and find myself completely new and be totally fine if I know at that point of time where I'm at

maybe that's one of the reasons why I get hit by depression after a long day and driving home, cause on the way back I do not necessarily know where I am at all times while riding home, like looking out the window I can't remember a lot of the routes to and from further or new places

I know exactly where I'm going, but not necessarily where I am, so I'll need to work on that so that it doesn't happen as much

I would say "so that it doesn't happen anymore," but if that were to happen at all, it'd be a long time from now, but who's to say it won't happen soon? I'm optimistic, a bit of an optimistic realist in my opinion, but still in the optimist spectrum 

yeah I still get panic attacks but I'm getting better, I've been getting them less and recovering quicker when they do happen, and I've been avoiding getting more triggers, and it's been over a year since my lowest point, so let's see where this goes I'm ready

I think it's a bit sad tho that my past birthday had become a trigger for me

I had a panic attack cause I was scared of what happened the year before around my birthday 2018

So this year I want to remove my birthday from the trigger list, that's what I want for my birthday

heh, what I want for my birthday is not being scared of my own birthday, how funny

I genuinely almost cried walking into school on my birthday cause I was having flashbacks (like a panic attack but not, more like a panic attack threatening to happen) to things that happened the previous year

lmao I'm kinda broken but I'm trying to fix myself I promise 

when I say I want a girlfriend I am not asking for someone to fix all my problems for me lmao nah I'm working on fixing myself and just happen to be gay and love hugs, getting into a relationship will not solve all your problems kiddos don't listen to the garbage fanfics with innacurate descriptions of mental illnesses (that's another pet peevee I absolutely h8)

13 REASONS WHY IS AN ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE SHOW IDC IF PEOPLE FIND IT ENTERTAINING IT IS HARMFUL TO SOCIETY

I JUST ANNOYED MYSELF GUYS HERE WE GO

THE ENTIRE SHOW IS MEANT TO "RAISE MENTAL HEALTH AND SUICIDE AWARENESS" BUT PEOPLE WITH THE MENTAL ILLNESSES CAN'T EVEN WATCH THE SHOW AND IT'S EXTREMELY TOXIC TO THE MIND IF ALREADY FILLED WITH S******* THOUGHTS CAUSE THE ENTIRE SHOW GLORIFIES S******* 

People online say things like "well how do you know if you've never watched it yourself??" wEll it is legitimately UNSAFE for me to watch it cause I know from the written descriptions I've seen online that I WILL have panic attack(s) and WILL become a source of flashbacks if I even try I'm trying to protect my already fractured self

if people want to raise awareness for a cause, at least do it accurately

even Disney Channel is doing a better job at mental health awareness, there's a show where this one kid has anxiety and idk if his actual actor has anxiety but it's lEgit good job disney, and they even have a commercial where they told the audience that there's no shame in finding help if needed and that it's important to help out if someone is in need good job disney

and yes this past week I've watched a lot of disney channel cause my younger cousin loves it

it was basically the same shows for a week cause we always watched it at around the same time, but the shows were honestly pretty entertaining

not rlly impressive or something I'd watch all the way through, but if it's on I wouldn't change it probably

says the person who never watches TV and the only series they've watched in ages is Avatar: the Last Airbender (also I finished season 2 so onto season 3 whOOP WHOOP get on that if you have the free time it's lit)

so yeah have this picture of a gorgeous man