Life Of Jiji

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©2021 Tena Ifiemi

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mystery girl - johnny drille ♪

heather - conan gray ♪

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"ЯΞЏΛ." ł SΛłÐ ШHΞЛ I faced her although I already knew who it was before I even turned.

"How are you?" My sister asked and I smiled a small smile.

"Fine. You?"

"Fine." Then she chuckled, covering her face with her palm for a brief second. "So formal. It sounds like we're meeting for a business deal."

"Well, are we?" I asked and she shot me an unamused look.

I laughed inside me.

"My birthday is on Friday and I was hoping we could plan it together." She says and I stare at her confused. "Mom would be sending a cake and she's going to transfer cash to Ms Angela to help us get some other stuff."

I noticed that she said 'us'. I mean, It's her birthday.

"I'm really busy these days." I told her, "I'm in the school play."

"Oh." She looked genuinely shocked and then she smiled, "Wow, congratulations."

I didn't smile back, I just stared at her; I really didn't know where this was going. Reya was quiet too and I had to stop myself from timing the duration of the silence.

"Look, Jiji, I'm sorry. That day, I really wanted us to bond... or something because we barely even talk and then I saw that message in your phone. You can't blame me for thinking it was you who told him, I just felt so betrayed. I've known the truth for a while now and me and Mitchel are together again but I'm sure you already know that. I'm sorry I've not told you this and that I accused you like that."

I didn't want to look at her but then I realized she too wasn't looking at me, so I looked at her. Her eyes were glued to the ground and her braids were in her face.

"Is it because of Mitchel?"

"What?" She looked up.

"Is it because of Mitchel that you're apologizing?"

She bit her lip, "Mitchel pushed me to apologize, yes, but he didn't push me to realize what I did wrong."

"When Mitchel told me that you guys were together again, I felt bad that I didn't even know that you had settled and you knew the truth but now I feel embarrassed that you're apologizing to me."

"Make it easier for me then. I still have a lot of the pride that I've always had."

I laughed. "I forgive you. I've forgiven you since. This is awkward."

"One last thing." Reya said when I think I'm finally free to leave. "Khadijah told me that you've not been sleeping well these days. Is everything okay?"

My heart lurched painfully in my chest. "Huh?"

"That you were crying the other day and it's not the first time, yada yada, yada. Come to my room this night, yeah? Let's talk about it." Then she looked past me and when I turned, I saw her friends waiting for her. One of them waved at Me as they left.

Khadijah, oh my God! Why did she do this? Does she even know what she has done? She should have just let it be. It really didn't concern her. Reya would find out. She would find out and then she'll tell TJ and Mom and then ...then...

They'll all be like Dad.

"Ejiro it's time for prep. We should start going." I turned to see Ayo holding out my school bag to me.

"Thanks." I smiled, hoping I didn't look the way I felt.

"Oh my God, Ejiro are you crying?"

"What?" I laughed, using my hand to dab under my eyes. "It's probably because I sneezed." I lied.

"Mmh, that happens to me too."

As we walked, Katherine and Richard joined in at some point. I heard them talking around me but I was quiet all through the walk. I couldn't bring myself to say anything when my mind won't sit still. The sound of shoes crunching sand on the hard ground and the chatter of voices only incorporated into my thoughts and kept me in my head.

How many hints do people need to find out what happened to me. To find out that I'm disgusting underneath. To find out that they really don't want to be friends with me.

"Psst Ejiro." I heard the voice the same time I felt the hand on mine.

"Mitchel, yeah?"

He glanced at my hand which was still in his loose grip. "You've been drumming on this table with your nails for the longest time and the table really seems to interest you because you've been staring it with the most serious expression ever."

My eyes widened on its own, "Oh, sorry, I distracted you."

"Never mind that." He leaned back in his chair and I feared he may ruin the signature super sharp iron lines on his shirt. "Are you okay?"

"The way people keep asking me this question tonight, one would think that you guys know of something bad that should have happened to me by now." I tried to joke but Mitchel did not laugh. He didn't even crack a smile.

"So I'm not even the only one that had asked?"

"Mitchel, please just drop it." I begged when I felt my heart begin to race again.

Honestly, I don't even understand the way the damn organ works. Sometimes I wish I can pluck it out; it hurts too much.

"Okay."

Prep seemed to go on forever but I couldn't read a thing. I was supposed to be going over my script; Mr Zaki would be mad if I forget my lines on stage. He'd give Chisom the role. But I still couldn't concentrate, I was staring at the paper but I couldn't process anything. I stood up and went to the toilet. I stayed there for as long as I thought prep would take to end before coming back to still meet it ongoing.

"What's the time?" I asked Mitchel.

He checked his watch, "8:59" he said and as if it had been waiting for Mitchel's go ahead, the bell went off. "9:00"

I gathered my unread books into my bag and slung it's heavy weight over my back. I packed all these books and ended up not reading a single one. The first person I met on the corridor when I left my prep room was Khadijah. I tried to sidestep her but she got in my front again, smiling. I rolled my eyes.

"Khadijah please shift." I bit out but she didn't move.

"What is it? You look tired, were you sleeping?"

I still regret what happened next.

"Sleep. That's what I wish you would just do instead of poking your nose into my business. I told you to leave it alone the first time but you still went ahead and told Reya."

"What?" She asked but I ignored her.

"What are you trying to prove? What's your point! Are you spying in me for her or something?"

"Ejiro stop it. People are coming out now, you're creating a scene." Khadi said and if I was anywhere near sane, I would have stopped. I hate drawing attention to myself but her words just fired me up even more.

"How dare you tell me what to do when you don't even listen. It's my life! If I don't want you to know, then you won't. Okay?"

"Ejiro, I'm pretty sure you're exposing more than you intend to right now." Then she lowered her voice, "It's just a nightmare. I'm pretty sure it's not that deep, right?"

My chest heaved and I was about to say something else when a hand gripped my arm.

"Ejiro, hey, what's wrong?"

I yanked my hand away, "Go and deal with your stupid mood swings before asking me that." I gritted and saw his face morph into guilt and hurt combined before I turned, leaving the scene that I created. It took a while before I noticed Mitchel walking beside me. He didn't say a word and I wondered if he was afraid that I would yell at him too.

"Why did I do that? They're never going to talk to me again." My voice cracked at the thought of losing both Khadi and Damian because of my stupid paranoia.

"Hey, shhh." Mitchel wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in but I tensed and he released me settling for patting me on my shoulder.

"Even if you notice something off about me, don't tell my sister." I begged Mitchel as I wiped my face.

"Of course." He said even though he looked confused.

I groaned, "I'm so stupid."

"You just need to rest."

"No need to be so kind." I say, when it all comes out, you'd hate me, I complete in my head.

Mitchel doesn't say anything until we're at the hostel gate and we say goodnight to each other. I decide not to go to Reya's room like she asked and while I changed out of my day wear and climbed into bed, I dreaded when Khadi and the rest of my roommates would come back. I really shouldn't have done that.

Did I really create a scene? Who and who were there? What would people think now?

I couldn't sleep. I wanted to sleep to escape the torture of what people think about me now but my body was probably afraid of having another nightmare. When my roommates started arriving I tensed under my duvet and even more when, I felt my bed sink beside me indicating someone's weight on it.

"No need to kill yourself over it. You didn't really create a scene, it's only Damian that was there."

I removed the duvet from my head and faced Khadi, "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry for telling Ovieya. I just thought it would help."

"There's nothing to be helped, it's just dreams." I said and I could tell she wanted to argue, to protest by how she bit her lip but she just nodded.

"Okay."

"Ejiro! You're awake? So Cha Eun Woo or V?"

"Is that a drink?" I asked only for screams to erupt. I knew that those were Korean people, I just wasn't interested. I wonder what Mercy's next obsession would be. From what I heard, it was Indian movies for the last two years and now it's K-drama, specifically this Cha Eun Woo guy. I noticed that Khadi had left my side but I didn't check for where she went, I just pulled up my duvet again and finally allowed the chatter lull me to sleep.

"Psst wake up." Someone shook me. "Wake up." I heard again and registered the voice to be Khadi's. "It's time."

Immediately she said that, the ground begun to shake and as absurd at it seems, the ground begun to split right in the middle. Khadi was on one side and I was on the other. The place got very hot but I couldn't pull the duvet off my body, I started to panic.

A shadow loomed over me, "Ji-ji", the voice sang.

I looked up and almost passed out. I knew it was Uncle Ovie, it's always Uncle Ovie but this time there was no face to his character, only the unmistakeable voice. He reached for me and adrenaline kicked in as I rolled off the bed, duvet still mysteriously wrapped around me. Just then the door burst open and Damian ran inside, but he was at the other side of the room with Khadijah who had just been sitting and watching, face blank.

"Damian!" I seemed to shout and he started running towards me but Khadi held him back. I say seemed to shout because although I intended to scream his name, no sound came out but he seemed to hear me anyways.

I see Khadijah shaking her head at Damian, "No, don't go. We wanted to help her before, but she pushed us away. There is no time for that anymore." I heard her loud and clear, her face neutral. Damian sat down beside Khadijah, his expression morphing into a replica of hers; passive.

One by one, other people started to arrive; Mitchel, Reya and finally my mom. I screamed when I saw my mother, her presence had to hurt the most. All of them tried to reach me at first but stopped each other in the order that they had come and when they had all seated, faceless Uncle Ovie finally bent over me and ripped the duvet off my body...

Kicking the duvet off my body, my hand went to my neck as I roused awake and fought for air. One minute, I was on the bed and the next I had landed on the floor with a thump. Luckily I didn't scream when I woke up but to my despair whatever I did was still enough to send Khadijah scrambling out of her bed. I knew immediately that it was not my fall that woke her.

"You're having a panic attack." I heard her say from a distance. Although I knew she was right beside me, she sounded like she was far away. I clutched at my chest as I tried to breathe. "What do I do? What do I do?"

"Don't call anybody." I hear myself rush out.

Khadijah groaned and left me, rushing to her bed. Relieved, I thought she had left but she came back soon after, her phone in her hand. "Siri, my friend is having a panic attack. What do I do?"

Few minutes later, Khadi is repeating sentences like, 'You're going to be fine', 'You're doing great', 'Whatever you saw would remain there, it isn't here', very slowly. She rubs my back and tells me to count to ten in my head. I don't know why, but I do it but I'm sure she doubt's that I do.

When I'm okay again, she helps me into my bed and asks if this normally happens. I tell her 'No' but it's a lie. It hasn't ever happened at school but it's one of the many things I go through behind my locked door at home, I've just never known how to deal with it. I'm just glad no one has ever gotten to see me passed out on the floor. I can handle myself, by myself but maybe I just need to take a look at that website Khadi read from today.

When Khadi was about to go back to her bed I grabbed her hand stopping her. Before I could open my mouth to speak, she sighed,

"Don't worry, I won't tell Reya." She assured.

I gave her the best smile I could muster, "Thank you."

•••

I hated my nightmares. They made me feel weak and embarrassed and... scared. They made me feel farther and farther away from normal. On Monday, I spent most of my free time at the library doing lots and lots of research. It might shock you that 6 years since the incident and I've never once looked at anything concerning rape. The first thing I researched was, 'My friend is having a panic attack. What do I do?' because that's what I remember Khadi saying that day. Reya was becoming more and more excited about her last birthday in high school which was just around the corner and I still have my lines in the play to get accustomed to what with the exams fast approaching but I couldn't concentrate. Not on any of the said things.

This is not the first time I'm having one of my bad dreams, but this time, I've had this sudden nagging idea to do this research and sitting in front of the computer with the entire web waiting for me to explore was terrifying. I was afraid of what I might find. I was afraid of what this would mean to me but I wouldn't back down now. I had already clicked, 'enter'.

I read a bit about panic attacks first and I saw a bit of what Khadijah did that night...all the reassuring and the things she told me to say. My research progressed into why someone might be having panic attacks and that took me to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, otherwise called PTSD. I have heard of PTSD before now, but just fleetingly. I didn't know much of what I was seeing on this website but what threw me off balance was when I saw Sexual Abuse listed as one of the major traumas which could lead to PTSD.

My heart rate accelerated as I delved further into the topic and I had to steady my shaky hand on the mouse. I was so into what I was reading, I would have died when I heard the voice beside me. I hurriedly closed all tabs and turned to find Damian right next to me. Now that he had my attention, he took a seat beside me.

"I'd been looking for you." He said, I couldn't tell whether he was looking at me or not because I wasn't looking at him. I was happy he didn't say anything about my obvious shock and how I had hurriedly cleared what I was doing because of his presence.

"Why?" I ask, incredulous. This boy was honestly very confusing. We hadn't talked since he distanced himself from me during the drama rehearsals on Saturday. Thanks to my stupid Nightmares, I haven't had time to worry myself about whether or not I did anything wrong. This wasn't the first time he was acting as bipolar as a girl on her period and it probably won't be the last.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry about last weekend." He said, leaving me wondering how on earth and apology could flow so easily from a person. He must be a special case. "I've just been really stressed and there's a lot of stuff going on at home... and well..."

I noticed that he had lost the easy way in which he normally spoke. My heart clenched and this time it wasn't because of any psychological problems I now suspect myself to have. I don't want him to feel like he needs to explain himself to me along with an apology just because I got to be at the receiving end of his frustrations last week. I have a gigantic secret too and I won't like to feel forced to talk about it.

"It's okay, you don't have to talk about it." I tell him, unable to stop myself from placing my hand on his arm.

"But I want to." He says as he places his own warm palm on my hand which is already on him.

I was sure my shock was written all over my face, "Oh."

He smiled, "Do you mind sneaking around the bleachers again, tonight?"

"Damian..." I stalled as my mind went back to that last time. Although I was stalling, I already knew my answer and I'm sure he knew it too because he grinned pulling me to my feet as he got up.

"We are very late for the next class."

I groaned, next class was Literature!

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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a joke. Sexual Abuse is not a joke. Panic disorder is not a joke.

My heart goes out to Jiji so much especially for the fact that something like this happened to her at such a young age and she's going through it on her own.

There are a lot of people out there like Jiji, and its just not right. The worst part about rape has to be the after effects and this is not me disregarding how painful the rape itself must have been.

I say this because, take Jiji for instance, she was abused about 6 years ago and yet she still has to relieve the experience through dreams and the occasional trance one might fall into even when you're wide awake.

I hate the fact that a lot of rape survivors feel like they can't talk to people about what happened to them because of reasons similar to what Jiji is facing and I sincerely hope that none of us reading this, as well as our loved ones, ever has to go through something like that.

I don't know what's up with Jiji's dad but I do know that if she had seen a psychologist early, she probably wouldn't be dealing with what she has to deal with now, or at least not to this extent.

#justiceforrapesurvivors #speakup! #talktosomeone

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