I woke up to clanging down stairs. I looked around my room in a panic. I felt my heart race in my chest as I jumped out of bed, fearing the worse. MIA found me. They were going to take me away. I quickly grabbed the first thing I could find then I ran down stairs to see who was here.

With an umbrella in hand, ready to attack I got to the kitchen to see Carter cleaning up bowls on the ground. I let out a sigh of relief as I dropped the umbrella and slumped down into the nearest chair I could find.

With the threat of danger gone, my legs turned into jelly. I melted into the chair as I tried to catch my breath. I repeated the words in my mind over and over again that I was safe but the words were not sticking. I wasn't safe. They would come back, it was just a matter of time.

Carter kneeling beside me in a second. "Are you ok?"

I nodded as I held back tears. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly to control my emotions. I knew when to lie and I could lie well. "Yeah, I'm fine," I said as I looked at the clock on the stove. It was 6PM, I frowned, I shouldn't have let myself sleep that long. "Anyhow, what were you doing? And how did you get in here in the first place?"

"I was going to make you dinner. But I was a klutz and dropped the bowls. Your grandmother gave me your spare key," he said and looked at me from head to toe, judging me. He was probably going to report his findings to my grandmother.

I crossed my arms over my chest as if that would protect me from his gaze. I stood up a little straighter. I didn't need him to tell her anything. I didn't need her to think any less of me then she did now. "Thanks." I stood up from my chair and walked over to the kitchen sink and started washing my hands.

"What are you doing?"

I shrugged, as if the answer was simple. "Helping you," I replied as I wiped my hands on a towel hanging on the oven handle on the stove.

He frowned as he shook his head. He wasn't going to back down, I could see it in his eyes. "No you're not; I'm going to do this," he said firmly.

I smiled slightly, taking this as a challenge. I wasn't always a push over and Carter was going to see how far I could go. If I set my mind to it, I would stand up until I was the last one standing. "I want to help you," I said firmly back at him.  I wasn't going to back down from him. He needed to know what I was fine enough.

If I took any significant time off of work, ore rumors would spread. I could picture it now. They would think that I had a mental break down or I ran away never to return. I shook my head. No, I needed Carter to believe that I was fine because I needed to get back to normal before my image was damaged any farther.

He eyed me from head to toe again then sighed as he stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Fine, I'll let you."

I smiled a little larger. I won with little effort. Of course he would let me, because he realized that I wouldn't stop until he gave in. "What are we cooking?" I asked as I got up from the chair I sat in.

"Fish with lemon, hummus and pita bread."

"That sounds great," I said as I felt my stomach rumble. I never realized I was this hungry until he mentioned food. If Carter never came today, I probably would have eaten at all.

He smiled lightly. "Good. I already got the pita bread but if you could make the hummus that would be great," he said and gave me the recipe for hummus.

"So I follow this?" I asked looking at the simple recipe card with purple gapes on the sides of it. The card was worn and stained. That had to be a good sign.

He nodded. "Yup, that's it. I got all the ingredients, they're all in the bag," he said pointing a grocery bag in the corner of the room.

I nodded then started to follow the recipe. I wasn't a stranger to cooking. I used to cook Gram's and I's meals after long days. But after I moved out of her place, cooking became something of a chore that I didn't have time for. However as I cooked beside Carter I realized that it wasn't the cooking that I hated, it was the fact that I wasn't cooking with or for anyone else. The loneliness what what I hated the most.

Before I knew it we were sitting at the table, talking and eating dinner. Carter told me stories about his family. He told jokes and talked about his childhood so fondly that I wish I had stories to share.

I smiled lightly, not finding the motivation to smile any larger as Carter finished a story about how they adopted a street cat. "It sounds like your family is close," I said and dipped some pita in some hummus.

He shrugged as he sipped his water. "Yeah, we are. We got closer when my other brother died two years ago," he said with regret.

I frowned, as I looked up at him. Now it made sense why Carter was here. He knew how it felt to lose someone. Gram put him up to this, I was sure of it. She arrange all of this for me. As kind of an act it was, this wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to be around acquaintances. I wanted family and she wasn't giving me that. "I'm sorry to hear that. Do you mind if I asked how?"

"He owned the grocery store and some guy tried to rob him. He held his ground but the guy got mad and shot him. He left my brother to bleed out and die alone in the shop," he said as anger flashed in his eyes.

He hadn't healed from that pain. It was clear that Carter was still suffering slightly. I wondered if I would be the same, forever suffering over my losses. Each person in my life took a part of me with them. I felt like a broken vase, riddled with holes. "I'm sorry."

The conversations quickly died shortly after that and for the rest of the night. My mood dissolved into nothing. I suddenly didn't care that he would tell my grandmother that I wasn't stable. Maybe then I could get some attention from her. She knew that I would need people, but yet she sent Carter. She didn't want to spend time with me. She didn't want to deal with an emotional mess of a grand daughter.

As the night wore on, Carter realized that my mood would not improve and running out of time, he said goodbye for the night. As I waved to him from my front porch he looked at me with such pity. I forced a smile at him as if to say I was fine. I didn't need any pity from him. I just needed to pull myself together.

He frowned and got out of his car. He took long confident strides to me until I was embraced in his arms. He held me tightly as if he knew exactly what I needed and I hugged him back.

I didn't realize that I missed this kind of human interaction. Touch, it was something so simple that everyone had. But when it was gone, it made us into shells. For a second it felt like my broken pieces were held back together. The hug glued me together, brining me back to a functional human but as soon as he drew out of the hug, my pieces came crumbling to the ground again. I crossed my arms over my chest, suddenly feeling cold without his heat wrapping around me.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Carter said then walked off to his running car again.

I nodded then closed the door behind me, shutting me off from the outside world. I looked around at my empty house. In the loneliness, that was when it hurt the most. In the shadows I could almost see Toby standing in the corner of the kitchen. He smiled lightly and I shook my head, clearing the image. Toby wasn't here and he wasn't coming back.

I would be lying if I said it wasn't painful. I wanted to stop thinking about him, his smile, the way he held me, but I couldn't get him out of my mind. Yes he was dead to me, but he took a part of my heart with him. I wondered if he was hurt as much as I was.

I looked at my phone and noticed my grandmother texted me at least five times during the evening. I frowned at my phone, not even willing to open the messages. I did not want to talk about it with her not now or ever.

With heavy feet I pulled myself up the stairs and called it a night.

I woke up the next morning with the sun shining on my face. I gasped for air as I tried to get my baring's. Panic held me as I tried to convince myself I was fine. I pushed myself up in the bed and looked around the bright room. The sun wanted to force it's positivity into my life, but I didn't want to let it.

<>

I got up from my bed and walked around the room and grabbed more of Toby's things. Any gift, any thing he left, I wanted it purged from my life. I was not about to keep anything from him. I wanted to burn him out of my life. I wanted him to die.

As I picked up a small stone globe that he gave me, a little chip fell from it. I looked down at it, knowing exactly what this was. I picked it up and looked at it in the sun better. It was a bug. I screamed in frustration. He bugged my house. How could I have not noticed this?

In furry, I threw the globe across the room. I watched it hit the wall and shatter into a million pieces. He was dating me only to get information. After all, I did have connections. I thought he was different. I thought he loved me. Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt more alone then ever. How could I have been so naïve?

I sunk to my knees, unable stand any longer. I was crushed and furious. I dated him because I thought I was doing the right thing. Gram liked him, everyone did. And he fooled us. He fooled me.

I needed someone to tell me that I wasn't stupid for not noticing this. I needed someone to tell me that I was enough and that everything would be ok. But I had no support. Not even my grandmother had made time to see me and I wasn't expecting her to. She was always so busy, even too busy for her own granddaughter. That was why she sent Carter in her place.

But Carter wasn't my grandmother. I wanted family and as much as Carter was kind, he wasn't family. I wanted family to hold me and tell me I was going to be ok, that I would make it through this. Instead I was alone sobbing in my empty house. I was in agony.

Suddenly a voice brought me out of my thoughts, it was soft, hesitant, but sure at the same time. "Annalise?" Grandma asked as she walked into my bedroom.

I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and sat up a little straighter. She would want me to hold myself together better then this. I didn't need her to have another reason to see me as a disappointment. She wouldn't want to see me so weak. "Yes?" I asked as my voice cracked.

She walked to me with a frowned then knelt down right beside me. She brushed my messy hair from my face and sighed. She didn't know what to do with me. She was regretting coming here. I could see it in her eyes, she wanted to leave. "You didn't call me back. I was getting worried about you," she said as she put her hand on my shoulder hesitantly.

I shrugged as I hung my head low, unable to meet her in her eyes. "I didn't feel like talking."

She sighed. I was a disappointment. She stood up and offered her hand. I eyed it, not wanting to take it, but took it anyway. "You need to get out of here. Grab your shoes, we're going," she said as she helped me up from the ground.

I frowned. I didn't want to go anywhere, but I wasn't about to tell her that. No one said 'no' to my grandmother. "Ok," I said as I followed her down the stairs and out the front door but not before I looked at my reflection in the mirror by the door. My hair was falling out of a messy bun and I had no makeup on. The bags under my eyes hinted that I had no sleep even though I had too much. I was falling apart and it wasn't appropriate to leave the house in this condition. I wanted to stay home in wallow in self pity.

Gram hugged me lightly and I felt myself melt in her arms. I clung back to her wishing that she would never let me go. I wanted her to tell me that everything was going to be fine, that I would be fine. In the few times that she hugged me, those were the moments I longed for.

"I love you Annalise," she said as she drew out of the hug. She brushed some of my hair from my face. "Everything will be fine and you're fine, that's the most important part."

I frowned. But I didn't feel fine, I felt damaged.

"Remember, scars show us that we are human, that we have lived," she said as she opened the front door.

But I didn't want any scars. I wanted to stay fresh and untouched. People didn't need to live life what with I had experienced. I looked out of the car window as my grandmother drove to some unknown location.

"After this, I need to go over what happened. Where Toby is and what exactly happened to August," Grandma said as she drove.

The sound of Auggie's name was raw and made me cringe. Like nails on the chalk board, I wanted to shrink back into the shadows. I was about the only person that called him Auggie outside of his family.

I frowned, I was waiting for this to happen. We did every mission. But this time, I got to relive everything I did wrong that day. I looked down at my hands as if Auggie's blood was still on them. I wiped my hands on my pants to clear them then looked back out the window to see that we turned into the hospital parking lot.

My heart started to race and I forced myself to take even breaths to avoid hyperventilating. I white knuckled the side of the car as if it would help. I didn't want to be here. I want to go back home right now. She tricked me. I'm not going in there and gram can't make me.

"Annalise, I've been trying to tell you this," she said and parked the car.

I held my breath, here it goes. She was going to tell me that he was dead, the doctors did all they could and she would ask if I wanted to see his body. I couldn't do that though because seeing it would cement the idea that he wasn't coming back. Every nerve in my body was working to hold back emotions as I looked at her.