Factors of Last Year's Confrontational Incident. 

1. What Happened to Set it all Off 

I BLAME GMAIL! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I sent emails to this boy in my class who I was friends with. I trusted him, well at least I thought I did. Something happened and I needed somenody to talk to about it, and I didn't think and just blabbed to him. It was about my crush too, and he was best friends with him. 

I'm going to address this peer as dickhe- wait no, that's rude and not very nice of me. I'll just call him Jack. 

I was staying with my best friend who had come ov er from another state in an apartment for the week. I got to miss school for 5 days (score... but not really because I kinda like school...). I got an email from Jack which was really messed up, because he wrote the message, and my crush wrote 'From James' (See I Blame it on Puberty)  asking where I was so I explained.  

Then he told me that he was showing all the emails to his friends because they wanted to see what I wrote. I called James the biggest Narwhal on the planet on a replying email, because he was reading them all, and I grew extremely mad because I thought it was quite an invasion of privacy. 

I just called him a narwhal, and James got all mad and so on. I mean, NARWHALS ARE AMAZING: THEY ARE THE UNICORN OF THE SEA! SO IN A WAY IT WAS A COMPLIMENT, JAMES! 

I told Jack how I felt, and guess what?! 

He said it was his choice and he trusted his friends and blah blah blah. Did he even think about me? Yes, he wanted to spite me, I just know it. He didn't even think about how I felt about it. 

Then I realised that I shouldn't have sent that original email to him in the first place, and that I could no longer trust him. 

James started texting me out of the blue. I acted normal, until he mentioned Jack. I then made the biggest mistake of my life. I told James to tell Jack that he was an aardvark, and should keep his funky-looking nose out of other people's business. 

I suppose James told him, because, hell, I was in for it, and in for it I very much was. 

2. What He Then Said to Me 

I was home from my amazing week with Lollypop671 and felt as happy as anything, but slightly upset because I wouldn't see her for ages. I was on my laptop, I really have no ida why, I really should have been bonding with family, and I was browsing through my emails when I came across one from Jack. 

"I like being an aardvark." 

"Good, because that's what you are." I replied in the email, much to my loss. 

Like the speed of light, he ripped me into a million pieces. 

I deleted the emails he sent to me because never before had I felt so isolated, alone, hurt and vulnerable, by a mere classmate who thought he was much older than what he was. 

He called me mean, rude, and that a nice word has never come out of my mouth. He said that my crush would never like me because I was too mean. He said I assumed things too much. I've forgotten other minor details, but I do remember that he had been so ruthless and picked up my small flaws and vulnerable areas that I felt like I should actually kill myself. 

I told him that I had said nice thing, I sent nice emails back to him, encouraging what he was good at. I actually spilled out to him, saying that I had had a really hard time trying to settle into my new state and finding friends that I could trust. I told him that I was most likelt going to move again because a different church might want my dad to serve at. I told him that I wouldn't care if I had to move, because obviously nobody here appreaciated me. O swear he was being rude to my family. 

The one thing that hurt me the most was: "You're just Gabbi being Gabbi, assuming." 

"You may be smart in subjects, but not in your actions, Gabbi." 

I pleaded for forgiveness and told him I would never compare him to obscure animals again and try extremely hard to be a nicer person. 

"I will forgive you this time, but if you do this to me or any of my friends again I won't next time."

That's not really forgiving is it? It's not love, grace or meanigful. 

I knew I wasn;t forgiven. 

3. How I Felt 

Like Shit. And I don't like to use profanity so that's satying something. 

Recalling this all makes me want to punch something. I have this tight feeling in my throat and I pounding so hard on the keys of my keyboard that I won't be surprised if my laptop suddenly breaks in two. 

I thought Jack was my friend. I thought we could trust each other. But I couldn't, I still can't. I think I won't be able to trust people for a while now. 

A friend I could trust told me I must be having an existential crisis. 

Thanks to Urban Dictionary: 

An "Existential Crisis" is when an individual starts to question their entire existence and questioning if being alive even has a point or if it's all pointless. It also is hard to get out of because when you are debating if has a purpose it gets in the way of everyday things, like Making or Recording Videos or any sort of activity.

Existential Crisis's include the EXCITING topics of...:
-The inevitability of
-The crushing loneliness of realizing all inherently are and will die alone
-The absurd meaninglessness of the universe and as far as we know there is no reason or purpose for existence

Summed up how I felt. I thought that if I had to move state again, I wouldn't care. 

What made things worse was that one of my best friends in the state I was living in agreed with Jack. James did too. Remus did. All Jack's friends did. James was gonna make a diss track about me and roast me in the quad (you may question how I have a crush on him... but wait... the story might get better yet). 

I felt alone. 

Now I didn't tell my sisters, parents or family. I was embarrassed and didn't want them to intervene. This was yet another big mistake. Maybe if I had told them they could have helped me find meaning in my life. Well I told my best friend who had just visited everything, and luckily, she thought Jack was being a jerk and gave me all kinds of adive. 

So I set the goal that when I got back to school, I would shut up, and if I had nothing nice to say, I would not say it. I would be quiet, on smiling and asking questions of the teacher. 

I was small, backed into a wall, with a gun pressed to my forehead with no escape. 

I prayed all weekend, for God  help me and guide me in what to do. For him to put the right words into my mouth and to feel happy again. For him to put a forgiven bone into Jack's body. For him to make me feel loved. 

God was there for me, as I cried in bed, and needed comfort. He wrapped his arms around me and stroked my hair, forgave me through love and grace, and guided me. But I don't think my goal was the best, and maybe I should have listened to God more. 

4. What Happen Consequently 

-Went to school

-Shut up

-Prayed

-Avoided Jack

-Avoided James 

-Avoided Remus

-Did work

-Prayed

-Smiled a bit

-Felt like unicorn genitals 

-Got a look from Jack

-Prayed

-Tried to ignore

-Felt like a blob fish 

-Almost cried 

-Prayed

-Thought of all the comebacks I could've used

-Realised I shouldn't have deleted the emails 

-Went home, feeling like I failed and tomorrow I would shut up even more

-Got a text from James asking if I was okay because I was quiet today

-Realised he was actually a genuinely nice boy because he was sympathetic, said I could talk to him about stuff, said he agreed with Jack but he understood how I felt, talked about the disstrack but when I said I would probably cry he said he wouldn't tell me what it included because he hated making people's eye leak (he didn't say that but I already used cry in this rather long sentence). 

-Prayed

-Formed a crush on James

-Eventually started speaking more at school 

-Prayed

-Life went back to normal, but I still felt alone 

NOTE: God was my refuge, God was my strength, go was my fortess when I felt like a mess. Without him, I would've crumbled to nothing but dust because of mislead trust. 

5. Life Right Now- (a poem I started to write when this happened- not finished) 

When the world envelopes you in a realm of darkness

Where do you go?

When everyone you ever trusted started to tell me I'm a horrible human,

What do you do?

Maybe you start to realise that whant you once lived for, isn't even worth it

When people start to point things out

It hurts

It cuts you deep.

I think it can only change

If I make it change.

I can't get others to change my life for me,

I have to take the action myself.

Note: I was writing this when I felt like an idiot and my mind was spinning and I felt like shit, which is why it is not very poetic. 

I was hurt. But now I've moved on. 

I was forgiven by God, and maybe by Jack. He moved on, the dirty looks stopped coming, and we became friends a bit more, not as much as before, but still. We didn't text into the late hourss of Friday night like we did once. I'm kind of glad of that, I realise that I should be more private of my life, I'm failing that on wattpad...  

Now I guess we joke around, smile occasionally at eachother, we once stole his rubber, he stole my friend's pencil case, we stole his tennis racquet. 

It makes me feel better when we share a smile, like maybe he has forgiven me after all. 

I can't believe I almost had a crush on him pre-confrontation-incident (PCI) . I can't he had a crush on me PCI, well Jack, WHY DID YOU?!. Young love is stupid, idiotic and irrational. Just like me. 

Just like me. 

I keep forgetting what Jack said to me. But I will try to be a ncier person, not being loud for attention, but being noticed for showing Christ's light and my kindness. 

Jack once asked me, PCI,  why I cared what other people thought of me. 

This is why. 

The world is a judgemental place, and obviosuly he noticed what I did so much, to confront me like this. 

It's hurt me. 

It's scarredd me. 

But JAck, thank you. 

I needed somethign like that to knock some sense into me. 

And now I hope you're happy. 

Because I don't want you to ruin my life again. 

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

So that was hard core, deep, my emotions were split out on that page that the water Lollypop671 's cat knocked over when I wa shaving a sleepover (I'M GONNA GET MY REVENGE!!!!). 

Maybe you have had a similar experience, an existential crisis?  Comment your thought on thsi chapter, and maybe if you agree or disagree with anything said. 

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