I tried playingBlack Ops, but it didn't really bring me any joy. I just got my asskicked and passed the controller to the next player. I was going towait for my turn again, but took off instead. I wasn'tsure where I was going to go, or what I was going to do. I justwanted to be alone to brood. I noticed that no one was riding on thedune buggies so I made my way over there. Behind the dune buggy racetrack, was the only part of the beach not littered with people orsnow cone machines, or TV monitors.

The waves came inwith slow rolls and they seeped over the sand leaving tiny bubbles.Some of them were sand crabs I was sure of it, but you couldn't seethem. They were lived unnoticed and unjudged. That was the great part about nature, it was simple.

I walked along the surf traveling farther and farther away from the free junkfood and leisure buildings. I wanted to stay focused on nature, ormaybe on Rodger, but I kept remembering Mindy. I remembered how softher lips had been. How we taught each other to kiss, and we just keptgetting better and better at it. We had started making out so quicklythat I hardly even remembered the beginning of things. Even though Iknow it had lasted for a few months at least. I couldn't rememberwhat it was like before that, no matter how hard I tried.

I heard some sandshuffle on the ground.

I looked back andsaw a girl. She was a light brunette with long straight hair andaverage white skin. Her body was just average looking, maybe a littleon the thin side. She looked like so many girls at my school that Iwould've just overlooked her normally. But this girl in a thin greenjacket and blue jeans stood out for some reason. She had thick eyebrows with intelligent green eyes and a very modest nose. Her facewas a little round, but her chin was very slight. Even her cheekbones were just kind of there. There wasn't anything reallyremarkable about her. Maybe that was what drew me to her.

She was looking atme with this severe nervous expression. It was like I was a wolf whohad just found a rabbit.

"I'm sorry," Isaid. "I didn't know anyone was over here. Do you want me toleave?"

She bit her lipand looked back from where I came. She returned my gaze with a shake of her head. "You just startled me."

I wanted toapologize again, but decided not to. Instead, I turned around and lookedback at the waves. The soft ebb and pull of the waves had a calmingeffect on me. It made it easier to push Mindy out of my mind.

"What's yourname?" The girl asked after maybe a dozen waves.

I walked over toher and awkwardly waved. "I'm Ian."

"Alicia." Shewaved back. "Why aren't you back at the party?"

I shrugged. "Idon't really like parties. I was kind of dragged here."

Alicia nodded."Same with me. I love going to the beach though. There's so muchbeauty here."

She was serenelylooking off into the ocean, and I kind of tilted my body to the sideto share her view. The last strands of sunlight were dancing on thetop of the ocean crests. The sun itself was almost down past thedistant hills.

"I know what youmean. People are so concerned with making the world beautiful, buthumans are kind of what make it ugly in the first place. Even adesert is a gorgeous sight, we just can't live there," I said meaning every pretentious word.

"Kind of makesyou want to be a hawk, huh?" Alicia said, wistfully.

I looked back ather and returned her content smile. "Exactly."

She patted theground next to her. "You can sit next. I'd hate for you toget a sore neck from looking at the ocean and back."

I laughed louderthan I meant to. "Good point." I took a seat next toher. There was maybe ten feet between us. After what had happenedearlier, I didn't feel like getting to close to her, but there wassomething inside of me telling me that I didn't need to worry. I wentback to watching the waves.

"It was Ian,right?"

"Yeah," Iconfirmed.

"Do you knowwhat you want to do with your life?" she asked, seriously.

"You mean like acareer?" I glanced over at her. There was worry on her brow, buther tone didn't let on to anything happening.

"Yeah, that'sfine," Alicia responded in a way that meant it wasn't exactly what she was looking for.

I sighed andlooked down at the sand between us. "I want to be a paleontologist.Not just for the dinosaurs, but to try and understand the worldbefore us. The world's been working fine with humans, and we don'treally understand why. We think that we can kill the world, but theEarth is such a massive durable thing. It just seems like peoplecouldn't have that kind of an impact."

"That's anoptimistic way of looking at it," Alicia said looking over at me."To think that the world is just too big to kill. People have a wayof making an impact. People like Hitler or Gandhi influence thousandsand millions of lives. It's pretty hard to believe that peoplecouldn't destroy the world because it was too God damn big."

"Yes I guess..."I mumbled.

"Sorry," Sheapologized quickly. "I didn't mean to curse. I just kind of assumedthat you weren't religious."

"No, I'm used to people cursing." I raised my hands defensively.

"Oh..." Sorrow robbed her of her voice.

"Why didn't youthink I was religious?" I asked her.

She chuckledloudly. "You're going to think this is stupid, but it's because youwant to become a paleontologist."

"Why, becausereligious people think the world is like six thousand years old?" Iasked feeling a laugh coming.

She giggled andsaid, "yeah."

I chuckled. "Iguess I should get used to that."

Alicia and Ishared a chuckle and our eyes wandered out to the ocean. I heard hersigh, and I felt obligated to start talking again.

"You don'tbelieve in God?" I asked.

"No," Aliciasaid, slowly. "I guess I'm one of those people that have to seethings to believe it, you know? Why do you believe?"

That question kindof took me off guard. "It uh...I don't really know if I believe. Imean I go to church, but I haven't really felt a divine force ofgood. I've only ever felt the wrath of God. I mean, maybe that's justbecause I'm a sinner, but all of the priests talk about feeling thegrace of God and I've never felt it. I guess the lack of grace makes me wonder if he'sreal."

She got quietafter I said that.

"I'm sorry. Iguess I said too much, huh?" I admitted.

"It's okay, it'smy fault for asking about God. My sister's right. Nobody wants totalk about politics or religion, it's too depressing," Aliciasounded so sad when she mentioned her sister.

"Well, what aboutyou?" I asked turning my body to look at her. My weight was restingon my palm. "Do you know what you want to do with your life?"

Alicia keptlooking forward. It made me feel like she didn't want to talk to me.No wonder people were always telling me to make eye contact.

"No," shesighed again. "I don't and I feel like I have all of this pressureon me. Like everyone wants me to know what I'm going to do for therest of my life, right now. I just think about the world, and howpeople are suffering, and it really seems like there isn't any way tochange things. I'd like to be like Gandhi or Mother Teresa orsomeone noble like that, but I wouldn't even know where to begin, butall of the people around me don't seem to care. It's like all theywant is to get rich, but it's never enough. No matter what they want more and more and more money,it's like how much fucking money do you need?"

She had broughther knees up to her chest. She might've been shivering.

"Are you cold?"I asked.

"I'm fine,"she said, defensively.

I let it drop andgave a sigh. "It's not just money either." I added. "It's sextoo. Everyone wants to go out, get drunk, and get laid. Everyone is only concerned with the here and now. Even me, I just wantto study dinosaur bones because I think it's cool. Really, I'm just asselfish as any of them."

"What? No. Idon't think that at all," Alicia said sounded agitated. Sheactually sat up and turned her body towards me. "You want to getinto the sciences and further the realm of human understanding.There's something deeply noble about that. I mean, at least you HAVEa goal."

"Yeah, I've gotone, but it's not like I want to help people. You're going to savelives and I'm going to sweep dust off bones," I said scornfully.

I looked into hereyes and I saw something in them. It was something like concern andadmiration, but that wasn't quite right. Maybe she was feeling guiltyfor making me feel bad.

"Ian, you've gota great goal. You should study and go to grad school and work in amuseum. Maybe you'll be able to find things out about the world. Ididn't mean that all jobs that didn't save lives were dumb, I'm justtrying to figure out what to do with myself," she explainedpassionately and I felt like there wasn't any way to respond to that.

Alicia turned herbody towards me and brought her knees in close to her chest again.

"How did youfigure out what you wanted to do?" Alicia asked calmly.

I shrugged. "Everykid likes dinosaurs, it's just something that I never really grew outof. I'm just immature."

"You're not Ian. You're probably one of the most maturepeople I've ever met."

That was a hardpill to swallow. I couldn't even come up with a witty retort. I justsat there blinking at her.

"How old areyou?" she asked.

"Fifteen."

This time Alicia'seyes bulged out. "Shut up! Fifteen?"

I nodded. "Whyhow old are you?"

"Fourteen."

"Oh," I saidand I thought about how weird it was that I was talking to this fourteen-year-old girl about what to do with the rest of her life. She wasn'teven in highschool.

"Hey!" Shespat out playfully. "I see that look. You think I'm just somestupid kid, don't you?"

"Uh..." Ilooked away. "Well, you're not even in highschool...."

"I am so! I'mprobably taking more advanced classes than you! When's yourbirthday?" she asked energetically.

"March thirteenth,"I said raising my eyebrow.

"Ha! Mybirthday's in September. You're all of six months older than me!"Alicia said grinning.

Her smile wasinfectious. I found myself grinning along. I got on my knees andfaced her.

"Yes, and untilyou're six months older, you won't have my wisdom to guide you," Isaid sticking my nose up.

She giggled."Yeah, the knowledge of how to be a know-it-all," She tossed upsome sand over at me.

I rolled out ofthe way and got to my feet. She hopped onto her feet.

"What's the matter? Is the old and wise Ian afraid to get a little dirty?" sheasked giggling.

"Maybe," Ilooked over to the slowly cresting waves, and then back at her. Ismiled mischievously. "But if you get ME dirty I'll have no choicebut to throw you into the ocean."

She faked a gasp."You wouldn't."

I held my handsout and crept towards her. "I might. You're small enough for me totoss you into the ocean."

Alicia faked afearful scream. It was loud and piercing, but fun. I took off afterher and she ran  from me in a circle. As I got closer, there was a nagging feeling in my gut. I got close enough to grab herupper arm. She turned around. Alicia had a wide grin on her lipsright before she screamed. Then I put my head under one of her arms and grabbed her waist. She kicked her feet in the air and screamed asI lead her to the ocean.

"AAAAGH! Let mego! Stop! You filthy sinner!" she screamed playfully.

I put her down. It wasn't fun anymore. Her comment about me being asinner brought my mind right back to Mindy and it wouldn't get off of it. I had played around withher too before things happened. I hung my head low.

"Ian..." shesaid with a chuckle and then she could tell that she hurt me. Shewalked over to me and then put her hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry.I was just playing around."

The surf came inat our feet pulling sand around our heels.

"I know," Isaid coldly.

"I just saidthat because you said that. I didn't mean to hurt you Ian," Aliciasaid morosely.

I looked up ather. She wasn't a playful girl anymore. She was back to being thecontemplative person that I first met. It made me sigh with selfloathing.

"I know that,it's just that I went too far." I took a step back.Her hand slowly slid off of my shoulder.

"No, Ian, youdidn't. It's fine," Alicia said to try and calm me down, but Iwasn't listening.

My eyes went downto the sand. "I'm sorry. I... I should go..."

I turned andstarted walking back towards the party. Alicia ran in front of me andput her hands on my wrists. I met took her in. She was looking up atme with her sad green eyes sparkling in the last of dusk's naturallight.

"Please, don'tgo," she said seriously.

I nodded. "Okay."

She gave a sigh ofrelief and released my wrists. I let them fall to my sides. She wasclose to me, and I wanted to reach out and touch her just as she haddone to me. Alicia was staring at the sand now, as I had been.

"It reallybothers you to be called a sinner, huh?" she asked me that for somereason. I didn't really understand why. Sure I had freaked out, butwhy ask me about it? Wasn't everyone afraid of being a sinner?

"Of course itdoes," I said tersely.

Alicia finally met my eyes again. She was still worried, but also curious. "But why? Areyou afraid of God?"

It was a goodpoint. No God meant no wrath of God.

"Yeah...well, no..." I sighed. "I've uh...I've just done some bad things."

"Like what?"Alicia crossed her arms. The wind was starting to pick upagain.

I took off myjacket and put it over her shoulders.

"Hey don't dothat!" Alicia protested. "I don't want your coat."

"You're cold,and I don't want to watch you shiver," I said to explain myself.

She rolled hereyes and put her arms into the sleeves. "Fine."

I motioned with myhead and started to walk to the fence at the edge of the beach. Itseemed excessive to have a fence go out to the rocks, but I guessthey were worried about people trying to spy on the party.

"You reallydon't want to talk about what you did, huh?" Alicia asked.

I shook my head."Not really."

"Would it helpif I told you about the bad things I've done?" Alicia askedseriously.

I smirked andraised an eye brow at her.

"What?" sheshrieked. "I get into trouble too. Just because I'm six monthsyounger doesn't mean that I can't damn myself too."

I chuckled. "Okay,but I'm not promising to tell you anything."

"That's fine."Alicia took a spot next to me on the green tarp coveredfence. We were a couple feet apart. "Well, first of all I'm going to hell for not believing in theall mighty--that goes without saying. But seriously, I've done somepretty bad things. This one time I had this cat and it bit me, so Igot so mad I threw it out a window."

"Seriously?" Iscoffed.

"Yes, seriously!"Alicia said intensely. "I picked him up to hold him and he bit meand then I just tossed him out the window. We were like twentystories up or something too! I'll never forget how bad I felt when Irealized our kitty wasn't coming back."

"How old wereyou?" I pried.

"Six."

I scoffed again,but this time it turned into a chuckle.

"It stillcounts," She insisted. "I knew what I was doing!"

"Not really,"I was skeptical. I couldn't imagine how anything she had donecompared to my relationship with Mindy.

"Okay, this onetime my sister wouldn't get off the phone, because she was talking tothis secret boyfriend of hers. So to get back at her, I told everyoneabout it," She said with conviction, but it was her conviction thatmade it funny to me.

I laughed. "Sowhat? That's just high school BS."

"No, it wasn't itwas big deal!" Alicia was so outraged that she smacked me in thearm.

"Okay, okay," Isaid rubbing my arm. "What else?"

"I often omitthe truth," she said holding her nose up.

"Have you doneit with me?" I asked fearful of the answer.

Alicia nodded.

"Wow," I putmy hands on the back of my head and leaned back against the fence."That's gonna make things weird."

She frowned. "I'msorry."

"It's okay, Alicia.I mean I haven't told you everything about me, so it's kind of fair,"Even though I said that, she gave me a wide happy smile. All she caredwas that we could still be friends. Rodger's leather jacket lookedbig and awkward on her, making her resemble a child. Maybe that waswhy I picked that moment to tell her, "Alicia, I'm just letting youknow, I'm not looking to date."

At first, she wasstartled, and then blush crept into her cheeks and she looked sad forhalf a second before she smiled.

"It's okay," shesaid casually. "I'm not really looking for that either. I mean howweird would it be to date someone when there's secrets between us."

"That's true,"I agreed.

The wind howled inmy ears making me look to the waves. They were getting larger.The waves curled and crashed three times before the surf finallyfoamed out towards my feet. I crossed  my arms to fight the biting cold.

"Have you everhad a girlfriend?" Alicia asked somberly. Her excitement wasvisibly cooled.

"I guess so,"I said uncertain how to answer.

"What do youmean?" she asked seriously. "Have you kissed someone?"

I nodded. "Ihave. Frenched and all that. You?"

Alicia shook herhead no. "I've never really met someone that I've wanted to."

Thoughts of Kay returned. Why had I kissedher? She was gorgeous. She had ambitions. She could've been mygirlfriend if we lived in the same area, but I wasn't really thinkingabout making her my girlfriend. I hadn't even asked where she was from. I didn't even care about seeing her again while we were kissing.

"Things havegotten so awkward, so fast," Alicia observed.

"It's a shame. Ireally didn't want to go back to that party," I lamented.

"Then stay herewith me," Alicia said warmly as she rested her head on my shoulder.

I knew I should stop her. We weren't a couple, but when I thought about it, there wasn't anything wrong withit, not really. We weren't going to start dating, so I could touchher without risk of things escalating. It was something safe.

I put my armaround Alicia and gave her a light hug. She put her head on my chestand her arms around my waist. She squeezed me tight.

"Do you knowwhat you want to be?" I asked her, closing my eyes.

"No, but I don'treally care right now," she told me.

"That's good,"I said neutrally. "You're young. You've still got time to figureout who you are."

"I don't." Shemoved away from the fence and away from me.

"I'mMarvin Martins' youngest daughter," She fretted. Her voice was fullof anguish. "My sister is a huge star and she's only sixteen. I could doanything I wanted to do with my life, but I don't know what I wantand people keep pressuring me to do one thing or another. They tellme to become a singer or to study finances and take over thebusiness, but I don't want to do any of that. I just want to live mylife. I want to be normal."

Alicia looked back at me. She looked sad, but it was a kind ofsadness that one got from carrying the weight of the world on theirshoulders. I hated to see that on her face. I wanted to take that sorrow away from her.

"I felt normalbefore I told you," her voice cracked. "I really liked how youmade me feel Ian."

"Alicia, we don'thave to say goodbye," I said before I thought about what I wassaying. "Just because both of us don't want to date doesn'tmean that we can't be friends."

Alicia smirked buther brows were still furrowed in sadness. "Really? You'd want tobe my friend?"

"Of course," Isaid with a smile. "I don't care that your family has lots ofmoney. It doesn't change who you are."

"Thank you,"Alicia said she hugged me tight. I hugged her back and rested my headon hers. She pulled back away from the hug and our faces were rightin front of each other. Her smile melted into a neutral expressionand she kept staring into my eyes. The shimmers of her green irisesheld me there.

That was when thespeakers started blaring. At least this time there wasn't one rightabove our heads. Point of fact, it actually came out as a distant sound, soI just moved my head up away from Alicia and reached for my phantombangs.

"If I could haveeveryone's attention. Look out towards the ocean and you might seesomething that's worth your attention," the coordinator said overthe PA.

Alicia kept hereyes glued on me, and I didn't look away. I knew what she felt. Iknew what she was expecting from me, and I wanted it too. I wanted itso bad that it was enough to take my mind off of the guilt and shameof Mindy. I kept telling myself that I was a monster. I told myselfthat she didn't know who I really was, and that she didn't want todate me either. Red flashed across her face and I heard the distantboom of a firework going off. More rainbow colors spread over herflushed face.

"There'sfireworks," I mumbled keeping eye contact with Alicia.

"It's nothing Ihaven't seen before," she said as a smile swept across her face.

I swallowed.

The PA came backon. "That's right, we have a cruise liner pulling into the bay! Tomake sure the journey to that luxury cruise ship isn't boring everysingle one of you are going to head there on jet skis! Everyoneprepare to board!"

There was a lot ofshouting going on in the distance. People were cheering and holleringand it all sounded so distant, like none of it mattered.

"Are you goingto go with me to the boat?" Alicia asked, sweetly. She reached herhand out and laced our fingers together.

I nodded. "Ifyou want me to."

She smiled andnodded slowly.

I got a text fromRodger and I let go of her hand to read it. "It sounds likeApril is ready to head home, so I guess we can go now. Plus I got thegirl's digits, she's only an hour away dude!"

I smirked at thetext.

"Your friend?"she asked not reading it.

I nodded. "Yeah,it sound like I'm gonna lose my ride if I stay."

Alicia chuckled."I can take care of that."

I looked up ather. She was so happy to be spending time with me. Every moment Ikept pretending we were just friends was only going to make thingsworse. I knew that I should've ended things right then and there, but I was too selfish to do it.

"Thanks," Itold her and texted Rodger. "Actually I'm going to go to the boat."

"Holy shit, dude!You getting some?!?!" Rodger texted back.

I walked back towards the party. "No, but she'sgoing to give me a ride home, or maybe her parents or something. I'mnot sure. You don't have to stay on my behalf though," I texted back.

"Is everythingok?" Alicia asked staying by my side.

"Are you fuckingkidding me?!" Rodger texted. "Now, I have to go to this boat! Idon't care if I'm walking home, I gotta see the chick that's goodenough for you, man!"

"I'm just seeingif my friend is joining us," I told Alicia as I put my phone awayand placed my arm on her shoulders.

--

There's a lot of my older bad writing habits in the prose. It's funny to think about bad writing habits when I went on about the rules of writing being nothing but sanctimonious nonsense and to a certain extent they are. But like so many things, there is no definitive answer or truth. There's something to be gained from either approach, so what is it that lead me to abandon some of my old writing habits? Why do I look back at my approach and definitively declare it bad.

One of the things that I do a shockingly large number of times is the use of tautologies. When I use tautologies with a single word, I tend to feel embarrassed. Little phrases like "standing up" don't really add to the prose, but ironically they are used when people talk. It's not like I'm constructing tautologies from thin air. People will speak in tautologies. But there does seem to be a double standard with prose when compared to dialogue.

Naturalistic dialogue can be celebrated, but the same is rarely said of prose. Still, the modernist writers were all about blending the voice of prose with dialogue. As I've worked harder to understand the power of a writer's voice, I've taken a more critical eye at how much a naturalistic or spoken tone is used and to what effect.

I wonder sometimes if that's why so many readers have a revulsion to descriptions of scenery. People do not frequently describe a locale or person, especially if a picture can be produced. At times, I've tried to get people with no writing experience to describe a location, person, or food and I can see the struggle. Is this a skill human beings once possessed or something that we as a species don't need?

Tangent aside, two authors stood out in my recent readings.

One, Robert Faulkner, took this idea to an absurd extreme. Every sentence bled together with the next to form a modernist river. The more time I spent trying to parse what was being said, the less I comprehended the narrative thrust. The less I struggled, the more I was swept up in the narrative flow. Yet, after the fact, I found it difficult to recall concrete details such as setting, plot, or even essential details about the characters. In essence, I was reading without absorbing any of it. While this might be admitting my failing as an intellectual, I can't help but wonder if the prose were so hard to digest because Faulkner took this approach to an absurd level.

Dream Jordan, a wonderfully talented author I met through Twitter, took a more moderate approach. Her award winning voice took on the same AAVE (AKA Black English Voice as well as others that aren't ebonics) as her character's speech, but it was used with care. At times, the prose was about as milquetoast as any YA novel grifted off the shelves, other times her voice was just as witty and biting as her characters. There was a rhythm to the work that was internally consistent and evocative of the nondiegetic logic of musicals. AAVE came out when the mood called for it and when it was absent I didn't feel coddled or talked down to. From Faulkner, I felt like I was reading an exercise the student forgot to stop.

What I learned from these contrasting approaches to naturalistic voice was that context truly was king. There was indeed a time and place for everything and that includes writing decisions. If a tautology like "standing up" doesn't work, it can almost be guaranteed that there are moments that it does work. My problem with Faulkner is largely the same problem with the dogmatic rules of writing repeated ad nauseum in our circle, no conditions. Faulkner used spoken voice without stop, while also pushing narrative aside in service for of an in and out stream of consciousness. I wasn't a fan and it's made me more than a little hesitant to stick my foot into the pool of modernist fiction when my toe is still red and itchy.

That being said, spoken tautologies have to be viewed through the context of this story. I don't know if I necessarily gain anything by using extra words to say the same thing. Staging is already somewhat overblown in the prose (another "bad habit" of mine) so while editing I'm more inclined to cut words rather than preserve.

Beyond that, our narrator tends to use dramatic repetition. The first person perspective the story takes lets us delve deep into Ian's mind, but he's far from a transparent narrator. He hides facts from himself as much as the reader while repeating facts because he's either dwelling on something or unable to see the truth of a situation. He struggles to understand not only the world but his own motivations and so the stream of consciousness produces repetitive phrases. Do these work? I would argue that they do, that without them the stream of consciousness voice would be too frank to be emotive.

But considering my tendency to go on about things without actually getting to a point, it might just be a fundamental flaw of mine. (Isn't irony fun?)