I put my thumb andindex over my eyes and thought about what I had done. I had letRodger talk me into following my lust. I was being controlled by theforces of Satan, or whatever dark parts of the universe that made melook at girls like they were nothing but objects for my pleasure. Iknew that my lust was capable of ignoring all logic and sense, and itwas willing to do disgusting horrible things.

I punched my head.

I was so mad atmyself for turning those barriers off. I put them up to keep me outof trouble, and if I hadn't remembered Mindy I probably would've hadsex with that girl. She would've been some one night stand. Knowing my luck, shewould've had some baby who never knew its father. I wouldn't havecared. All I would've cared about was getting it again andagain. It wouldn't matter to me if the girl was sober or willing.Pretty soon I would've been a rapist.

I needed to keepthat part of myself in check.

I stood up andtook some slow breaths until I had composed myself, then I textedRodger that I wanted to go home. After a series of confusing back andforth texts between us, we managed to meet up at the edge of the dunebuggy racing.

Rodger's hair wasa little messed up, so it stood to reason that he had been having apretty good time. He looked understandably annoyed at me.

"Dude, what thefuck?" was his greeting.

"Hey, Rodger,"I said to welcome him.

"This party isJUST getting started," Rodger growled.

"Sorry,but I'm not having any fun," I crossed my arms and lookedaway. "Can't we just leave?"

"Did you evenTRY to..." Rodger started, but then he noticed something. "Isthat lipstick?"

Rodger walked overto my right so I looked left instead.

"Holy fuck, itis!" Rodger exclaimed taking a couple steps back.

I wiped at mymouth.

"Ian Smitgetting some action!" Rodger teased. "You must've been having funat some point. What happened, did her boyfriend find out?"

"No..." Imumbled. "I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go."

Rodger put his armover my shoulder. I grimaced.

"You don't needto be embarrassed, man," Rodger said in more of a chuckle than aconsoling manner. "Everyone's first kiss is awkward. You just needto move on to the next girl and stop worrying about it."

"No, I don't!"I snapped pushing him away from me.

"Whathefuc?"He asked in a single breath.

"I don't want tofind a girl and kiss her! I don't want someone to kiss. I don't wanta girlfriend, and I don't want to any of this!" I yelled at him. Inthat moment Rodger was the cause of all my problems.

"Hey, you're theone who got some action," Rodger protested poking his fingertowards me.

"I don't want tobe like you!" I screamed.

That took Rodgerby surprise. He stopped scowling and instead just looked at me withbewilderment. I was seething with rage. I was literally huffing outmy breaths from behind a scowl. A swallow did nothing to calm me.

"What makes youthink that's what I want?" Rodger snapped. "Because I took you toan exclusive party? Because I offered you pot. ONCE!? All I've triedto be is your friend and you treat me like I'm a burden. Why is that?Am I not smart enough for you now? Do you think I'm too evil to beyour friend?"

"No," Imumbled and he continued.

"Does thethought of me smoking pot and cigarettes and drinking disgust youthat much that you can't even look at me like I'm a human being?"Rodger yelled.

"NO!" Iscreamed back louder. "It's not like that."

"Then what isit?" Rodger asked. "Why don't you like me, man? We used to bebest friends and now you're always busy. I have to come up toyou at school at convince you to talk to me, like it's a big fuckingburden!"

"It's cause I'mjealous, alright!" I said with such conviction that spit flew frommy lips.

"Shut up,"Rodger said in a low irritated tone. He crossed his arms and lookedaway from me.

"I am. You'relike this cool guy that everyone wants to hang out with. I don'tunderstand why you're wasting all of this time talking to me when youcould have any friend you want?" I asked not understanding myself.

"Why can't Iwant to be your friend, dumbass?"

"Fuck you," Imumbled back.

"Oh, that's notgood enough for you?" Rodger rolled his eyes. "You get tobe melodramatic and say that you're jealous of me, but you can't justaccept that I want to be your friend?"

"No!" Isnapped and turned my back to him. "We have nothing in commonRodger. I want to be a paleontologist, and I like wasting my timewatching Netflix, and you go out to parties like this all the time.It doesn't make any sense why you'd want to be friends with a...square... or whatever you call people like me. Loser?"

Silence. My heart and head were all over the place. I feltlike I could punch him and break down crying all in the same instant.Rodger and I were nothing alike, but as much as I hated it, he wasthe only real friend I had. Getting rid of him meant complete isolation. It was better to do this, then to keepinghaving a friendship that doesn't mean anything.

"How about thefact that you're a good person?" Rodger asked, spitefully. "Couldthat possibly be a reason to be your friend? Is it even remotelypossible that I want to be your friend because you had my back whenmy parents went all psycho? I mean sure I've been through some shitand it's changed me, but so have you."

"What are youtalking about?" I mumbled and took a couple steps away from him."I'm like the same fucking person I was five years ago."

"No, you're not."He growled cutting me off.

I stopped walkingand slowly brought my eyes up to meet his. He was mad at me. Good. Ididn't want to be his friend anymore.

"I know youthink I'm an idiot, or that I don't care about you, but I know,"Rodger said meaningfully, and in that instant I could feel that hewas telling the truth. "I don't know exactly what happened, but Ifigure one day you'll tell me."

I sighed. I felt my ragespilling out of me with every exhale.

"Or yourgirlfriend," he joked and it made me smirk.

Rodger threw hisarm over my shoulder and led me towards the beach. Almost everyonewas there waiting for the modern day princess to arrive.

"You just won'tdrop this, huh?" I asked irritated.

"Not a chance, man. I need details," Rodger said with a grin.

"Yougonna tell me what happened to your hair?" I asked looking overat his too close face.

Rodger smiled. "Dude, this girlwas so hot. She had like these perfect tits. They weren't likespilling out or anything, but she had this like thin sweater on thatwas just ungh! She was at least a nine man, I'm telling you!"Rodger bragged as he started gesturing.

I chuckled. Ihated how he objectified girls by numbering them, but it was nice toreturn to a status quo with him.

"So, we wereplaying Halo, and we're getting into the smack talk. She's likekicking my ass calling me a prick and all this shit. So I call her abitch and a cunt, and then when everyone takes off to go see Jennyarrive she comes up and pushes me, so I push her back and the two ofus start wrestling. I brushed up against her tits like four timesand she didn't give a fuck. This girl knew what was up, you know?"Rodger gave me a toothy grin.

"Ah," I saidwith mock understanding. "Well, I'm sorry I called you."

"It's cool, I'llrun into her again before the night's through." He shrugged.

I started to talkbut the speakers came on again.

"Alrighteveryone, there's Jenny Martins' jet ski. Lets all give her aholler to let her know how excited we are!" The coordinator said inwhat sounded like a reasonable tone. I guess the mile between me andthe fences was enough to dull the bombardment of sound.

After that, peoplewere just screaming. Everyone was shouting and screaming, and Icouldn't really understand why. Up past the crowd the sun was settingin the distance on my right. The beams of light were cascading overthe hillside and turning the few clouds red and purple. My viewwas partially obscured by a giant monitor that had been set up. Itturned on and showed a couple jet skis skimming over the surface ofthe water. There was also a motorboat trailing behind.

I had to assumethat one of the riders was in fact Jenny Martins, daughter of MarvinMartins multibillionaire CEO of Martins Airlines, and star of someDisney show that I couldn't even remember. It was one of thosegeneric shows about a teenage sit com except with all of the drama ofbeing a teenager sucked out. People started to chant "Jenny" andshe gave a couple of waves as the second jet ski pulled back to themotor boat.

They had set up amake shift pier on the edge of the beach. It looked sturdy enough, but I had no idea how these people even did that. On demand piers? Her jet ski came up up andsomeone helped Jenny Martins onto the pier. Her hair was blonde and alittle damp and she looked completely shocked, but in a happy enough.The other jet ski and motor boat came up to the pier as Jenny wastaking off her life jacket and smiling at the chanting crowd with hermouth hanging open.

I thought thatthis would be the worst part of the party, but her enthusiasm wasoddly infectious. She just looked so genuinely pleased. In fact,since her hair and make up wasn't overdone she actually looked likea normal person. When the rest of her party got onto the pier monitors said "Yell surprise in 3... 2... 1... SURPRISE".

I'm not ashamed toadmit that I yelled surprise too. I mean, when several milliondollars are thrown on a party, guests have a certainobligation to fulfill.

They gave Jenny amicrophone and she went up to this podium at the base of the pier. Herhair was still damp and tangled, but her beauty shone through itall. She had a very round and flattering heart-shaped face thatlent itself so well to being happy. It was her enthusiasm that reallymade her pretty. Her life was perfect, happiness had to come natural. It was a feeling that Icouldn't really relate to. Which made me acutely aware of howmiserable I usually was.

"Oh mygoodness!" Jenny exclaimed over the microphone. "I can't believethis!"

Her gathered fans cheered.

"I must looklike such a wreck right now and all of you came down here to seeSammy Sox." Jenny said with her mouth still smiling wide.

Someone shouted,"We love you Jenny!"

Jenny laughed."Thank you. I love you too. I love all of you for coming here!"

The speech kind ofwent on like that she was grateful and excited and she didn't reallysay anything personal. Since there were about three thousand peoplebetween me and her, it felt like I was watching a TV show orsomething. When it was done she told everyone to have fun, and thatshe'd try to say 'hi' to all of us. Around then, I turned aroundand saw Rodger making eyes at a blonde in a thin sweater. Iwanted to be happy for him as the two of them ditched me, but it justbrought my predicament into the forefront.

I was single, butI was single because of myself. Normal people could haverelationships with cute boys or girls without ruining their lives.They didn't have to check their hormones and emotions, because theyweren't perverse disgusting creatures. I didn't really know why I wasthe way that I was, but I knew that what had happened with Mindy wasproof of my identity.

--

And finally Jenny Martins is introduced. She's not exactly based on anyone, but that's not to say that she exists in a vacuum. Disney creates princesses like Jenny once every few years. She's celebrity by committee. Her mere existence speaks to the absurd economic difference and our society's desire to worship those that have what we never can. How will she play into the story at large? Just you wait.