In a way, I enviedthe animal kingdom. There everyone's roles were set. All but thestrongest would mate, and the weak sharks like myself could find apeaceful serenity in their role as a bachelor. I wanted to believethat I could be like that. I wanted to be this person that didn'tcare about girls, or dating, but whenever a cute girl was laughingand happened to smile at me, my heart would leap and I'd secretlywish that she'd never take her eyes off me. Every single time I wandered pasta couple making out a tinge of jealousy would swell in my chest. Whatwas it about that conformist that she found attractive? Why couldn'tI just conform?

I found my way toa hotdog stand that put chili and nacho cheese sauce on beef dogs.After the first bite, I was sold. It tasted like it could give me aheart attack. Some of the chili oozed out of theside from my mouth and I extended my hand to catch the drop. Itburned my hand a little, but it eased quick. On the floor, the sand was littered with wrappers and half-eaten sandwiches. To myright, someone take a bite of a hotdog and tossed it onto thesand.

This was someone'shome, maybe not a person's, but an ecosystem. This party ignored wild life. The beach had been chosen because somemillionaire's daughter thought beaches were pretty. I couldn't evenremember her name, but she pissed me off on principle.

I grabbed a bunchof napkins from the hotdog stand and started cleaning up. I felt likea dweeb at first, and the vendors looks didn't help, but when Itossed the last bit of rubish into a nearby can my heart swelled withpride.

"Some kind of aneat freak?" Came the feminine voice to my side.

I straightened upand looked over. The girl was black and had green eye shadow. Herhair was dyed orange and styled into a side part pixie cut. Her topwas a partially torn baby blue shirt, with her red and orangespeckled bathing suit clearly visible. I found myself staring at thecurve of her breast before looking back up to her face and smiling.

"A little," Iadmitted forgetting about the bad boy façade I was supposed to beprojecting.

She chuckled. "I'mpretty sure that Marvin Martins has enough money to clean a beachwhen the party's done."

I moved my hand tosweep my long hair away from my eyes. Feeling nothing, I moved my handto the unfamiliar short strands at the back of my head. I looked thegirl in the eyes, they were wide, white, and her irises shimmered green. Another fake affectation, but something no less beautiful.

"You're probablyright," I admitted. "I was just thinking about all of the animalschoking on soda rings and the like."

"Ah," she saidwith comprehension. "You're one of those rich activist types."

She crossed herarms and leaned to one side. The gesture brought her cleavage intoprominent view. It made me sick how easy it was for my lust to getthe better of me. I bit my lip and looked away.

"Not exactly,"I mumbled and crossed my arms. "I'm just another poor kid trying tohave a good time."

"Hmm." Shesounded bemused if not impressed. "That's pretty gentlemanly of you to keep me fromassuming that you're rich."

"I still couldbe," I corrected and looked back at her. "Rich people hate itwhen people know they're rich."

"Not in myexperience," she said with a chuckle.

Then she smiled atme. It wasn't a come-hither smile that's reserved for pornos, or the'I'm in love with you' smile used in romantic comedies. It was afriendly smile. It was like she figured out who I was, and she likedwho she saw.

"I'm Kay," Shetold me with a nod of her head.

"Ian." I extended my hand.

She chuckled andgave my hand a gentle shake. "You're so formal. It's adorable."

"Um..." Iblushed so hard I felt nauseous. "Thanks, I think."

"You want to getaway from all of these fakers?" Kay asked looking off to thehorizon.

"I don't reallythink that's possible," I told her honestly. "But I'm open tosuggestions."

Kay motioned withher head towards the tall green fence on the edge of the party. Itwas away from the entrance, and as I followed her I started to seeless hospitable trailers arranged and more masses of wires. If I hadto guess I'd say the generators were somewhere over there. She waspretty quiet as she led the way. I wasn't sure what thoughts were onher mind, but I was starting to regret following her. I mean, I wassupposed to be finding girls and making out with them, but I reallywasn't sure if that was what I wanted to do. Would it really be sobad if I just ducked out into a room and played Halo the whole time?

She found a spotfor us away from the mass of the highschool bombshells and mall cladpopular people. It was behind a heavily wired room and there wasn't alot of light shining on us. She found a spot against a wall andpropped her foot up. I just kind of stood there and looked at her.There was something about the way she was standing that it remindedme of Rodger. She looked like she wanted to smoke.

"It's nice tofinally be off camera." Kay said with a sigh of relief. She pulledher thin shirt and loosened the fabric around the curves of herbreasts. It wasn't really hot out, so the gesture made me paranoidthat she was trying to seduce me, while at the same time fallingvictim to said seduction.

"They're filmingus?" I asked looked around the buildings.

Kay nodded. "Yeah,this whole thing is going to go on TV next Friday."

"Oh great," Isaid dreading the thought that people at school would see me tryingto act like a hard ass. Really, I just looked like Rodger.

Kay gave a sweetchuckle that put some of my fears to rest. "I guess you're not hereto get famous."

"No," Iadmitted and leaned against the wall next to her. "Is that whyyou're here?"

"Yeah," Kaybreathed in and her chipper face turned sour. "I've got like aYoutube channel that I'm promoting. I mostly sing and play covers,but it's something. It's really the only chance I have of gettingfamous."

"That's reallycool!" I meant it. Talented people always made me sojealous, because the only talent I had was listing Tournament ofCastles trivia.

Kay gave an ironicsmile. "Yeah, it's really cool. I came onto this show to try tomake an impression, but there's a lot of people here. I'm not evenclose to the best either. First thing I did was find the band rooms.This one guy had this flawless cover of Journey."

"Well, Glee's alittle over-rated," I offered sympathetically.

Kay laughed andlooked over at me. She had a softness in her eyes, but her eye browswere arched inward in irritation.

"Hey, I gotstarted because of Glee," Kay said and she opened her mouth tocontinue, but she stopped and shook her head. Then she turned herhead forward. "Maybe you're right. I mean, it's not like this isstar search or something. The only way I'm going to get on screen isif I manage to get close to the birthday girl, but that's never goingto happen."

I didn't know whatto say. I felt like I should comfort her, but everything she wassaying was true. Kay was pretty and she might've had a great voice,but so did hundreds of the people there. I hadn't even realized thatpeople were trying to use this as a casting opportunity. Rodger hadpromoted it like a Highschool dance full of nothing but hot singlegirls, I guess I hadn't really thought about what this party was.

"Why are youhere?" she finally asked breaking the awkward silence.

"Um..." Myhand went back up to my non-existent bangs and then ran their courseto the back of my head. "I guess I'm here to meet new people."

Kay chuckled andthen moved away from the wall to face me with her shoulders squared."Meet new people?"

Kay arched herbrow and smirked at me. There was something to the way she waslooking at me. It made my heart start to pound in my chest and sendmy blood into my cheeks. Was she being flirtatious? I was so cluelessabout this stuff.

"Yeah, why not?"I said with a shrug.

Her teeth shonethrough her smile. "Because you're probably never going to see anyof these people again."

Kay took a stepforward placing her entire body within arms reach. It would've been easy toput my arm around her. But I didn't know if she wanted that. But even without realizing, I tilted my headslightly and relaxed my jaw.

"I... could..."I whispered weakly and found myself staring at her lips. The lush redgloss looked so soft and inviting. My heart picked up, my eyesstarted to wander down the length of her neck, then to her eyes, herchest, and every part of her. I was taking in her sight.

Kay leaned herhead in close and I moved with her, closing my eyes. I was slightlytaller so she caught my bottom lip in the fullness of her kiss. Thatawkward initial point of contact relaxed my inhibitions about thesituation. I took my lips off hers just long enough to plant a full kiss on her. She breathed in and pressed her lipsagainst me. I parted my lips slightly and when she did the same, mytongue delved into her.

All of the mentalblocks I had built were starting to crumble down. In that moment Ihadn't given any thought to what that meant, I just kissed her andfaintly heard myself moaning into her mouth. My arm went around toher back and pressed her against my chest. I felt her chest pressagainst me and she pushed herself into me with such force that myback slammed against the metal siding.

With her body inmy arms, and her lips against mine I was content. I was just coveredin the warmth of affection and desire. I didn't fight the urging ofmy hormones. I just pressed my tongue against hers only stopping tomoan and gasp for air. Then her hand went to my leg. She was tenderlyrubbing it. It was exciting at first, but then she slipped her thighbetween my legs. She pressed against my crotch, and I felt myselfpush against her.

My mind conjured up thoughts of Mindy.

My tongue slowedand my body stilled. My heart seized up and blocked off anyenjoyment that I could've had. I felt a divine light burning down at the center of my heart. I was filled with so much selfloathing in an instant that I thought I was going to pass out orvomit. Thankfully, Kay stopped.

My breathing waslabored. Each pound of my heart painfully racked my chest. Kay waslooking on with concern, but I couldn't find it in myself to tellher what was going on.

"Did I dosomething wrong?" Kay asked.

I tried to talk,but I only managed to swallow.

"Ian, it's ok ifyou're-" She started to talk about my sexual status when thespeakers came on.

They were arrangedon the outer wall to reach everyone who was out on the beach. Itscreamed so loud that I clamped my hands over my ears and shut myeyes.

"ALL RIGHTEVERYONE! ARE YOU HAVING FUN?!?!?!" Came a deafening and perky female voice.

I heard thedistant voice of some people cheering, and I opened my eyes. Kay wasworried about me, but she also looked pretty annoyed. I couldn't tellif it was because of the speakers or me.

"THAT'S WHAT ILIKE TO HEAR! EVERYONE LISTEN UP! IN JUST FIFTEEN MINUTES JENNYMARTINS IS GOING TO BE HERE! SHE'S REALLY EXCITED IT'S HER BIRTHDAY,AND SHE HAS NO IDEA THAT SHE'S JET SKIING TO HER OWN PRIVATE BEACHPARTY! SO WHEN SHE GETS HERE EVERYONE NEEDS TO YELL SURPRISE!" Thecoordinator instructed and luckily that was it.

The silencelasted long enough for me to hear the ringing of my ears.

Kay spokeup, "I think the announcement's done."

I nodded withagreement, but kept my head down low. I kept thinking about Mindy,and it made me want to die.

"Are you ok?"Kay asked.

I sighed andlooked up at Kay. She still looked annoyed. I couldn't blame her.There was a part of me that hated myself just as much as she did. Ofcourse, that part wasn't really on speaking terms with me.

"No," Imanaged to say.

"Did..." Kaywas cautious around me, like she was trying to figure out what shedid wrong. There was something else going on inside of brain as well."Did I go too fast?"

I blushed and Ijust locked up. I couldn't talk without my lungs feeling like theywere going to explode.

"I'm sorry,"Kay sounded more angry than apologetic. "I was just going to giveyou a peck, but things got so intense, so fast. I thought that's whatyou wanted."

"Su... sorry,"I choked out.

Kay crossed herarms and looked to the side. "It's fine."

"It uh..." Myvoice was coming out as a whisper before she interrupted me.

"Well, I guess webetter head to the beach to greet the millionaire's daughter," Kaysaid bitterly only a moment before walking off.

I followed. I wracked my brain to find the words, but I wasn't able to speak. I kept clearing my throat,but nothing would happen. She kept walking faster and faster untilshe lost me in a sea of conformity. When I finally lost eye contactwith her I just stopped. There was a building nearby, and I justwandered inside. There was nothing but couches and sofas and I founda love seat to brood on.

--

This was such a contentious sequence for me. This isn't the first time I've come back to this novella and every time I think about cutting Kay out completely, but I like what it says about Ian, I like how it builds up the drama of his past, and I like how effective it is at showing the separation from how Ian sees himself and what his actions say about him. Still, Kay is more or less throwing herself at him and that's something I struggle to justify. 

Yet, in the world of romance these kind of encounters happen and they happen a lot. Much as writers prop up the concept of the meet-cute, an explosive initial attraction can give romance a ton of momentum. Is it that alone that makes lust at first sight such a compelling narrative device, or is it art imitating life?

People have casual hookups. This isn't something that fiction invented. What motivates a person to engage in this behavior? I've heard everything from boredom to self destruction to raging lust to explain this behavior from those who've lived it firsthand. People are rarely homogenous, so why should the reasons matter?

Because this is a work of fiction. Strange as it might be, discussions about characters are far more scrutinized than the actions of real human beings. That's because of the God in the Machine, or in this case my fingers and brain. Kay didn't choose to come after Ian and then disappear, I did. So what were my motivations? If I know it's sketchy, why not take it out?

I suppose the question of editing and rewriting can all come back to discussions about authorial intent. Everything the story gains by having these interactions with Kay, I could've worked into the story without her inclusion. If I want to stay deep in the mind of Ian, I could've changed this interaction to him doing something as simple as watching girls play beach ball in bikinis. His arousal is enough to trigger memories of Mindy and I can move on from there, but I feel like the story loses a LOT by doing this.

First and foremost, I think that Ian needs to be active. If he's passively reacting to his lust, there's a degree of guilt that's taken out of Ian's hands. I think it's important for the reader to understand that how he talks to himself about women is dramatically different from how he judges them and how he interacts with them. He might seem like a shy nice guy on the surface, but that isn't his story and he doesn't fit the archetype. There's a lot more going on with Ian than traditional high school roles and I need him to be active to get any of that across.

Another reason that I didn't want a voyeuristic encounter triggering his lust is because it goes against the ongoing narrative Ian feeds himself.  There's lots of attractive high schoolers at the party and they're going out of their way to stand out. If a hot woman makes Ian lose his cool, he'd be thinking about Mindy all the time. While that was an option, it does a terrible job of showing the core internal and thematic conflict.

I also like introducing Kay because it creates an encounter for us to compare the romance to come with. It tells us more about Ian than clunky bits of dialogue or navel gazing would do.

Regardless, I am still the author and there is the lingering question of why. Why write a character into the story just to throw her at him? In a story that's so tied to the objectification of women, why create a woman who serves as mere titillation?

To a certain extent, this framing is insulting. If Kay is a person than this framing takes away her agency. Kay doesn't need more of a reason than looking for a guy to make out.. But as a writer, I'm not allowed to talk about a character that I created as a person. She is a narrative device and serves a thematic purpose, so why did I take the story down this path?

When I think back to my inspired initial typing, it's hard to justify any one decision. With the novella complete I can look at how Kay's introduction serves the narrative, character development, and theming, but I wasn't consciously weighing those decisions when I put her into the story. If I have to answer, I think it comes down to the setting more than anything else.

This is a place where high schoolers are going all out to validate their ego and place themselves firmly in the middle of the standard definition of beauty. High schoolers would hook up. They would do as much impulsive hormonal nonsense as they could get away with. There would be girls looking to make out with guys and Ian stands out.

But this moment was more to me than simple setting and consequences. If anything, the encounter with Kay is a burning story question that needs to be answered. The question has been asked since the first paragraph. Ian is "dragged" to this party to find girls to make out with. He's hesitant to actually do that. Why? Is he a closeted gay? Is he too much of a gentleman to get dragging into such tom foolery? Neither answer really makes sense with what's been set up. I think the story needs to show Ian getting exactly what was promised so that the reader can get past all of his excuses and see what's really going on.

At the end of the day, I know that these explanations will seem like Ian taking a derisive tone to Rodger when he is arguably just as bad. These are the rantings of a pervert trying to justify their male gaze through claims of artistry. And for those who take such a bad faith reading of my work there is no argument to be made. I sexualize women because I am a pervert. Full stop. And there is a substantial portion of my psyche that buys into this exact narrative.

As I wrote before, I am constantly at war with my lust and propriety. From that perspective, taking Kay out seems like a disservice to the story. For if this one scene brings me so much hesitation and shame, then maybe I am speaking honestly about the depths of my soul. If I am a pervert than I must strive to I find a way to live with a mind so repugnant that it repulses those I invite inside. But even if this is the case, why can I not shake the feeling that I am not alone?