When we got to theballroom, there were only a small handful of people socializing asthe onboard staff cleaned. We got a more thanfew looks as we wandered around looking for Jenny and Mary. Aliciahad made sure that everyone knew who she was by screaming at herfamily, and now that we were traveling hand and hand again, I feltthe eyes of the world following me. This time it didn't really botherme. Alicia was famous, and I was her boyfriend. Those things weregoing to happen.

After asking a fewentirely unhelpful party goers, one of the staff directed us to themain deck of the cruise ship. There was a large open area that wasvisible from the upper levels of the ship, where the ball room waslocated. Hundreds of people were gathered around Jenny and a vastarray of presents. We went down the stairs slowly. Aliciawas quiet and thoughtful.

"Are younervous?" I asked her.

"No." She squeezing my arm. "I have you with me Ian. I don't have anything tobe nervous about."

I smiled at her,but felt a sting of self conscious doubt. I wasn't sure how I couldhelp Alicia apologize to her family outside of being there for her.It hardly felt like enough.

Right before wedescended the outer stairs to Jenny's unwrapping ceremony, I spottedsome older people in business suits and formal wear. Among them was avery ecstatic looking director. He smiled and raised a glass. Ilowered my head. The last thing I wanted was to have any association with that man.

"Alicia," Isaid grabbing her attention. "The director of Jenny's birthdayparty has been filming us."

"I don't care."She let me pass her on the steps. When I looked back ather, she took my cheeks in her hands and kissed me softly. I feltmyself be drawn into her, and my hands drawn to the subtle curves of herhips in a tender embrace.

"People aregoing to watch us. I don't want that to get in between us," Shereleased my head and grabbed my hand.

Alicia led me downonto the vast open deck of the ship. The crowd gathered around Jennywas substantially smaller than it had been at the ballroom. It seemedto me that people weren't looking forward to Jenny opening an entireboat's worth of presents. I couldn't help but wonder how many of thegifts were redundancies. Some of them were probably sponsorships and endorsements. There were open boxes and racksof clothing on wheels. There was enough for a dozen different girl'sbirthday parties.

Jenny herself wassurrounded by what I assumed was her inner circle of friends --glamorously dressed girls with painfully fashionable dresses,jackets, scarves, and of course shoes. Being a straight guy, I didn'treally know much about what they were wearing, only that it lookedlike the kind of things celebrities wore at red carpet events andinterviews.

Jenny was lookingthrough the pile when she spotted Alicia and I descending thestaircase. She smiled hopefully and then gave me and her a quizzicallook. She had to investigate once she was me. Next thing I new, everyone was looking at me and Alicia. Well, mostly Alicia, but I couldn't exactly escape their gaze. I tried to spot Mary Martins and saw her on the far end of the pile of presents.She was talking to some of the party staff.

When Jennyapproached Alicia, Alicia released my hand and gave her sister a weakwave.

"Hey," Aliciasaid. "I'm sorry about what I said."

Jenny shook herhead and threw her arms around Alicia. As the sisters embraced andwhispered quiet things in their ears, Jenny's attractive, rich, andmostly age appropriate friends were looking me over like gift housewith bad teeth. They all wanted to bombard me with questions, and only my proximity to the Martins gave me any protection.

The girls endedtheir embrace with an awkward pause...and Jenny's eyes slid over to me.

"This is Ian."Alicia pushed me forward a little. "He's my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?"Jenny choked out the word.

Alicia blushed andnodded in the affirmative. I held out my hand and introduced myselfto Jenny. It was surreal having this beautiful super star looking meover trying to figure me out.

"It's nice tomeet you," I told her.

"You too."Jenny tilted her head this way and that trying to figure me out. "I can't wait to sit you downand talk."

"I believe theexpression is picking my brain," I muttered.

"How's Mary?"Alicia asked nervously. "Mad?"

Jenny looked backin Mary's direction and sighed. "You should probably talk to her."

Shame twisted Alicia's face.

I reached out and gave herhand a squeeze. "You want me to come?" I asked.

Alicia shook herhead. "I'll be okay."

Alicia kissed mycheek, making me feel like a display piece, and she walked over togreet her sister by the railings. Leaving me with Jenny, the millionaire heiress superstar and her friends swarmed me. I was slowly backing up, but Ididn't have that much distance between the end of the stairs and thewall.

"So these areall your presents?" I asked trying not to sound like a scaredchild.

"Yeah..."Jenny said dismissing the question, before striking with "You'reAlicia's boyfriend? Who'd you come with?"

"Um... my friendRodger?" I looked around for him. All I saw was asea of curious eyes from the audience. Of course, Rodger was gone. Heseemed to have a knack for appearing when I least expected him andbeing a ghost the rest of my life.

"You came inthrough the gate?" One of Jenny's friends asked arching an eyebrow. Another elbowed her lightly in the gut.

"How did youmeet her?" Jenny asked fingering a scarf that might be a boa, or aboa that was a scarf.

My back hit thewall and the girls had surrounded me in an arm's length semi-circle.They didn't seem to like the idea of some poor boy hooking up withJenny's sister. Their lack of trust was suffocating, and I wantedmore than anything to escape.

After twentyquestions times seven girls, Alicia and Mary had returned with smileson their face. Jenny let off me, but her friends kept their eye on meeven as Alicia returned and gave me a long solid hug. Soon, thepresent opening went back into action. Jenny started to run out ofpresents from fans and friends of the family, and finally Alicia gaveher sister her present. It was a thin picture sized present withcheap "Happy Birthday" wrapping paper covering it.

Jenny smirked atAlicia and unwrapped it to reveal the issue of People magazine thatexposed Jenny's secret relationship with the brat boy king fromTournament of Castles. Over the glass the words "I'm sorry" werepainted. Jenny looked pretty choked up about it and she gave Alicia abig solid hug, and then for some reason she proceeded to hug me aswell. It was awkward.

Mary's present wasjust a card. The contents of the card weren't read out loud, andthere was a single object inside. I wasn't sure what it was, but itobviously had a lot of emotional significance for Jenny as she wasnearly brought to tears. Mary hugged her sister and Alicia joined inthe hug and I could feel a zillion flashes embedding the image onflash drives and sim cards, and facebook profiles.

By that point, Iwas exhausted. All I wanted was to leave the party and find someplace to relax with Alicia. It took almost an hour later before the crowd was disbursing. We,Alicia, Jenny, Mary, some of Jenny's friends and I were escorted intoa helicopter to get a chopper ride back to the Martins' mansion. Ididn't even realize or care what was happening until I was in the cabin of the chopper.

The whirlingblades were spinning deceptively slow above me and I looked back tosee Rodger and Penny waving goodbye to me. He gave me a solid thumbsup that made me roll my eyes and smile. He watched me the entire timethe chopper was taking off, and I felt like Rodger had really done alot for me. Without him I never would've been there and I'd hated him for it.

The inner chamberof the chopper was large, enclosed, and the seats were soft. Jennyand her friends were climbing around looking out the windows andcommenting about the view with enthusiasm. Alicia planted next tome with her arms around my chest. Her body filled me with warmth andconfidence. I belonged because Alicia wasthere with me.

As we flew overthe dark ocean, back to the hills cradling San Fernando Valley, I sawripples on the shiny reflection of the moon. From our distance abovethe water only whales or some large amazing animal could make such asight. Seeing it reminded me that there was life everywhere. In thedepths of the ocean, and in the cracks of the sand. The death I saw was only really an illusion.

"I've never seenher in love before," Mary said in a deep voice over the twirl ofthe chopper blades.

I glanced back atthe other girls. Most of them were passed out, or in another part ofthe cabin, so I turned my attention back to Mary Martins. She hadgotten famous from having sex on video and taking all manner ofdrugs. It was so weird to see her there strapped into a helicopterseat having a conversation with me like we had just survived JurassicPark. She just looked like a girl who was pretty, but the kind ofgirl that had a reserved beauty. Her implants were still pressingagainst her plain tee, but her lack of make-up andreserved expression reminded me that she wasn't that girl from aleaked porn video.

"She looks sohappy with you," Mary commented with a bit of a sad smile.

I smiled back ather. "I'm glad."

Alicia wascompletely asleep against my side. I was pretty sure that she wasdrooling on my shirt, but I could find a way to make myself care.

"I know that Ishouldn't say anything, but I just need to know." Mary Martins leaned in to talk to me. She looked serious as a cobra or maybe a bear.

"You want toknow if I'm serious," I said somehow understanding her look.

Mary noddedslowly.

"I know thatthis is going to sound crazy, but I am," I said feeling my bloodrush up to my cheeks. "I've only known her for a few hours, butI've gotten closer to her then I've gotten to any person I've ever known. I don't think I've ever know anyone like her and..."

My voice trailedoff. I didn't know how to explain how it felt. How could I tell herhow this girl in my arms made me feel important andsafe and cared for all at the same time. There wasn't anything aboutour meeting that was magical. Maybe ourconversations weren't that special. I never promised that I didn't careabout her money. I didn't assure her that I'd do whatever it took tomake our relationship work, but I knew that I would. I knew because Iloved her. Just like she knew that she wanted to be with me despiteeverything that I had done in the past.

"You love her,"Mary said with a little sigh as she leaned back against the wall.

"No one seems tothink that's possible," I observed and then glanced over at Jenny'sunnamed sleeping friends. "They all think that I want something outof our relationship. Like money or fame or something, but I don't."

I gave ananguished sigh.

"It's because ofwho we are," Mary explained. "Inside all of us is that greed.There's a part of us that doesn't want to work. When you grow up richlike ... like me. You get used to the idea of people giving youeverything that you want. You... you don't understand that you haveto work hard to get what you want, and you start to think thateveryone thinks like you do. It makes it too hard to trust people."

She sounded verysad and shameful. I could tell that she wasn't really talking aboutJenny or her friends anymore. Mary really wanted to change, but shewas scared that she couldn't.

"If that's thecase then why do they care so much about Alicia?" I asked and thenswallowed my fears away. Confronting my girlfriend's druggy sisterwasn't scary compared to what I'd been through today. "Why do you?From what little I know about you from the media you don't act likeyou care about yourself, but you care about Alicia and Jenny. Why?"

Mary scowled at meand I knew that I had gone too far. Whatever honesty or trust thathad existed between us was crushed the second I started asking abouther life. Then she surprised me by closing her eyes and letting go ofthat rage. She sighed it out and talked to me without making eyecontact.

"Caring aboutthem is easy," Mary explained. "They're young and beautiful andso pure inside. I've never been like them, and I never could. Theonly reason they've grown up to be such wonderful girls is becauseI've been there as a shining example of what not to do."

She opened hereyes and dabbed under them with the tip of her finger. It was a moveso restrained and deliberate that it made it hard to believe that shewas tearing up.

"I don'tunderstand how you can give up on yourself, while you still care somuch about how your sisters see you. Doesn't that mean your important to them? If they care about you, doesn't that mean thatyou're worth caring for?" I asked not understanding why I wassaying these things.

"Maybe," Marysaid quietly but then she shook her head and kept staring out thewindow. The first of the yellowed city lights were shining on herface. "No. Their disappointment gives me shame. It gives mehumility, but it doesn't mean that I'm worth their affection; it onlymeans that I have it. I wish...I pray for my sisters to give up onme. Then they won't care when I relapse again. Then it won't hurtthem when I destroy myself again."

"But that's nottrue," I protested. "Alicia had written you off, and it brokeyour heart. I saw it. I saw it there in your eyes when you werestanding on that stage. You wanted her to love you just as you loved her."

Mary didn'trespond. She just looked out window and bit her bottom lip. Heranguished eyes scanned the city until she seemed to find some kind ofcourage. She swallowed.

"Why do you care?" Mary asked. "You've heard what I've done. You've probablyseen me... naked. Fuck, half of the world has by this point. Why doyou care if I care about myself?"

The question wasstrange. It put me off guard and made me feel self conscious about myinquiries that I really had no right to ask. I took in a breath ofair and kept my eyes steady against her somber gaze.

"Because, Iwonder the same thing," I said with a sigh. "I wonder if I havethe strength to overcome my weakness and be the kind of boyfriendthat Alicia deserves. I mean, I don't really care that much aboutmyself, but she cares about me and it makes me want to be somethingmore. I want to be someone that deserved to be with her."

"You are,"Alicia said plainly from my shoulder. She pulled away and wiped somedrool from the corner of her mouth. She squeezed me and then lookedover at Mary. "You both are. You don't have to try to be somethingamazing, you just have to listen to that voice inside of you thattells that people care about you."

"It's too hard," Mary said somberly.

I gave Alicia anaffirming squeeze and she sat up and leaned forward to look at Mary.

"That's love, Mary," Alicia told her with conviction. "We love you and we'renot ever going to give up on you because we love you. No matter howmany times you try to run away from us and the world, we'll be herewith our love."

"I'm not worththat love," Mary's voice quivered from the strain of her tears.

"But you are!"Alicia pleaded.

Without thinking. I interjected myself into the conversation again. "You have thatsame love inside of you. You love your sistersunconditionally. That's why them aging brings you shame, because youlove them too much to become that counter example you've been. Wewant to be something more because we don't love ourselves the waythat they do."

"You don't needto change who you are!" Alicia pleaded looking back at me and thento her sister. "You just need to believe in yourself."

Mary sniffed andwiped at her eyes. Then she undid the harness and leaned over to giveAlicia a hug. The sisters embraced each other. It was touching to seehow much Alicia cared for Mary, but it was also scary to know howmuch I shared with this person who had destroyed their life formaterial pleasures. At least I hadn't had an army of tabloids watching my every move.

"You two soundlike my therapists," Mary joked as she wiped at her eyes. Then shelooked over at me gave me an approving nod. "You're a goodguy."

I smiled back atMary. "Thanks. I guess there's hope forthe two of us."

Mary leaned overand hugged my head into her shoulder. Her famous silicon breastspressed against my chest and her arms squeezed my head. It was alittle awkward, but mostly sweet.

"You bet," shesaid with a familial tone.

--

There's a dehumanization of Mary Martins and people like her that I really didn't have time to address properly in the story. I guess from a larger perspective, Mary Martins suffers from a lot of the aversion from lust that so many do, but her role as a public figure plays a larger part in this. I think for a lot of people a sex tape is an easy target for derision. Whether the tape was made for personal kinks or personal gain, the lust shaming populous doesn't care. With this single act, the consenting contributor becomes another figure to mock. Looking inward at why so many people are drawn to the popularity and success of those that release these tapes are never a matter for concern. Every gazing eye can do so through the veneer of disgust or even curiosity, while knowing full well that without that sex tape there'd still be millions of hours of porn for people to consume.

I liked the opportunity to give Mary a grounded human connection with the people around her, while also showing that her past taints every word spoken to her. With hindsight, people like Mary Martins probably have to endure conversations like this at every turn. As a public figure everyone thinks they know you and that includes your issues. Every person is born with an asshole and an opinion and as such there's never a shortage of shit to go around. How many times would a celebrity like Mary have a conversation like this where some well meaning individual attempts to dispense life changing advice?

This is definitely a moment that felt like it could've benefitted from additional details, but then if the narrative started engaging in a lot of back and forth between Mary and Ian it risks losing sight of the main plot. Pacing is such a delicate beast in fiction and I'm not entirely sure that the story gains a lot from a long ongoing discussion with Mary Martins, much as I sped through Ian's interrogation by Jenny.

I think my newer pieces try to give characters these meaningful interactions with enough time for those involved to reflect on this discussions, but frequently the advent of action set pieces can detract from these emotional moments while not always adding to them. Something I've definitely been trying to add to my newer works is time for characters to react and reflect. Maybe that's missing from this section here.