-authors note: I can do an introduction later but I really need to take this time now to get things off my chest.-

I've recently felt like I'm on a string swaying in the wind- one moment hanging in one direction pushed by the wind, another moment I'm floating still, and at the final moments of the day I'm flying in the completely opposite direction in 60 mph gale. 

To place this metaphor in reality, I have to admit when I'm living my day the way I want to live it within a routine that checks off all the boxes, I feel great, normal and not depressed. But when I do not do this or even when I still do this I go to bed feeling a pit of darkness, my depression, and my anxiety floating to the top of my skull worrying about how I can survive this- get better and not have to feel this or feel less. Because I don't think realistically I could ever stop feeling, I'm an empath by nature ever since I was young so not only do I feel my emotions, I can feel others, and sometimes these emotions are at an intensity that can be unbearable. 

My depression is unbearable. My anxiety is unbearable. I just don't want to be so fucked up. I don't want to have lost things I loved just because the places or things I did in them ultimately are not good for my mental health. I just want to be normal and do whatever the fuck I want.

But I can't because otherwise I will come flying down the train tracks and eventually derail hurting me and hurting the others I love most. I have this huge fear that I will end up that way- leaving this world and hurting others that I love most because of how I've acted.