I'm still in love with him. Deep down even after what hes done I still love him. He cheated, he lied, we fought. But I still loved him.

We were together 8 years. Engaged even in the end. But he left again. I wasn't enough. I never would be.

It's been almost a year since I have seen him face to face. But I see him on YouTube, on TV, at my job on posters, on the radio.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me go back 10 years and catch you up.

We met at a concert through my brother. Technically it was his concert with his band mates.

Not going to lie, I didnt even hear my brother say his name the first time I heard about him.

First time I met his ass. After that concert I should say we fell in love and have 40 babies but no. He was an ass to me. It took a week of being around him to even get him to acknowledge I was in the room with him. He always said he should have just pulled his head out of his ass and kissed me.

It took 6 months for him to warm up to me. Another 6 months for him to ask me on a date. And from then on we were inseparable. We talked everyday when he was on tour. I sometimes joined him.

After high school was college. I left for California for college. I went to USC. I got my undergrad in Communications and work for a radio station. I even scored a job after a grueling internship at a local radio station.

Which is currently where I am now. Sitting at my desk thinking of ideas for tonight's broadcast. Sure we have an outline but we do have some creative freedom every once in a while.

Another one of their damm songs starts on the radio as I turn my desk radio off. I can't stand to hear the beat of their songs knowing its him behind the drums.

It's been a year and I can't get him out of my damn mind. I know he's moved on. He moved on about 2 days after I slammed the door and left our house. He still lives there. He never left.

This is their first album since they went on hiatus. During the year apart he was home and working on his own music as a solo artist. He created something so beautiful.

But because of the hiatus he lost it. He became an alcoholic. At first it was just one night a week but it quickly grew from there. I was picking him up at his favorite bar almost 6 nights a week so he would be safe. Then the fights started.

Then the cheating. The cheating hurt more then anything. It hurt me down to my bones. Inside of my bones to the point where I thought I was burning from the inside out.

I see one of his bandmates once in a blue moon. Out and about or with my brother.

Shit there's a text from my brother now.

Yo boo bear. I needed to warn you. Your radio station has booked an interview with the boys in 2 weeks. Maybe you can take some time off? My brothers message rattled off.

I will put in a vacation request. I dont think it will get approved though. That's almost Christmas. I rattled off back.

His reply was a quick K.

I threw my phone on my desk.

"10 minutes. You need to get to the booth." My intern said to me smiling. I nodded and threw my hair up in a ponytail. No interviews tonight. Just some good old fashioned music. My shift is from 6pm to midnight. Tuesday through Saturday.

I slid into the booth and stretched out my arms.

Home.

I smiled as I reached for my laptop and turned on my apps that would make my job easier with what songs were requested and what one I would place in to get something else out there.

I quickly scan through the list as I notice only a few of the songs would have his voice in it and I could tune it out and concentrate on lining up more songs or taking some calls.

Not a bad night in my world.

My work week goes by quickly. My Saturday shift has just finished and I'm read to either pass out in bed or lay on my couch and binge watch Riverdale again. Mainly because I love me some Jughead.

As I'm walking to my car my phone starts ringing. I smile down at my phone noticing it was my friend and one of his bandmates.

"Bear!!!" He screams in the phone as I answer. "Hey. How are you?" I asked sitting down in the driver's seat of my car. "Good. And good show by the way. What are you doing right now?" He asked quickly. "Thanks love. I'm sitting in my car about to head home." I answer knowing he was about to ask me out. "Everyone is at Club 91. Come out with us. The guys have seen you in forever. And your dumb ass brother is here. We miss our bear!!!" He yelled in the phone. I froze. He said the boys.

"Bear. He's not here." He says lower. I swallow hard. Thank God I don't know if I could handle that or not.

"Be there in 20." I answer and hang up.

True to my word I get to the club in 20. My favorite bouncer is at the front. He lifts me up and squeezes me in for a huge hug.

"Hey bear." He says gruffly.

"Hey love. I haven't seen you in forever." I answer smiling up at him. His green eyes twinkle in the club lights.

"Yeah. I owe you a date." He said winking at me. He grabbed my chin and placed a small kiss on my cheek.

"Call me then." I said smiling up at him.

"BEAR!!!" I heard yells from the other side of the bar. I wink at the bodyguard right before I get bombarded from the boys. All hugs and kisses then when we get to the table I get kisses from the girls too.

Everyone has someone but me and one of the guys. Hes my wingman tonight. I slid my arm through his. "Drinking c buddy?" I ask. "Always little bear." He said laughing.

I push past sweaty and dancing bodies and make me way to the wooden bar. "Hey. Can I get a cherry coke and a beer?" I ask as the bartender nods. As soon as I grab our drinks I make my way back to our table.

I smile at a few faces I know on the way back. As I look up at the table I only notice one thing.

He's sitting in my seat.

He's here.

He's in my seat.

I was just sitting there.

I can't breathe.

I can't be here.

The glasses drop out of my hand as the glass goes everywhere. Everyone at the table immediately looks up. Even him. His eyes meet mine and they go wide.

He starts to slowly stand up. His hand reaching for me even though he was a good 10 feet away from me. His face looks pained and scared.

I keep shaking my head. No this can't be happening. I have been dodging him this whole time. I can't be in here with him.

His eyes haven't left mine as I turn and run out the front door.

Tears pooled at the sides of my eyes.

Not here. Not here. Go home and cry with your half baked ice cream pint. Don't break down now. Just wait a few more minutes.

I finally open the doors and the bodyguard stood there staring at me.

"Bear. What's wrong? Did someone hurt you?" He asked grabbing me. I shook my head.

"No. I just need to go home." I said smiling through my tears.

I know I probably looked crazy but I couldn't deal with him. I get out of his hands and turn to fast walk down the sidewalk to get to my car as quickly as possible.

I find my car and slid in the driver's seat. I place my hands on the wheel and immediately start sobbing. I lean forward and rest my head on the steering wheel.

Every thought and emotion I have ever had towards him start rushing to me. Overwhelmingly, I sob even harder not being able to control my emotions anymore.

Keeping it bottled up for so long has killed me slowly from the inside. I feel empty and alone in a crowd of people no matter what I do.

Why now? What did I do to deserve this? Why can't I just get him out of my system?

Why did he choose me back then? Why me?

I know deep down I can't be here but I also know that I need him.