A/N: Hello! I had an insomnia attack and since I didn't know what to do while I couldn't sleep earlier, I wrote this chapter in advance. 3 more chapters left <3 

Enjoy reading!

[WARNING: MATURE CONTENT AHEAD]

After drying my clothes, I asked Rowan to take us back to Brian's unit so he could rest there.

"I don't know what happened between the two of you, Sai," saad ni Rowan habang sumisilip mula sa rearview mirror ng kanyang sasakyan. "He didn't really say exactly what the problem is but he just told me that he's so upset with you. Sabi niya sa akin na ayaw ka niyang makita o makausap. That's why I didn't really get you to pick him up the other day, pero kung alam ko lang magkakaganiyan siya, sana pala pinapunta na agad kita. Sorry, Sai."

Kahit nakatingin siya sa daan, I still gave him a faint smile.

"No, Rowan. I'm sorry kasi nadamay ka pa sa gulo naming dalawa."

Marahan kong pinunasan ng tuwalya ang ilang bahagi ng basang buhok ni Brian habang payapang natutulog siya sa kandungan ko.

"Wala 'yon. I just hope you guys patch up things quickly."

"I hope so too, Rowan." Nagkatinginan kami sa rearview mirror at nagpalitan ng matipid na ngiti.

When we reached Brian's unit, Rowan helped me to get Brian to his bed. Nagpaalam din agad siya. As soon as he left, I went to Brian's cabinet to get his pajamas and the spare clothes that I usually leave in his house every time I stayed over. I quickly took a shower and changed into new clothes. After that, I grabbed a towel and a plastic basin which I filled with lukewarm water. I placed it on his bedside table to turn on the lamp next to his bed. The room was immediately filled with dim orange light.

Idinantay ko ang tuhod ko sa bed mattress at inabot ang laylayan ng t-shirt niya upang tanggalin ito, sinunod ko naman ang pantalon niya. Inilagay ko muna ang lumang damit niya sa sahig, habang iniisip na pupulutin ko na lang ito mamaya at sabay sabay na ilalagay sa laundry basket niya. Inabot ko na ang towel na nakababad sa basin, piniga ko muna ang tubig mula dito bago ako nagpatuloy sa paglinis ng katawan niya. It's not my first time seeing his body almost naked, but it still surprises me how he's always maintained his athletic physique kahit matagal na siyang tumigil sa pagsu-swimming. Despite his busy schedule plus the time he spends with me, he's still able to workout every morning or in the evening if the morning gets too busy for him. He's actually asked me countless times to workout with him but me being a lazy person denies him most of the time.

He's also made it a point to always eat healthily and reprimands me when he notices that I eat too much junk food. I smiled while wiping his body and thinking how Brian's actions always included my wellbeing.

Nang matapos ko na siyang punasan ay ibinalik ko na ang towel sa basin. I was about to get his pajamas from the bedside table when I suddenly felt his hand on my arm. I stopped and turned to him. His eyes were staring blankly at me. Nag-adjust ako ng upo sa higaan para humarap ng ayos sa kanya.

"Hey," I said softly as I stroked his hair. "Tulog ka pa, love."

Imbis na pumikit muli ay dahan dahan siyang bumangon habang hindi pa rin binibitawan ang braso ko at hindi inaalis ang tingin sa akin.

"Nauuhaw ka ba? Do you need water? Wait, let me get it for you." Tatayo na sana ako upang kumuha ng tubig para sa kanya ngunit hinigit niya ako pabalik sa pagkakaupo ko.

"I want us to talk." His voice was hoarse so he tried to clear his throat before repeating it. "Usap tayo, Sairyl."

"We can talk tomorrow, magpahinga ka muna," I said while avoiding his eyes. It's not that I wanted to avoid the conversation, I actually want to talk to him, but he's still drunk and I just want him to be completely sober when we talk.

"No, I want to talk now. I'm done waiting." I regretted looking back into his eyes. His cold, dark stare felt like it would pierce a hole in me. I carefully removed his hands from my arms as I said to him, "okay, but let me just get you water. You must be thirsty. I also got you a pair of pajamas," I took it from the table and gave it to him, "magbihis ka na rin para hindi ka lamigin."

Tumayo na ako at nagtungo sa kusina upang kumuha ng tubig para sa kanya. Pagkatapos mapuno ang baso ng tubig ay dumantay muna ako sa kitchen counter habang tinititigan ang tubig sa baso. Tahimik ang gabi ngunit nabibingi ako sa lakas ng tibok ng puso ko. Natatakot at kinakabahan ako. I don't know where to start or how to say it to him. I can't imagine how he'll react. I don't know how the conversation would even end.

"Brave it out," I said to myself as I pulled my feet to walk towards his bedroom.

Nasa banyo pa rin siya nang makarating ako sa kwarto niya kaya naman ipinatong ko muna ang baso sa table at umupo sa higaan niya habang hinihintay siya. Maya-maya ay lumabas na siya wearing only his black pajama pants. I noticed the tip of his hair was wet, he probably washed his face. He sat next to me and I handed him the glass of water. He drank all of it then rested his arms in the space between his thighs, staring at the empty cup in silence before he finally spoke again.

"Sabi mo gusto mong mapag-isa and I gave you space while trying to understand that you must've been really confused with what you saw." He's still staring at the empty glass with a dejected look on his face. "I would never ever cheat on you. I love you so much that you're the only one I can think of. I want you to know again that the girl you saw here was just really my high school friend, I just happened to see her in the building that morning and invited her for a coffee. That was just it. I swear to you."

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at sinabing, "I know. I'm sorry, Brian. I'm sorry kung hindi muna ako nakinig sa 'yo, sorry kung nag-doubt ako, pero naniniwala na ako sa 'yo. Sorry, sobrang nadala ako sa emosyon ko."

"Is that the only thing you should be apologizing for?" Inangat niya ang tingin sa akin, may halong tono ng pag-aakusa at hinanakit ang kanyang tanong. Sinubukan kong ibuka ang bibig ko upang sumagot ngunit isinara ko ulit ito dahil hindi ko mahanap ang mga tamang salita na dapat kong sabihin. Nagtitigan kami habang nababalot ng katahimikan. Siya ang unang nag-alis ng kanyang tingin bago magsalitang muli.

"I know about Cedric," he finally confirmed everything that I've been doubting recently, but there was one thing I didn't expect him to say. "Noon pa."

I still couldn't manage to speak so I just listened to him.

"About 6 months from my recovery, my memory of him started going back, but I was getting confused about it because you told me a different story. I started asking you again how we met and if you ever had a past relationship, but you kept on telling me the story you made up. I started asking Kyla but she was telling me the same story you were telling me. I started asking my friends about Cedric but they couldn't tell me anything and I couldn't reach Cedric. I was really getting confused lalo na nang mas lumilinaw sa akin ang alaala tungkol sa inyo. I remembered the first time I met you and how you cried over him when you saw him. I remembered the night we talked in front of the convenience store. I remembered how I asked you to date me if I win the swim meet. I remembered the night in Tagaytay." Nag-pause siya at inikot ang hintuturo sa lid ng baso. Huminga siya ng malalim bago nagpatuloy ulit.

"Back then, I wanted to ask you why you lied to me, but I thought about it so hard. Sabi ko sa sarili ko na siguro you wanted to start fresh without Cedric in your life. I tried to convince myself na you're just trying to forget about him. I wanted to help you so I went along with your story and never brought up remembering him. I said to myself na I'll just wait for the time you're ready to tell me the truth. I just wanted to do everything I can to make you happy and love me back. I just wanted to focus on us."

Tumigil ulit siya sa pagsasalita upang huminga ulit ng malalim. Ipinatong niya na rin ang baso sa sahig bago inabot ang kamay ko at tinitigan ito.

"Seven years," he said, "I was so happy with you. I thought I found peace, but that was until I found his name while calling you on your phone. I waited for you to finally tell me the truth but you lied to me again. Na-disappoint ako kaso sinubukan ulit kitang intindihin, inisip ko na lang na maybe the lie was made up so long ago that it might not have been an easy thing for you to tell the truth now. Gets ko naman 'yon pero mali ko rin ata, natakot din kasi akong ma-disrupt ang peace na meron tayo."

He suddenly started crying as he brought my hands closer to his face, I could feel his tears and his ragged breath on my skin.

"I'm sorry, Brian . . . " I managed to say while I also fought the tears that were threatening to fall. "Gusto ko na talaga sanang sabihin sa 'yo . . . "

"Really?" Inangat niya ang tingin sa akin, mas rinig ang hinanakit sa boses niya. "Is that why you went to him instead of listening to me? I was so f*cking worried about you kaya pumunta ako sa bahay mo kahit ayaw mo akong makita, I just wanted to check on you pero you seemed so fine smoking with him sa tapat ng bahay mo."

That's when I realized I wasn't imagining it that night when I felt someone watching us, he was actually there.

"Brian . . . " I wanted to explain to him but he cut me off.

"Minahal kita ng sobra sa loob ng pitong p*tanginang taon, tapos sa isang maling pagkakaintindihan lang, sa kanya ka kaagad tatakbo? Nagtiwala ako sa 'yo sa kabila ng mga kasinungalingan mo pero bakit hindi mo man lang nagawang magtiwala sa akin? T*ngina! Ano ba ako para sa 'yo, Sairyl?"

Binitawan niya ang kamay ko at idinantay niya ang ulo niya sa balikat ko habang patuloy na umiiyak. Ipinatong ko ang kamay ko sa ulo niya at sinubukan siyang yakapin. Naramdaman ko na ipinulupot niya ang mga kamay niya sa likod ko at niyakap ako ng sobrang higpit.

Hindi ko na rin napigilan ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko at habang hinahaplos ko ang buhok niya ay humingi ako sa kanya ng tawad.

"I'm really sorry, Brian. Sorry sa pagsisinungaling, sorry sa hindi pagtitiwala, sorry sa hindi pakikinig, sorry kung pumunta ako sa kanya. I'm so sorry. Hindi ko na alam ang sasabihin ko, pero sorry talaga."

Inangat niya ang ulo niya at hinawakan niya ako sa magkabilang gilid ng aking mukha. "Minahal mo ba talaga ako or even that was just a f*cking lie?"

Umiling ako ng mariin upang itanggi ang huling parte ng tanong niya. "Brian, mahal kita. Mahal na mahal kita. I lied about a lot of things to you but I really love you. Maniwala ka sa akin, please."

He didn't say anything but he looked deeply into my eyes as if he was looking for something, the truth maybe, before he pressed his lips to mine. I closed my eyes as I felt him pulling me closer to him, his tongue seeking entrance and deepening the kiss.

We've kissed a lot of times and he was always patient and gentle. This time, it's different. He was rough and aggressive as if he was putting out all his anger on me through the kiss. I had to push him so I could catch my breath as he didn't seem like he would stop anytime. I winced when he bit my lower lip before I managed to pull away. I could taste the blood from it and even before I could recover the air I lost, he pushed me to the bed and pulled up my legs so I was completely lying on the bed. He then went on top of me and proceeded to kiss me again with the same amount of anger he had on the first one. When he finally broke off the kiss, he moved his lips to the side of my jaw and to my neck. While doing that, I felt his hand move inside my shirt. I instinctively held his hand to stop him and he did stop.

We've never done it. For the past seven years, he only kissed and hugged me. He never asked more than that. He's always respected me as a woman.

That night, I felt like maybe it was what we needed to make our relationship right. I slightly pulled away from him to remove my shirt. He was initially surprised by my action. I felt a little bit embarrassed as it was my first time having a guy look at my body in its most vulnerable state. Because he was silent and was only staring for too long, I had the urge to cover my breasts with my arm but he stopped me and placed my hands on each side of my head. While still holding both my wrists, he leaned forward until our foreheads touched. He looked at me with eyes that bore so many unspoken words before meeting my lips again.

This time, the kiss was gentle as his touch was. His right hand left my wrist and I felt his hot palm against my cold breast as he kneaded it. I was feeling so many mixed emotions at that moment while I let his lips travel from my mouth down to my right breast while his hand continued to caress the other one.

I felt him undo the zipper of my pants and he stopped to look at me as if he was asking permission, I smiled at him and he pulled my pants down until I was left with only my lower undergarment.

I closed my eyes when he placed his fingers on both sides of my underwear, waiting for him to pull it down and be completely naked in front of him. But it confused me when I felt him take his hands away, leaving my underwear intact and the mattress lighter as he walks away from the bed.

He avoided my questioning eyes as he took the blanket and put it on me.

"I'm sorry, I'll sleep on the couch." He was already walking towards the door before I could say anything. I was left in his room, almost naked and completely shaken up. I wasn't able to sleep much that night wondering what's going on in Brian's head.

I still managed to wake up from my alarm the next day. When I went out of his room, I saw him sleeping on his couch. I called his office to tell them he was unwell and would need to take the day off. I wanted him to rest because I knew he would wake up with a very bad hangover.

I went to his kitchen to find something I could cook for him. There weren't enough ingredients, so I ended up ordering some soup online. While waiting for the order to arrive, I took a shower and changed into some decent work clothes I left in his cabinet.

"Thank you po, sir." Nag-abot ako ng tip sa delivery rider pagkatapos kong kunin ang plastic mula sa kanya. Sinara ko na ang pinto at agad na nilagay ang food tub sa microwave. Hinanap ko ang sticky notes at ballpen sa salas niya.

'May chicken soup sa microwave, i-heat mo na lang. Sinabi ko na rin sa work mo na mag-off ka muna today. Please take time to rest. I'll just go to work but I'll see you again later. I love you.'

Idinikit ko ito sa pinto ng ref niya. Nagtungo ako sa couch at lumuhod sa tapat niya upang mapagmasdan ang natutulog niyang mukha. Hinaplos ko ang buhok niya at hinalikan siya bago ako tuluyang umalis sa unit niya.

Sinubukan kong mag-focus sa trabaho but I always find myself looking at my phone frequently. I texted him during lunch break to check on him pero hindi siya nag-reply sa akin.

"Ang lalim ng buntong-hininga natin d'yan ah," komento ni Hannah habang ngumunguya sa chewing gum niya. Tumigil siya sa pagta-type sa computer at inikot ang swivel chair niya paharap sa akin. "Hindi pa rin kayo nagkaka-ayos ni Brian?"

Inabot ko ang tumbler ko at uminom muna dito bago sumagot sa kanya. "Ewan."

"Anong ewan?" Napakamot siya ng ulo sa labo ng sagot ko.

"Nagkausap na kami kaso lasing siya kaya hinayaan ko muna siya magpahinga. Galit siya sa akin kagabi. Pupunta ako ulit sa kanya after shift para mag-usap ulit kami."

"Good luck, mare." Tumayo siya at ipinatong ang kamay sa balikat ko bago naglakad patungong banyo. Napabuntong-hininga na lang ulit ako bago sinubukang mag-focus ulit sa trabaho.

Maya-maya lang ay tumayo rin ako sa kinauupuan ko upang magkape. Nagtungo ako sa pantry at habang hinihintay kong matapos ma-brew ang kape ay nakita kong dumaan si Cedric, may kausap ito sa telepono at mukhang busy. Nagkatinginan kami, ngumiti siya at kumaway saglit sa akin habang patuloy siyang naglalakad tungo sa kanyang office. Kumaway lang din ako sa kanya at kinuha na ang carafe upang i-transfer ang kape sa mug ko. Nang matapos ay sumandal muna ako sa counter habang hinihipan ang kape ko.

I thought about the things that Brian said to me. Inaamin kong may panandalian akong naramdaman noong makita kong muli si Cedric pero hindi pumasok sa isip ko na balikan siya at isantabi si Brian. Alam ko rin na hindi naman talaga naging fair kay Brian na itinago ko sa kanya ang pakikipagkaibigan ko kay Cedric. He was still my ex and it must've felt like a betrayal to Brian.

Humigop ako sa aking kape at itinulak ko na ang aking sarili upang maglakad pabalik sa desk ko. Sinilip ko saglit ang phone ko ngunit wala pa rin akong natatanggap na mensahe sa kanya.

Agad akong nagtungo sa unit niya pagkatapos ng trabaho. Hindi ko sigurado kung anong dapat kong i-expect nang kumatok ako sa pinto niya. Pagbukas niya ng pinto ay agad siyang naglakad patungo sa couch at tumitig lang sa nakabukas na t.v. Hindi niya man lang ako tinignan o hinalikan katulad ng madalas niyang ginagawa sa tuwing sasalubungin ako pagkatapos ng trabaho.

Sinarhan ko na ang pinto at naglakad patungo sa kanya upang tabihan siya sa couch. Ini-slide ko ang kamay ko sa baywang niya upang yakapin siya at ipinatong ko ang aking ulo sa kanyang dibdib.

"Kumusta ka?" tanong ko.

"I don't feel better," saad niya sa malamig na tono. "I think you should just go home and leave me be."

Nasaktan ako sa sinabi niya pero naiintindihan ko siya.

"I'm sorry, Brian. If you don't want me to speak with Cedric anymore, I swear hindi na ako makikipag-usap sa kanya." Hinigpitan ko ang yakap sa kanya ngunit naramdaman ko ang pagtanggal niya ng kamay ko mula sa baywang niya.

"You once promised me you'll stop smoking, pero nakita pa rin kitang naninigarilyo. I seriously don't know what to do with you anymore."

"I'm sorry, hindi na talaga ako uulit. I really mean it this time. I'll stop everything that you don't like, I'll do everything for you. Patawarin mo ako, please," pagmamakaawa ko sa kanya.

Tumayo siya, naglakad tungo sa kanyang pinto at binuksan ito. Lumingon siya sa akin, wala akong emosyon na makita sa mukha niya.

"Ihatid na kita sa inyo. Gusto ko munang mapag-isa."

I knew it was pointless to plead and stay so I quietly walked towards the door. We were also silent throughout the drive. He only spoke again once we reached the front of my gate.

"Please, 'wag mo muna akong kausapin o puntahan. I need time to think and breathe. I'll be the one to contact you kapag okay na ako." Pumikit siya at ipinatong ang ulo sa manibela habang mariin ang hawak niya sa magkabilang gilid nito. Tinanggal ko na ang seatbelt ko at bago ko buksan ang pinto ay tinignan ko ulit siya.

"I'm really, really sorry, Brian. Please know that I love you." Bumaba na ako ng sasakyan niya pagkatapos kong sabihin 'yon.

Lumipas ang isang linggo na wala akong narinig sa kanya. Maraming beses kong pinigilan ang sarili ko na i-text siya o pumunta sa unit niya. Gusto kong respetuhin ang hiling niya na hayaan muna siyang mapag-isa. Humingi na lang ako ng tulong kay Rowan na palaging i-check si Brian to make sure he is okay.

"Hay, nakakalungkot. Mababawasan na naman ng pogi sa office," saad ni Hannah habang pinapanood ang mga office assistant na mag-ayos ng decoration at mga pagkain sa breakroom para sa last day ni Cedric sa office. Babalik na kasi siya sa Australia.

Isang beses na lang ulit kami nag-usap ni Cedric pagkatapos ng gabing 'yon. Sinabi ko sa kanya na naalala na ni Brian ang lahat at nakita niya kami noong gabing hinatid niya ako sa bahay ko. Sinabi ko rin sa kanya na galit sa akin si Brian at hindi pa rin ako nito kinakausap. Humingi rin ako sa kanya ng pasensya dahil hindi ko na magagawa ang inorder niyang mga cupcakes. I was too consumed with my relationship problem that I didn't have the energy to do it anymore. I asked him if I could just pay him back in installment but he refused and told me that it's his gift to my mom. After that, I just kind of avoided him.

"Nag-usap na kaya ulit sila ng first love niya?" tanong ni Hannah habang kumukuha ng cupcake sa lamesa. Sinita siya ng isang staff nang makita siya, nag-behlat lang siya at nagpatuloy sa pagkagat sa kinuha niyang cupcake. Umiling na lang ang staff na nakakita sa kanya at nagpatuloy sa pag-aayos nila ng dekorasyon. Wala na kami masiyadong trabaho kaya naman nakatambay kami sa breakroom. Marami na rin ang tumatambay sa breakroom dahil ilang minuto naman na ay magla-lunch break na at gaganapin na ang sendoff party.

"Tanda mo 'yon? 'Di ba naikwento ni sir Cedric na na-meet niya raw ulit unexpectedly ang first love niya?" Inalok sa akin ni Hannah ang cupcake na kinagatan niya, tinanggap ko naman ito at kumagat dito habang tumatango tango lang sa tanong niya. Trying to hide the fact that she's actually pertaining to me.

"Sarap siguro mahalin ng isang Cedric Fontanilla. Gwapo na, mayaman pa. Kapag ganyan naman ang naging boyfriend ko, aba'y pipikutin ko na talaga." Muntik na akong mabilaukan sa sinabi niya, buti na lang may plastic cup sa table at agad akong nakakuha ng tubig sa dispenser.

Maya-maya lang ay napuno na ang breakroom nang maglabasan na ang iba pang mga empleyado. Pumila sila upang kumuha ng pagkaing nakahain sa harap. Nang mag-settle na ang lahat ay nagsimula na ang mga host a.k.a. mga taga-HR sa nakaplanong programa nila para sa mini sendoff party. Nagsalita rin sa harap si Cedric upang batiin ang mga empleyado at magbigay ng magandang balita tungkol sa pagbubukas ng bagong site sa Bulacan area. Ibinalita niya rin ang iba't iba pang plano ng kumpanya na ikinasaya ng marami.

Pagkatapos niyang magsalita ay hinayaan na ang mga empleyado na magpatuloy sa kanilang pagkain. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin at nakita kong naglakad siya palayo ng breakroom, hindi ko na siya nakita nang lumiko na siya ng hallway pero may hinala ako kung saan siya pupunta. Nagpaalam ako saglit kay Hannah na kunwari ay magbabanyo ngunit naglakad ako patungo sa fire exit. At tulad nga ng hinala ko ay nandoon siya, nakaupo sa hagdan at nagsisindi ng sigarilyo.

"Ayaw mo makisalamuha pa sa mga empleyado mo bago ka man lang umalis?" tanong ko pagkaupo sa tabi niya. Nagulat siya saglit sa presensya ko ngunit ngumiti rin siya agad at inalok ako ng sigarilyo. Tinanggihan ko ito.

"Okay na 'yong speech ko. Wala na rin naman akong iba pang sasabihin," saad niya bago bumuga ng usok. "Kumusta ka?"

"Okay na hindi okay," sagot ko. Ipinatong ko ang mga kamay ko sa kandungan ko at ini-stretch ko ang legs ko sa harapan habang tinitingnan ko ang itim kong sapatos. May napansin akong dumi kaya inabot ko ito upang punasan.

"Paanong okay na hindi okay?" tanong niya. Ibinaba niya ang sigarilyo sa gilid niya at tumingin sa akin.

"Hindi pa rin kami nag-uusap ni Brian."

"Sana magkaayos na kayo," sinserong sabi niya.

"Sana," I said to myself more than to him. Napansin ko ang loose thread sa laylayan ng blouse ko kaya naman sinubukan kong tanggalin ito habang tinatanong siya, "mamaya na ang flight mo, 'no?"

"Yup, mamayang gabi," sagot niya bago ibinalik ulit sa labi ang sigarilyo.

"Kailan ang balik mo ulit dito?"

"Hindi ko pa alam, bahala na."

"Ingat ka."

Inabot niya ang laylayan ng damit ko nang mapansin ang struggle ko sa pagtanggal ng hanging thread. Tinanggal niya ito para sa akin at pinagmasdan namin nang hipan ng hangin ang natanggal na sinulid.

"Ingat ka rin."

Sinuklian ko ang ngiti niya at pinagmasdan ang maliwanag na kalangitan.

"Magre-resign na ako," sabi ko.

"Bakit?"

Nagkibit balikat ako. "Fresh start? Gusto ko munang ayusin ang gusot namin ni Brian at maipahinga ang isip ko. Sobrang nakakapagod ang mga nagdaang linggo."

"Sabagay, you definitely need a break. You've gone through a lot." Binitawan na niya ang sigarilyo, inapakan ito at saka tumayo. "I guess this is goodbye?"

Tumayo na rin ako at sa huling pagkakataon ay niyakap siya.

"Goodbye, Cedric."

After that day, I finally received a text from Brian asking to meet in Sweet Home, our favorite cake shop since the day we first met.

He wanted to break up with me and he's soon transferring to London for work. I felt like I was on life support and someone just took it out. It was so painful to breathe.