Valley Creek Package

*since your story comes in seventeen parts of actual writing, I'll be reviewing four at a time, coming to around four portions of review*

But first, the introduction and the trailer parts.

"INTRODUCTION"-"Trailer"
I was so relieved to find that your introduction was only one part. You don't even know. However, I was...less relieved when I kept scrolling and scrolling and scrolling...

Okay, that's an exaggeration. But still! I say this to almost everyone with an introductory part, and now I'm going to say it to you. Your readers have opened your story for multiple pieces of artwork and random quotes and dull copyright information. Right? No! Your readers have opened your story...for your story. It's "surprising" but true, and you'd better not disappoint potential readers with the daunting prospect of wading through your introductory part. Keep it brief is all I'm saying. I get how important copyright information can be to people, especially on completely public sites like Wattpad (even though literally no one is actually going to read it and abide by it; if they really wanted, they'd just copy your work anyway). But the quotes and the art? I feel like those can be easily dispersed all throughout your work (not including the banners and social media banner at the end). Readers won't get excited about things that are out of context unless they happen to be good quotes like the ones you included (as much as I enjoyed them, I still question their importance).

That was about a 200-word mouthful that I'm glad I got out of my system. Hopefully, you can get some of that unnecessary clutter out of your system, too! Let's move on to the trailer, which I'm sure will be brief and nice.

Nice trailer! I was very pleased until I saw the cast list. I groaned internally at the possibility of another 200-word rant about cast lists. If you've read some of my other reviews, then you know that cast lists are one of my pet peeves. It's not because I don't believe in face claims. It's because it makes you as an author look lazy. It removes the need to place character description in your story besides the ones needed to romanticize features of your characters (i.e. the classic crystal-blue eyes or chocolate-brown or sprout-green eyes with insane intensity and long eyelashes). It also strips away your reader's ability and freedom to imagine the characters however they interpret them (which is such a beautiful thing). I approve of cast lists using the cast list option that Wattpad has (it puts a cast list on the bottom of your chapter where readers can click on it and view your cast list if they want). That way, readers can choose to imagine the characters however they want (also, who's going to remember your cast list when it's only in one part? Probably not forgetful me). -1 for those things. Your total is negative one.

Wow, okay. Let's launch into the actual writing now, shall we?

Chapters 1-4
When I told you that italicizing specific thoughts was correct in PM, I didn't think that you meant...this. I apologize for assuming and telling you the wrong thing, but I think you may be having trouble discerning what counts as a specific thought when you're writing first-person point-of-view. So, let me explain.

Specific thoughts, like I told you in the inbox messages, are treated similarly to dialogue. Tag rules apply; it's just that thoughts are italicized and don't have quotation marks. This might help you in that thoughts are like the character is speaking to their own mind. Does that make sense?

You see, "I huffed mentally and physically" is not a specific thought because you wouldn't tell yourself that you huffed. This would be, rather, an example of your narrative voice—that's not italicized.

An example of a specific thought that you would italicize is, "A tear rolled down my face. This is bad, I thought. This is really bad."

Hopefully, you can tell the difference between narrative voice and specific thoughts from the example above. Do you see the difference, and do you see how specific thoughts are treated similarly to dialogue? Please shoot me a message or comment if you don't understand what I mean, because I want this corrected for you. I'm not going to take a point off because it was my fault for not realizing what you meant when you inboxed me before the review!

Aside from that, though, the first chapter was extremely intriguing with the burned face and the heated conversation with his mom who only tries to help. I liked it a lot. +1 for that and your total is zero.

Also: when you want to italicize in italics, don't use bold. Simply info the italics on it. For example, "I shuddered. I hate myself, I thought with rage."

Chapters 5-8
Hope's character is everything if not a touch cliché. But I love that despite her condition, she's the most confident of the two. I'm excited to see how you develop that confidence, however fake it may be on the outside.

It really took an hour and a half for just a few brief text messages? I don't think that's very realistic. That conversation, even with the "twenty minutes" of breaks taken to think and then type (which was a bit much, too), should have lasted a half hour at the maximum. Be realistic!

Hm. Let's talk dialogue. The general rule is that you have one paragraph for one character's lines and another for a different character's lines. Here's what I don't want to see:

"Here's a line of dialogue," said Tweeter.

"Here's another line, but it's still me, Tweeter!"

This will really confuse your reader as to who's speaking. Don't be afraid to do this:

"Here's a line," said Tweeter. "And another one can connect here!"

This makes it clear that one character is speaking the whole time. Now, when you have two characters speaking:

"Here's a line," said Tweeter to the author.

"Okay! I get it now!"

In this case, the line of "okay" is from the second character, the author, and now all from Tweeter. It's easy to understand, no? This is how your dialogue should be formatted. I'm going to take away a point for that, making your total a negative one.

Chapters 9-12
You've got to remember to capitalize names.

Don't you think it's a little unrealistic for Hope to be so angry at him just for covering his face? She of all people would be more understanding, I expected.

Chapter 11 was really nice save Hope's anger fallacy. Inspiring and nicely done! +1 and you're at zero.

And Chapter 12 had some really great lines. Good job, and +1 to make your total 1.

Chapters 13-17
Oh no! You used all-caps. AnjaliDedha5 ...no! Here's the thing. If you've read any of my reviews before, you might know how this is one my personal pet peeves. I feel like that are rare situations that could require all-caps, yes. But the situation of pain after getting bitten on the hand? No. Not necessary enough for me. You've got italics to help with emphasis, and if that's not enough, the entire English language is at your disposal to articulate the emphasis correctly. I stand by this.

The titles of books should be both capitalized and underlined. Things like "Star Wars" should be capitalized, as well.

Great ending lines to Chapter 15! Very cute. +1!

Make sure you're using conditional tenses instead of future tenses in Hope's story about her brother ("he decided he would" instead of "he decided he will").

You seem to be switching between past and future tense in places (like "this will be like this" in the middle of past tense). Make sure you're consistent. -1 and you're at zero.

What a great cliffhanger for me to end the review on! So sweet! +1.

One major overall comment is that your story centers around Hope and Hope and Hope a little too much for me. I would have liked it a lot more if you focused on the main character's development arc rather than just Hope and his relationship with Hope and Hope's backstory etc. etc. etc. You see what I mean. For instance, I mentioned liking the scene at the beginning with his mom. Well, we never see his home life again! I would love for you to develop that to show how Hope changes his behavior even when he's not around her or even when he's not necessarily thinking about her. Think about why you chose your main character to be the first-person point of view and make it important.

Another comment I have is that the relationship between Hope and the main character grew very deep very quickly, and not necessarily in a romantic way (at least, not at first). What I'm saying is that the perception that you gave your readers was that though the two had met and spoken for several days, they already say things like"she always support me in everything and she's always there for me no matter what." That's all well and good, but there hasn't been much for the friends to support each other in. Create some conflict outside of emotionalities and feelings! There's hardly any conflict going on their own self-doubts. Think outside the box. Conflict is what will drive your plot and your characters. It's important!

-1 for those two things.

Overall, AnjaliDedha5 got zero points! Your story reminds me so much of my first book published on Wattpad. It has a lot of good lines and a pretty okay backstory and character development, but it would need a lot of work to rewrite in my opinion. You have a fairly decent foundation, but there are some bad habits and mistakes of yours that need fixing (hopefully this review made you aware of some of those things)!