Aljhin Package

*since your story comes in 48 parts, I'll be reviewing six parts at a time, coming to eight portions of review*

Chapters 1–6
We're off to a good start. One thing: shouldn't "your highness" be "Your Highness"? "Your majesty" as "Your Majesty"? They are used as titles/names.

When you use dashes as an interrupter, you should use an em-dash (—). It's about the length of the letter 'm' (hence the name) and signifies the interrupter. Hyphens (-) are used for connective purposes. En-dashes (–) are used to signify a sort of distance (7–8, for example). Em-dashes are the interrupters. The keyboard you use—in whatever form it is—should have a shortcut by which you can type it. On my mobile keyboard, I only have to hold the hyphen down and select the em-dash. On my Apple computer, I hold Shift, Option, and the hyphen.

To finish off the first chapter, your writing is well-constructed and sophisticated. Reading further will reveal more of your style, so I'll be moving on to the second chapter.

This chapter, even just from the beginning paragraphs, used a lot of "self". "Herself", "themselves", "himself", etc. I wonder if there's a possibility of eliminating the repetition.

I mentioned the capitalization of royal addresses. You kept it lowercase pretty consistently, but I spot a few places where it is capitalized. Whether either is wrong or right, you should try to be consistent.

You tend to use similar words/phrases throughout chapters. The one I noticed in this chapter is "expression". Something really underrated in great writing is simply variety. Yours is decent, but things like that are something to improve upon.

Why would Gita not be required to wear a uniform? Who is she that she's allowed to wear what she wants in an army? Her description seems a bit abrupt.

If a character speaks and you need another paragraph for their dialogue (i.e. the thief at the temple's explanation), you don't need a last quotation mark in the first paragraph. Here's a template:

"I speak a paragraph.

"Look, it's the same person speaking another paragraph. Notice the missing quotation mark at the end of the first paragraph."

In Dashna's story itself, I was a bit confused by the mention of navigators confirming their position. People? The stars? I couldn't tell what you meant and how that would work if it is people. Keep in mind that although you've given us lots of information about your world and that some things are better to leave ambiguous, this was something that struck me as odd and a bit confusing.

During the battle, you say that the catapults "slammed" into the wall. There's some sort of red, sandy substance that explodes, I think? The visualization here for me personally is muddled. Are they actually ramming the catapult itself against the wall? If so, it seems like a waste of resources. Would it not damage the catapult? Would it not be too close for a catapult to launch anything? If it's a catapult designed differently or if there's a logical explanation, then a brief sentence about it would help. Furthermore, "projectile" is a bit vague. An exploding ball of powder? A stone, maybe? It's just a little hard to visualize.

Alchemists built the structure? Did you mean "architects"?

The question of whether or not the man went down without a sound seems unnecessary.

The transition to Gita could have been smoother—I think maybe even mentioning her earlier would have helped. Last chapter with Esfandar, Gita went to her own battalion (maybe I missed something?). So why would she never be far away? Maybe I wasn't reading closely enough. Either way, the transition to talk about her could be smoother and maybe adding her to the scene earlier might help.

That paragraph with Gita is also really isolated from the rest, which is exclusively in Esfandar's focused, fighting situation. She only gets one paragraph. Is she important enough to mention at all? If so, I think immersing her in the scene might be more effective and smooth.

Overall, Esfandar's war chapter was great! Some suggestions for improvement: pacing, world-building, and sentence variety. Pacing is the idea of fluctuating speed in writing, how sometimes you can write quickly and the writing goes faster and faster until you get overwhelmed and—it slows. Stretches. The same way that you can feel the speed and the slowing down in the last two sentences, pacing is a tool authors use to increase immersion that readers experience. This is something that would totally enhance the adrenaline-packed feel that you're going for in that war chapter! 

The world-building comment is primarily because of the chariots that have the extended blades. They caught me a bit off guard since they seem pretty advanced, but they only stuck out to me because nothing else about their technologies or how advanced their society is in terms of tech or mechanics has been talked about. The nobility live very lavishly, so that obviously says something, but the chariots were more explicit and that's why I'm saying something about them. 

Sentence variety is definitely something that all authors must be doing instinctively in their writing. Variety in structure, length, and phrasing are all things that you can think about and things that will aid you with that pacing. 

For accumulating things, I'm taking a point off. Your total is negative one.

Chapters 7–12
I spotted a tense error where you used the future tense ("will") instead of the conditional tense ("would").

I particularly enjoyed this chapter with Roshani and Homeira. But would the guards not check her for weapons before keeping her in the empress's chambers—before even bringing her into the palace at all? How would she get the knife? I wonder if it might make more sense for her to quickly lash out at a guard, unarm him, and take the blade. Just a thought.

Throughout your entire novel (as I've finished the piece by now and am adding more notes), one thing that I would definitely suggest taking a look at is the description of your characters. It seems like each time a new character is introduced or wearing something they normally don't, it's described in detail. However, what this does is it halts the plot for a moment, which slows things down. Readers can totally feel this "stop sign" in the story and, many times, it can get tedious and overwhelming. Furthermore, large character descriptions like this are also sometimes without purpose. Yes, now readers can visualize the character. But having the descriptions' purposes be meaningful and influential to the movement of the plot will take away that tediousness. Making it literary and having it contribute to the themes of your story will help. My advice is to be concise when you can, meaningful and moving to the plot when you can't. This is something really consistent in your story which leads me to believe that these descriptions are habit, which is why I'm saying something about it to you!

Bebak has a possible POV break at the end (Chapter 9).

For some reason, you put commas in unnecessary places and miss necessary commas. You miss commas between independent clauses and coordinating conjunctions sometimes ("I do this, and I walk to the store" is an example). You put commas between independent and dependent clauses that are rearranged in a way that the commas aren't needed ("I do this and walk over to the store"). This may not be a consistent error, but it's definitely something I thought was worth mentioning just in case it is.

It's been ten chapters, but I still don't really know what the daevas are. I understand that you likely intended this information to be learned through immersion in the story, and I'm glad you didn't choose to dump that information onto readers. However, I think knowing a tiny bit more about the daevas would heighten the empathy readers have for the characters and would make the stakes seem even higher.

Another point taken off for accumulating things in this portion. Your total in negative two.

Chapters 13–18
If "diamond-back" really is referring to a snake (which I suspect it is, and is similar to a diamondback rattlesnake), then why would it live in a swamp? If that's purposeful, then I think maybe the name "diamond-back" is throwing me off.

In Chapter 16, the "dream"—if it is meant to be a narration of the dream as Soraya dreams it, then I suggest putting all of it in italics. If it is mean to be a narration of the dream as Soraya tells it to the magi, then I have a hard time deciding if it should be in italics or not.

I love how both Esfandar and Roshani have rags-to-riches people in their love and that they both see those people differently. Nice contrast—I'm glad I caught it. I'm adding a point! Your total is negative one.

There's a repetition of "lithely" in this chapter.

Chapters 19–24
I enjoyed Soraya's chapter with the Great Fire immensely. Great job. Visceral and vibrant. Strong and yet so delicate. Nicely done.

The kiss between Esfandar and Gita was great. Another point added! Your total is zero.

Doesn't Esfandar know what the poison is? The wells were poisoned before and the poison identified as being from the diamond-back. It was even the same yellow color as before. Why would it be different (since he implies that he didn't know what was in the vial exactly)?

You're just doing a marvelous job with your characters. I root for all three; each sibling's chapter leaves me empathetic and desiring their success, and then the next sibling leaves me for them, and the next and the next. The political, social, economical, and emotional implications of actions and identity and image are so well-woven. I find myself reading more for fun than for review, which is a great sign. I'm adding another point, making your total one.

In Chapter 23, I think Kasra is mentioned to have brown eyes at one time and green eyes in another. Perhaps I misread, but I'm pretty sure I read it.

"Poison diamond-back venom" seems to be a bit of a tautology (Chapter 24). Also, I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but poison and venom are two different things. Poison must be ingested, while venom must be injected. Since venoms are basically just strings of proteins, they're typically digested just fine and are rendered harmless. They need to be injected into soft tissue or the bloodstream to work. Actually, some venoms have medicinal properties when ingested. If this is in fact venom from a snake (which I suspect "diamond-back" is a nod to the rattlesnake breed), then putting it in a well would do nothing besides maybe change the color (though typically venoms are clear). You'd need a botanical poison or a creature that when ingested kills the eater. Or just something to contaminate the water like something dead or sick. This seems to be a fallacy—it didn't impede with the comprehension as it took me a while to catch, but it definitely is something that will be worth fixing. For this in particular, I'm taking a point off. Your total is zero.

Chapters 25–30
Chapter 26 with Roshani has some small things. The beginning of the chapter says that Roshani went down with Kasra to get Katayoun's blessing. But Roshani never actually asked for it, instead offering to free Katayoun. Furthermore, Roshani doesn't seem as cautious as I'd imagine. Would she not warn Katayoun of the consequences if she were to step over any line set by Roshani? Would she not threaten her with what might happen if Katayoun overstepped any boundaries?

Soraya mimicking Dashna's movements during their training could be cleaner and less repetitive even if Soraya is doing the same thing as Dashna did.

I adored Esfandar and Gita's dynamic and their kiss. Well done. I smiled.

Look back at my suggestions on Chapter 16 for what I want to say about Roshani's dream, which is super interesting by the way.

Chapters 31–36
Roshani's relationship with Farrah being suddenly so friendly that she's the only one Roshani trusts seemed a bit sudden to me. I understand some time has passed, but readers didn't hear about them becoming friends and confidants—just inklings of the fact that maybe they could be friends if they wanted to.

Why would Goshtab come to Soraya's army camp in the middle of their march to Shiraz and not before while Soraya was already gathering troops?

Goshtab's description is a perfect example of what I was talking about earlier with the descriptions. 

Another general comment that I'm seeing throughout the entire piece is that adjectives that are modifying another adjective (compound adjectives) should have hyphens in between." It was a well-known thing."

The twist of Farah being a spy for Goshtab was a great development!

There's a tense error in this chapter (35) that I've spotted. Instead of "that's", it should be "that was".

Chapter 35 overall is full of monologue, which can get monotonous. I understand that this chapter serves to advance Gita and Esfandar's growing relationship, but plot-wise, it didn't do much and thus the monologue was a bit tedious even if it was a little interesting that expanded the characters.

For accumulating things, I'm taking a point off. Your total is negative one.

Chapters 37–42
Why would Shiraz's walls be made of malleable, soft bronze and not something like hard, stone bricks?

Looks like the end of Chapter 37 breaks POV by knowing what Parvana is thinking of since Soraya wouldn't know. She could assume or perceive what Parvana might be thinking, but she can't claim to know.

In Chapter 38, you use "you" in the narration. This is generally something looked down upon in the writing community as you're not actually speaking to the reader unlike I'm doing here in this review book. Rather, what you're trying to do is refer to someone in general, simply using "you" to represent that. I suggest using "one" or "anyone" or even the name of the character. Anything but "you" since it borderlines on breaking the fourth wall!

You say Parvana fell to her knees and then after you say she pretended to fall to her knees. It should just be one or the other or just rewording it to make it clear that when Parvana had "fallen", it was purposeful would be helpful.

The end of Chapter 38 was very well done!

When using "father" as a name, it should be capitalized. "The father". "Father".

There seems to be a repetition of Esfandar's birth story (born on a monsoon day, so small and weak, survived somehow) in the same paragraph in Soraya's chapter.

I thought that Esfandar was the eldest child, not Roshani (I'm referring to Chapter 41). Earlier, when Soraya takes the forbidden book and Esfandar shows mercy, I thought the text said that Esfandar was three years older than Soraya while Roshani was only two years older. This story about the past empresses seems to contradict that. I also think there was mention of Esfandar fighting for the throne because of his birthright?

Nice movement of plot at the end of that chapter!

In Chapter 42, we've already met Babak. I feel no need to say "a man named Babak" again.

Since "sire" is used as a name, it should be capitalized in that context.

Awesome twist at the end of Chapter 42!

There were a lot of great things going on in this portion of the review. I'm adding a point! Your total is zero.

Chapters 43–Images

Awesome twist at the end of Chapter 45, too!

And 45! 

You'll be happy to know that I plowed through the rest all the way to the end of book one! I really enjoyed it. I'm adding another point.

Overall, PaintingtheRosesRed got 1 point! The biggest thing is truly those info-dumps, particularly the monologues and the character descriptions. I highly suggest moving the plot all the while those are going on if you really want to keep them (though I do recommend cutting lots since many seem unnecessary). At least having the characters do something with their physical attributes would help, if not cutting down a lot and adding purpose in either the literary aspect or the plot aspect. Another thing I haven't addressed yet is Dashna. I saw someone else comment about this subject, but I really do think Dashna's motivations should be thought through if not changed in the slightest. Her passion for the salvation of her people and her desire to defeat the daevas are so strong that her just abandoning all of that was questionable in my eyes, especially the fact that her passions and desires are averted to being devotedly loyal to Soraya at all times. The complete abandonment, I think, is what really threw me off. Moreover, the subplot of the daevas was a little cut-off, I believe. It was such a big deal in the beginning and then everyone decided to ignore the issue (which is understandable, but the way it was played out as in the beginning as the true war to be fought made it sound more important than it actually was for this book). I think making the daevas less of a focus will make things a bit more realistic (I wonder if cutting Soraya seeing the proof might be useful? Not sure on that one). You could even focus less on the daevas in the beginning and more towards the end for a kind of foreshadowing. Either way, I think Dashna's character may have to be compromised a bit.

I actually quite enjoyed this story. I haven't done a review in a while where I read things so quickly because I was enjoying it so much! If you'd ever like a beta-read, I'd be happy to do it. "Imperial" has a lot of untapped potential, and if you do ever get around to that sequel, I'll definitely be adding it to my library. You kept me interested and wanting more. Keep up the good work!