Author : _ann_therese_

Reviewer : Sam_Frazier

• COVER : 9/10

Well, surely catches a reader's eye, text and background were also executed very well, but... Are you sure it fits the mood and vibe? You know, as it's a murder mystery as the main conflict or plot.
Still, kudos to you on the efforts.

• TITLE : 9/10

Immediately hinted at something diverse, is unique, fits the plot, but I wouldn't call it powerful enough to grab a reader's eye. But still, you don't need to change it as it fits the plot quite well.

• BLURB : 7/10

Well, the content is great, but some of the sentences were phrased wrongly, giving your readers a bad impression of the story.

I'll show how to do it,

"Do you recognize who is the key to your happiness?"

Firstly, grammar in here sounds terribly wrong, and what does it mean anyway, or at least, what were you trying to make it sound like? I'm not sure as I didn't get the meaning because of the wrong phrasing of the sentence.

Second para, again the phrasing here is wrong.

There are too many run-on sentences, so try rephrasing them.
Also, break it into half as readers are more likely to read the blurb if the paras are short and catchy.

I won't type out the whole blurb, instead I'll just suggest the order of info to be given.

Firstly, start with an introduction to Sam, but at the same time, mention the meeting of Charles too.

Next, introduce the conflict of story, which in this case, is the murder.

Third, tell us what is at stake which makes it even more necessary for the characters to overcome the conflict.

Last, end with a little piece of info as to how this conflict can cost the character, or in simple terms, a killer ending.

• PLOT : 11/15

Well, plot is going great so far, and I like how it's progressing. However, I do feel that the first scene, which was the murderer killing the 15-year-old, is a little unnecessary. Because as far as I've noticed, there's nothing which gives us a lead in the case, or a clue of some sort, maybe even his psychological state of mind at that time, anything to do with the plot. Yes, he was murdered, but eventually the same thing the news reporters were going to say, so what's the point?
You can keep the scene, but try giving a little more info, like maybe... He was in a fight with his family? Maybe he had some special plans for the day? Anything? It's just to hook your readers, and to create sympathy towards him.

Tho, I would suggest you include the murder plot more often, it spices things up, and makes it more interesting.

• CREATIVITY : 9/10

Well oh well, creativity truly flows in your veins and hats off to the imaginative descriptions of historical places.

• CHARACTERS : 7/10

They all have relatable aspects, but some times it doesn't always have that effect if you don't 'show' what affects the character.

Their joys and sadness, their strength and fears, all of it, demands to be felt by your readers as if it's happening to them, only then will your characters be awesome.

For example, the time when Charles was scared of giant wheels and rides like that? You 'told' us what was happening, but that won't work, you need to 'show' what happened, use references and metaphors to describe his situation.

"At the mention of an amusement park, Charles visibly gulped. Fear and uneasiness was clearly visible on his face, even though he tried his best to hide it.

With twitchy eyes and fiddly hands, he somewhat courageously uttered out a weak, 'yes' to Sam as they both agreed to go for the ride."

This is kind of a made-up scene, but just so that you get my point. You can write anything, but make sure you describe more body language.

As for Sam, I would recommend the same.

Also, don't limit yourself to just two characters. What I mean is, other characters like side-kicks, obstacles, antagonist, etc. must also be there at least once in a chapter.

I sort of feel that there's just two important characters, others are just for the sake of having someone.

• GRAMMAR : 10/15

Warning: This is going to be written by a totally selfish grammar nazi who doesn't think of anything that might sugarcoat this any bit. You have been warned.

Tense: For majority of the story has been written in past tense, I suggest you stick with it. There were constant shifts to present tense which is not acceptable one bit. Edit em, replace the present tensed words with past ones.

Then there were use of non-existent words, like, 'peoples'. What does it mean even? This is not the only one, there were a few others too, so I suggest you ask someone you trust to point those words out for you.

And then, the 'no past tense words in the same sentence' rule.

For example, 'Did he just friend-zoned me?'

The second time you used a past tense form for the word, it sounded wrong.

Also, there's something I noticed, the news reports, don't sound like news reports, instead it sounds like a lady talking about the latest gossip.

The use of business-like vocabulary was missing, it sounded very casual, which is something I would totally despise while hearing a news reporter.

I would totally suggest you pay close attention to how famous news channels like, BBC, CNN, Wion, etc narrate. Take note of the new words used there and try applying that to your writing style too.

There were other minor errors, but no biggie, they can be fixed through proof reading properly.

• COMMUNICATION : 3/5
(With Readers)

• OVERALL IMPRESSION : 12/15

All the errors and stuff aside, I loved so freaking much. Yes, there were a couple of mistakes, but most likely readers would overlook it as the content was just awesome.

• TOTAL : 77/100

Personally, it was a lovely read for me!