The week was filled with days in the courtroom and nights on the roof with Hayden. By the end of the week I finally agreed to see a therapist. Well ok Judge Taylor and Mr. Dawson are basically making me talk to someone. Apparently when someone goes through some dramatic ordeal they think you should talk it out maybe it will help in some way or another. If it was up to me I would rather stay home doing my own thing but anyway I agreed to it. I don't really know why, I guess a part of me was hoping if I did maybe the trial would hurry along and I can get on with my life, with my family.

So I agreed to see someone, but I requested to see a woman, no way in hell I would ever be left alone in a room with a guy. Not unless it was Hayden, but I trusted him; he was different.

Mrs. Shaw drops me off at exactly three o'clock. She stated that she would wait out in the car for me. When I walk in to the waiting room, I walk up to the desk and tell her my name. She in return hands me paper work to fill out. Really a freaking questionnaire about how I feel about this and how I feel about that. Did I want to hurt myself? Do you have thoughts about not living? The questions went on and on. There were like fifty or so, it feels like I was taking a freaking test or something. By the time I finish she calls my name to come back to the office.

When I enter the office there is a tall slender woman standing by the desk and when she turns her curls bounce along her shoulders. She hold out her hand to greet me.

"Hello Star, I am Dr. Gilbert, Samantha Gilbert. You can call me Sam if you want." She gestures for me to sit down. "Please come in and have a seat."

There are two chairs by the desk and then a small blue sofa with pillows by the bookshelf. I look back and forth trying to figure out where she wants me to sit.

"Please sit, you can sit wherever makes you feel more comfortable." Her tone softens and sounds so sincere.

I pick the sofa, because it looks more comfortable. I kick off my shoes and sit with my feet curled up under me.

She taps the questionnaire that I filled out and states, "I have a lot of information on you already from Mr. Dawson and thanks for taking the time out to fill out the questions it will help us determine what to do."

"What to do about what?"

"Well if we feel the need for any medication or what not."

"Ok, but I'm really not planning on taking any kind of meds."

"If they helped in anyway would you be willing to try?"

"Honestly no, my mom was a druggy and there is no way that I want to do that, to take things to numb the pain."

"Alrighty then, let's try to talk then."

"About what? Honestly I really did not even want to come but they said I had to so that is the only reason why I am here."

She looks around the room as if trying to figure out what to say, then she says, "Star, would you like to play a game with me?"

"A game really, I thought this was to be therapy you know where we talk."

"Well we will talk, let's play Candyland." And she reach up and takes it down off of the shelf. "I know it's a game for little kids but I have a twist to it. See each color represents a type of question. It's just so we can get to know each other. I'll tell you things about me and you will tell me things about you. So you want to try?"

"Sure why not!"

"Ok so here's the chart of the colors and what we will talk about it."

She places a chart on the small table by the sofa.

Red- Anger- Talk about a time that made you angry.

Orange- Embarrassed- Talk about a time that made you felt embarrassed

Yellow- Happy- Talk about a happy moment

Green- Anxious or scared- Talk about a time that was scary or made you anxious

Blue- Sad- Talk about a time you felt sad

Purple- Loved- Talk about a time you felt loved

Pink- Special Day- Talk about a special day that you have experienced

"If you get one color square we talk about the past, two colors we talk about things happening now."

She let me go first, I flip the first card over and say, "One purple" I move my little blue man to the purple space. I think for a few minutes before saying anything. "I felt loved when my dad would sit with me at night and looked up at the stars with me."

Sam goes, and then I flip another card. "Two pinks; well that's an easy one the other day the Shaws, the family that I am staying with planned a birthday surprise party for my brother and we all got to see each other. It was an awesome day."

"Sounded like you had a lot of fun, that was nice of them."

"Yeah it was really nice of them." I go to turn another card this time it is one blue square. I had so many sad days in the past; it was hard to choose which one to tell her about. But then I blurt out, "There were so many sad days then, back with my mom. I guess one of the saddest days is the day my dad left. I thought he would take us with him but he didn't he left us there with her."

We go back and forth several times and I don't realize how easy she gets me to talk with her as if she was like a really good friend. She never makes a  comment on how I should feel or make any judgment against me.

When I flip the card with the one green square, the only thing that comes to my mind is Jackson.

"Star...was there a time you were ever scared living with your mom?"

I take a deep breath then exhale before saying yes. "Yes, a lot of times actually. If it wasn't thinking my momma died for an over dose it was Jackson when he came to my room late at night."

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not really." I say at first while rolling my eyes at her. "Okay fine, the first time I guess was super scary because I didn't know what he wanted from me. His hands were so eager and rough on me and touching me where no one was supposed to touch."

"You didn't tell your mom or anyone?"

"No, he said no one would believe a little shit like me and if I did say anything he said he would punish me. I thought he was already punishing me for something so I stayed quiet."

She flips over a card and then it is my turn again, this time two reds. "When momma called me a bitch." She gave me a look. "Sorry but she said it in front of everyone. I was so angry at her but more angry that she didn't believe me."

One orange-"I was embarrassed at school for always wearing the same dirty clothes everyday and most days I was dirty as all get out."

Two purples- "Awe, well recently I felt immensely in love. I got my fist kiss the other night...it was amazing."

Another green-"I don't like the green cards."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't like talking about him."

"Who Jackson?"

"Yeah"

"Star, did he ever go farther than just touching you?"

I nodded my head.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"I know I really don't, however I know that is why I am here. It happened so often that when he came to my room my body went stiff and numb and my mind went somewhere else, like I wasn't even there you know."

She keeps quite, so I continue talking. "It was either me or them. I was older and there was no way I would ever let him touch them like that, not like the way he touched me."

"Do you want to talk about that night, the last night?"

"I remember pushing the dresser against my door; I just wanted to be left alone." I pause for a second. "Jackson had been drinking already that night and I seen him and my momma passed out on their bed. I thought he would stay passed out for the night but I guess I was wrong. I was asleep when I heard banging at my door and then he was yelling. It happened so fast; I jumped out of my bed and moved the dresser because he had threatened to go to Dawn's room."

I close my eyes and my mind flashes back to that night. "He was in the room before I even moved the dresser all the way, with a belt already in his hand. He came after me, whipping it against the back of my legs and my back. I remember screaming for him to stop, but he kept on and on. I have never cried out before, not like that anyway and I guess Storm heard me yelling because the next thing I know he is in the room trying to push Jackson off of me. But Jackson slapped him so hard he fumbled over. Jackson was already unzipping his pants and had thrown me on the bed and was getting ready to force himself on me when the door opened back up. I heard Storm yelling at him to get off of me or he would shoot him. But then it was like everything went black."

"It was like I was in that place lost in my mind, zoned out from reality. I don't know what happened after that. Later I had come too and Jackson was lying beside me in a pool of blood. At first I thought it was mine but then I realized it was all his. Storm was in the far corner of my room sitting with his head between his legs praying over and over. I seen the gun still in his hands and they were shaking with fear or anger. "

"He was just protecting me. He did the only thing that he could to make Jackson stop hurting me." Oh my god did I just tell her everything, what the hell she is a complete stranger. Oh no, is she going to tell them the truth. I look up at her waiting for a response.

"Sounds like Storm did what he had to do to protect you."

"Yeah, it's just he is so young and now having to deal with this. I can't let him go to jail for this, not for protecting me. I will do what I have to, if I have to go to jail I will I can handle it."

"Star I can't tell you what to do, and of course I'm not allowed to talk about this to anyone with the patient confidentiality, HIPPA laws however I think you need to tell the judge, the jury and I have a feeling they will rule it as self defense."

I shake my head no. I think I'm just too scared to face the reality of the whole situation.

"Look this trial has been going on for a good while now right, tell them the truth about all of it and move on with your life."

"I know, I know, the thing is I don't know what all Storm saw that night and bringing all this up makes me cringe. I don't want Storm to know about Jackson and me; he doesn't need to know what happened on a daily basis it will kill him to know."

"I know but Star have you even talked to him at all about that night."

"No" I shake my head again. "Well it's kinda hard when they won't even let us see each other."

"Maybe you should try talking with him, it's worth a shot."

"Yeah, maybe you're right."

"Look I hate that our hour is up, in the mean time I want to give you this." She hands me a journal. On the cover is a phrase scribbled in gold, 'Conquer your fears!' Well that's a little ironic-don't ya think. "Write it, let it all out...this is for you and only you alright, you don't have to share it with anyone not unless you just want to."

"Thanks."

When I leave her office, Mrs. Shaw is waiting out in the parking lot. I get in the passage side.

"Well, how did it go?"

"Alright I guess."

She looks at my hands and notices the book. "What do you have there?"

"Oh, Sam, I mean Dr. Gilbert gave me a journal to write in said it might help."

"Alright then....so what do you feel like eating tonight?"

I think for a few seconds and shrug my shoulders. "What about burgers and fries?"

"Sure sounds delicious, we will pick up on the way home."