Trigger warning: mention of self harm, attempting suicide and suicidal thoughts.

Songs to listen to this chapter:

Not About Angels - Birdy

Harry's perspective.

The shrill beeping of a machine wakes my mind from the deep sleep I was trapped in. With each beep feeling like it's shoving a needle further and further into my brain. I wince at the throbbing pain my head is going through.

"He's waking up..." I hear a voice whisper quietly.

Where the fuck am I? Where the fuck is this annoying beeping coming from?

I peel my eyes open which feels like a harder job than what it should be. The light from the room hits my eyes, causing me to close my eyes again from how bright it is.

"Harry?" Lexi's angelic voice wakes me as if a bucket of cold water has just been thrown over my body.

I open my eyes again, being able to take in my surroundings this time. My eyes move from Lexi who is standing by my feet, to the drip in my arm, to Louis and Niall sat in chairs next to me, to the stitches in my arm and then back to Lexi.

I'm in the hospital?

"Where—I... What happened?" So many questions are flashing through my mind filled with confusion.

"What was the last thing you remember?" Lexi asks softly, her arms crossed over her chest with her hands stroking her upper arms.

I try and think to the last thing that I can remember. Work. I went to work and Zayn was there. I hit Zayn and Zayn hit me. I was in the office and then King came in. He came in to tell me about my mum. About how she had killed herself... I remember going home drunk, fighting with Lexi. I cringe at the things I remember yelling at her. I remember she left, I started drinking Vodka. And then she came back? Yeah, she did. I pushed her away and then... Then I went into the bathroom with drugs, painkillers and a knife.

It's a few minutes of silence before I reply, "I remember." Is all I say. There's nothing else I can say.

"How long have I been here?" I ask, looking between Lexi, Niall and Louis.

"Two days." Lexi replies sternly. "The three of us haven't left this room in two days." Her voice breaking in some of her words.

Louis stands up, walking up to Lexi. He holds her upper arms before speaking, "Go and get a coffee." He nods at the end of his reply, Lexi takes a deep breath before nodding herself. She turns on her feet, leaving the room without a word and without looking at me.

"What the fuck was that?" I ask, not being able to hide my jealousy.

"That was me being there for her as a friend, Harry. It's been a fucking nightmare the past two days; you don't even know the half of it. What were you thinking?" Louis rants, walking up and sitting at the end of the hospital bed.

I go to move my hair out of my face like what I always do when I'm nervous but my eyes catch the lines of stitched cuts that are on the inside of my right arm. "I just wanted all the pain to end." I reply, my eyes not leaving the cuts on my arm. The memory of cutting the blade through my skin flashes through my mind.

"I understand that, you didn't have to end your life to achieve that." Louis answers, staring at his hands resting in his lap.

"We thought you weren't going to make it Harry." Niall speaks up as he stands up from his seated position. "You looked like a ghost man; I've never been so scared." His voice wavers near the end.

"I don't know what to say." I whisper, staring at Niall.

"We don't want you to feel bad Harry, we're not trying to guilt trip you. We want you to get help, we were so close to losing you and that just doesn't sit right with me. It never should have gotten to the point that you started using drugs again and tried killing yourself." Louis stops his rant to clear his throat. "Harry, I thought you knew that you could talk to me." He shakes his head while a single tear falls down his face.

Lexi walks back into the room; Louis wipes the tear away from his face with the back of his hand while standing up. "We'll leave you two to talk..." Louis announces, still not looking me in the eye before him and Niall leave the room.

It's just Lexi and I now. She is standing by the end of the bed, analysing the coffee cup in her hand to avoid eye contact with me. "Baby?" I call, hoping she will look at me.

"Hm?" She replies with her lips tucked into her mouth, still fidgeting with the coffee cup.

"You okay?" I ask, not really knowing how to break her from this distance she has made between us.

"I'm fine. Just dandy actually. Couldn't be better..." She replies sarcastically.

"Please c'mere." I pat the bed next to me, sliding over so that she has space.

She breaths in and out slowly before looking up to make eye contact with me. "I don't want to cry. All I ever do is cry. And if I come and sit next to you, I'm going to cry." She explains softly, her eyes glossing over.

"You're allowed to cry sweet girl. You're allowed to show your emotions, you're human. I'll be right there to wipe every tear away, baby." She sniffs loudly, tears cracking through the surface, finally racing down her face.

She walks over to the bed, placing the coffee cup on the side table. She gently climbs into the bed, careful not to pull any wires or tubes. I lay my arm down, inviting her to lie next to me. She lies her head on my chest, small sobs coming from her mouth as she lets go of the emotions she was clinging to.

"Shhhh, I'm okay." I coo, pressing small kisses to her hair line.

"I thought—I thought you were going to die." She cries, her whole body shaking.

"I'm so sorry angel. I wasn't thinking straight. I'm sorry you had to see that."

"You said you wouldn't leave me..." She says through trying to catch her breath.

My heart feels like the realisation of her words have stabbed me directly in the centre before slicing downwards. "I won't break my promise ever again. I'm not going anywhere, Lexi."

"I'm so relieved that you're okay. Seeing you wake up felt like a gift from heaven." She whispers against my chest, her crying starting to calm down.

"I don't know about that; you seemed a little mad at me. Thought you were flirting with Louis." I joke, trying to break the tension slightly.

She giggles at my answer, causing me to smile at the beautiful sound. "You thought I was flirting with Louis?" She asks, I nod in response. "Look at you being the jealous one..."

My free hand starts stroking down her arm until I reach her hand, only noticing then that it is bandaged. "What happened to your hand?" I ask, lifting her wrist to elevate her hand causing her to flinch with pain.

"It's nothing—"

"Did I hurt you?" I start to panic knowing that I would never forgive myself if I hurt her.

"No, no. Don't worry about it."

"You have five seconds to tell me before I climb out of this bed and find out from Louis what happened." I warn. "Five—"

"I punched Zayn in the face."

It takes a second for me to process the information before I begin laughing. "You punched Zayn?" I ask to clarify, laughing through my words.

"Punched his nose and then kicked his shin to be exact." Lexi explains, starting to laugh with me.

"Why did you punch him?" I swear to god, I will kill him if I have to.

"Just said something about you that was disrespectful and I kind of lost it." She emphasises 'kind' by pinching her fingers in the air.

"You're perfect." I kiss her forehead. My girl was defending me. I feel so much adoration for her. I wish I could express to her how much I care about her.

"Lexi, I—"

Niall interrupts me before I can say anything else to Lexi, Louis bounding in behind him. "Styles, doctor said we can leave. Going to transfer you to the hospital at home." Niall insinuates, obviously meaning the compound when he refers to 'home'.

"Let's pack up your shit Haz, we'll sort everything out later." Louis adds, giving me a small closed lipped smile. I know he's referring to getting help and shit like that but I don't know how to feel about that. I just had a moment of weakness; it's concerning that it happened during the happiest time of my life which is because of Lexi. But all in all, it's just a moment of weakness, I'll be fine. I'm annoyed that I'm going to have new scars on my arm that I'll have to cover up but I'll get to that at a later stage.

"Did Lex tell you about how she clocked Zaynie?" Niall asks me, interrupting my mental planning.

"She did." I smile proudly.

"Ya should have seen it Haz... She was all like wham and then whack! And next thing we knew, he was on the floor begging for his life!" Niall explains the story, showing karate moves with his sound effects. Lexi hides her head in my chest, giggling at Niall's dramatics.

"He was not!" Lexi's muffled voice giggles.

Niall winks at me, sending me the hint that he was just trying to make Lexi laugh which clearly worked. I'll need to thank him and Louis for being there for Lexi when I couldn't.

"And don't forget about when she pulled out a gun and shot him in the foot!" Louis adds, obviously joking which only makes Lexi laugh even more against my chest.

As I sit and watch quietly as my two best friends continue joking with Lexi, she is now sitting with her legs crossed, laughing so much that there are happy tears in her eyes. Niall and Louis doing some Irish dance around the room with their elbows locked together. I admire how naturally beautiful she is without even trying.

Happiness looks so perfect on her.

I focus on Niall and Louis. We've been through so much together. We have so much more that we need to do but I know we'll be able to get through it together.

I look at the situation in front of me and I can't even understand all the reasons that I had when I made the decision to end my life.

I know that the next few weeks aren't going to be easy. Grief. As much as I hated my mum, grief is something I need to work through to be able to move forward. Withdrawal. I know within the next few days; the withdrawal is going to start hitting me hard. The shaking in my hands and the headache tells me that the small symptoms have already begun. Lexi. I am going to build her trust back up again. I broke a promise to her, I will never do that again. She deserves better than that.

I zone back into the conversation, "What you going to do, punch me too?" Niall taunts Lexi, sticking his tongue out, letting the childish side of him show.

"Actually, I have something better than Cara was kind enough to share with me." Lexi taunts, slowly climbing off the bed.

"And what was that?" Niall asks, fear written across his face.

"I heard that you're..." Lexi starts, taking slow steps towards Niall who is trying to act like he isn't nervous. "Ticklish!" Lexi sprints towards Niall, Niall's eyes go wide and a small scream comes from him before he is running as fast as he can out of the hospital room.

Niall unfortunately has the weakness of being ticklish on any part of his body. We're not allowed to talk about it or tell anyone but obviously Cara was the one to spill the secret so Louis and I are safe.

While Lexi and Niall probably chase each other around the entire hospital building, Louis finishes packing everything that is mine in the room.

"Let's get you home Haz."

Home. That's wherever my Lexi is.

Authors note:

Please know that help is always out there. Suicide is never the option.

My messages are always open, you are never alone.

Thank you all so much for 12K. I feel like i'm thanking you for a new milestone every chapter and it means the world to me.

I love you. See you in the next one!

~Jess💜