Massive trigger warning for the next chapter. Please do not read if topics of suicide attempts, self-harm or sexual assault trigger or make you uncomfortable. Buckle up... I'm not going to lie, we're in for a sad one besties!

Songs to listen to while reading:

Deep End – Holly Humberstone

Did You Ever Hurt for Me? – Jess Benko

Not About Angels - Birdy

I ball my hands into fists to try and stop the shaking in my hands. I'm fine.

I've been pacing in the lounge for three hours since Harry left. I'm fine.

I keep taking in short and shaky breaths since that's all the air that my lungs seem to be allowing. I'm fine.

Five years ago.

Five years ago, my life completely changed for the worse.

Why am I not over this shit? Why do I always get affected by it on the anniversary date? Why am I like this?

I stop in my tracks, staring at the stairs. Debating what my next move is. This year, I'm handling it a lot worse than what I normally do.

My mind starts flipping through new and old memories like an old video flipping through a film roll. I think about David. I think about the incident. I think about what happened after. I then think about Liam and what happened with him. I think about being held at gun point.

It's almost as if everything has been building up in the form of a water droplet, now at the size where it travels down the leaf. Now hanging on the edge, the water droplet falls and splatters on the ground, just like my composure.

I fall to my knees and whimper, grabbing my hair at the roots and pulling.

Everything flashed into my head at once, bouncing around my head like balloons that have been blown up and let go before they could be tied. It feels like there isn't enough space for all of the traumatic memories and my head is going to burst from the overload.

I know what I need to do.

I stand up emotionlessly and make my way up the stairs, into my bedroom and follow through to the bathroom where I stand staring at the mirror above the sink. I cover my face with my hands, the memories begin replaying in my head again. I can even smell the overwhelming stench of cigarettes fill my senses. I snap my eyes open; I know what I need to do.

Reaching onto the mirror and prying it open to reveal the storage cabinet behind. My eyes fall to the object that I know will help me. The kind of object I haven't touched in years but in this moment, I don't know how else to stop the thoughts.

I pick up the cheap razor that Angela bought for me to use to shave my legs. I throw it with all my strength at the floor, causing the razor to break into pieces. I stand with my feet frozen to the spot. Staring at the two blades fanned together on the floor underneath the broken plastic that held the blades together.

I feel numb at this point, bending down and picking up one of the blades staring at it like it's a piece of art. I haven't held one of these in almost three years and I'm about to throw all of that progress down the drain, is it worth it?

David, incident, Liam, gun.

It's worth it.

I hold the blade in my right hand between my thumb and pointer finger, holding my left arm out so that my forearm is facing upwards. My eyes trace over the scars that are already there, thin white lines layered, some thicker than others. My arm feeling bumpy when I run my finger across the tainted skin.

My hand with the blade moving closer to my left wrist, hovering over the skin by an inch. A massive flood of adrenaline shoots through me, flowing through my body like a drug causing my heart to thump quickly in my chest.

I move the blade so it rests gently on the skin on my upper wrist, not breaking the skin yet since I haven't applied pressure.

"Lexi?"

My heart drops into my stomach at the sound of Harry's voice, I cautiously move my eyes from my wrist to the bathroom entrance where Harry is standing. His mouth is gaping open, his eyes wide with fright as his eyes stay on the blade that is still pressed to my wrist.

He takes a small step towards me, "What you doing, baby?" His voice is a soft whisper.

"I—I can't take the thoughts in my head. If I do this then they'll stop, I need them to stop Harry." I explain, my voice wavering. I don't even know the exact emotions I'm feeling in this moment. Anger, sadness, confusion?

"Okay, sweet girl. I understand..." He begins, taking small steps towards me. He looks really scared, why is he scared? "How about we talk about this, hm? You and I... we can talk. Just please don't hurt yourself." He pleads, now standing toe to toe with me.

"I'm just going to take that and put it down okay?" He whispers, his eyes still on the blade. I don't reply, I just stare at his face. He's so beautiful, why does he care if I hurt myself? He took my moment of distraction as an advantage to remove the blade from my grasp, picking the one from the floor up as well. He walks over to the toilet, throwing them in and flushing the chain.

He turns around, his eyes turning soft, glossing over as he looks over my face. "What happened Lexi?"

That's all it takes.

That's all it takes for me to break down completely.

A sob cracks through my chest, tears falling down my cheeks instantly. I stumble on my feet but Harry rushes forwards and grabs my arms to stop me from falling. "Oh baby..." He mutters, wrapping his arm around my shoulders while holding my head with the other arm so my head is pressed to his chest.

I cry. I cry so hard that I'm wailing. I know what emotion I'm feeling now.

I'm hurt.

And god, does it hurt so bad.

Harry slowly guides our bodies down so that we sit on the floor of the bathroom, his back pressed against the shower glass while I sit curled up in his lap with my head on his shoulder. He rocks my body in side-to-side motions, whispering sweet nothings into my ear but my crying doesn't ease. I haven't cried this much since this day, five years ago.

"Lexi, baby. I need you to talk to me. I need you to tell me what happened, I can't help you if I don't know what happened." Harry whispers softly, in between soft kisses on my head.

I hiccup, "I can't..." I sob, I can't tell him. "You'll end up thinking like them or—or you'll end up hating me when you find out. I can't handle you hating me Harry." I mutter, my shoulders shaking as I continue to cry.

"Shhhhh, no my sweet Lexi." He coos, kissing my head three times before he begins speaking again. "I could never hate you, no matter what. Okay? I feel so helpless, please speak to me. You need to speak about it..." He begs.

I sniffle a few times and manoeuvre my body so that I'm in a more comfortable position with my head tucked into his neck. I don't want to see his reaction when I tell him. "My ex-boyfriend..." I begin, my voice croaking from crying. Harry holds his arms more securely around my body.

Here goes everything.

"His name was David."

Flashback to five years ago...

I hear three knocks on the front door, I throw my phone down on my bed and skip down the stairs. I jog past the kitchen and to the front door, turning the door handle and swinging the door open.

"David?" I ask, confused with why he is standing on the door step, holding a cigarette this early in the morning when we are supposed to be at school in two hours.

David and I have been together for just over a year now. I love him, I do. He just upsets me sometimes when we fight but all couples fight. That's what they always say, it's healthy when couples fight. I'm just sensitive, that's all.

"Are your parent's home?" He blurts with a bored look on his face.

"No, they both left for work half an hour ago. Why—" I'm interrupted by David pushing me backwards into my house, closing the door behind him.

"Thought we could have some fun..." He starts, taking one last puff of his cigarette before putting it out in the large pot plant we have placed by the front door. My mom will be upset with me if she sees that, I'll have to remember to throw it away when he leaves. His hands grab my waist, shoving my body towards his causing my body to slam into his with a thud. He begins sucking pieces of my skin on my neck quickly before moving to the other side to do the same. He smells strongly like cigarettes and I really don't like the smell.

"Can we not wait until after school—" I start.

"God, you're so annoying. Just be spontaneous for once." He snaps, grabbing my hand and dragging me behind him up the stairs and into my bedroom. "Go on." He ushers me to lie down on the bed.

"I'm really not in the mood David..." I mutter while crossing my arms over my chest, scared for his reaction.

"Well, get in the mood then." He demands, kicking his pants off and throwing his shirt into a pile of clothing next to my bed.

He climbs on top of me, kissing my neck for a few more seconds before pulling my leggings down with my underwear.

"David no—" I begin.

"We're dating Alexandria. Couples have sex when they date. If we aren't going to have sex then why are we dating?" He yells, frowning at me. I stare into his dark brown eyes, I love him. I have to do this or I'll lose him.

I run my fingers through his short brown hair, "Okay." I whisper before climbing onto the bed backwards.

His eyes scan over my body that is laying under him, "Have you been eating the salads I told you to? Your thighs still have cellulite on them. You know I don't like fat girls, Alexandria..." I don't respond, he's right. I need to focus on my eating more.

He moves his hand down my stomach to reach the place he wants the most. "Why aren't you wet?" He scoffs, offended that my body hasn't responded to him. "Are you not attracted to me? Am I ugly or something?" He sounds hurt; I don't want to hurt him.

"No! No... It's because I started the pill remember?" I murmur. That must be the reason, right? "Do you have a condom or?" I change the subject.

"No, I don't like wearing them remember?"

"But I don't like not using one..." I whisper, staring at the ceiling.

"You'll be fine, I'll pull out like always." This always happens and then I end up being anxious that I'm pregnant.

He shifts further up so his elbows are resting by my shoulders and his head is level with my own. He gives me a quick kiss on my lips while throwing the blanket over us before running his hand to my lower region.

All I can taste and smell is cigarettes, it's the smell that reminds me of him the most. It's suffocating.

We always have to have a blanket over so he can't see the really bad scars I have the sides of my upper thighs. He says that it turns him off because they are gross. I'm grateful for David really, he was the reason that I stopped hurting myself. He said that if I didn't stop, he would break up with me so that was enough motivation for me to stop.

This doesn't feel right, I decide to speak up, "No, David I really don't feel like—"

"Don't be a fucking tease Alexandria!" He yells. "We're just hooking up okay? Like couples who are together do. Now stop being annoying." I decide to shut up, he's right. Why can't I just be normal?

Thirty minutes of uncomfortable friction but David says lube is too much money. I kept whispering no under my breath hoping he would just stop but he didn't, not until he finished on my stomach.

"What the fuck is wrong now?" He yells, shoving his jeans back onto his legs. That's when I realise that I'm crying, when did I start crying?

Maybe if I tell him how I feel, he'll listen to me. Couples are all about communication. "I really didn't want to do that David but you pushed me. I didn't even give you the consent but yet—"

"Oh, so I'm the bad guy? Fuck you! What are you trying to say? I raped you or some shit?"

"I'm—"

"No! It's not rape if we're in a relationship. It's called sex!"

Why do I have to be so weak?

"I'm done. I'm done with this shit. I'm done with you Alexandria; we might as well just be friends if we aren't going to have sex." He screams at me; he sounds furious but he would never hit me. He just uses his words instead.

"Get out... Get the fuck out, I don't want to see you again. I'm done David." I raise my voice, time to stick up for myself. My hands are trembling but my voice is strong.

"You're annoying, ugly and fat. I could do better than you anyways..."

David stormed out of my bedroom without another word, maybe it was for the best. I can't think about this, I need to focus on school. I can cry about it later, my mom will kill me if she finds out I'm late for school. I got ready for school as fast as I could since I was now running late and reached the entrance with five minutes to spare. I knew something was wrong from the second I walked into the court yard. Everyone was staring at me, whispering and laughing to each other. I look behind me, thinking maybe it's someone else but it's not. It's me.

I put my head down and take a few steps, putting my trembling hands into the pockets of my hoodie, wanting to just get inside as fast as possible and hope everyone stops looking at me. "There she is, the attention seeking bitch!"

I stop in my tracks. That was David's voice. "Heard you're a bit of a freak, Alexandria!" One of David's friend's yell.

I stand frozen to the spot, I should walk. Hell, I should run away but fear has stopped me. "You should see them! Fucking ugly as shit... all for attention though obviously." David carries on, laughing. They are now standing in front of me, I look up but realise that everyone in the court yard is listening and watching our exchange.

"Like a victim of Freddy Kruger." David jokes, causing him and his friends to laugh. He's talking about my scars.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't let them see you cry.

"Likes attention so much that she tried to say I raped her, how pathetic..." David exclaims, staring at me with an evil glint in his eyes and a sadistic smirk.

"Attention whore!"

"Freddy Kruger!"

"Freak!"

"Fat!"

Everyone starts chanting different insults at me.

"Can we pause the story for a second? This is a lot to talk about and your whole body is shaking baby..." Harry's soothing voice speaks against my head, causing me to stop talking. He's right, my whole body is trembling and I feel like I'm going to be sick.

"Let's get you into bed, you need some rest." Harry explains, standing up from his seated position. Grunting slightly, mumbling that his leg was dead.

He places me on the bed gently and stands back up. I grab his hand instantly, "Please don't leave me." I don't care how desperate I sound; I don't want him to leave.

"Shhh, I'm not going anywhere. I was just going to take off my shoes first, is that okay? And then we can cuddle, how does that sound baby?" He gives me a small smile but his eyes look sad. I don't want him to pity me.

I nod, closing my eyes as I try to focus on stopping my body from shaking. Harry keeps hold of my hand as he kicks his shoes off, sliding under the quilt with me. He puts his arm over my stomach and drags me backwards so my back is now pressed against his front. He slides one of his arms to nest under my neck, angling his arm upwards so he can stroke my head. He presses his face into my neck, leaving small and comforting kisses on the back of my neck and shoulders. "Is this okay?" He whispers.

"Yeah." I croak, closing my eyes and breathing in his scent, he smells like mint and vanilla. I focus on the way my body has stopped shaking from the feeling of him holding me. "I need to finish telling you what happened or I won't end up telling you and—"

"I know. Get some sleep and then you can finish the story. You're mentally and physically exhausted Lexi. I'm not going anywhere." He mutters against my neck.

I feel so safe, here with Harry. It doesn't take long until I fall into a deep slumber with the feeling of Harry stroking my hair.

Authors note:

This one was really hard to write. Manipulation in a toxic relationship is something that I went through myself, only realising how wrong it was when I was out of the relationship. I didn't go through this exactly but some of the toxic traits that are mentioned, I have experienced first hand. So I feel very strongly about helping people realise when a relationship is toxic and not just 'normal relationship problems'. Always follow your gut, you know deep down if things aren't right.

Sorry, kind of told you my life story there lol.

The next one is another tough chapter but we've got to love our Lexi finally speaking about the things that affect her. Progress is key.

See you in the next one!

~Jess💜