Songs to listen to while reading:

Don't Let It Break Your Heart – Louis Tomlinson

Fresh Pair Of Eyes – Brooke Waggoner

Close To You – Rihanna

All of these songs are really perfect for this chapter so if you would listen to then, that would be greatly appreciated :)

It's been a long four days since... the thing with Liam happened. I've just been pretending that it never happened. I won't let myself cry any more than what I did on the night that it happened. It could have been worse, other people have been through worse so I don't deserve to feel sad for myself.

If I don't think about it, it's like it never happened... right?

I haven't seen Harry much; he's been going to work a lot more along with coming back to the house with blood on his body and clothes. I don't even want to think of the reasons for why he comes back to the house in the state that he does. He just walks into the house and goes straight to his room; he won't even look at me.

Why is it always my fault?

The night after the party at Niall's house, Harry came back with busted knuckles and blood smeared on his face. I tried to ask him about what happened but all he mumbled was that 'the Liam situation has been handled', whatever the fuck that means...

I don't know how to feel about Harry at the moment. It's either really good between us or it's disastrous. We're either laughing and playing around or we're fighting and screaming at each other. He can be so sweet and soft but sometimes he just turns and I don't know who he is when he does.

I'm currently walking around the back garden since it's been a really nice day today. The sun is out, warming my back and the birds are having secret little conversations to each other. I decided to go for a walk so that I can watch the sun set.

I feel homesick for a home that I've never had. I feel homesick for the home that I wish I had. I miss Caleb... I wonder what he's doing right now.

Is this my life now? How am I supposed to just live in Harry's house like this? Surely, one day Harry will get sick of me and just... let me go? He won't kill me... right? Oh god, I can't think about this shit without feeling anxious.

I start making my way back to the house, walking through the sliding doors and into the lounge area. Maybe I'll make a tea... Angela got me some mint green tea to try so I'll have one of those. She could tell that I wasn't okay when she came to visit two days ago so she stopped by yesterday to drop the tea off saying that 'she thought of me when she saw it'. The thought of trying to use her to escape has crossed my mind since she's one of the only people I come in contact with. But then I came to the realisation that she's one of the main gang leaders' wives and no matter how nice she is, I'm not going to risk it...

I notice a piece of paper placed on the glass table as I enter the kitchen.

Why did he put 'H'? Who else would it be from? Santa Clause?

I make my mint green tea and take it with me to the cinema room. Once you enter through the main door from the corridor, there's another door to the left which contains a computer for you to choose movies on. There is also the projector that peeks through the large square that is missing in the small rooms wall to display the movie onto the large white screen ahead.

I decide on putting one of my comfort movies on, Jurassic Park III. What? I love Jurassic Park...

I settle down into one of the large cinema chairs and hug my knees to my chest, getting into a comfortable position with my head resting in my palm. The opening scene of the movie starts to play. My eyes immediately start to feel heavy; I'm not going to sleep. I'm going to watch this movie...

**********

The sound of glass shattering jolts me awake. Shit, I fell asleep...

My eyes flutter open which causes me to cringe from the light reflecting from the movie screen. I look up at the screen and see the opening screen paused for the movie, I don't know how long I've been asleep.

The sound of another glass breaking in the distance wakes me up from my daze that I seemed to be stuck in. Should I do the stupid horror movie move and go and check where the sound is coming from or just ignore it and go back to sleep?

Another glass shattering echoes through the house. It has to be Harry, but why is he breaking glasses?

I walk up the stairs to the exit of the cinema and creep down the corridor as quietly as possible. I don't even know what I would do if it wasn't Harry.

I reach the end of the corridor and peek around the corner to scan over the bar area. There isn't much light since it's turned dark outside now and I haven't turned any lights on inside but I can see a figure swaying slightly in the distance. Another glass gets thrown across the room and shatters into minute pieces that are going to be very difficult to clean up.

"Harry?" I whisper as I slowly take a step towards the bar to get a better look. I try to take careful steps so that I don't step on any glass.

I take a couple of steps so that I'm near enough to see who it is, and with pure relief, I can tell that the mysterious figure is in fact Harry.

"Harry!" I state, talking at a normal tone now that I know he isn't an intruder. He doesn't move from his slouched position with his elbows resting on the high counter top.

I take the final steps and close the distance between us, resting my hand on his left shoulder to try and catch his attention since he can't seem to hear me.

He casually looks over his shoulder to see that I'm standing behind him. He tries to quickly turn around on the spot but his legs don't move so they just cross over each other, causing him to start to fall forwards. I lean forward to catch him by holding his shoulders before he lands on his ass.

"Thanks for saving me." He giggles, I can smell the alcohol laced with his breath. "You look so pretty my Lexi."

Okay, so he's definitely drunk.

He lifts his hands and strokes my cheekbone with his finger, "I like when you're this close to me." He slurs. His finger moves to the side of my face where he tucks my hair behind my ear in a soft motion.

"How much did you drink tonight Harry?"

He doesn't answer me, he just puts his hand on the back of my head and shoves my head to rest onto his chest in a quick motion. He wraps his other arm around my waist to pull my body flush against his.

"Ow, did you have to—" I start.

"Shhhh, jus' let it happen." Harry whispers into my ear, I can't tell whether he is in a serious or joking mood.

I sigh, shifting from one foot to the other with my hands resting at my sides.

"I feel so lost." He whispers changing the mood completely, just barely audible.

"What do you mean?" I ask, trying to lift my head to look at his face but he holds my head still against his chest.

"I jus' feel like I'm constantly fighting with the thoughts that I get in my head." He whispers, his breath tickling my shoulder.

My eyebrows furrow, "What thoughts do you get in your head, Harry?"

He takes a deep breath, as if preparing to answer my question. "I sometimes don't wan' to be here anymore... It's hard to explain. It just gets so loud sometimes... That... That I want to make it all stop."

My eyes fill with tears from his confession, I wrap my arms around Harry's waist and hug him. Even though Harry isn't a good person, no one deserves to feel like that. I feel emotional because, well because I relate with everything he's just said.

I pull my head away from his chest and stare up at him. His arms slide from my waist to my cheeks so that he can hold my face in his hands. His breathing seems to fasten as he strokes my cheeks with his thumbs while gazing into my eyes.

"God, you're so beautiful..." I shake my head and tilt my head down to try and hide the smile that has forced itself across my face involuntarily. I hate how easily he makes me smile.

My arms move from his waist to his arms to try and hold him up straight as his body sways from the effects of the alcohol. That's when I notice something I haven't noticed before, he has bumps along his arms where his tattoos are placed. My eyes fall to where my finger is now tracing the indents. It only takes me a moment before I realise what the indents are. They are scars, lines of scars, littered all across both of his arms.

"Harry, did you do this?" I whisper, already knowing the answer while tracing a thick scar that is hidden by his ship tattoo. I know these kinds of scars all too well.

"I haven't done it in a long time.." He starts, taking a deep breath. "I got all my tattoos to try and stop me which seems to have worked. I just wanted to feel some type of pain that I actually could control, it's stupid..."

My eyes snap up to look into his, "No, it's not Harry. I'm so sorry you feel like that."

I want to tell him that I relate to everything that he's just told me but I don't want him to think that I'm trying to reflect attention onto myself when he's revealing such a deep part of himself. I always feel like I'm being attention seeking if I talk about myself. He's also belligerently drunk, he probably won't even remember this in the morning. It's not the right time...

What am I thinking? I can't tell him about that because then he's going to ask questions and those questions will lead to the incident and I can't talk about that. I can't... I can't believe I was even considering telling him... What is wrong with me!

"Why were you throwing glasses around?" I ask him, curious about the reasoning.

"I get cravings for... for stuff that I used to do that I don't do anymore. And I don't know how to handle the nights when I can't seem to get my mind off of... of the cravings. So I break things... It helps a little, I think." He's going to regret revealing all of this too me in the morning when he's sober.

I place my hands on top of his that are still resting on my cheeks, "I think it's time for bed Harry." I instruct, prying his hands off of my face, taking his hand into mine and leading him upstairs.

We reach his bedroom, not without Harry losing his footing multiple times up the stairs. I tried not to laugh but the frown he made every time it happened, as if it was the floors fault, was too cute not to laugh at.

I guide him to sit on his bed, "Are you sleeping in your clothes?" I ask him, standing in front of him with my arms crossed over my chest.

He ignores my question, leaning forward to pull me so that I am standing in-between his knees with his hands resting on my waist. "Stay?"

I try to think of the first excuse that comes to mind but for some reason, nothing comes...

"Uhm, I don't think—"

He doesn't let me finish, "Please. Please Lexi?"

Ugh, this asshole...

"Fine, now move over so I can get into bed too." I move my hands in a 'shooing' motion. I try to ignore the smirk that is plastered on his face resulting from his victory.

Harry moves to the other side of the bed while I climb into the side I'm standing close to. I shimmy under the duvet and turn onto my side so that my back is facing Harry. I reach for the lamp and turn it off before snuggling even further into the bed.

There are a few moments of silence before I feel the bed dip next to my back. His arm wraps around my waist as he pulls me so that my body is pressed against his as he spoons me. His face is buried behind my neck and his hand is resting on my stomach. I know I should tell him to stay on the other side of the bed but the thing is, is that I don't want to. I really don't want to tell him that.

It doesn't take me long to drift off to sleep with the pressure of Harry's arm wrapped around me and the heat radiating off his body like he's a hot water bottle.

It's the best I've slept since the night of the fort.

Authors note:

Mood because of drunk Harry and cuddles:

Do you guys like when I tell you what is coming up for the next chapter? I don't want to keep telling you and you're like 'wtf is this hoe doing'.

Anywayssssssss

Happy pride month my angels 🏳️‍🌈
I love you so much.

See you in the next one!

~Jess💜