Jin qing woke up with a start.

It was only midday, but she had already fallen asleep from  the exhaustion that lingered on her eyes even after all the pots of tea she consumed to keep herself awake. On top of her military duties, she still had to manage all the affairs that came with being the acting-empress of a kingdom as large as the Wei. War reports were never a cheery thing, but it was a necessary thing to go through herself if she wanted to keep these important documents away from Xi Jian's incompetent hands. She had delegated some of the work to her maids and to Yu Qi, but there were things that she needed to take care of by herself.

She rubbed her eyes. Staying inside for this long can't be healthy for her. Surely, she would have have enough time to sit outside in the sun for a little while? Winter was coming. She soon won't be able to have the pleasure of being in such leisure— given that she survives the next ordeal.

The floor swayed under her feet as she tried to stand up. She had ordered everyone out of her room while she was working, which, in hindsight, probably wasn't the best idea. She valued the focus that silence brought her, but she missed the company of her family.

Someone knocked on her door. "Second--" a pause. "Xue Xian?"

Jin qing shot to her feet. She had wanted to visit Xue Hua ever since she got back from the countryside, but work had swept her off her feet and robbed her of all of her spare time. "What are you doing outside?" She exclaimed. "Come in!"

Xue Hua slowly opened the door and quietly closed it behind her. She looked much better than the last time Jin Qing saw her, as she and the rest of the Li family were treated much better now that Jin Qing was back in the Wei. "The guards outside didn't let me in for the past few days, saying how you were busy with your work." She set down a food box on the table with a gentle smile. "But I know you well enough. I'm sure you're hungry for some good food by now—"

Jin qing didn't wait. She opened the food box before Xue Hua could, and breathed in the heavenly aroma of all the things she had brought her with a wide smile. "And this is why you are my favorite sibling."

Xue Hua was taking out the dishes from the box and stopped when Jin Qing said those words. "What?"

"Did I say something wrong?" Jin qing playfully brushed her finger over Xue Hua's nose, making her break her frozen expression. "You've always been the one to bring me food, the one to take care of me, and the one that has always treated me well. Of course, you're going to be my favorite sister."

"You... still consider me as your sister?"

Jin qing understood the meaning behind Xue Hua's doubt immediately. "Of course I do," she said softly. "We may not be related by blood, but I still consider you as the sister I never had."

"But--"

"I was never old enough to remember my birth father or my birth mother more than just their names. Calling strangers whom I've come to know and care for my family is something I am used to by now." Jin qing gestured to a bowl of rice and a pair of chopsticks she had set on the table, her eyes intently holding onto Xue Hua's gaze. "Sit, eat. I know some people will try and argue against that logic, but arguing with people is also something I am used to."

Xue Hua dropped her gaze down to the food. Unlike Jin qing, she wasn't used to holding onto someone's eye contact like that. She didn't need to-- her smile told Jin Qing everything that she needed to know. "I brought the extra bowl for you. You must be famished."

"I'll just eat an extra bowl at your wedding. Sit! The food is getting cold."

"My... wedding?"

Jin qing stared at her sister. "Please at least tell me your father and the first madam was looking around for a suitable marriage prospect for you before the world came crashing down on the Li family." Xue Hua didn't need to answer her-- Jin Qing came to her own conclusions. "Or was the first madam too busy fawning over Huan Le to worry about you? Actually, don't answer that question." 

Jin qing's lighthearted tone made Xue Hua giggle. "Father and the first madam were looking for potential prospects before Huan le was exposed to be a traitor. We only survived clan extermination because of eldest brother's and your respectable positions in court. Then you were revealed to be Wu Xin--" she caught herself, but Jin qing waved her hand to indicate that she didn't mind talking about that. "Long story short, I don't think any man from any of the respectable families would want a daughter from such a troubled family."

"Xue hua, do you have anyone you fancy?" 

"Hm?"

Jin qing leaned over. "I have the power of an emperor right now. I can mandate a match for you and someone you fancy if you want me to."

Xue hua stared at her. 

Jin qing laughed. "I'm kidding! Why are you staring at me like that? I wouldn't want to trap you in a marriage that doesn't have mutual affection. If you ask me, forget about those respectable families. Which one of them didn't say bad things about me behind my back before my identity was exposed? There are no good fruits in that rotten basket."

"So what should I do?"

"Pick someone you like! Pick someone who loves you as much as you love them. With such a war going on, I don't doubt that there would be some new talents popping up for recognition once this ends. You can always choose someone from there if one of them catches your fancy. Don't settle for anything, or I'll charge through the wedding ceremony with a sword in hand--"

"Second sister, what about you?"

Jin qing had been so preoccupied about thinking of Xue Hua's marriage that she forgot that she too, was a woman, and that she was expected to settle down just the same. 
For once in her life, Jin qing didn't know how to answer. 

"Both the emperor and the second prince once fancied you, but I know you." Xue Hua put her hand over Jin Qing's palm. "Whatever feelings you might have had for either of them is all gone now. You aren't the type of person to go back to someone who scorned you. What are you going to do now?"

A pause. 

Jin qing took in a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. "The food is getting cold," she repeated with a huff, picking up her chopsticks and gestured to the food with her spare hand. "Start thinking about what foods you're going to have on your bethrotal banquet. Do you remember when that one cousin of ours got married? The ingredients for that banquet stretched out to the street! You can never start thinking too early." 

Xue Hua wasn't surprised that Jin qing avoided the question, and played along with her. "Yes, of course, second sister." she said matter of factly. "You're always the smartest and the wisest, so naturally I'll have to listen to whatever you say even if my wedding is still quite far from now." Not to mention the fact that there was still a war being waged. "With you as my sister, Im sure we can beat fourth cousin's wedding menu by tenfold. How about ten streets of ingredients instead of one?"

"You better not forget to invite me when that day comes. Not even the lord of death can stop me from tasting all that good food."

"Of course I would. How can I forget about you, second sister?" 

<>

"What about you? What are you going to do now?"

Jin Qing couldn't focus on her work. Not when Xue Hua's question was still echoing in her mind. 

She knew what she was going to do now-- she was going to figure out how to win this war and finally end the grudge that defined her entire life. But then what? What was she going to do afterward? After how she was treated, it was clear that she will never have a home in the Wei. She'll never be able to walk the streets of the capital without someone whispering about her. She'll never be able to walk across the palace without thinking of the short time she was treated as an empress. An empress in the sense that she was an emperor who was also a woman, not the wife to the man who happened to be an emperor. 

It won't be the same. 

There was always the option of going back to the countryside, but everyone knew where that was. There will be nothing stopping whoever is the next emperor-- Xi Jian or Shang Ye -- from looking for her for every little thing that went on in their imperial lives. She will still have to hold the responsibilities of a Xue Xian but without all the glory and glamour that came with it... not that she ever really cared for it anyway. 

Jin qing let out a sigh. If everything goes according to plan, the war won't end until after the new year. She still had plenty of time to decide what she was going to do after the war.

Someone else knocked on her door. It was far too late for anyone to be visiting her. 

Jin qing stood up and gently opened the door, and immediately regretted her decision.  

"Im sorry for bothering you so late at night," Shang ye said softly. He looked as equally as well rested as Jin qing was-- which was to say, not very well. "It's cold outside. Can I come in?"

"No. Stay outside and freeze." Jin Qing tried to close the door on him, but he put his foot in between the door and held it open with one arm. 

"Wait."

"What?"

"I... I feel like I have to apologize to you."

"You're disrupting me from my work for that?"

Shang ye didn't look surprised at her harsh tone anymore. He just looked... tired. "I won't be able to sleep if I don't apologize to you."

"Apologizing for what?"

"Leaving you alone, not supporting you when you needed it, not believing in you." Shang ye's breath clung into the air in wisps of smoke. He was trying not to shiver, but Jin qing's careful eyes could still catch the small movements. "I know I'm not the man you want. I know I'm not the man you deserve. Jin Qing, you deserve all the finest things in this world but I  want to be the one to give them to you."

Jin Qing stared at him. It was hard to see his expression in the dim light, but she could hear the dedication in his voice. This was the first time she'd ever heard him so resolute about something. 

"Jin qing, you've been the one behind all the success that the Wei has experienced over the past few years. You should have gotten the credit for everything you've done for us-- for the Wei. I want to give you what you deserve. All the blessings that you've missed out on throughout your life." He hesitantly reached for her hand and grasped it when she didn't move away. "I will change. I will grow and learn to become the man you deserve if you would give me the chance. Jin Qing, my precious board game buddy, will you give me that chance?" 

She couldn't respond. She knew what she was supposed to say, but she couldn't bring herself to say it. 

"Jin qing?"

She took a deep breath. "No."

He took a step back. "What?"

"I am a petty person, Shang ye. You should know that by now. I won't ever forget the grievances someone has made me suffer though." Jin qing's voice was growing stronger the more she spoke. It was all making sense to her now. "I won't ever be able to look at you without thinking of what you put me through-- even if it's insignificant compared to what others have made me suffer through. I don't think I'll be able to marry someone who makes me think that way and stay happy."

A part of her hoped that he would argue. She stared into his eyes, daring-- praying -- that he holds his ground and convinces her to stay. That he will fulfill the things he promised just now. That he will become a man who knew how to fight for what he wanted... and if he knew how to do that, Jin qing was willing to look over his every other shortcoming. 

But unfortunately, Jin qing was cursed to be forever disappointed. 

He sighed. "I knew I couldn't change your mind."

"No, you couldn't." It was the most difficult lie Jin qing ever had to say in her life. 

"I... won't bother you anymore." Shang ye turned around and started to walk away. Slowly. Slower than Jin qing would have ever imagined a man could walk away in her life. 

She cleared her throat. "Shang ye."

He looked back hopefully. 

"I hope you have a good marriage," she says with a heavy-- but steady-- exhale. "I hope you find a woman who suits your temperament better than I do. Someone who can fill in your faults and enhance your blessings." She was rambling now. "Someone who you can trust, someone who won't betray your love for them. And..." she took in another deep breath, staring up into the sky instead of at his expression. "Someone who can beat you in board games and make you lose as terribly as you did to me." She didn't need to look down at his face to know that he was smiling. Jin qing started to close the door. "good night, second prince."

"Good night, Xue Xian."