I slide into my black ripped jeans, then a purple layered tank and finally a navy Billie Eilish sweatshirt, wondering what Lauren and Tess will think of me today. Lauren always acts like she loves my clothes, but I know they're not nearly enough for her. She's always dressed in the most perfectly arranged combination of colours, styles and sizes. For her, it's all about "accentuating the curves" and "making the most of your body". Or, in other words, being admired by the girls and lusted after by the boys. For me, it's about getting through the day. Today's is one of my more formal outfits.

I managed to get through my homework last night - by skipping dinner, claiming I ate before cheer - so I don't have too much to do this morning. I can spend extra time on my hair, because the fucking bitch won't stay in a ponytail for longer than six minutes. I timed it once.

I'm far too lazy to do anything fancy like Lauren or Tess, but I'm not a slob, so I spend fifteen minutes or so working my silky blond curls (most likely a genetic flaw - when do you ever see silky and curly hair?) into a ponytail with a braided crown. I have to use four elastics, one of them rubber so that it won't fall out. It turns out pretty well, considering.

~~~~

Forty minutes later, I get off the city bus in the school parking lot. I scan the crowd for Lauren and Tess - mostly Tess; I can't help it - and when I don't see them, I head inside to my locker. But before I even reach the front doors, there's a shout behind me.

"Tay!" Not two seconds later, hands are on my shoulders and someone is jumping up behind me, using my shoulders as a launchpad.

Tess.

My heart speeds up a bit, knowing she is there. Knowing she is touching me. It's not as if this doesn't happen every day - because "every day" is an understatement - but it makes me explode nonetheless.

~~~~

I know I shouldn't feel this way around Tess. We're best friends, and we've been best friends since kindergarten. I should feel this way around Jax, or Carter, or Quin, or Luke. The football jocks. The cute, nerdy guys from AP Calc. I should be like Lauren, constantly obsessing over which guys want to fuck me, which guys I want to kiss. Or even like Tess, crushing hard over Eddie, the hottest boy in school - not that I would know - and writing stories about our first date, and fantasizing about our first kiss.

I shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't feel this way around a girl. I know that. I know it far, far too well. We wouldn't say "no homo" if it were normal to be that way. But I can't help it. No matter how hard I try, I can't suppress my feelings for Tess.

~~~~

"Tess!" I cry, pretending not to be shaken by her presence.

"Oh my god, I love your outfit," she says, and I brace myself for her next words - but they don't come.

She doesn't say, "No homo."

I pretend to hardly notice, though, and we spend five whole minutes obsessing over Billie Eilish. Most songs like six feet under and bury a friend, but, though I do love those songs, my personal favourites are, of course, wish you were gay and also idontwannabeyouanymore. The former for obvious reasons, and the latter because, as much "fun" as being the popular squad is, I'd trade it in for being a nerd any day.

Soon enough - it will always be soon enough. Sometimes I wish it were later - Lauren arrives. She's driven by her older brother, a senior - we're sophomores - so she doesn't exactly get to choose what time she arrives. If he wants to come in the middle of second period, well then, so does she. If he decides to come at seven a.m. for football, guess who gets to come watch the practice?

"Hey, babes," she says, gliding over to us like a fucking duck on water. "No homo. Obviously."

Well, we know someone still remembers.

"Haiiii!!" Tess exclaims. She then launches into her fangirl speech about Billie Eilish and my sweatshirt. I thank God she does, because I know for certain Lauren would have launched into a speech about how "oversized sweaters make you look like you're either fat and trying hide it, or skinny and trying to hide it" otherwise.

~~~~

That's another thing.

God, I mean.

Because I believe in Him. And I also have a crush on a girl.

I know it makes me a sinner. I know it means I'll go to hell.

But somehow that doesn't stop me falling to sleep every night imagining kissing Tess. Holding her close.

Honestly, at this point I wonder if I'm just some sort of flaw in the whole plan. God's plan. The one He has for everyone.

Maybe I'm just a glitch.

~~~~

When the lunch bell rings, I head to the caf to meet Lauren and Tess at our table like always. When I get there, it's just Tess at the table.

She's wearing this adorable bright blue over-the-shoulder long-sleeve tee, with a purple-and-red butterfly on the front. I can see the pale purple strap of her sports bra on her left shoulder, and there's a flutter in my stomach. Her wavy, shoulder-length red hair is up in a half-bun, the lower bit left down. Also adorable. She's got black leggings with mesh on the sides, and wedge sandals that match the colour of her shirt. They're just about three inches high, bringing her eyes to my lips when she stands.

Of course, we're sitting now, so my eyes are on her lips. I have a short torso.

"You look great today," I say, and I'm not going to say the two words I hate most. I won't do it. She didn't earlier, so I won't now.

But of course, Lauren just has to walk up to the table just in time to hear my compliment and lack of the Two Words.

So she, of course, has to say them for me.

"No homo," she declares. "Right?" It's a question, but she doesn't say it like one.

I decide to answer anyway.

"Actually..." I take a deep breath. "Homo."