△Player!Levi x Reader

△she

* Still on EXAM HIATUS. If curious why I did this, please read the semi-important end note.

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"Levi~!"

A voice too feminine and high pitched to be his own gasped aloud in a very sensual manner, enough to be heard if someone were to pass by said man's office.

You — unfortunately — were about to knock for entry in order to pass him a heap load of papers from the Commander himself, but just as your knuckles were about to make contact with the cherry-wood door, you had heard that as clear as a day in which caused your little heart to writhe a little bit more.

To think you would've gotten the obvious little hints though like when you had greeted him with your routine little "Good evening, Corporal." but he didn't even bother with to spare you a smidgen of a glance when he returned the gesture with a low hum of his voice and instead was in plain sight eyeing one of the more 'all-rounded' female cadet, or especially when you saw him throwing the same damn cadet one of his signature almost unnoticeable, but still equally enticing smirk.

You berated yourself as a fool as you continue to torture your soul with their very audible activities because you definitely should've known that some sort of relation between the two of them would have happened like now behind his doors when you witnessed him leave the dining hall — without even bothering to finish his tea — the minute she did.

Idiot, I should've known he would do this!

No! It's not his fault, it never was.

Your loud, contradicting thoughts wouldn't stop gushing into your already noisy mind as you angrily stared down at the large amount of papers your trembling hands were gripping rather tightly at.

It wasn't that you were his 'full-time' lover.

You were just a part-time thing that Levi could go to when he needed your specific skill set, body and sexual type to fulfill his temporary needs and wishes. Just like a college student who's in need of any part-time job to fulfill the wishes of student loan...sort of.

You knew this though as he had explained it to you beforehand.

Even then — even when knowing you would be just another one of the many women he would venture into a pleasurable sin with — you still agreed without a breath of hesitation and jumped head straight with a perfect form into this watery depths of hell that you deemed sanctuary for when it's not suffocating you.

More specifically, your heart.

"Ahngg~"

Visibly cringing and border-line close to tears, you just left the stack of papers on the floor in front of the cursed office-slash-love room and quickly but quietly sped walked the hell out of there and straight for your dormitory, skipping hand-to-hand combat training in the process in order to calm down as much as you can of the excruciating pounding in your chest.

Slamming the door close, the painful choke of anguish and sadness around your resistant soul had finally suffocated you long enough to have them leave your body in the most pitiful way deemed in your own opinion. Quiet gurgling sobs paired with a wet and torn visage would've been visible if someone were to burst through your room right now to question your absence, if it were not for the position your body held — which was a human armadillo in its body-shielding position — on the hardwood floor.

Although, it didn't really protect your heart at all.

Not that it was a bad omen to love him this sincerely in the first place — falling for such a brusque soldier who values the protection of his own heart and feelings over others when it's necessary, someone who spoke of love like it was poisonous but instead opted to throw his own body around with others for a temporary relief, a man who tries desperately to close himself off on an emotional level for the sake of his broken-soul — it's just you who shouldn't have been the one to do so.

Loving such a man as Levi Ackerman is a definite waste of conscience and highly illogical to others if they were to witness your frailness crumbling right in this moment, but you couldn't help it.

He had shown you his kindness — albeit in his own quirky abrasive ways — when you screwed up, his silent trepidation for soldiers who were 'expedition virgins', his sarcastic and talkatively little outré personality spills and last of all—the hook, line and sinker that lured your romanticized being into his sculptured trap — the interest he subtly shows to you ; but what you had completely failed to notice was that he has done those similar doings to other women too, and when you did, you were already way too deep in his clutches.

If only you had listen to your friends, but what's done is done.

You couldn't un-love him ; you couldn't forget how his pastel ice-blue irises dilates when he spots something he likes, how he holds his tea cup because of the incident of how his tea cup broke when he held the handle, how he sighs with satisfaction when he cranes his neck in various positions just to hear that delightful pop after working on his papers too long, how fluidly gentle the movements of his hands are when he caresses your scarred body as the both of you make passionate love be it in secrecy or openly, how he strokes your cheek lightly before leaving the bed to head to shower because he thought you were still asleep, or how he lightly smiles at your goofy nature when you're both alone in his quarters and especially when he had open up to about the feelings he held for the death of his squad.

The thing is — even after witnessing so many horrid things in reality and in dreams, experiencing so much loss due to the terrifying fate of humans, and sacrificing so many emotions for the better of humanity — the hurt that he has put you through is the worst by a long-shot...yet, you would still do it all over again and again in a flash of light, just to relive the attention he gives you for when he needs you.

Silly, yes...but you were a girl in love.

You picked yourself up after yet another break down — like the many times you had done so before — and plodded towards the hardwood table for another session of illustration therapy with a little bit of your pain poured into the form of crappy poems.

Furiously scribbling away at the paper with the pencil in your firm hold, your mind refreshed you on all the times he has done wrong towards you.

All the times he ignored you because he was into another woman, all the times he treated you as if you were simply another dirt of a being who should've been eaten alive on the first expedition, all the times he wouldn't even spare you a glance after using your existence like a once clean rag on the dirtiest window to exist, all the times he was suddenly kind to you because he needed your body and your love to take advantage of, and all the times he made you feel as if you weren't even worth the shit people kill for in the Underground.

Droplets of stray tears stains several parts of your sketch as if they were mocking your pain and hypocrisy.

You want to hate him. To hate how he heartlessly uses you to only fulfill his needs, to hate the way he doesn't notice your suffering, to hate his shamelessly outgoing ways. By gods, you needed to hate him, but you could never bring yourself to as you always somehow manage to convince yourself that he would change, that he would stop all his doings...and that he would love you and only you.

Of course, they were simply wistful dreams injected with false hope ; but somehow, you always held onto them as if it were your lifeline.

"Please, please, please!" You cried out in a strangled muffle due to your pretty little head being stuffed in between your arms, as more salty tears corrupt the intricate drawing of Levi doing paperwork in the afternoon light.

Never did you understand the use of voicing your pleas, but that was only because you didn't know how to word the full extension of your true feelings.

Rephrase : How to get them through Levi without ending up even more alone and in pain than you already are.

Your sobs quiet down to pitiful hiccups as you lay your head sideways, blankly staring at the sketch of the man who refuses commitment. You took ahold of the pencil you abandoned some time ago and began to word down today's emotions in choppy calligraphy next to the bunch of scribbles.

I don't ever tell you
How I really feel
'Cause I can't find the words to
Say what I mean

The sound of the friction between the apparatus and the material was the only thing occupying your empty mind of a dark canvas. The dullness and consistency of it eventually bringing you into yet another daytime slumber, in hopes to temporarily subside the horrid pain of loving someone who doesn't reciprocate it.

•••

He walks down the corridor silently — a habit that was formed from his thuggish phase — towards the familiar room he frequently visited on several late nights.

Your room.

Although, this time it wasn't for comfort, mindless orders or sexual desires — it was to collect your belongings.

Why?

For the same reason why he has to do this for every soldier he was ordered to on, and that being that you didn't make it back breathing.

He should be use to it by now...the feeling of knowing someone close to him had died without him being there to help or save them, but he wasn't. He could never get use to it and no matter how much he prayed that he would, it would be fruitless.

He raised his hand to knock, but halted just as his hand was about to make contact.

Dumbass. It's not like she's there to answer like before...

Levi shrugged off the dread that tugged at his heartstrings when he stood in front of your door with a hand on the knob, knowing that when he enters, your beautiful smile wouldn't be there to greet him anymore.

Shut up, you knew this would happen so just man up.

He took in a very deep breath and he twists the cold metal.

A small voice at the back of his head had hoped you were still there sitting on the windowsill reading a book with the sunlight framing you just perfectly, or sweeping the floor to his standards. Hell, he would've settled for you yelling 'surprise' and telling him that you were just fucking with him about your death, but reality slapped him hard as the room he entered was silent, empty and devoid of your presence — something that he wished that was still here.

He knows that he has done wrong by you.

Several times he has caught your hurt and emotions and chose to ignore it, several times he took advantage of your kindness, and several times he has treated you the way that no one should ever...yet he has continuously done so, thinking that you would get eventually get over him like all the other women, but stubbornly, you had always stayed by his side and loved him wholeheartedly without even an ounce of hesitation ; and now it only pained him to realize that he would never be able to even appreciate or thank you for that because all he had now was an empty room filled with the memories he had created with you that would subsequently taunt him of the better times he has had.

Levi stalked around the room, collecting anything worth sending back to your mourning family as a momentum of your precious life.

Although, the more time he spent on looking for anything that would signify your living, the more guilt would spread in him as every breath he took, he smelt you. It should calm him like it usually does, but all it does now is increasing the feeling of sadness and the twinge of regret in his chest—the one place you loved lying your head on after engaging in those late night activities because the progressive rhythm of his beating heart would always soothe you into sleep.

Levi would never admit it out loud, but he really liked the gesture because only you — out of all the women he had been with — would express the want to cuddle with him after sex.

Sad though, isn't it?

Knowing that he could never experience it ever again, made the feeling of loss grew even more within him, to the point where even the tips of his calloused fingers felt it.

He was about to leave with just your extra set of uniform and single (f/c) pearl necklace as the proof of your life, but just as he was about to force his head away from where the both of you frequently laid in many nights, a small notebook that was lodge in between the crack of your pillow and bed had had him do a double take.

He looked around, as if to re-ensure himself that you weren't there to accuse him of stealing but then the stuff that he was holding in his dominating hand reminded him that there was no 'you' anymore.

Levi's chest tightened a bit more but he shook it off yet again, just like all the other times.

He sat down on your bed, placing your stuff next to him carefully as he stares at the small leather notebook in front of his eyes. He was so focused on it that to an outsider, it would look as if Levi was trying to shoot laser beams at it from his eyeballs.

In the most gentle way that Levi Ackerman could possibly conjure — he opened the book.

•••

The nebulous shading of the moon behind the thick fluffy-looking clouds was what Levi's line of sight allowed him to see.

It was unclear, but he still knew that it was the moon.

The same moon that had shone on your delicate curves, framing and highlighting them as if the gods were trying to tell him that he can't do any better than you. The same moon that the both of you awed in as it reflected off the secret forest lake that only he would bring you. The same moon that you loved to admire when you couldn't fall asleep in his arms after hours of mindless chatting.

It represented his heart and conscience right now : vague, obscure and hazy.

He was unclear about the extent of his true feelings for you, but he knew he wanted you right now.

The same you that comforted him when he denied you of his feelings about the death of his loved ones. The same you that was always at his beck and call — one he took great advantage of. The same you that he never tried to get anything more than 'casual sex' with.

The same you that loved him so much that you made a whole damn book about it.

Levi shut his eyes.

The indistinct moon no longer his view but instead, your face came to mind. Endless memories of you playing in his head.

Your smile.

Your tears.

Your laughter.

Your quirks.

Your compassion.

Just you, and that was enough to bring him into a joyful sensation.

Then, your book popped into his mind.

The one thing that has ever touched him in such a deep way, that he had to take a breather after observing and appreciating the first few pages so he didn't all-out-sob right then and there.

This was because he could feel the heart and soul you had poured into each stroke, letter and smudge on the papers. The uncertainty, the heartache, the suffering — he could feel them all especially and that hit home real hard.

Had I been such an oblivious fool all these times? He remembered asking himself as he felt around the drawings and the poems.

Repeating that whole ordeal like it was a cycle was hard for him but he held it in pretty good. Although that was until he reached the last page where it was just too much for his weakened heart already.

It was of him, sleeping peacefully on the bed in your point of view.

It was an absolutely beautiful rendition of him. Every curve, dip and shadow — you had jotted them down and it was simply perfect ; but that wasn't the final blow to his heart, no.

It was what you wrote on the side that was slightly smudged and had circles of dryness scattered around in which indicated that you were crying — yet again.

I know I'm not your only,
but at least I'm one.
I heard a little love
is better than none.

So just a little bit of your heart
is all I'm asking for,

Levi.

He snapped opened his eyes. He was afraid that if he continued to clamp them shut, he would have yet another break down.

"If I give you all of my heart right now, would you come back to me?" He whispered while looking at the moon with tears slightly blurring his vision ; but this time, he definitely knew that it was the moon for the clouds have drifted off to somewhere else, allowing the moon to shine in all it's glory.

Just like his heart for you, for he knows now that he truly loves you — right from the moment where you had saluted him in fear after accidentally knocking over his tea to now and when his time ends on this earth.

Closing his eyes again and turning away from the bright moon, Levi wished that he had opened himself up sooner to commitment and you, that he could rewind time and give you and only you all of his dedication, loyalty and love.

That he didn't do what he did to you.

Maybe then if he's lucky enough — instead of disintegrating along with the other bloody and broken corpses in the soul-liberating flames — you would be next to him when he opens his bloodshot eyes, on the bare side of his bed where he admittedly believe you belonged — alive.

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・exam hiatus : Today-20th November

While furiously reading thick ass books and writing tips, I didn't realize that by the time I was (sorta) good to go, it was already my finals.

So I had to stop all the English and Wattpad and just focus on the final tests that would determine wether I would be able to enter a good college or a shitty one, or if I can even enter a college.

So I do apologize for those who was waiting and I sincerely hope u liked this.

If you didn't, please tell me why—descriptively. I do not mind criticism bc it would really help me in finding my personal writing style 🌚🌝

Like in this one, is it too messy? Long-winded? Badly worded? Not straight-forward enough? Not emotional enough? Why? How? Where?

P. S. I'm still practicing, experimenting and reading with my style of writing to find my best one. Hope this was okay🙋🙋