A/N: HEY GUYS. So, as mentioned on the summary- this book is a spin-off of Trust fall with the story of Sia. To be honest, I'm highly positive that this story is gonna be much better (Amen) because its a bit more emotional and I won't lie, its gonna be a bit dark as well. Anyways, the most important thing is whether you like it or not. Let's just hope for the best for now.

Happy reading!

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Chapter track

Cold- Aqualung, Lucy Schwartz

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Sia

I wish it would stop raining.

Coincidence as it might be. But it has always amazed me when the weather turns up to replicate my feelings. And today the weather is-cold, dark and gloomy.

They say time is the best healer-but in my case, it seems to work the exact opposite. Nobody seems to understand what I've been going through, nobody, not even myself. Maybe it's just a momentarily occurring trauma caused by seeing the cold lifeless body. I try to assure my restless heart. Oh how I wish if I could erase that out of my memories!

It has been a month since Rohan has gone but he hasn't faded out a bit off my mind, instead, his memories seem to be haunting me everywhere I go. It's not that I'd known him all my life, he was actually the person I knew the least about but how can I ignore the very strong feelings that he'd ignited inside me? Was I falling in love? I was, it felt like that. Was he too? He did kiss me afterall. However, I'm not sure anymore. Maybe I was just attracted to him because he was too nice to me. Or were we simply confused? What's the point of thinking it through? It doesn't even matter. He's gone.

But how do I ignore the way I miss him! I miss him so much that my heart aches all the time. After all, he listened to me like no one ever did, he understood me like no one else did and he made me feel so beautiful.

I hope it wasn't love. I really hope it isn't love. What is the point anyway? He's gone.

However, I'm unable to subdue the fact that even the very short span of time with him was everything I'd never felt before. How am I supposed to get over that feeling? How am I supposed to move on with the loss?

Its the same story every night. Closing my eyes has been the hardest thing to do since the night he laid cold on the floor, flooded with his own pool of blood flowing down his slit wrist. And every night the same pattern of nightmares haunt me, the glimpses I desperately want to forget.

Why did he do that? Why didn't he ask for help? Why did he have to leave so soon? The unanswered questions distress me more as the time passes by.

Today is no different. I'm still unable to keep my mind at ease. I try to distract myself with music but it feels nothing more than a noise. I'd think about studying but it only manages to remain within my thoughts for barely a minute. Movies, TV, social media, nothing is able to attract my attention and the more I try, the more I fail.

So, in desperation of a distraction, I decide to clean. I change the bed sheet into a flowery one to bring out a cheerful atmosphere. With the permission of my grandmother, I even manage to cut a few roses from the garden and put them in the crystal vase filled with water, carefully placing on the bedside table. It is usually Bianca who'd use these drawers on the table, so I hope that these flowers might cheer her up as well. After all, the recent incident has been difficult on her too.

There are three drawers in the table and as I pull out the first one, I'm surprised to see it as good as a dustbin. I smile, knowing that Bianca can also at times be as disorganized as any normal teenager. I begin to clean it up, throwing away the unwanted pieces of tissue papers and empty boxes of tictac and organizing the rest of the contents neatly. One after the other I finally reach the bottom drawer which seems to be a bit different than the previous two, for there are stacks of books which I take out to organize in a better manner. However, when I randomly turn the hard cover of a diary, I get hit by a wave of shock and disbelief as I spell out the name scribbled on the top of the first page-

Rohan Chettri

As shocked as I was, his name was the least surprising name mentioned in the page, for it was covered with several green coloured sticky notes filled with the words written for Me-

"Sia, don't you dare think that there's any fault in you."

"You're the most amazing girl I've ever seen, Sia."

"This diary consists of all the memories I have of you. My most treasured possession."

"Sia, you're the best thing that ever happened in my life."

"I'll be gone, but my love for you will forever remain."

"Wish I could live, with you."

"Sia, I couldn't make you mine, but I remain yours, forever."

"Sia, I'm sorry, but I have to go."

My heart is racing. My mouth is dry. I feel dizzy. I'm overwhelmed. I'm confused. I need to breathe. I need air but I can't breathe.

I lose the grip off the thick diary that falls into the floor. I'm equally unable to hold myself together, so I grab the chair to sit down.

How long has this diary been here?

.

.

I take my head away from the diary and pull myself out of the chair at the arrival of Bianca.

Her sunken eyes are now widened as she sees the open diary on the table.

"Since when has this been with you?" I ask, but Bianca doesn't answer. "Was it before he left?"

The tears rolling down her eyes is the only movement in Bianca's direction and that guilty silence answers all the questions. I've never hated somebody so much before.

"Why didn't you tell me anything?" I mutter, trying my hardest to control the anger rising inside me.

"What help could've it done if you would've known?" The audacity she has to question fuels me up even more.

"I could have helped." I argue. "He was grieving, Bia and he was all alone. I would have talked to him, let him know that I was there for him."

"You think I didn't do that?"

"But he was in love with me!" I yell. "And it would have been better if I'd known sooner. He might've been alive and had known that he wasn't alone. Thanks to you, now I have to live with this remorse hanging over my head forever."

"Remorse?" Bianca exclaims. "What are you even saying, Sia? There was nothing you or I could've done. You don't need to feel guilty for the crime you didn't commit."

"I don't care!" I throw the vase on the floor making my dear cousin flinch. "I don't know what and I don't know why. You shou..... You should have said something. Or at least given this diary to me when he was alive. Didn't he want me to have it?"

"Why didn't you give this to me earlier?"

"You were having nightmares, Sia. You were already suffering so much and I thought it was better for you to move on rather than let it trigger you more."

"But are you ever going to tell me when he gave this to you?"

"A day prior to the incident." She whispers after a long stretch of silence.

"What?" I'm shattered with disbelief. "Which.. which means there was enough time for me to know all these and.. and Rohan could have lived?"

"You weren't home and he told me to give it to you...I had no idea." She hiccups as she weeps. "I'm so sorry Sia. I fell asleep before you returned and Neil had been..

" Oh, Yes! How can I forget about Neil?" I laugh dryly. "Apparently, Neil is all you care about don't you? Or perhaps Penzo? Or just yourself?"

"Sia," She whispers in disbelief.

"You know what? Behind that goody goody personality of yours lies a very selfish heart. Your feelings, your boyfriend, your happiness, your pain all you ever care about is yourself. You crave attention , Bia. Just admit it already. And only if you'd put that selfishness of yours beside for a minute, there would've been a boy who wouldn't have faced death so early."

"Sia, none of our actions would have saved him and you know that very well."

"How can you be so sure?" I shout. "You're not God Bianca. And you had this diary before he killed himself! He would've been saved! He would've been saved."

"But he's gone. We can't do anything about it now. Why are you being like this, Sia?"

"Because I'm not like you. I don't like being passed around. Like you do, with Neil and Penzo."

"What?"

"You would've known why I'm being like this if you'd stop being selfish. But I can't blame you. Might've been hard dealing with the boys in your life." She covers her mouth as she sobs before leaving me alone with the diary.

Within the deep corner inside my heart, I know it's unfair to put the blame on Bianca, but what else can I do? I'm too consumed with grief and anger.

I lay on my bed, my face towards the wall. My mind is in chaos, having no strength to cry, no reason to smile and certainly no intention to forget it all.

I notice Bianca pack her stuff but I don't say a word. My parents try to talk to me, my grandparents too, but I don't want to listen or talk, I'm way too tired of convincing that I'm not crazy.

Uncle Sharad arrives the next day, he tries to talk as well, but I politely avoid him after a short greeting.

I see Bianca leave with him but I still don't utter a word.

It is as though I'm completely alone now.

But it's not.

I still have his essence.