~Jiyong~

I can't see anything, it's too dark. I can't hear anything, it's deafeningly silent, even my breathing seems to be muted. But I have to keep moving, I have to keep searching.

"What are you looking for?" a voice asks me, a voice I don't know...but wait do I? It's familiar, though I feel like I've forgotten what it really sounded like.

"Please, can you help me?" I ask, my own voice raspy and strained.

"What are you searching for Jiyong?" that voice asks again, sending a shiver down my spine.

"Who are you?" I ask spinning around in the pitch black that surrounds me, trying to find any point of light, any point of salvation, any sign that this darkness is not eternal.

"What are you searching for?" the voice is more insistent this time.

"Please, I just want to go home" I sob loudly, dropping to my knees.

"Tell me what you are searching for Jiyong" the voice yells.

I gasp, my head snaps up, and I know in that instant what I am searching for. I know what I've been stumbling around in this darkness trying to find, but I don't want this. Why was I searching for this? Why would I ever want to find this?

I lift my head up and open my mouth to speak, about to ask the voice why it wants me to find something so awful. But before me isn't the blackness like I was expecting, instead it's an angelic like person, with dark brown hair, tan skin, and dark captivating eyes that I quickly find myself lost in. The boy seems to be emitting his own light, like he is my very own morning sun come to save me from this eternal night. He's staring at me smiling, and offering out a hand for me to get up, which I gladly take. I smile back at the boy, relieved that I am no longer alone. I stabilize myself back onto my feet and look around, but can't seem to tare my eyes away from the angel for long.

"What's your name?" I ask, my voice no longer muffled in the presence of my angel.

He smiles and brushes his hand across my cheek, sending warmth through my body "you know who I am baby"

I blink at the boy, then the realization of who he is rushes into my body almost like a smack to the face "Seunghyun" I sob and throw my arms around him, burying my face in the crook of his neck.

He chuckles and holds me close "you have to go now Ji"

I nod and let go of the man I love "How do we get home?" I ask, looking around for any source of exit.

Seunghyun smiles almost sadly, regretfully even "we don't baby"

I'm about to ask what he means by that, when suddenly an ear shattering bang rings through the air, loud and piercing in this deafening silence. I jump and tighten my grip on Seunghyun's hand.

"Seung... what was...?" I question, looking back, but halt every action, even though my body screams at me to lunge forward, to do something, but I can't seem to make my body move. I'm frozen and unable to do anything as blood gushes down the side of Seunghyun's head, staining the white shirt he's wearing with a disturbing shade of red. My angel is no longer pure, my angel is dying.

"Don't look at me so sadly Ji, the pain will stop soon" Seunghyun smiles at me, a twisted sort of relief flashing through his eyes, before he collapses to the floor. I serge towards the falling boy, screaming at the top of my lungs, desperately trying to grasp onto any part of man I love, while attempting to convince myself that if I just touch him with my fingers, if I just get to feel his warmth touch my skin then he'll be alright. But I feel as if I'm moving in slow motion, unable to move as fast as I need to. He hit's the ground before I can reach him, and his body shatters into a million pieces just like glass when it's dropped to the ground.

>>>>

I awake with a scream on my lips in the formation of a name, said owner of that name wakes with me and immediately places a warm hand on my shoulder.

"Ji, baby? Are you ok?" he asks, his concern a bit panicked.

I breath out a shaky breath and turn towards him, maneuvering onto my knees and climbing onto his lap. I place my head against his chest and let the soothing sound of his slightly fast paced heartbeat calm me down.

"Ji, what's wrong?" Senghyun asks me once again, starting to rub circles across my back.

I shake my head "nothings wrong, you're ok, you're still here, and everything's fine"

"Of course I'm here baby, what happened? Did you have another nightmare?" Seunghyun asked.

I nod "i lost you Seung, I couldn't save you" my lip trembles as tears gather, threatening to brim over.

Seunghyun sighs "I'm right here Ji baby, you didn't lose me and you never will"

I snuggle deep into his chest, trying to rid my mind of the images from my dream. I whine and pull back "Seung, my stomach hurts"

Seunghyun looks at me sadly "do you want me to make you something? Warm tea? Maybe get you some crackers?"

I shake my head, then get a familiar lurching feeling deep in my stomach, that has me flying off the bed and hurdling towards the bathroom in record time. My hands grab onto the side of the bowl when I slid across the floor to the toilet -which is a maneuver I've perfected over the years- and let go off every last bit of food left in my stomach.

I hear foot steps approach me seconds later, and soft circles being rubbed across my back with one hand, while the other pushes my hair off of my sweat drenched face.

I hear an audible sigh "Ji, maybe we should go see Dr. Park, I know you said that you wanted to try seeing him only once every two weeks because you were finally doing well, but you've been having nightmares every night this week... clearly you're not doing as well as we thought"

I groan an try to push down a dry heave "I'm fine Seung, my mind will work it's self out soon enough"

"No Ji, you said that last night, and the night before, but look at you. Ji you're losing sleep, you barely eat anything, you're getting headaches all the time and you've even started to disconnect yourself from everything... Minji even said that you're starting to remind her of how you acted when you first came here, and honestly baby, you're starting to scare me" Seunghyun voices his worry and I can't help but feel guilty.

I thought I was doing a better job at keeping how bad these nightly dreams were effecting me. I thought I was doing the minimal necessary to reassure everyone that i'm fine, but now I realize that doing the minimal is one of the things causing concern.

"I'm sorry" i say resting my head on the toilet seat.

"Don't do that, it's dirty" Seunghyun chides, picking up my head and pulling the rest of my body forward to rest on his lap "and don't be sorry, just be honest with me, what's going on Ji?"

I shake my head "I don't know Seung, it's like I'm trying to tell myself something but I can never seem to grasp what it is before something terrible happens. I was so close tonight, I had an answer, I finally found what I was searching for, but I don't remember what it was" I sniffle lightly "I watched you die Seung, I watched you bleeding and falling to the ground, but I couldn't do anything, I was completely helpless"

"Shh, it's ok, I'm fine, but I still feel that it is a good idea to go see Dr. Park, he could probably help you figure out what it means, maybe even help you find what you've been searching for"

"Have you still been going to see him?" I ask "is that where you go during my Taekwondo practices?"

He nods "yeah, but most of our conversations are about you, though"

I roll my eyes "then why do I even need to go if he already knows everything about what's going on with me"

Seunghyun chuckles but it holds barely any humor "please baby, I hate to see you like this"

I sigh "fine, but I won't go till my regular scheduled time, I don't want it to feel like an emergency session... god I always hated those"

"That's fine Ji, as long as you go see him, he misses you" Seunghyun teases, my goofy boyfriend coming back to me.

I giggle "I'm sure he's having withdrawal from my special kind of crazy, it's addicting to that loon"

"You're not crazy Ji"

"Fine, damaged, a mess, completely broken" I say trying to make a joke out of the things I'm saying, but they just come out sounding bitter and depressing.

"Baby..."

"Don't, Seung, how can you see me like this? Just seconds ago you were pushing my hair out my eyes because I had a nightmare so bad that my body rejected any substance... how can you see me like this and not think that I'm broken?"

"Because being broken implies that you can't be fixed, and my darling Ji, the love of my life, you are already starting to put yourself back together... scars may be ugly, but they are proof that we survived and that we healed... one day Ji, you'll be whole again and because of that you are not broken"

I feel a hot wetness roll down my cheek, and I turn over in Seunghyun's lap, so I can look up at him "I'm not though Seung, I'm not not the one putting myself back together, you're the one stitching me back together ... you're the one who's going to make me whole again"

If I think back to how it was before I met Seunghyun, I wasn't really living my life, I was just coasting. My life had become nothing but a pre-planed schedule of how to make it through my days. My nightmares and demons took over any bit of me that was left to exist like a normal person, they raped me of my ability to find happiness, but Seunghyun gave it back to me.

"Seunghyun, my life would really have sucked if you hadn't had came into it, I really do love you" I says brushing my fingers across his jawline.

Seunghyun beams down at me and kisses me lightly on my head "I love you too baby, and I always will"

>>>>

"Please don't be mad" Seungyun says shooting me a cute little pout that nearly makes me jump into his arms, but I need my space and honestly I think he does too.

Everything has just been building up and building up, I think all of the stress of everything lately is the reason for how on edge I've been, prompting the nightmare and the headaches. I mean nothing else can really explain it... Right?

It's not that I'm getting tiered of Seunghyun or don't want him around, actually it's the opposite. There have been times in the past couple of days that I've been obsessively clingy with Seunghyun, to the point where I don't even like to be in a different room as him, and constantly need him by my side, touching me in some way. Without that physical contact I feel like I'm falling apart, crumbling into little pieces. He's the only thing keeping me together in those moments of vulnerability, and I'm scared of what that dependency is starting to do to me to us.

I'm happy that Seunghyun has been so attached lately, because honestly I've needed him, but it's starting to take a turn into a fragile place. I told Seunghyun from the beginning that we can't shut the world out, that we can't hide ourselves away in our own little land of obliviousness. We need to learn how to stand on our feet as separate people again, though I want nothing more in this moment than to wrap my arms around the man I love and tell him not to leave me, I know that this is for the best.

"I'm not mad Seunghyun, I'm just annoyed, I need to finish this paper and I can't do that when your attached to my hip, honestly I love you, but I need some personal time" I say trying to explain in a calm and convincing manner.

I know I'm using my school assignment as an excuse, but I can't just suddenly tell Seunghyun to leave, he'd be a mess thinking something is wrong. Seunghyun nods pathetically and slowly walks toward the door while I follow him. He opens the door and steps into the hall before turning to me giving me this puppy eyed look that is completely unfair, his last ditch attempt to convince me to let him stay.

"Don't give me that look, it's only for a couple hours or so, you'll be ok, actually I think it will be good to get some time away from each other" I say with my hand on the door. "We can't shut out the rest of the world just because we have each other"

He looks down at the floor and nods, making me feel even more guilty. I can take it if he gets mad, or throws a joke at me and leaves, but this is absolutely killing me and all I want to do it wrap my arms around his waist, snuggle into his chest, and let myself become immersed in everything Seunghyun once again. Luckily though my resolve holds more ground than my heart at the moment. 'This is for us Seung, please don't hate me'

I sigh and lean forward placing a kiss on his cheek, then pull back, closing the door, despite his pleading eyes, begging me to let him stay. I stand at the door for a few seconds before turning around and heading back to my desk, taking notice at how cold the room has suddenly become.

>>>>

~Seunghyun~

I stand there for a while, listening to the quiet, until I hear the light clicks of his keyboard and I know he's writing again. I feel awful, I shouldn't have annoyed him like that.

I know I've been clingy latly and I have been getting on Ji's nerves, but I can't seem to get this nagging feeling out of my gut that something bad is coming. My need to keep him safe is the reason behind why I have basically attached myself to his hip lately. I see how irrational I'm behaving, but when it comes to Ji, I just want to keep him locked in his room with me for the rest of his life, where i know he's safe and happy.

Of course I understand that I can't do that and I have no control over his life, but I can't help my desire to protect Ji, even to the point of making him hate me.

I sigh and move away from the door, leaning my back against the wall, and sliding down till my butt hits the floor. If he needs space, then he shall get it, but I'm not sure if I can bring myself to go any further from him than I have to.

........

"What are you doing?" My head snaps up to meet the eyes of an almost angry looking Ji.

I jump to my feet "um, I-I was just waiting till you finished"

Ji closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose and takes in a deep breath "when I told you to get out, I meant go do something without me, meet up with some friends, or spend some time doing something you enjoy, just go do something, anything"

"But I want to be with you" I say and my voice sounds needy, even to me.

"I know Seunghyun, but I'm busy and you getting on my nerves isn't making me work faster, just please go do something, I'll text you to come back when I'm done" he says, glancing back at me, then once again closing the door on me.

>>>>

"Honestly I never expected you to text me, I figured we are kind of throw aways now" Daesung says walking next to me through the overly crowded shopping mall.

I sigh, kind of understanding now what Ji was saying to me earlier. We need our distance from each other, we need our own lives outside of one another, and my friends are important to me. I didn't realize how much I have missed Dae until I called him up to ask what he was up to.

I sigh "I'm sorry, I guess I have been neglecting you guys latley"

Dae laughs "I'm just messing with you Seung, honestly it's ok, I get it, you're in love... being away from the person you love is like being away from oxygen, it's suffocating"

I nod, truly it feels like I'm missing a part of myself, like that sudden panic of leaving your house and feeling like you forgot something. Except I know exactly what i forgot, and I can't help the little paranoia in the back of my mind that Ji's not here with me.

I nod, pushing it away, knowing that Ji's stronger than I give him credit for and he'll be fine on his own "how is Yongbae coming along? now that you bring it up"

He smiles that signature Dae smile and i can't help but mirror it. Daesung always makes me feel lighter and in a good mood, he's just one of those people that makes you feel happy in their presence "he's getting there, baby steps I guess"

I chuckle, shaking my head at this back and forth dance I've been watching my best friends do for the past couple of years "Dae, I love you, but seriously you just need to be upfront with him, quit being shy about it and tell him what you want"

He sighs, and starts fiddling with his hands "I know, I'm just scared of losing him, I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not have him in my life at all" he states stopping and making eye contact with me, a rare serious moment for the bubbly guy.

I place a hand on his shoulder "is that really what you want? To stay beside him as a friend? Are you prepared to just be a friend as he goes on dates? Gets a girlfriend? Gets engaged? Are you going to be able to smile as you stand next to him at his wedding? Or as his first child is born? Can you really sit through all of that and think at least he's my friend?"

Dae's face falls, and he swallows hard "no, I don't think I can watch him form a happy life with someone other than me"

I squeeze his shoulder, hoping to comfort him "Exactly Dae, you'll lose him if you force yourself to accept something now that you won't be able to later. At least if you tell him how you feel, you have a chance at being the one he forms that happy life with instead of the one watching from the sidelines with a forced smile"

Dae lifts an eyebrow "why do you always make me see things I don't want too, can't you just let me live in my ignorance?"

I laugh "because Dae, you deserve to be happy, I love you too much to let you be ignorant"

Dae smiles that smile that makes his eyes disapear again and starts to walk once more while I do the same. We walk a couple of stores down, when I see something that makes me stop in my tracks.

"What is it?" Dae asks turning around once he realizes I am no longer walking beside him.

A huge grin takes over my face "I think I just got a brilliant idea"

>>>>

~Jiyong~

I finish editing my paper and finally press print, sitting back in my chair, rubbing my now burning eyes from prolonged light exposure from my laptop screen.

I take in a deep breath, feeling accomplished, but at the same time empty. I miss Seunghyun, I know that this is what I am feeling, and I really do feel bad at how I treated him earlier. But of course my stubbornness, refused to let me admit that I was being a bitch, and shouldn't have snapped at him. When I saw him sitting out in the hall, like an obedient puppy waiting for its master, it stirred something in me, and made me feel guilty, sad, and angry, but it also made me feel afraid. Have we already gotten in this deep, have we already pushed out so much of the world that we don't know how to function properly without each other?

I hope that this isn't the case, and we can start to move into a place of normalcy. Even though I know we don't really do normal, I want Seunghyun to be able to spend an evening out with friends, and I want to be able to sit here by myself without feeling like I'm slowly imploding. Still, even with these thoughts running through my head, my need to see the man that is everything to me, has me pulling my phone out and sending a text message that he could come back now.

I pull out my phone and start scrolling through facebook, not expecting to wait long because I sense that he wouldn't have gone too far... and maybe a small part of me, a very selfish part, hopes that he is still somewhere in the house waiting patiently for me.

Twenty minutes, a checked Facebook, Instagram, vine, and two EXO videos later, a knock sounds at my door. Seunghyun had taken longer than I expected for him to come back and I am a bit surprised by how upset I am about it.

"Come in" I call coldly.

The door slowly opens and I hear his quiet padding across the floor towards me, while I remain placid in my chair with my back to him.

"Are you still mad?" He asks sounding like a little kid gaging his parents emotional level after they just got yelled at.

I clench my jaw, ignoring his question "where were you?"

"I went to the mall with Daesung, he wanted to get some stuff and I asked if I could tag along" he answers seeming nervous.

I take a deep breath and nod, still refusing to look at him. I don't want to say anything to him that I'll regret later, so I just keep my mouth shut and pay attention to the screen in front of me.

"Ji, baby, please don't be mad" Seunghyun pleads "I'm sorry I annoyed you earlier"

I sigh "I'm not mad about that Seunghyun, and I wasn't annoyed at you... just at the situation"

"Then what are you mad about? Did I do something? What situation?" He asks, a new wave of panic falling into his voice.

"Seung..." I start, finally turning my chair around to look at him, but instead of finding Seunghyun's deep brown eyes staring at me, I find the dark black eyes of a stuffed bear staring at me.

I lift an eyebrow and look around the bear to find my boyfriend's concerned eyes.

"What is this?" I ask almost amused at how large the bear is.

"I made this for you as an apology for being a pain in the ass, it has cloths on like the ones I'm wearing, and it has fur similar to my hair color... do you like it?"

I look at the bear once more and find the similarities I missed earlier, like how it's wearing a grey T-shirt just like Seunghyun, or the converses its wearing on his feet. Even the fur is a dark chocolate brown and kind of brushed up on top of its head like Seunghyun's is.

The Bear is actually kind of adorable and I soon feel all of my anger drain from my body, while I reach out to pet the cute stuffed animal. Suddenly the images of Seunghyun carting this large bear through the mall full of teenagers fills my head and I can't help the laugh that escapes my lips.

"What's funny?" Seunghyun pouts, setting the bear down at his feet.

I laugh again "just imagining you carrying this thing around the mall... it's actually kind of hilarious" I snort and hold my sides as more laughter pours out of me.

"Ji" Seunghyun whines but a smile brushes his lips.

I stand up still laughing slightly and lean over the bear, wrapping my arms around his waist, breathing in his sent and letting his warmth encase me.

"I love you, you're perfect" I say.

Seunghyun envelopes me with his arms and holds me close "I love you too baby, but I'm far from perfect"

"Your perfect for me Seung, you alway know exactly what I need" I pull back "but now that I have mini Seunghyun to cuddle with, where will you sleep?" I joke.

Seunghyun narrows his eyes "don't make me jealous over a stuffed animal Ji"

I giggle "then get your ass over here and cuddle me" I says as I climb onto my bed, sinking under the covers.

Seunghyun doesn't say anything else, just crawls onto the bed and snuggles up behind me, tucking his arms tightly around my waist, while my arms hold onto my mini Seunghyun, hugging him to my chest.

"Thank you for the bear, but you do know you don't have anything you have to apologize for " i say after a few minutes of basking in the warmth and comfort I am squished between.

"I know how I've been clingy lately Ji, I know I've been obsessive and annoying, trust me I've seen it... I just can't seem to escape this fear that something bad is about to happen... I won't be able to live with myself if something happens to you Ji"

"Nothing bad is going to happen Seung, everything is going to be fine, I'm going to be fine" I try to comfort him.

"How do you know?"

I smile and scoot back, snuggling deeper into his chest "because I have an amazing boyfriend who is always here when I need him and nothing can break us"

I feel his chest rumble into my back with his chuckling "are you being optimistic? Isn't that my job?"

I grin "well you're getting all emo on me, someone has to be the unicorns and rainbows one"

Seunghyun snorts "it's weird, optimism doesn't suit you, I prefer bitchy pessimism"

I bark a laugh "well then quit worrying and see the damn sunshine and glitter already, because honestly it's exhausting. I don't know how you do it all of the time"

Seunghyun places a kiss to my temple "since you came into my life, it's easy to see the word like that. Because of you, I feel that anything is possible"

I roll my eyes "there's my Seung"

>>>>>

"So you're having nightmares again?" Jungsoo asks, pulling his eyebrows together in a confused manor "what could be causing them this time? Is there any type of stress you've been through lately... I know about everything that happened on the trip, but you seemed fine about the events that took place, ecstatic even"

I sigh "I don't know why it's happening, there's nothing wrong, the only pressing thing that's going to be happening soon is graduation, but it wouldn't cause nightmares"

Jungsoo takes a deep breath thinking over something in his head "well, what exactly is happening in these dreams? Explain in full detail"

"It's different every time, but kind of the same, I'm always looking for something at first, and I'm about to find it, I can just feel that I'm so close... but every time I'm almost there, something terrible happens" I bite at my lips nervously "the most recent dream... it was the worst one yet"

I shiver at the thought of the dream I had last night, it's the whole reason Seunghyun decided to bring me in for an emergency session, despite my multiple protests, but something in Seung's eyes wouldn't let me refuse.

It was the same dream as before, I watched Seunghyun die, but this time it was so much worse because I saw how it happened, I saw how he died. I close my eyes and push it out of my head refusing to think of it right now.

I think Seunghyun needs this just as much if not more than I do, he needs this reassurance that I'll be fine and that this is something I'll get through. It's odd to me, for years I've been going through this, I've had relapse after relapse of bad episodes, but I've never gone through it with someone by my side. I guess I didn't think about how all of this is really effecting my man I love, because I've never had someone this close, someone who can see past the bravado and the locked doors. Even when I had my family trying to help me through it, I was still alone. With Seunghyun I never feel alone, I don't have to suffer through this by myself, but old habits of hiding everything away, of making it out that I'm fine and trying to act completely normal, are hard to stop.

"He woke up screaming at the tops of his lungs and ran to the bathroom to throw up, he hasn't eaten in days and refuses to sleep... that's why we're here, he can't keep going like he is" Seunghyun explains, clearly distressed by how I've been acting lately.

I wince at the tone in his voice. Honestly, I hate worrying Seunghyun like this, after everything that we went through in Busan, he deserves some peace for a while. But I can't seem to get that dream out of my head, I can't bring myself to eat because the memories of it makes me sick to my stomach, I can't sleep because I'm terrified that I'll have to go through that dream all over again, and the worst of all, I can't talk about it because it's so much more than just a dream.

I felt that pain, I saw what it would be like to lose the center of my world, and its slowly destroying me. But that worst part of it is that I've been through that before, I've seen that before, same scene different actor. I can't lose Seunghyun like that, I can't go through that again.

"What happened in this dream Jiyong? Would you please tell us?" Jungsoo implores.

I shake my head "no, I can't"

"Please, Ji, tell him what happened, he can help you through this" Seunghyun asks, his voice teetering on the edge of desperation.

I bite at my lip "I lost Seunghyun"

"What do you mean you lost him? Did he leave you?"

I shake my head, feeling those tell tale signs that I'm close to crying "h-he died"

"How did he die Jiyong?" Jungsoo asks, but something in his voice catches my attention, causing me to look up and connect our gazes.

"Someone shot him" I say, my voice on the verge of breaking "He was shot in the head, then he started bleeding and fell to the ground"

"Who shot him Jiyong?"

I shake my head "I don't know, the only two people there was the two of us"

"Did you see him die?"

My lip trembles, and Seunghyun scoots closer to me, grabbing my hand "no, he fell to the ground and shattered"

"What do you mean shattered?" Jungsoo asks, scribbling down words quickly into his pad of paper "describe to me how he shattered"

I lock my jaw, a wave of frustration and anger pulsing through me. I don't want to relive this, I don't want to see this again... watching it happen the first time was torture enough "I don't want to talk about this anymore"

Jungsoo stops writing and glances up at me "just describe how he shattered, was it like a glass breaking? Was it like a mirror breaking where it shatters but doesn't break apart?"

I card my finger through my hair and pull at the strands roughly "I'm done talking about this" I say a little more forcefully than I meant to.

"Come on Jiyong, just describe what it was like" Jungsoo probes, not even bothering to look up from his pad this time.

Pure, white anger pulses through me, and I feel my muscles contorting from trying to control my instincts to lash out. Suddenly before I can stop myself or before I even know what's happening I jump out of my seat, grabbing the vase that sits on the table between us and hurl it at the wall, making it shatter into a hundred pieces, all falling to the floor along with the flowers and water that resided inside the once whole vase.

"There, he shattered like that, he broke into a million little pieces before I could reach him, he shattered and it's all my fault" I scream.

"Baby, calm down" the words whisper into my ear and strong warm arms wrap around my shoulder as if restraining me from doing further damaged to anything or anyone.

Jungsoo looks up at me calmly, nods and jots down a few more notes onto his yellow pad of paper.

"Jiyong, did this dream happen to feel familiar in any sense? Did you get a sense of déjà vu?" Jungsoo asks as if I hadn't just hurled a glass object across the room.

I breath in deeply and blink at him, wondering how the hell he knew that "yes"

"Did Seunghyun say anything to you before he shattered?"

I nod "yea, he said 'Don't look at me so sadly Ji, the pain will stop soon'"

"Have you heard these words before Jiyong? Do you remember anyone ever saying this to you?" Jungsoo asks setting his note pad down and leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

I gasp, then my eyes widen, because how could I have not remembered that? Even after I woke up from my dreams, even after I came back to reality, I never caught what those words meant, what those words were.... How could I forget the last words that my brother ever said to me?

My legs wobble and I'm glad Seunghyun had a tight hold of me or I would have dropped to the floor. "those were... they were.... Seungri's last words"

Jungsoo nods and gives me a soft look as I slowly sink to the couch, shaking slightly. Seunghyun pulls me against his side, while I curl up into a ball.

"Jiyong, these dreams aren't you watching Seunghyun die, not really, these dreams are you reliving Seungri's death, your mind is just replacing who used to be the most important person in your life with the current one... Jiyong... you're mind is finally starting to process Seungri's death"

"Why now? Why is this happening to him now that he's finally starting to get into a good place?" Seunghyun asks, rubbing his hand across my back in small circles.

"Maybe that's why, because his mind finally thinks he's ready to deal with it, that he's finally ready to start letting go"

I take a deep breath, finally letting my tears fall "I don't feel ready"

Jungsoo smiles sympatheticly "we never really are Jiyong, but I think it's time"

"Are you sure he needs to go through this?" Seunghyun asks, a small tremble in his voice, probably an after effect at my outburst.

"It's not about what I want, it isn't even about what he wants, it's about his mind, and from what I'm gathering... it's telling us it's ready" Jungsoo explains, an edge in his voice as if he's just as worried as Seung.

I sigh "my mind feels like a series of mazes, and at the center of each is a puzzle piece that creates a picture of a map that will lead me to the truth of what happened that night... I'm terrified to even step foot inside even one of those mazes"

"That's why we're here Jiyong, do you know why I've taken such a special interest in Seunghyun?" Jungsoo gives me a look as if he's about to share an interesting piece of gossip.

I pull away from the warmth and safety of Seung's shoulder and meet the intense gaze of the older man "not really"

Jungsoo grins sheepishly "because I knew that Seunghyun was going to be the key to unlocking the secrets inside your head, that he was going to be the one to open up not just your mind but your heart, and I needed to make sure that he's strong enough for what's about to come"

I blink at Jungsoo "you've been preparing him this whole time, getting him ready to deal with me when I fall apart"

He nods even though we both know it wasn't a question "we can do this Jiyong, together, we can get through this. With me piloting your head and Seunghyun your heart... We will be able to put you back together again after you..." he motions to the remains of his vase "well... shatter"

I take a sharp intake of breath "you knew this was going to happen"

Jungsoo sighs, looking apologetic "it's my job Jiyong, to help you piece the pieces back together, but you need to break the rest of the way before i can do that"

I worry at my lip for a few minutes, thinking over the therapist's words. I'm not upset or even surprised by his words, I'm just scared to open those floodgates. What if it destroys me to the point that there's no pieces left to pick up? What if I lose myself after we open Pandora's box and in turn I lose everyone I care about?

"Jiyong, there's another reason I think you'll want to remember" Jungsoo mentions, clearly giving it one final shot.

"What is it?" I ask feeling nervous.

Jungsoo shifts, then fixes me with a weighted stare "Jiyong, if we unlock what's in your head, we can finally figure out how Seungri died"

I swallow hard, my heart nearly humming at how fast it is beating. For so long I've avoided thinking about that night, for so long I've repressed those memories to the point where I can't even tap into them if I tried, but the need to know what happened to my brother burns so bright, I'm borderline desperate.

"Ok, when do we start cracking my head open?" I question in a sure and steady voice that even startles me.

Jungsoo smirks victoriously "I'll see you next week Jiyong"

✨✨✨✨✨✨

My chickens!!

I've missed you guys, it's really been too long, but I just couldn't seem to get my mind to focus.

Clearly though I pulled through and had a spark of genius, so here you go, a new chappie, just for my lovelies!!

I know this chapter is kind of slow going and maybe even a little short, but it is a necessary and important one, so I hope you guys read it well and enjoy it.

Oh, I have a question, would you guys like to read a BaeDae bonus chapter? Or would you guys like me to skip over their relationship and just mention what happens between them in a GTop chappie? It's up to you guys!! Let me know what you think!!

Until next time my darlings, I love you!!

사랑해💕

~M~