~Jiyong~

It's dark, too dark. I can't see where I'm going, I can't hear anything but the sounds of my feet hitting the hardwood floor and the rapid pounding of my heart against my ribcage. I don't call out for anyone, or try to bring attention to myself. I've seen this darkness before and what waits for me in it is something I refuse to bring out of it's hiding place.

Further down the hall, my hand roams on the sides of the wall, trying to find my way. Daring not to turn on the light for fear of being found. A cold sweat forms on my forehead, and my body shutters. I was freezing, scared, and i just needed to make it to the end of the hall, everything would be fine if i make it to the end of the hall... but i never make it to the end of the hall.

"You know you can't hide from me. You even fuck up at trying to stay quiet and you weigh like ninety pounds." That voice rasps in my ear, turning my blood to ice. "Since you seem to not understand that the people in this house need to sleep... you might as well give me something to do since i'm up now." He grabs me from behind and throws me over his shoulder, taking me somewhere, but I still can't see.

A few tears fall down my cheeks, knowing what was going to happen. I know better than to fight, its over quicker and it brings a bit less pain if I stay still. Plus he likes it when i fight, brings him more of a challenge, and i refuse to give him that satisfaction.

He sets me down on the ground and forces me to face him "You know, you think you would have learned by now... is it possible that your little faggot ass loves this? You do things to piss me off just so I can pound you into the ground?" his hot breath, tainted with alcohol brushes my face, making my stomach roll.

He throws me me down against something sort of soft, and i bounce slightly, making me realize that we are in the living room on the couch "wait, someone might come out." I say panicked. What if Seungri sees this? I can't let him see me this way. I start to push him away, hoping to God that for once he will give me mercy, and will let me go.

An angry, burning sensation blossoms over my cheek, when his hand connects painfully with the sensitive skin, then he pins me down with one arm "Good, maybe your brother should see. Learn about what happens to boys who are fuck ups like you." He snarls at me and pulls down my pants, then unbuckles his own.

I look away, not wanting to see this, I never want to see this. He flips me over onto my stomach and pulls my lower half into the air, tucking my legs under me. I tremble but stay as still as my body will let me.

I close my eyes 'it'll be over soon Ji, just breath and think of something else' I find my mind wondering and grasp at some memories to distract me, ones with Seungri, where we are so happy just being together, away from the rest of the world. This was always my happy place, i was safe here, where pain didn't exist, where warmth surrounded me like a large blanket and Seungri was here too, young and happy, the way he was meant to be.

A slicing pain rips me back from my happy place and a strangled cry leaves my lips, muffled by his hand covering my mouth. 'no, please, I don't want to be here for this, let me go back... I want to be with Seungri.'

"Fuck ups like you should feel the pain, you don't get to be loved tenderly, you should feel all of it, this is what you deserve" he hisses out at me, in between short breaths as he 'punishes' me."Look at him, why would he ever love you? You're nothing but a fuck up after all, and now he knows just how disgusting you are" he says harshly into my ear.

Panic sweeps through me, what is he talking about? Is Seungri here? Oh god did he see me like this. I pry open my eyes, which takes a great deal of effort, but I need to know who is here with us. I blink a couple times letting them adjust, and my heart stops, my breath catches in my throat, and I feel my body go numb. 'No'

Seunghyun stands across the room, leaning against the wall, a look of pure disgust and anger dusted across his face. He doesn't move, just stares into my eyes, holding so much hatred in his own. This wasn't my Seunghyun, this Seunghyun was darker, scarier. His eyes were black as night, like two pools of ink, staring into my soul, threatening to shred me to pieces. His body was skinny, to the point of being creepy, and the edges of his body was almost pointed, making it appear that he would cut you if he touched you. But the part that really made my blood turn to ice, was the half smile, half snarl his lips were set in, almost like he was enjoying the sight of what was happening to me. This Seunghyun looks evil, and he sends shivers down my spine and through my body, and i feel the need to shy away from this stranger in front of me.

"No" a loud, desperate whisper leaves my mouth, and tears start to freely fall down my cheeks "please don't look at me like that." I beg, staring into his cold, hateful eyes.

The fake Seunghyun chuckles darkly, making my skin crawl "He's right, Ji. Seeing you like this, you're nothing but trash, something to pound into and forget... It's true, Ji. You don't deserve to be loved." Seunghyun says, his heartless emotions never wavering and the room seems to grow colder.

My whole world stops. I can't breath, my vision blurs, and my mind races. How can Seunghyun say these things to me? I've never heard a single hateful thing come out of his mouth, and now nothing but that leaves it. Coming from Seunghyun, who's never lied to me, who I trust above all others ... could he be right? Was I not worth any of it? Was I worse than trash that deserved to be thrown away after use? Am I really just a fuck up like my stepfather says? But how can i trust this Seunghyun when he looks like this? How can i believe these words when my Seunghyun is no where to be seen?

Confusion clouds my coherent thoughts, my mind having a battle over reality and logic. I just want to close my eyes and curl in on myself. I want to be free of this nightmare, i need to be free of this hell. A whimper pulls from my lips 'this isn't happening, i'm going to wake up in my bed next to Seungri any second now and i'll be fine... please, let this be a dream'

Seunghyun laughs a sickeningly sinister laugh, making nausea sweep through my stomach, and for a second I'm afraid, I'm scared of Seunghyun. Afraid that he is going to hurt me... or worse "you're actually whimpering, like you're the victim here? I'm convinced that the victims are your family that had to put up with you all these years, look at you... you're weak, pathetic, disgusting even... you deserve everything you get, Jiyong. All fuck ups do."

My whole being screams at me to convince Seunghyun otherwise, to get him to tell me he loves me. To hear him say that i'm better than my step father says, and to pull me into his arms and take me away from this place. I don't care about what he's saying now, i don't care if this is what he really thinks of me... i just need him. "please, Seunghyun, this isn't you." I plead, wanting, needing to see that softness, that love in his eyes.

He chuckles bitterly "this is me, Ji. This is the real me finally seeing the real you, and you were right, it's disgusting."

My blurry vision worsens, and my brain goes fuzzy. Seunghyun pushes himself off the wall and walks over to me, his lip curled up in repulsion the whole time "why did I even waste my time playing with a toy that was already broken?" He spits and then starts to walk away.

"No" I scream "please, Seunghyun, you promised you wouldn't leave, please." I beg and try to move to go after him, but I'm held down still by my stepfather.

"See, i told you, fuck ups don''t get happy endings, this is all you get." my stepfather whispers in my ear, thrusting harder, forcing a piercing scream out of my mouth.

A scream like sob rips through my throat as I sit up abruptly in bed. I have to look around a couple of times, trying to grasp at reality. 'It didn't happen, it was a dream' i clutch at my shirt, panting almost painfully, blinking away tears, as cold sweat covers my whole body, making my cloths and hair stick to my skin.

"Baby, are you okay?" A familiar voice softly asks me, while an equally familiar hand caresses my arm.

I can't answer. Suddenly the dream comes back to me and I get a lurching sensation in my stomach. Already knowing what was coming, I jump off my bed and bolt for the bathroom, ignoring the splitting pain in my knee and head. I slide across the floor, stopping in front of the toilet on my knees and expelling every bit of the contents out of my stomach. I don't try to calm down, or stop my body from cleaning itself from all sustenance, in fact the pain in my stomach, and the burn in my throat are almost comforting. This pain centers me, helps me grasp at what is real, and clears my body of any confusion. 'I'm ok, it was just a dream, and I'm safe' i repeat my normal mantra i say after every nightmare, to help me grasp at the only comfort i can accept at this time... The truth.

After everything in my stomach is gracefully deposited into the bowl in front of me, dry heaves begin to rack my body. It's painful, but once again i can't stop it, it's like my body is trying to force out all of the pain and the remaining emotions brought on by the dream, along with the contents of my stomach.

A strong, but gentle hand starts rubbing circles across my back, while another pulls my hair away from my face.

"Baby, are you ok? Are you not feeling well?" That voice asks me again, that voice that still echoes in my head saying all of those heartbreaking things. The voice that told me i wasn't worth it before leaving me, like he promised he would never do. A confusing mixture of relief and anger sweep through me, making my stomach churn once again with the promise of more painful dry heaves.

I know better, it wasn't him, it was my subconscious that made up that messed up version of him... but I can't help myself. I pull away, despite my body being hungry for comfort, aching for his touch. I find words leaving my lips without even remembering them cross through my mind for approval. "You left me. I could forgive the things you said, but you left me." I tremble and my vision blurs with the threat of tears.

I hear a sharp intake of breath "No, Ji. I didn't leave, I'm right here, I promise... look at me." He try's to pull my face towards him but I refuse. "Ji, look at me." He says more forcefully and I finally comply, unable to disobey when he uses that voice.

Our gazes lock and I see what I have been craving. Resting in Seunghyun's eyes is that softness, that love I need. This man staring into my eyes, this wonderful, loving man is my Seunghyun. The man that rubs my back as i'm grossly throwing up into a toilet, the man who looks at me with concern and love even after i push him away, and the man who calls me baby and takes care of me. This was my Seunghyun, and i never want to lose him again, even in a dream.

I tremble slightly, then jump into Seunghyun's arms, wrapping mine tightly around his neck. "It was so real, Seung. You looked at me with so much hatred and disgust... then you just walked away." I cry into the crook of his neck.

"Shh, baby it was just a dream. I didn't leave. I'm right here. I could never look at you like that, I love you too much." He says tightening his hold on me.

I suck in a breath, 'he said it, he's never said it out loud before, and now he really said it.' "You do?" i ask, desperate to hear it again.

"Of course, baby. I love you so much" he says it, and I melt into him. This is what I want, no, what I need, this love and affection he gives me. The comfort of his arms makes me feel safe, makes me feel alive and happy. How could i ever doubt that this man loves me? I am perfect in this man's eyes, and he is perfect in mine.

"Seung, thank you. Thank you for loving me." I whisper.

I hear him sigh contently while he tightens his grip around me. "Thank you for letting me love you, Ji."

......

"Seunghyun, i want to take a shower. I'm all sweaty and i feel gross." i say after a few minutes of sitting on the floor tucked into each others embrace. "You can go back to bed if you want."

He pulls back and looks down at me unsure. "Are you sure, baby?"

I offer him the best smile i can manage. "Yes, i'll be fine." i hold up my hand. "see, no more tremors, and i stopped crying." i joke, but he still looks uncertain.

"I don't want to leave you alone, Ji. You just scared the living hell out of me." he admits, avoiding my gaze, embarrassed.

I sigh "fine, but close your eyes the whole time." i get up and chuckle at his confused face. I pull him up with me, and bring my heavy sweater over my head signaling him to look away as i finish taking off the rest of my cloths. I turn on the shower and wrap a towel around myself, waiting for the shower to heat up. I push my self onto my left leg to take some weight off of my right knee.

"Are you okay?" Seunghyun asks "you didn't hurt your knee again did you?"

I smile, of course he would sense that. "i didn't hurt it again, but i think the pain pills are wearing off."

"Are you sure you want to take a shower?" he asks, his voice laced with worry.

I turn to him and he's still looking away. I know I have to explain, but I hope he can take it. "After i have one of those dreams, i feel... violated all over again. I feel dirty, and one of my processes of getting over those dreams are taking showers... water calms me, makes me relaxed, and I feel less... tainted"

"So this isn't just a shower, this is like a form of therapy for you?" he finally glances at me, then turns red and looks away.

I giggle silently at his cuteness. "Yes, but usually i'm more messed up than this... one time i had a hallucination after a nightmare that was so bad i tried to stab my dad with my toothbrush when he came in after hearing me screaming at the top of my lungs."

"You have hallucinations?" he asks, once again glancing at me, too surprised to be embarrassed.

"Sometimes, when the dreams get too bad my emotional levels get too out of hand and my body starts short circuiting, producing alternative realities to cope with the ones i thought i was under in my dreams, then i wake up freaking out... but i've learned to deal with them, i have a system." i say and step forward feeling the water with my hand.

"You're being honest again." He points out.

"You're asking questions again." I counter, then sigh when his eyes find the floor. "Look, Seung, i know it's a lot to take in and you probably hate hearing about it, but i feel that you deserve the truth from me, all of it, even... no, especially the scary parts, because you need to know exactly the amount of screwed up you've gotten yourself into."

"You're right, Ji, it's hard to hear and to take, but not for the reason you think... I hate the idea of anyone hurting you, or touching you in ways you don't permit. The demons and the darkness that follows you everywhere you go, makes me hurt so much because i would give anything to make all of that disappear. I want to surround you in the most beautiful light and make your heart swell with nothing but happiness, but when i see you still carrying this weight around, it pains me."

My lips part, surprised to hear the words that just came out of his mouth, but i find myself more surprised by what falls from mine "Just love me Seung and the rest will follow."

His eyes shoot up to meet mine and he smiles lightly. "I love you, Ji."

I return his smile, but can't say it back, for some reason the words get caught in my throat "one day, i'll say it back, i promise."

He nods "i'll be waiting" then he looks away again. "Now get in the shower, you'll lose all of your hot water."

.....

"Here, now please no more jumping out of bed. You're lucky you didn't hurt your knee any worse." Seunghyun says tucking me back into bed, making sure that i'm surrounded by an unnecessary amount of blankets.

"Seunghyun, please you keep me plenty warm, just please get in bed. I need some cuddling." i whine and put on my best pout face.

He laughs but turns a little red, and i know i've got him. "I just want you comfortable, and i want you to feel loved... You deserve to feel loved, Ji."

My body freezes, i never told him what he said in my dream and now it finally clicks to why he's being so attentive. "What did you hear?" I ask.

He swallows thickly and stops his movements. "Meaning?"

"I know I talk in my sleep, Seunghyun... what did you hear?" I push, remembering the time I found Hwa Yun crying in my bathroom after I woke up from a pretty bad dream. She didn't tell me all of what I said, but I grasped enough to tell her not to stay in my room overnight any more.

Seunghyun scrunches his face up, like he hated recalling the memory. "Most of it was just mumbles about wanting it to be over soon and wanting to go back to your happy place, and some things about someone named Seungri, but I also heard some things you were saying to me" he mentions avoiding my eyes.

"Do you have questions?" i bite my lip, silently pleading with him to say no, because i'm not sure he can handle what i tell him.

He nods. "but I'm afraid of the answers."

I sit up more against my head board 'and you should be' echoes through my head, but i don't want him to stop asking questions just because the answers are hard to hear "ask Seung, you know I won't lie to you."

He blinks a couple of times, trying to form his question properly, I guess "In the dream, was your stepfather... was he...?"?Seunghyun stops, unable to get the words out.

I decide to be candid, no reason to beat around the bush anymore. "Yes, he was rapping me." I deadpan.

Seunghyun's eyes widen and his breath seems uneven. "And i was there?"

"Yes, you were watching." I say once again without emotion.

"What did I say to you?" He asks, starting to get choked up.

"You told me that I was disgusting, and that I was trash who didn't deserve to be loved, then you told me that you don't know why you wasted your time on a toy that was already broken... then you walked away from me, leaving me with my stepfather." I recite the words that are still burned in my memory, and I feel like I will never be able to rid myself of them.

Seunghyun closes his eyes painfully, like he had actually said those things to me while a singe tear rolls down his cheek. I reach over and brush it away with my thumb, hating that he feels guilt over things he didn't even do.

"You want to know what the worse part is?" I ask but don't wait for his reply to continue. "The worst part was your eyes, they were cold and full of pure hatred, they were completely void of all of the warmth and love they normally hold... seeing you like that, broke me in ways even I didn't know I could be broken in."

Seung opens his eyes and looks at me, staring deep almost to my soul. "I will never look at you like that, Ji. I love you so much, please believe me on this."

I smile and continue to rub my thumb over his cheek, then lips. "I know, I see that clearly now. That person in my dream wasn't you. I can see the love in your eyes now, and I see the truth there as well." I lean forward and press my lips to his "I believe you Seung and I trust you completely."

He breaths out a relived breath and rests his head in my palm, before he looks at me once again "Ji, can I ask one more question?"

I chuckle. "of course"

He breaths in a deep breath, seeming to gather his courage and suddenly I'm nervous "who's Seungri?"

>>>>>

Chickens!!

I hate to leave you here, but i'm a sucker for a good cliffhanger! Haha it's actually kind of hypocritical that i hate it when other authors do it to me, but love to do it in my stories, maybe it's a writer thing, we kind of love to torture our readers, go a little dark... make them beg, type of thing!! Anyways lets step away from the Fifty shades territory...The next chapter is going to be a bit emotional since i think you've guessed it involves Seungri's story and i want to spend a good amount of time on it and i wanted to get something out to you guys to appease your GTop needs for a little bit. I hope you liked this chappie, don't forget to vote, comment, follow... you little freaks know the drill!!

I love you guys!!

사랑해💕

~M~