~Jiyong~

Well here I am, once again, after all these years, after everything I've been through, this is where I end up, right back where I started.

I stare out the window in my room, watching the rain pat lightly against the window, the gray sky outside mimicking the numbness I feel in my chest. And yet still everything aches, pain pounds through my body with a resolved destructiveness.

Seungri's really gone now, and his absence is ripping into me. Once one wound is healed, a new fresh, deeper one takes its place. It feels like this knowledge, this pain of losing Seungri is slowly moving through my body and tearing it to shreds, exposing the parts that I didn't know could hurt. Slowly carving into me like a pumpkin, destined to be something terrifying and hallow once finished.

The sad part is I'm not despondent, I'm not a shell, though I feel empty. I talk when talked to, I sleep an acceptable amount of hours a night, I express the correct emotion at the proper times (excluding smiling or laughing), and I even eat when presented with food.

But all of these actions are done on autopilot, all of these actions are without meaning, without life.

They aren't forcing me to talk, though I know their desperation to hear the truth is only growing by the day. It's been a week since I've found out the truth and I just can't seem to find the words to say.

A part of me also doesn't want them to know, doesn't want them to be subjected to this awful truth. This feeling, this hell I'm going through, this hell brewing inside of me. How can I do this to my dad? How can I look him in the eyes, tell him how his little boy died, and shatter his heart?

I don't want to do this to him, I can't hurt him, I can't let him bare this weight, this pain. He's been through enough, he's always been so strong. How can I break him like that?

I close my eyes tightly and take in a deep breath. This isn't something I would ever wish on anyone, this is a plague that I've committed to quarantine myself with.

"Baby, are you ok? Do you have a headache?" Seunghyun asks, suddenly right beside me as if he has a built in Ji sensor, set to go off any time I show signs of physical or mental discomfort.

Seung has been my guardian angel this past week, he's tended to my every need, my every want, even ones I don't communicate out loud. Even last night, when his beautiful fingers were buried deep inside me, making me feel something other than pain and numbness for the first time in days. I never asked for it, I never even gave him some indication that I needed that kind of comfort, but he knew, he knew exactly what I was desperate for.

I sigh lightly and reach my arms out, much like a child would when they wish to be coddled. Seung chuckles at me, but complies to my request and picks me up, sitting down where I once was and secures me on his lap.

I burrow into Seung, letting his smell, his warmth sink into me, allowing me to take my first full breath in hours. It's been like this since we left the graveyard. It feels like I've just been waiting till I can get to Seung next, waiting for when I can feel his body against mine, his heartbeat syncing with my own, like he's the only life force keeping me alive.

"I feel like I'm relying on you too much recently, like I'm being too dependent on you" I say, expressing a concern that has been weighing on me.

Seung sighs and starts to rub my back "you need me Ji, and I'm here, there's nothing shameful in depending on someone"

I shake my head lightly, but choose not to argue on the subject "is everyone worried about me?"

He starts to rock us back and forth, a movement that has my eyes fluttering closed "yes and no, they are worried about you because they miss you and you seem so... sad, but they are also relived, because you're finally putting yourself back together"

"It doesn't feel like I'm putting myself back together, it feels like I've been shaken apart and none of the pieces fit anymore, scrambled to the point of being hopeless"

Seung chuckles abruptly, taking me back "baby, you can't even see it, and I know you hurt, the loss and pain are ingrained deep in your eyes, but you can't see the way you have put yourself back together, the way you have been slowly healing yourself"

I bite at my lip and readjust my head on Seung's chest "I don't feel like that, i feel like the pain is slowly flowing through my body, pinpointing the weak spots and ripping them apart"

"You know what stitches feel like, right?" He asks randomly.

I lift and eyebrow and lean back so I can look into his eyes, maybe trying to figure out what the heck is going through the boys head. I nod and wait for what could possibly come out of his mouth next.

"Well then you know that at first they hurt like hell, almost worse than the wound they're holding together. Like little daggers stinging and burning your skin" he says smiling at me with that stupid secret smile that I hadn't missed in the slightest "but in time the pain goes away, and the stitches did their job, you're back together and all that's left is a small scar"

"So I'm not breaking apart, I'm just being slowly stitched back together?" I ask sort of amused by this analogy.

Seunghyun chuckles "you'll be itching and complaining about not being able to scratch them in no time"

I roll my eyes, but a tiny smile pulls at the edges of my lips "how do you always manage to make me smile, even when i feel like i'll never smile again?"

Seung pulls me tighter against him "your smile is like sunlight for a flower to me, without it I'd die, and I'll do anything to keep its warmth"

I groan and smack his chest "quit being gross"

He snorts and kisses the top of my head "can't help it, it's just the way I am, love me or leave me baby"

I shake my head, a pout pulling from my lips "you know I can't leave you"

"Well then you only have one option love... You're stuck with me" he says in a singsong voice.

I sigh at my annoyingly cute boyfriend and tip my head back, kissing the side of his neck "I think I'll keep you"

"Awesome, because I really don't want to live with my grandma and Taemin again, I mean I love them... But...no" he says shivering in mock horror.

"Seung?" I ask, a sudden question pulling at the back of my mind, one I've been wanting to ask for a while.

"Yes baby?" He hums.

A sigh flows from my lips, carefully thinking about how to form this question "did you ever feel... Angry at Ravi? After he died, did you ever feel betrayed almost, because he left you behind?"

Luckily Seung doesn't seem upset by my question actually the amount of understanding in his eyes surprises me. Lately I've been noticing just how much Seung seems to grasp about how i feel, seems to really sympathize with what I'm going through.

"Yes, for a moment in time after he died, I was really pissed off at him, I asked the question of, 'why' over and over again and the more I asked this question, the angrier I got. I was so mad that he left me and without even having the closure that I craved for us... For a bit of time I was really angry, but after a while I realized that that anger was misplaced, I wasn't really mad at him, I was mad at myself, and I was just mad because I missed him and couldn't even tell him that"

"How did you get over the anger?" I ask pushing away the slight squeeze in my chest at hearing him talk this way about Ravi.

He sighs and leans his head back against the chair "I figured out that no matter how much anger I harbored, how much bitterness I managed to obtain... None of it will bring him back, none of that anger will make me hurt any less... I know it's easy to hold onto the anger and let yourself become wrapped up in the addiction of putting the blame on someone, but in the end Ravi was still gone and I still had to find my way without him, so I let go of the anger, I let go of the idea that it was anyone's fault, and I let go of Ravi, I moved on"

"How did that work out for you?"

He smiles and leans down bumping his nose against mine "I got you in the end, so I'd say allowing myself to let go of the anger and the grief worked out pretty well"

I smile lightly and shake my head "you're a hopeless romantic"

"Well, when you have the man of your dreams, the love of your life, and dare I mention the term soulmate, in your arms, you tend to put a great deal of faith in love" he says casually as if he's commenting on the weather instead of telling me that we are fated for one another.

I bite my lip and snuggle back against Seung, watching the rain outside the window fall harder than what it was before.

"I'm not sure I could have gone through this without you Seunghyun, thank you for not leaving me" I whisper, letting the rain play as the background music for my admittance.

Seung places a kiss at my temple "I'll never leave you, Ji. I promise you this baby, I'll always be here for you, we're in this together, me and you, forever"

I breathe in deeply, a feeling of comfort and abrupt wholeness filling me, as I sink into a wonderfully peaceful and beautiful sleep in the arms of my angel.

>>>>>

~Seunghyun~

"Has he said anything to you? Anything about that night? Or even how he's doing?" Hyun Suk asks me in a hushed tone while we are making dinner.

Ji's in the shower right now, but the little shit has the hearing of a bat, so we're trying to keep quiet while we talk about him "not really, he said something about feeling anger and that he's feeling a lot of emotional pain, but he's in mourning, those things are to be expected"

"So he really accepted Seungri's death? He's really let him go?" Hyun Suk asks in slight disbelief.

I nod, slicing into a pepper with a knife "yeah, and it seems like he remembers everything of what happened the night he died"

Hyun Suk sighs, and slices into a mushroom "then why hasn't he said anything? Why hasn't he told me what happened?"

I place the cut up pieces of pepper into the pan and turn to Hyun Suk "I think he will, just give him some time. Ji repressed those memories for a long time, he needs time to process, time to grieve"

Hyun Suk nods and hands me the bottle of oil "i know he needs time, i understand that, i know what it feels like to grieve, but i just wish Ji would tell me so we can put this behind us, so we can all move on together, put this fucking nightmare behind us"

"Agreed, i mean i'm all for a quiet moment every once in a while, but i miss my Ji" i comment discontented, putting a little more force into cutting the onions than i need to "like I actually made a comment about his jeans being too tight the other day and he changed" i throw my hands up slightly for added effect "he actually changed, i mean, seriously? Normally he'd just come up with some unique and slightly impressive way to say fuck off, but he's just kind of zombieing life right now and i miss him"

Hyun Suk chuckles and pats my shoulder "he'll be back to his normal self eventually, he just needs time, you know how that feels, to be so consumed by the pain of losing someone that every other function just falls to background noise"

I breath out roughly at the thought of Ji losing himself in that world "that's the sad part, i do know how that feels, but i also know how self depleting that can be, i know how it feels to throw yourself so far into the grief that it clouds everything and you don't even know what it feels like to be happy anymore"

"True, grief can be a very powerful and crippling emotion, but if you have the right people around you, the right amount of love with you, then you easily find your way through that darkness and eventually back to that happiness... Seung I've never seen my son happier than when he's with you, I've never seen his eyes light up so bright, or his smile radiate the way it does when he's with you, which is why i have absolute faith that he'll be ok, because he has an amazing man who loves him with an intensity i wasn't aware still existed in this day and age. I know he'll be ok, because i know you'll take care of my boy. Seung, i trust you with one of the most precious things to me in this world"

"Do you really believe that much in me?" i ask, voicing my doubt for the first time.

Hyun Suk runs his fingers through my hair affectionately "i do, son. i know the type of man you are, and i couldn't have picked a better one out of anyone in the world, to love my Ji"

A small shy smile stretches across my lips and i continue chopping vegetables, while Hyun Suk laughs at me and turns around to stir the contents of the pan currently simmering.

"What did you do to my boyfriend? Why does he look like a strawberry?" Ji asks startling me as he sits down at the breakfast bar in front of me.

"Nothing, i just gave him a compliment and he turned into a little school girl about it" Hyun Suk jokes, not even bothering to turn around to insult me.

I scoff "yeah, he gets all sentimental and i'm the school girl"

A sudden thump and a prickle of pain surprises me and i jump back, to find a smirking Hyun suk with a wooden spoon in his hand standing next to me. I'm about to retaliate when a small giggle fills the room, causing me to whip my head in the direction of the sound.

Ji sits with his elbow on the counter and his cheek resting in his palm, smiling lightly at us "you two are dorks" he comments, then twirls around in his chair and jumps down "i'll set the table"

As Ji scurries away, and Hyun Suk nudges my shoulder "see, he'll be fine, he just needs a good dose of normalcy and love... we'll get him through this, Seung. Ji will be ok"

I grin watching Ji move around the table, placing the silverware and plates where they belong, in the OCD fashion only Ji is capable of and think that Hyun Suk is right. Ji will be just fine, i'll make sure of it.

.......

I've been finding him here more and more lately, mostly at night when I wake up and he's not laying in the bed beside me. I'll find him here, kneeling on the floor in our bedroom closet, staring into the box he had with him the day I found him at that apartment.

Ji clutched onto that box as if his life depended on it till we got home, then he shoved it to the back of our closet. I thought that would be the end of it, I though that maybe it was just something he couldn't get rid of, something he just wanted to hold onto.

But I find him here often, in the same position, staring into the same box, with the same expression on his face. He looks so sad, but he looks so confused as well, like he's searching for answers this box has, but just can't pull them out of it.

The amount of time I've just watched Ji staring into this box, searching for something unreachable is kind of concerning and I'm starting to wonder if this is something I need to bring up to Ji's father or at least Jungsoo.

I sigh lightly and pull the door open further "baby, it's late"

It's always the same. The panic that crosses his eyes, the quick movements hurrying to shut the box, and even the slight look of guilt that encases his features when he looks up at me. This never fails to confirm Ji's behavior isn't normal, and it can't keep going forward like this.

"Ji" I say stepping into the large closet "baby, what's going on? This is the third time in the past two days I've found you in here staring into that box"

Ji lowers his head as i sink to the ground beside him "I don't know Seung, I just... I can't stop myself, it's like I'm drawn here, every night I lie awake in bed and it's like a force is pulling me in here"

"What's in the box, Ji?" I ask not sure if I really want to know the answer.

Ji shakes his head and looks up at me with wide pleading eyes "I-I can't Seung, I'm... I just"

"Shhhh it's ok, I've got you baby" I pull him against me, his small hand grasping into the fabric of my shirt and holding on tightly "let's just go back to bed, ok?"

I receive a tiny nod, before I pick him up in my arms and carry him back to our bed. The box forgotten on the floor, along with all its secrets only Ji knows.

The next morning the box is gone, like it never even existed at all.

>>>>

~Jiyong~

It's May now, the weather is warming up, and the flowers and trees have life flowing back into them. I sympathize with them, I too understand the want to revive yourself, to feel more than merely existing.

The want is there, but the drive isn't, a part of me feels like I deserve to feel like this, that I deserve to feel numb and lifeless. Jungsoo says its natural to feel this way, that this is a normal part of grieving, but I don't miss the worried glances he sends my father when he visits from time to time.

I've been having more appointments with Dr. Park lately, i guess they just want to keep an eye on me, but i'm not sure if it's really doing anything. I talk about how i feel, about the pain, but none of it does any good. I still feel the same, i still feel like i'm stuck on pause.

Sometimes I smile, when something is really funny or Seung is being a dork, I'll smile or even laugh, but it doesn't pull at me like it use to. There use to be this relief or happy bubble that would press inside of me when I laughed or smiled. I don't feel that anymore, I just feel this constant pressure and I don't know how to release it.

I'm scared it'll find its way out on its own. I thought my days of breakdowns and hallucinations where gone, and I'm so scared that they were just under the surface waiting to build up enough to finally send me over the edge. The last and final meltdown, the one that takes me down.

Jungsoo says I'm being too cynical and I just need to keep the good things in my life constantly in my mind and this feeling will pass. I told him exactly where he can put my cynicism, he smiled at that and said he missed that side of me.

Seung says it too, and I really didn't know how many people enjoyed my bitch side. It has to be some form of masochism to enjoy being told to go fuck yourself multiple times a day in numerous ways.

But in honestly I miss it too, I miss feeling that confidence, that power that I use to hold so eloquently. I use to feel so sure and right with myself, but now i don't even know what i feel. Sad, tired, maybe a little depressed even. There's only so many times Jungsoo can voice that these things i'm feeling are normal before i start to repeat this to myself whenever i'm having a bad day, or when i'm having a sad moment.

Hearing Jungsoo's voice in my head all the time only presents to piss me off instead of reassure my normalcy though. I think it's counter productive, Jungsoo disagrees... Jungsoo's opinion is invalid until further notice.

I'm finding myself becoming a bit restless lately as well. There's nothing for me to do but to pass the time and hope that this feeling, this perpetually stuck feeling that's dwelling in my chest passes with it. I want it to go away, i want to feel alive again, i want to feel happy, i want to feel something... anything. But something is holding me back, keeping me from moving forward, from moving on.

It isn't like before where i was denying everything and hiding the truth from myself, i'm not hiding from reality, i'm not running from myself. No, this feels different, like there's a literal wall standing in my way telling me i forgot something, telling me that there's still unfinished business. Something i need to do to move on with my life, something that's keeping me stuck in this frozen hell.

"Hey Ji, why don't we go shopping" Minji pops up next to me bringing me out of my thoughts I didn't realize I got caught up in.

I turn away from the window i had been staring out of in my room "sorry, what was that?"

She smiles sadly and pats my arm "I was just wondering if you wanted to go out with me, maybe pick up a new outfit or two"

I sigh and look back out the window "I don't know, Min, I'm kind of tired"

She sighs and pokes at my cheek "come on oppa, come with me, you know how boring shopping alone is"

I blink a couple times and turn to her "did you just call me oppa?"

Minji giggles and flicks my forehead "please"

I roll my eyes, knowing my resolve won't hold up against the power of my sisters stubbornness "fine, let me change"

She's jumps up and down excitedly and grabs my hand, giving it a couple squeezes "thank you, I love you Ji, you won't regret this"

"I already do" I yell after her as she tears out of my room at full Minji speed, rattling off plans under her breath.

I shake my head and walk to my closet, wishing Seung was here to protect me from the spawn of Satan known as my little sister.

>>>>>

~Seunghyun~

"Are you sure about this Seunghyun? Are you sure we need to do this?" Hyun Suk asks pausing with an uncertain hand on the door.

I sigh already seeing the look on Ji's face after he discovers what I've done, but push it away knowing that this needs to happen even if he hates me after it's all over "I'm sure, I'd rather be wrong and have him mad at me than do nothing and have him slip further"

"Ok, let's start looking it's in here somewhere and Minji can only keep him out for a couple of hours" Hyun Suk says finally twisting the knob and heading inside.

I nod, taking a deep breath and silently praying to whatever higher power I can that Ji still loves me after this "ok, let's do this"

>>>>>

~Jiyong~

"Ji, come on, let's just go get lunch or something" Minji try's again, giving me that panicked look I've been getting all day every time I suggested going home.

"No, Min, I'm tired, let's just call it a day" I say and shuffle up the stairs to the front door.

"Ji, I really think we should go do someth-"

"Minji" I break her off, already tired without hearing her fuss about wanting to stay out.

Why doesn't she want me to come home anyways? It's not like she's trying to keep me out of the house, right? I mean why would she even need to, it's not like there's something going on that they'ed need to keep me away...

My gaze snaps to my sister, who seems to be lost in her head, probably still trying to get me to come with her  "what's going on Minji?"

Her eyes focus, surprised and worried "w-what do you mean?"

Her falter is all I need and I'm inside the house and upstairs before Minji can even compose herself and yell after me. But I don't hear her and soon I'm bursting into my room, taking in my surroundings and settling into confusion.

"What's going on?" I ask breathlessly.

My father sits on my bed, legs crossed like he's been waiting for me for hours while Jungsoo and Seung stand over by the window seeming to have been deep in discussion before I interrupted.

"I don't know Ji, why don't you tell me" my dad comments in a strained voice.

I swallow thickly "I don't know what you're talking about, listen, I'm not in the mood to talk, I'm exhausted and..."

"Jiyong, son, I've been trying to give you time, I know things are rough for you right now, but Ji, I need some answers" my dad says, his voice taking on a distant effect, like he's said these words a million times but never to me "I can't expect you to understand because your not a father, but I know the way you loved Seungri, I know the way you saw him, raised him as your own. Ji can you imagine, can you even fathom what it would feel like to lose him but not know how or why?"

I take that in, feeling like each and every word is its own small fist to my chest "n-no, I never thought about that, but I do know how it feels to know the truth, how much it aches to know what really happened... I just wanted to protect you from this for as long as possible"

He nods, his eyes holding sympathy for my intentions "I know Ji, I know how the want to protect the people you love from something that will hurt them feels like, but there is some pain in this world, there is some heartaches that you don't get to decide if they should be felt or not, there are some truths in life that feel like hell, but they are also truths you have to feel. It's not your place to keep this pain from me, Ji, and you don't have to bear this burden alone"

A deep throb pushes through my body, an intense ache that lets me know that this is it. I can't do anything else, I can't keep this from him any longer, it's time to say the truth.

"I'm not even sure where to start" I say helplessly.

"How about, explaining the importance of this" he says holding up a box, the box.

My heart falters a beat and I freeze "w-where did y-you get that?" I ask, my words coming out a jumbled mess, mirroring my inner struggle.

"That's not really important here, Ji" my dad says placing the box on his lap.

But to me it is, because I know the only way he could have found that, I know the only way he could have even known about it. My gaze snaps to Seunghyun's, finding the guilt there that I had missed earlier, the guilt that devours his eyes.

"How could you?" I ask in a small voice, this betrayal offending worse than anything else at the moment.

"I'm sorry, Ji. This is the last thing I wanted to do, but this is destroying you, I... I couldn't stand by and let this consume you anymore" he's broken, I can hear it in his words and the realization that I've been doing this to him, slaps me across the face.

I can't say anything then, I just lower my head "it a box Seungri and I use to hide things in, things we wanted to keep to ourselves, things we didn't want found"

"Why is the box important, why did you go back to that place for this?" My dad asks.

My head snaps up, my attention caught instantly "you haven't opened it?"

My dad settles more on the bed "no I haven't, I wanted to give you a chance to explain everything first"

I take a slight step forward, edging closer "ok, i'll explain, j-just please, give it to me"

"Why is it so important for you to have the box, Jiyong? Is there something in that box that you don't intend on sharing, something you still mean to hide?" Jungsoo questions.

"Please, i'll tell you everything you want, but there are just some things you shouldn't have to feel if you don't have too" i warn, inching forward a little further.

My dad holds my eyes, seeming to weigh my words between a challenge and a good piece of advice. I mentally plead with him to listen to me, to see the reason in this. I'm protecting him for a reason. There are just some things you can't un-see, some things that permanently engrave themselves into your soul and pulse every once in a while just to remind you that you'll always carry this pain, that you'll always feel this.

It happens so fast i barely have time to think, in the seconds it takes for my dad to lift the lid an inch and for me to lunge across the room, slamming it closed, life speeds up but also plays out slowly, as if my mind is still playing catchup to my body.

The struggle of two grown men wrestling over a box, an old small, shoe box at that, would normally be a humorous sight, but this is in no way comical. This is just sad and desperate, a common theme ensuing itself into my life apparently.

"Ji, let go" my father says yanking his hold on the box in his direction.

"I can't, you don't understand" i say hoarsely, my vision threatening to blur at any second.

"That's because you never let me understand, Ji. You fucking keep everyone in the dark, you push everyone away and hide away from the world, so scared to let other people see your pain, afraid that if you let anyone near you, you might somehow hurt them too. You're not a fucking black hole, Ji!" My dad yells, then flinches, seeming surprised at himself for raising his voice.

I let go of the box quickly and step back, stumbling a bit, blinking rapidly at my father. For the past two years he's never once yelled at me, he's never once voiced his opinions of my actions.

"J-Ji, i'm sorry" he stands to reach out towards me, but forgets the box on his lap.

I watch it fall, seeming almost in slow motion, the loud sound of a heavy metal object hitting the floor slices through the room. It slides across the wooden surface, till it hits the toe of my boot and is forced to halt. I stare at it for a few seconds horrified, mournful, and ashamed all at the same time.

"Oh my god" is the first thing i hear, causing me to briefly close my eyes and sigh in defeat.

I slowly sink to my knees and pick the twisted metal up into my hands, holding it firmly. I finally have to recognize its existence. In the worst circumstance possible, have to actually accept this object that i'm holding in my hands.

The gun is heavy in my hands, cold metal pressed against my skin, imprinting it's temperature into my bones like a tattoo i loath but will never be able to get rid of or cover up. The shiny metal stares up at me, mocking me with the things it's seen, the things I've seen, the things i will never be able to forget.

"J-Ji, wh-...ho-..." my dad struggles for words and i finally allow myself to look up at him.

My dad has once again found a seat on my bed, but it doesn't seem like he took it willingly. His hand is places over his mouth in contained horror, his eyes saying everything his mouth fails to. i can't even bring myself to look at the others, i'm scared what i'll find if i do.

I lower my eyes back to the gun in my grasp and breath out a shaky breath "are you sure you want to know? Are you sure you want to feel this?"

I look up once more, and the small nod my dad gives me is all i need, before the words are falling from my lips as if they've been waiting impatiently in my lungs, waiting to get out and destroy everything in their path.

"I knew i shouldn't have stayed late at school, but i just couldn't bring myself to go home... that's one of my many regrets i have for that day and it had only just began..."

.....................

"It's starting to get late, you should go home, Jiyong"

I glance up timidly from the test i'm trying to finish, to look at my teacher, who's staring at me with something like bored annoyance.

"W-well, i-i just wanted to get this done" i stutter in a small voice, not wanting it to seem like i was challenging her authority.

She takes a deep breath "whatever you have done is fine, it's not like you're going to make valedictorian anyway"

I bite open the cut that had just started to heel on my bottom lip and nod. She's right after all, with my grades i'll be lucky to pass this year. I stand from my chair, trying not to noticeably wince as i do so, the bruise on my thigh throbbing from where my stepdad kicked me multiple times in the same area the night before.

"Come on, Jiyong, i would like to get home before night falls"

I nod and hurry as fast as i can to the front of the room "s-sorry teacher"

She rolls her eyes and snatches the paper out of my hands "you know, you might actually do better in school if you work harder, like try missing less days, or actually doing your homework"

I swallow thickly, knowing the reason none of that will actually happen, but nod my head in agreeance so she'll finally let me go and i can get home to make dinner for Seungri and me.

"I'll try harder teacher" i mumble, adverting my eyes when she looks at me.

She sighs out an exasperated sounding breath and waves me away with her hand "go home Jiyong, play your video games, or whatever the heck you do that prompts the bags under your eyes to darken so much they looked bruised"

I bite at the cut again, tasting copper this time, muttering out a "yes mam"  before turning around and leaving the classroom.

....

I take my time getting home, shuffling my shoes against the street, observing the scenery around me, it's not as pretty of a view as it is from our special place, but the city is kind of nice like this. Everyone's home for the night, sitting in their houses, spending time with their family's, leaving the streets deserted. There's an almost released quality to the city this way.

When i reach the apartment building, i hesitate outside the door, dreading the evening that awaits me, wondering how my misery could possibly prove me wrong in so many ways over thinking it couldn't get worse.

All too soon i'm staring at the front door of our apartment, appraising the wood for keeping in so many secrets, for always being one more obstacle in my way of freedom. I reach out for the door handle, when suddenly a piercing and heart stopping cry fills the silence of the hallway. My breathing stutters, and i'm frozen in my spot, unable to compute what to do.

I know who's scream that was, i know who's calling out for help, but my brain seems to be having a hard time weaving through the horror of it and can't send the signal to my legs to move. The next scream though, sends my body into overdrive, allowing me to rip the door open and haul through the apartment, it's only mission is to protect Seungri.

I burst through the room, throwing the door against the wall, internally snorting at how my mind  immediately cringes at what punishment will await me for that. But all the humor drains from my veins as i take in the scene in front of me.

Seungri, my baby Seungri is pinned to the bed by that monster, being taken against his will. I don't even let the shock filter properly before i launch myself at my stepfather, tackling him to the floor.

We struggle for a couple seconds, but then a heavy and very painful blow crashes into my already bruised rips and I swear I hear a crack.

His laugh slices through me, forcing fear to crawl up just when i need it the least. I tremble as he manages to get me pinned down on my back against the floor. Pain shoots through my abdomen and my arm, probably signaling that the stitches I had to get a week ago, have ripped open again.

I ignore the pain though, if I had to go back into the hospital, I can't imagine what punishment would be waiting for me when I come back, and I wouldn't be able to protect Seungri while I was gone, so I stay quiet.

"Look at little fuck up, trying to be a man for once, to bad you don't have the balls to back it up"  he smirks sadistically "if i didn't know better i would think you were a girl, but maybe my memory is a little hazy, we should check to make sure"

He goes for my pants, and i start to flail around, attempting to break away from his strong hold, but it's no use, he's almost twice my size. I feel my arms starting to give in, it's easier this way, it's easier if i don't struggle. At least it's not Seungri.

I had all but accepted my fate, when abruptly a loud crashing sound is heard, like something hard and breakable smashing against a hard surface. The bastard on top of me makes a loud grunting sound and falls to the side, letting go of me. I scurry away from him, backing across the floor quickly till my back hits the bed.

Glass covers the floor, large pieces that aren't enough to hurt anyone, but what the glass pieces were once apart of could, if smashed against someones head hard enough. I glance over to find Seungri on his knees behind our stepfather, his hands trembling. All the pieces come together in my mind and i blink at the boy.

Words fill my head, things of what i want to say, or questions i have for him, but all that falls from my lips is "i liked that lamp, Ri"

Seungri snaps out of whatever place he had been trapped in and looks over at me with large eyes. Shock written across his expression.

He runs from the room, in a slurred panic. I don't hesitate i get up and run after him, knowing where he's going. When i reach our room, the door is oddly enough locked, Seungri never locks the door. My fist pounds against the wood separating him from me.

"Seungri, come on, open the door" i yell, but receive no response. I take in a deep staggering breath "Ri, please" i pound harder, a flash of adrenaline laced fear pulsing through me "Ri, open the door" i yell, desperation clutching at me.

Still no answer greets me, though all I want is to get inside to the probably panicking boy on the other side "Ri, please lets talk, i just want to see of you're ok" i groan and place my head against the door "Ri, baby, open the door, please"

One of the most relieving sounds can be heard through the otherwise quiet house then. A small click signifying the door is unlocked.

I blink at the door and step forward, grabbing onto the handle and twisting. Oddly enough it releases and, i push the door open, revealing a room cast in tight shadows.

"Ri?" i ask, finally noticing him standing on the other side of the room, his back facing me, his still silhouette staring out the window "what are you doing over there kid? Come here, talk to me"

"I can't do this anymore Ji" he says barley above a whisper, but it is loud enough.

I swallow thickly, an alarm sounding in the back of my mind "i know, it's hard Ri, and i never thought he'd start touching you like that, and i'm sorr-"

"How long?" he interrupts me, his words coming out harsher than I thought he is capable of.

"How long what, Ri?" I ask, unsure of what he's asking me

"How long has he been touching you like that? He's only touched me twice now, and you found me and saved me both times, but what about all of the times he did this to you and no one was there? How long has this been happening to you, hyung?" He asks in a creepily calm tone.

I shake my head "that's nothing you need to worry about, Ri. As long as he leaves you alone, i can take it"

"You shouldn't have to take it Ji" he yells, turning around, his eyes angry and horrified "how could you say something like that? How can you value my life so much over your own? That's fucked up Ji"

"language, kid" i say, chiding him.

Seungri's eyes suddenly turn glossy and he starts shaking his head "I'm so tired, Ji"

I nod, giving in to the emotions trying to trap me beneath their weight "i know Ri, i am too"

"Ji? Do you remember the promise you made me?" he asks suddenly.

I lift an eyebrow "I've made a lot of promises to you, Seungri"

He almost smiles at that "the one about living your life even if i'm gone"

I roll my eyes, starting to get annoyed with this type of discussion. He's talking vague nonsense and i don't understand what's going through his head.

Usually i know Seungri forward and backward, but right now the kid might as well be a stranger, and it's starting to scare me "not this again, i told you, i'm not going to let anything happen to you"

Seungri reaches up and scratches the back of his head, a depressingly miserable look clouding his features "some things are out of our hands, Ji" he moves his other hand that i didn't notice hiding behind his back, finally bringing to light what he has in his grasp.

"Ri, what are you doing?" I exclaim loudly, halting in every non-essential function, my body freezing at the image of my little brother holding a gun "where did you get that?"

He moves the hunk of metal from one hand to another, seeming to be in some sort of battle with himself "you forget that I know where all of your hiding places are, Ji"

"Seungri, whatever is going through your head right now, please... Please just, let's talk about this" i say holding up a hand as if it's going to stop him from carrying out whatever messed up idea he has twisting his thoughts.

"Why? This is what you were planning to do with this right? Like this?" He says causally, like he's just playing with a toy, not fully understanding the meaning of his actions. Pulling the gun up to his temple, placing the end of the barrel right against his skin.

I step forward on instinct, wanting nothing more than to rip the object from his hands, and he makes no move to discourage me, but his eyes say it all, he doesn't want to be stopped and that thought alone makes my chest ache with an intensity i never knew it could "R-Ri, please, lets talk, ok? This isn't the way to handle this"

Seungri shakes his head, his eyes seeming to glaze over, like he's already disappeared, like he's already lost to me "this is the only way to handle this, Ji. It hurts, it hurts so fucking bad, I just want it to end"

I nod frantically, taking another step, my words coming out rushed and breathy "ok, we'll leave tonight, we'll disappear together, we'll find our own lives. We don't have to wait till I'm eighteen, it'll be fine, we'll figure it out, just please give me the gun" i say, my voice rising to a panicked pitch "please, Ri"

A ghost of a smile plays on his lips, and he sighs almost as if he's already given up, as if he knows that no matter what I say his decision will not waver "Remember your promise, Ji. Don't stop your world, find your own happiness, yeah?"

I shake my head, scolding tears clawing down my cheeks "no, Ri, you are my happiness"

This time he does smile, it's sad but at the same time almost seems relieved and I already know that this smile will haunt me forever "I love you, hyung, always"

I step forward hastily, my body trembling in horrified fear. My final attempt to stop this insanity, to get Ri to understand reason, to see that this isn't the answer... It's never the fucking answer... But...

...The sound of the gunshot pulsing through the room is deafening, disorienting even. My heartbeat stutters violently just before the muscle is pounding against my ribcage as if it were going to push its way out to keep from feeling the pain that is bound to come from this. The world seems to be frozen in this moment, my whole life, my whole being feeling nonexistent. My body numb and still, like its incapable of moving, incapable of processing.

Images of Seungri and me, moments play out in my head like it's trying to piece together how we got here, how this could possibly be happening right now. The scene in my head playing so differently than the one presented before me, reality seems to slip through my hands as if it were sand.

Seungri, my little brother, the innocent, pure little boy playing through my head like a beautiful movie, couldn't have possibly pulled that trigger, couldn't have possibly done such a thing. 'What have you done, Seungri?'

I don't have time to search for that answer though, to think about the why's of what just happened.

I lunge forward on autopilot, grabbing at Ri, before he has a chance to hit the floor. I clutch the boy into my arms, everything around us beginning to soak in a dark red, his lifeless body too still in my arms.

My fingertips trail paths up and down the boy's body, as if he's been injured elsewhere, as if I'm checking for cuts or bruises, ignoring the obvious point of injury "Seungri" i whisper "what have you done? W-why?" my lips tremble, and i pull Ri against my chest, crushing our bodies together like I'm trying to force my life into his, like I can bring him back with just my touch.

"Ri?" i scream out suddenly finding my voice, wishing so bad that he'd hear and come back to me.

I begin to rock us back and forth, shock pushing me into a dazed state, while I just stare at the empty vessel in my arms, his eyes glossy and just.. Gone.

A violent, horrified shiver claws its way up my spine, and sobs clutch my throat in a fight for space with air "Ri, please, please, i need you, don't do this to me, please" but once again silence meets me in the dark, cold room.

............

I blink rapidly, pushing back tears, and swallowing the tight knot in my throat, while biting at my lip to keep it from trembling "I had just enough time to hide the gun and push it into it's hiding place before the police arrived and even that's still a bit hazy, i think i just lost a whole period of time from the minute he pulled the trigger to waking up in the hospital. I'll probably never get those memories back and i'm not sure i want to... it's probably best if they stay buried" i say, opening my eyes, not realizing i had closed them.

My dad makes a rough choking noise and places his hand over his mouth in well deserved horror, a steady flow of tears soaking his face and shirt "b-but how?"

"How?" i ask, standing up and moving across the room towards my window, all eyes in the room following my every move.

My dad sputters for a second, trying to clear away the emotions blocking his ability to speak "There are so many how's, Ji. How did he even know how to use the gun? How did he know how to do...That with it? Or how did he even get it?"

I bite at my lip, desperately wishing he hadn't asked that last one "you're going to hate me for this, but he got it from..." i sigh helplessly "...from me"

"What?" my dad asks his voice rising an octave.

"Well, actually it's... The gun is mine, but Seungri found it and well i guess he just figured out the rest on his own... movies are really insightful these days" i say lightly, not meaning for it to be a joke, at least not a funny one.

"Wait... what do you mean its was your's?" he says putting emphasis on was, like he has no intention of ever letting me keep the gun.

"I bought it a while ago, probably when i was about fifteen, bought it off some guy who was looking to get some cash quickly, probably to buy drugs, but i never questioned him. It's generally a good idea not to ask the guy you're buying a weapon from in a sketchy ally, why he's selling it in the first place" i say with as much nonchalance as possible, hoping that these kind of questions will end soon.

"Why? Why would you buy a gun, Jiyong?" Jungsoo asks, his eyes boring into me as if he's on the cusp of an epiphany.

"Well Seungri and i have always been in sync with how we thought... the kid just beat me to it i guess" i say as emotionless as i can, knowing that that admittance is going to cause some damage.

"Y-you were... oh god" my dad breaths in deeply, scooting back his chair and placing his head between his knees "Ji... why?"

"I don't really know why i wanted to do it, there's not really any specific reason to why i thought about it... and i'm not even sure that i would have done it, but i just wanted that option, i just wanted to know that if it got too much, that if i found myself unable to go any further, i had the ability to end it, to end my suffering... but Seungri, he had a moment of weakness a moment of pain that he couldn't see through, that i couldn't talk him down from, a moment that he can't take back"

"You left the gun loaded?" My dad asks, too many emotions playing in his voice to pinpoint where this one is coming from.

"It was always loaded... i didn't just have my own life in mind when i bought the gun, i had bought it a week or so after the first time Seungri was sexually abused" i admit, afraid that this is what will get me the most judgment, the most disgust.

But when i look up into my fathers eyes, i see an almost understanding, and almost clarity that i never expected "you wanted to protect Seungri?"

I nod, something passing between my dad and me in this moment "i just didn't know what he needed protection from more"

"Ji, you weren't one of the things harming him" Jungsoo says "taking yourself out of his life wouldn't have done him any good"

I bite my lip, glancing down at the floor  "It might have, he would have gotten this life" I say motioning around the room "he would have gotten an amazing family who cares about him, and friends who are always by his side. Seungri would have really been happy here"

Jungsoo sighs "it's natural to feel that way, Ji, but you have to understand that Seungri was the one to give you this life, Seungri's actions were his own, and the reason you're living this life and not him isn't your fault... don't feel guilty for that"

I nod, deeply understanding his words, but a part of me will always wish Seungri would have lived instead of me. A part of me will always wish I could have given him this wonderful life I've managed to be blessed with.

I bring my attention to my dad, sighing almost in defeat "so, what happens now that we know everything? Now that the truth is in front of us"

My dad pulls in a large breath of air, clearly trying to gather himself together "well, we should go talk to the people handling the case, give them all of this new evidence and let them finally close the case"

I rub my thumb over the gun barrel absentmindedly "and that bastard? Will he be held responsible for any of this?"

"It's possible that he'll be brought up on charges for criminally negligent manslaughter, since the suicide was carried out because of his actions, but he definitely will be charged with sexual abuse against your brother since you've provided witness for it and... admitted to it happening to you" Jungsoo says, his eyes sifting from me to my father, then to the object in my hand as worry floods his eyes.

"Ji... Your interest in this gun... It's not just because you didn't want anyone to see it, or because you wanted to protect everyone from the pain it would bring... Is it?" Jungsoo says slowly, like he's talking someone down from a ledge.

"Seungri's gone" I say hollowly "he's gone and it aches so bad" I say my voice breaking over "my little brother, my son, he's gone and he's the one who took himself out of this world, away from me. I can't see him anymore, I know the person I was seeing was just a product of my own head, but he was still here, I could talk to him, touch him... Ask him the questions I needed the answers for, but now he's really gone and it hurts so damn bad"

I sigh and place my hand against the window hoping the cold will ground me. Hoping the cold will stop the throbbing of my heart.

"So you kept the gun, because it's your last connection to Seungri, it's the last thing that you have that holds a piece of him, something that could give you the answers you're looking for?" Jungsoo asks, breaking the silence created by my admittance.

I take a deep breath and lower my head to stare at the floor "I convinced myself that it was to protect Seungri, so he wouldn't be judged, so people won't see one bad thing and it will override all of the good, but it morphed into something dark... Something obsessive and I don't know how to let it go"

"Let us help you, Ji. Trust us son, please, it's time to hand it over, it's time to let go?" My dad says placing a hand on my shoulder.

"But what will I have left? If i let go of this I'm letting go of the last piece of him, then it's real, then it's final" i say with a pathetic waver.

"No, Ji. That's not the last part of Seungri" my dad says "this is, Jiyong" he places his hand on my chest, over my rapidly beating heart "son, you knew him better than anyone else ever did, he loved you so much, he made you promise not to give up on yourself after he died. Seungri it's a part of you, Ji, he'll never truly be gone because he'll always be right here" he presses against my chest as if trying to pull out my heart to show me the parts of Seungri residing in it.

"I see so much of him in you, Ji. I see so much of that lively kid who wants nothing more than to be happy in this world, a kid who has so much love to give to the people around him and someone who only wants to be loved in return. Seungri is here because he's a part of you Ji and always will be"

The gun slips from my hands, clattering to the floor in a loud thump. My knees give out on me just as a heartbroken sob retches from my throat from the deepest, darkest parts of my pain. My dad doesn't let me fall though, he catches me and pulls me against him, swinging his arm under my legs and picking me up like a child.

"I've got you, Ji. I won't ever let you fall, dad's here your for" he whispers carrying me to my bed, holding me tightly as I sob and cling to him like I'd break if I let go.

.........
~Seunghyun~

Jungsoo leaves a little after midnight, clearly he and Ji had a long talk. The doctor didn't look upset or worried, he actually seemed relived, like a scientist who finally got the result he wanted out of his experiment.

The only words Jungsoo leaves me with is "he's waiting for you, Seung, keep our boy safe tonight, yeah?"

I nod warmly and shake his hand before heading off to do just that.

I find Ji in the bathroom, sitting in a warm bath, naked and hugging his knees to his chest. I discovered a while ago his affinity for water and how it calms him down, so it's unsurprising that I find him here.

I smirk to myself when I get an idea and begin to strip down. I can see Ji eying me from the corner of his eyes, but he doesn't really move.

Sinking down into the warm water behind Ji, with my legs positioned on either side of his is easy enough, then I place my hands across his abdomen and pull his back tightly against my chests.

I place a simple kiss over the scar on his left shoulder and he visibly shutters causing me to place another one on the other side as an apology.

"Hi, baby" I whisper, not wanting to disrupt the quiet in the room.

Ji sighs and relaxes into me "hi"

"I love you" I whisper even quieter than before just beside his ear.

He sinks further into me and closes his eyes "I love you too, Seung"

"So you're not mad at me?" I ask in a carful tone.

He breaths out a chuckle "I was at first, but once everything started tumbling out of me and I realized that the truth was the thing holding me back, I became thankful to you" he laughs again in disbelief "how do you always manage to give me what I need? Even when I don't know way I need?"

I shrug and start to rock us back and forth "I know you, Ji. I know the deepest darkest parts of you... It's easy to take care of someone when it feels like your taking care of yourself"

"Do you really think we're meant for each other?" Ji asks wading his fingers through the water in an absentminded and almost childlike display.

I smile and hug him close "no two people can go through the things we have been through and not be meant to stay together... I feel that we were placed on this earth to find one another, Ji, we are the one piece we were always missing"

"But I was missing more pieces than just you when you found me " Ji comments, turning his head to glance back at me.

I smile down at him, placing a gentle kiss on his lips "maybe it just took one large piece clicking into the right place for the others to realize that they weren't"

Ji sighs contently at this and sits straight once again, leaning back into me "so do I need to call you my tectonic plate?"

My brows furrow "why would you?"

He snorts "because you're the shift that shook me up"

I just blink ahead of me and groan "oh my gods, I'm in love with a nerd"

Ji giggles "deal with it, you're not getting rid me me now"

My chest swells and I hug Ji tight "I've missed that sound"

He runs his hands down my thighs and rest them on my knees "I've missed you"

"I've been right here, baby. I've always been here" I say placing butterfly kisses down the side of his neck "I've just been waiting for you to come back to me"

Ji grabs my hands and laces our fingers together wrapping our arms around his body "I'm here Seung, I'm finally here"

"Always?"

"Forever" he says in such a definite tone that I have no doubt he means it with ever part of his soul.

✨✨✨✨✨✨

My chickens!!!

Here you go my little darling, here's the answers you've been looking for since it all started. You should know that this was the plan from the beginning and I just couldn't see it going any other way, so I'm sorry if you're upset about the way Seungri died, but it's something I felt I had to do.

And don't worry, this isn't the last chapter, I have a couple more, but they should all be light and fluffy and the BaeDae smut chapter you've all been waiting for will come too!!

If you guys have any questions or hell just need to talk after that hard of a chapter, I'm always here! Message me anytime!!

I love you guys!! So much!! *kisses and hugs*

사랑해💕

~M~