~Seunghyun~

Taemin holds me close to him, squeezing me tight as if he has no plans to ever let me go. I don't mind though, having the boy in my embrace after so long feels so incredible, and so comforting especially with everything going on.

"How's Ji doing?" He asks, his words muffled against my chest.

I sigh, knowing that if I try to lie, the kid will see right through me. Taemin's always been able to tell if I'm telling the truth or not. Even when we were kids, if I ever lied to grandma or any one else for that matter, Taemin knew. But he never said anything, he alway kept my secrets, even when he knew I could get hurt back when I was fighting, he never told a soul. Taemin's always been my brother, my best friend, someone I could rely on, someone who has always been on my side. I can't believe that I let someone separate us, I can't believe I let go of him so easily. 'I promise you Tae, I won't let you slip away from me so easily again'

I rub circles across Taemins back, an act I usually use to comfort Ji, but I think the familiar motions are more to comfort me this time "he's kind of rough right now, but he's strong kid, he's going to be alright"

Tae pulls back and furrows his brows, trying to detect even a hint of lie, but seems to find none and snuggles back into my arms.

"So I'd like to know, why my grandsons felt the need to hide what's been going on here in Seoul" my grandmother steps forward "I sent Taemin here under the condition that you two stay together, that is the main reason I didn't keep Taemin with me, so he could be with you Seunghyung... can you tell me why it is, that I got a call from a fantic Taemin last night telling me that he isn't allowed to come see his best friend and his brother at the hospital? Or why I had to hear from someone else that my baby Jiyong is even in the hospital?"

I sigh "there's been a lot going on, I didn't want to burden you"

My grandmother gives me a stern look "so help me Choi Seunghyun, if you don't tell me everything that's been going on, I'm going to beat the stupid right out of you"

I roll my eyes and pull away from Taemin, tucking him under my arm, so I can talk to our grandmother better "I decided to move in with Ji, he doesn't do well sleeping alone and I basically lived there anyways, but once the subject was brought up, Aunt and Uncle decided that I am no longer welcome in their family and that I was tainting Taemin, so they kept us away from each other, and I didn't tell you about Ji because I didn't want you to worry and I figured it would be to hard on you to come here"

The woman gives me a brief, almost too brief look of sympathy "Jiyong is my grandson now, if he is hurt or in need of support then I will come to him, I love that boy and there is nothing I won't do for him, don't give me the 'I didn't want to bother you' bullshit" My grandmother closes her eyes tightly and pinches the bridge of her nose, her agitation with me clearly rising "now, the 'you basically being kicked out and you two separated' situation... how long has this been going on?"

I shrug "a couple of months"

"Months?" She echoes in a incredulous tone.

I swallow hard and pull Taemin slightly behind me reflexively "yes, I didn't want to make things harder for anyone, so I let it happen, but I realize now that I should have fought for Tae, I just didn't know how"

The old woman's jaw tightens and she cocks her head slightly to the side "I'll show you, Taemin, call your aunt and uncle"

"B-but" Taemin protests "what if they take me back? What if they keep me away from Seung again?"

My grandmother crosses her arms "Lee Taemin, do as I tell you, don't worry I won't let this happen again, call your aunt and uncle and tell them to bring their bigot asses down here"

Taemin nods and scurries off to do as he's told, and I just stand there, trying to avoid eye contact with the heated woman in front of me. But her narrowed eyes stay latched onto my face and I shuffle my feet back and forth, hoping she'll waver in her probable attempt of killing me with her mind.

"Sometimes I wonder how you've made it this far" she says taking me by surprise.

I raise an eyebrow and finally make eye contact "what do you mean?"

She sighs "Seung, I love you son, but you are so damn stubborn sometimes, why didn't you just call me and let me handle things?"

I shrug "I didn't want to make this your problem, you've done so much for Taemin and me... I wanted to do this on my own, to prove to you that I could take care of Tae, just like you put your trust in me to do... but I couldn't even prevent him being taken away from me"

My grandmother places a hand on my shoulder "Seunghyun, I never told you that it was all on you now, that you had to take complete responsibility for Taemin. The only thing I ever asked of you was that you make him happy and keep him safe, though I'm sure the past couple of months have been a pain in the ass, I get the feeling that Taemin has gotten everything he's needed, even if you weren't there to give it directly"

I sigh and nod "I had ways of watching over him"

The woman smiles at this "baby, sometimes you have to let other people help you, there's no shame in reaching out a hand. It may be hard and I know you've been going it alone your whole life, but you have a boy in there who's fighting, fighting so he can live a happy life with the man he loves... don't you you think he deserves that life?"

I blink at her "of course he does, Ji deserves to be happy for the rest of his life"

She smirks "I'm going to let you in on a secret sweetie... so do you" she places her hands on the side of my face "but sometimes in our quest for that happiness, we have to reach out and let other people in, we have to let our loved ones help, because sometimes we can't do it on our own... And I'll tell you something else, asking for help doesn't make you weak, nor does it make you look like a failure, no asking for help shows just how strong you are to admit that you need others in you life, that you need people by your side that will be there when times get tough... your not alone baby, and you never will be"

I feel the hot wetness rolling down my face, before she even finishes speaking, then she's pulling me into her arms, embracing me tightly and pushing out any lasts bit of loneliness I've been harboring. I'm not alone anymore, and as I glance up greeted with the loving smile of Taemin and my new family, I know the old woman's words are true, I will never be alone again.

..................

Not even an hour later my grandmother, Taemin, my aunt, uncle, and I, sit in the waiting room. We sit around a table, exchanging awkward glances and wondering what the older woman has to say, all while trying to avoid each other as much a possible.

The old woman clears her throat, placing her folded hands on the table as if she's holding a meeting and is about to talk about business "ok, This is how everything is going to go down, I am going to sell the house in Busan..."

"What?" I cry "grandma you can't, you love that house, grandpa built that house for you"

The woman turns to me "don't tell me what I can and can't do you little brat, besides that house is way too big just for me now, and I'm getting older... It's just time to let it go" she says, more to me than anything "now like I was saying, I'm going to sell the house, then I'm going to move here to Seoul, get a small apartment and Taemin's going to move in with me and this will be the end of all of this stupidity that seems to follow this family around like a starving dog looking for food"

My aunt sighs "i think Taemin will be better off with us, we are just looking out for his best interest"

"My best interest is to be with my brother, if anyone's the bad influence it's you, all you guys do is spread around your hateful ideas and views of the world, I don't want to live like that, where I'm constantly judged and made to feel like I'm a monster" Taemin says, finally getting to express how he feels about the situation.

"Taemin, son, we never wanted you to feel like you're a monster, we just want you to be aware of the sin you're starting to head towards" my uncle explains.

Taemin shakes his head "just because I prefer a dick up my ass, doesn't mean I'm the spawn of satan"

My aunt gasps and covers her mouth "see, this right here is exactly why Taemin should stay with us, we will save him from the perverse life his older brother is living"

The older woman slaps her hand on the table to get everyone's attention "that's enough, you can believe full well what you want, go ahead and hold your values and morals and all of the other shit your religion tells you to, but don't for a second talk about my grandsons that way... I've seen the way Ji and Seunghyun look at each other, I've seen the love in their eyes and let me tell you nothing about what those two share is perverse or wrong, it's beautiful and everything I've ever wanted for my boy" she places her hand over mine, giving it a quick squeeze "when it comes to choosing what's right and what's wrong, I'd choose the thing that makes my grandson happy over what a silly little book says any day"

"It's not a silly little book mother, it's the word of God and Taemin will live a pure life if he just follows its teaching, we've actually filled out a couple applications to some Christian schools for the beginning of next year, he'll have a normal life if he just finds the light of the lord and we know he can find it there" my aunt pushes again and my grandmother blinks at her as if she's crazy, but my aunt takes it as if she's convincing the older woman "now, we need to pull Taemin out of dance so he can focus on bible stud-"

My grandmother laughs, and holds up a hand, stopping the woman in her tracks "I'm sorry, but you're acting like you actually have a say in what happens to my grandson from here on out"

"Mother" my uncle chides my grandmother for speaking rudely, which only presents to piss her off more.

"Don't 'mother' me, last time I checked I am still the legal guardian of Taemin and what happens to him is my concern and mine alone... well besides Seunghyun's, but still, this is not a discussion, this is me telling you what's going to happen, Taemin is coming with me and he is no longer your responsibility" my grandmother finishes and gives everyone a particularly pointed stare, making it clear that no room for argument is available "good, now that that's settled, how about we go get some lunch, I'm feeling some noodles"

I smile and sit back in my chair, watching as my aunt and uncle make their way out of the waiting room, without even a single glance back at us "just bring me back some"

My grandmother looks as if she wants to argue, but decides against it, knowing this is one thing I won't budge on "well looks like it's just us" she says to Ji's parents, who look at her with nothing short of praiseful respect, and wraps an arm around Tae's shoulders.

"Actually nan, I would like to stay here with Seung, if that's alright" Taemin gives her the puppy eyes, while she mules it over, but we all know she can't say no to that face.

"Fine, it'll probably be a good idea for us to become acquainted anyways, we'll be in-laws soon, right?" she says, grabbing Hwa Yun's hand, making the younger woman's eyes light up, while an equally bright grin takes over her lips.

"We'll be back soon Seung, call us for anything" Hyun Suk says, then they all walk to the elevators, and disappear with an easy conversation taking them over quickly.

"I'm not sure weather to admire or fear that woman" Taemin says, sitting down next to me.

I bark a laugh and pull the boy against my side "both Tae, you should defiantly do both"

>>>>

~Jiyong~

"I'm starting to wonder if this should continue" Dr. park says sitting quietly on the other side of the room, with his legs crossed in his normal sophisticated manor.

"What do you mean?" I ask, my head shooting up at these words, absentmindedly petting the fur of little Seunghyun for comfort.

Dr. park sighs "Ji, I thought this would have been easy, that all I had to do was ask the right question, get the answers, crack into your head, and then start putting it back together... but the further I'm getting into your head, the more I realize how wrong I was, and just how deep all of this really goes"

"No" I call out I a panic "you can't stop, Jungsoo, please, you can't stop now"

"Why is this so important for you Jiyong? Why do you have to find out what happened right now?" He asks giving me an almost confused sort of expression.

I sigh "I told you, I'm tired of being slowly torn apart, I need to rip off the metaphorical band-aid, I need to know"

Dr. apart shakes his head "no, Jiyong, there's something else, something you're not telling me, why is this so important to you?"

My hands start to tremble, so I grab onto the bed sheets to ground myself "there's nothing, I just need to know"

"Jiyong, you need to be honest with me if I'm going to help you" Dr. Park comments, his clear exhaustion showing through the normal professional facade.

I shake my head "please just except the answer I'm giving you, why is the reason important anyways?"

"Because Jiyong, if there is something else I don't know, something that could be an important part to this puzzle, or even an important clue to how to get into your head I need to know, or if there is a hidden reason that could mean we are doing more damage than good, then as a doctor I need to stop this"

I'm shaking my head before he's even done speaking "please, just accept my reason, please just understand that I need to do this and that's all that matters"

Jungsoo presses his lips into a dissatisfied thin line "this worries me more now, Jiyong I need to know what you're hiding, I need to understand what is going on in your head before I finish cracking it open"

My lip trembles, causing me to grasp it between my teeth, keeping the traitor hostage. My speaking ability is cut off due to the large lump threatening to break any second, so I just continue to shake my head.

Dr. Park sighs frustrated "Jiyong, please, I need you to tell me why you wanted this, I need you to be honest with m..." he takes a deep breath clearly pushing down the urge to raise his voice "if it's important enough to keep from me, then it's important enough for me to know"

"I ca-" my voice breaks, my eyes starting to water "I can't"

"Ji" Jungsoo snaps "you have to tel-"

"Because I'm falling apart Jungsoo, I can't even sleep a couple of hours without being haunted by his face, I can't sleep with out reliving all of the terrible things he's done to me..." Hot angry tears begin to roll freely down my cheeks.

"Do you know what it feels like to have someone's hands on your body without your permission? To have their fingers trailing over your skin while your head is screaming at you that this is wrong, that you don't want this and it's almost painful how disgusted you are not only with the person touching you but with yourself because you can't do anything to stop it? Do you know how many times I've crawled into a ball after he raped and beat me, wishing that God would grant me the pleasure of going to sleep and never waking up? I can't keep falling asleep, remembering all of those terrible things, and then waking up to a loving and amazing man, whom I can't even touch or let touch me because I'm so scared and ashamed that it physically hurts to even think about being touched"

I shake my head, closing my eyes "I'm in so much pain Jungsoo, I need it to go away... or I'm.. I'm worried I might do something, I'm scared that in a moment of weakness, in a moment of fear I might do something that I can't take back"

I short gasp fills the heavy silence I left wavering through the room "...Jiyong... have... have you been having suicidal thoughts?"

A sob racks my body and I open my eyes to find the world blurry "I... please Jungsoo... please just don't stop... I want to live... I don't want to leave behind everyone I love, I don't want to lose them, please" I sob once more, and I feel Jungsoo's hand on my arm.

"Ok Jiyong, it's ok, I won't let you give up on yourself, you are going to keep fighting do you hear me?"

I look up at him feeling pathetic, but I can't seem to find the words to agree with him, all the comes out of my mouth is a choked sob, and I close my eyes and let the fear take me over, swallowing me whole into a world filled with my demons all whispering 'end it, end your pain'

...............

I awake, what feels like days later, but looking around noticing those same bleach white walls staring back at me, seeming to taunt me with the though of 'you're losing it Jiyong, you're never getting out of here now' lets me know that it's only been a short time.

I sigh frustrated and roll over, prepared to find someone resting in the chair beside the bed, sent to babysit me after my most recent breakdown, but instead I find an empty chair. I sit up abruptly glancing around the room, taking notice that I'm actually alone. The room in nearly pitch black besides light coming in from the window.

I swallow thickly, not particularly enjoying being by myself in the dark, I go to reach back for the button on the wall to get Jonghyun or even Key to come in and keep me company.

Before my finger can reach the button a voice reaches my ears instead, a voice I haven't heard in a long time, a voice I could have gone my whole life without ever hearing again. My blood runs cold and my heart nearly stops beating in my chest.

"I wouldn't touch that button if I were you... little fuck up"

>>>>

~Seunghyun~

I awake to the sound of screaming, a blood curdling, eardrum bursting scream. My eyes shoot open and I jump out of my seat, prepared to defend Ji from whatever is hurting or scaring my precious baby.

I find him huddled in the corner of the room, his hands over his head, producing another scream that takes my breath away. The door opens behind me and Jonghyun rushes in followed by Key.

"What's going on?" Jonghyun asks slowly approaching Ji, who is still curled into a tight ball on the floor, rocking back and forth, seeming lost in his own world.

I shake my head, my eyes not leaving the mess of boy in the floor "he was sleeping and I dozed off for a couple of seconds, but I was woken up by this... I-I don't know what happened"

Jonghyun reaches out for Ji, but he just curls further against the wall "no, don't touch me" Ji screams.

Key sighs "do you think it's a hallucination?"

Jonghyun nods "yeah, his eyes aren't focusing on anything"

I sigh and step around the bed "should I try? I've brought him out before"

Jonghyun and Key glance at each other, seeming to have an entire conversation telepathically "ok, give it shot" Jonghyun says, standing up from his crouch and moving out of my way.

"Ji" I coo in a soft voice "baby, it's me Seunghyun, come back to me baby, I'm right here"

Ji shakes harder the closer I get to him, but I keep edging forward, hoping that maybe if I can just touch him he'll pull out of this "please, please don't hurt me" Ji pleads, tucking his head into his knees.

"Baby" I call out to him, reaching my hand for his arm "I won't hurt you, I promise, I won't ever hurt you"

Ji whimpers and lifts his head again, seeming to focus his eyes on me "S-Seung?"

I smile warmly at him, relief flushing through me "yes baby, I'm right here, you're safe"

Ji's trembling increases "no Seung, he's still here, it's not safe, please you have to leave before he hurts you too"

I shake my head "no one is getting hurt Ji, I promise, I will protect you"

Ji's lip wobbles before his words scream through the room in a form of a whisper "that's the funny part isn't it, we always try to protect the ones we love, but it's us who end up hurting them the most in the end"

I sigh and brush my fingers against his arm "some things are out of our hands Ji, something's we can't protect people from no matter how hard it is to watch them go through hell, you just have to realize that you weren't the one that condemned them"

Ji's eyes start to sparkle with unshed tears "Seung, my brother... My baby brother... He-" his sentence stops and he stares wide eyed at something behind my shoulder, once again curling himself into a tight ball "no, please, please, just leave me alone"

I reach out and pull Ji to my chest just as he starts screaming again, I hold him tight, trying to keep him from flailing around and hurting himself. Jonghyun comes up to me and places a hand on my shoulder, motioning for me to move Ji so they have better access to him.

A shot in the arm and a carefully executed maneuver later, I have Ji in my arms on the bed, while he's fast asleep. The sedative that they gave him working thoroughly. I hold Ji close and rock us back and forth, humming to him, nothing really in particular, just humming to fill the silence.

"I was thinking today, about what our house will look like after we get married. Knowing you, it'll have a library and a large closet in our bedroom. Do you think we should put in a big kitchen, I mean I know you don't really cook much but once we have kids that'll change, right?"

Ji sighs "I want..." He takes a huge drowsy breath "I want a huge kitchen, that way we can alway have people over, and we can cook and have parties, and birthday parties for the kids"

I chuckle and think 'maybe we should get some of this sedative stuff, Ji usually never wants to talk about this stuff' "you want kids?"

Ji snuggles closer to my chest "I want two kids, one isn't enough and three is just to much, so two is perfect"

A grin finds its way to my face "two is perfect, I agree, do you want to adopt or surrogate?"

"Let's adopt, let's give kids who don't have a home one"

I nod "whatever you want baby"

Ji hums contently "Seung?"

"Yes baby?"

"We're going to be happy, right?" He asks, his voice starting to lower and I know he's falling asleep.

"Of course Ji, we'll be that really annoyingly happy suburbs family, that wears matching sweater vests, drives a mini van, and goes on boring family vacations... We'll be really happy, I promise you that"

I feel Ji grin into my chest "I love you"

I chuckle "I love you too baby, always"

I hear a faint "forever" whispered into my chest, just as the door opens.

"Seung, your time is up" Jonghyun comes in, giving me a sympathetic look.

I nod and glance down at the boy in my arms "I won't be far baby" I kiss his temple and lay him down on the bed, then walk to the door, giving him one last glance before making my way back to the waiting room.

............

It's quiet in the small waiting room, everyone went out for dinner, except me of course, I can't bring myself to leave, even when I know Ji will be fine without me. He's getting discharged tomorrow morning, but it feels like years away. I want to be able to hold him in my arms again without worrying about when my time will be up, or know how he's doing without receiving the information from nurses. Even though I'm allowed to see him, I still miss him like crazy, and I just want to take him home.

And more importantly this time alone gives me time to think, and time to think means nothing but doubt and worries seep into my mind, clouding it with nothing but darkness and chaos. Especially after everything that Ji and I just talked about, I know I shouldn't take everything that he says seriously since he wasn't exactly coherent, but I can't help but want that for us.

I want that happily, simple life, I want all if that, the kids, the house, and even the mini van. But part of me worries that we'll never get there, that people like Ji and me don't get that type of ending.

"You look awful" a voice says interrupting the deep silence of the room, and my cycled brooding thoughts.

I glance up and see a thin, almost western looking boy, with large, round eyes. He has blond hair and an almost adorably wide smile on his face. He's cute in a pretty sort of way.

"Uh... T-thanks?"

He laughs and it's almost melodic "do you have someone in there?" He asks pointing at the large double does that I've quickly began to hate even the sight of.

I nod "my boyfriend, Jiyong"

The boy squints as if remembering something "the blond boy, who's kind of a diva?"

I chuckle "that's the one, have you seen him around?"

The boy nods, grinning so widely it almost looks painful "he's come out once or twice, my boyfriend is kind of fascinated by the fact that he's a mess, but still manages to look like a runway model"

I snort "that's Ji, I don't think he ever misses a beat... But wait, you have a boyfriend on the ward too?"

The guy nods and taps his chin "Yeah, he's been here for almost six months"

My eyes bulge to embarrassing proportions, but luckily i manage to riel in the gasp that tried to escape as well "wow, that's a long time, you have to be a really good boyfriend to stay by his side through something like this"

The boy shrugs "I know what it's like, it wasn't that long ago that I was in there myself"

"You? Really? What for? If you don't mind me asking"

The boy smiles as if this isn't a new question to him "it's alright, I don't mind, actually one of the keys to recovery is talking about it, but I was actually in for an eating disorder"

My eyebrows raise, and my gaze unintentionally does a once over of his body to which I immediately look up with apologetic eyes.

He laughs and waves it off "don't worry, I'm use to it, now it just gives me a reason to be proud of how far I've come, I'm healthy now and happy too, so in unashamed of how I look"

I smile, feeling an odd sense of pride for the boy even though I just met him "so your boyfriend is on the ward?"

He nods "schizophrenia, basically he never grew out of the imaginary friend stage"

My mouth makes an 'o' shape and I sigh "that must be hard"

The boy shakes his head "not really, people think that just because his mind works a different way that he's less of a person, when in reality I've had some of the deepest and most intelligent conversations with him than I have with a person without a mental disorder"

I blink at him "but aren't you worried that you'll be fighting the demons in his head for the rest of your life? That the person you go to sleep beside isn't the person you wake up next to, and that even though you love him, you don't know if you're enough for him?"

He chuckles, but it has a sad undertone "I use to worry about things like that, but one day he told me something that I'll never forget and I always carry with me... He said 'babe, the glitch in my head has nothing to do with the beating of my heard,' basically meaning, that no matter what's going on in his head or what he's going through, he'll always come back to me and he'll always love me"

I smile lightly and letting these words process in my mind, but don't get to long, when the boy speaks up again.

"Listen, I can tell that you and your boyfriend are going though hell right now, but I'm going to let you in on a secret... If you keep pushing forward, you'll find an exit... Loving someone with a mental illness isn't always easy, but once you figure out that their hearts work just as well if not stronger than anyone else's, fighting that battle suddenly becomes a little easier"

I smile fondly at the boy in front of me, instantly deciding that he's someone I wouldn't mind knowing "I like you"

The boy laughs playfully "woah man, I have a boyfriend, just because he's on a mental ward doesn't mean you can take advantage of that"

I roll eyes and snort "well your loss, I'm talented with my hands, just ask my boyfrind, who's also on ward"

The guy barks out a laugh "we should get coffee sometime and exchange war stories"

I nod "I'd like that, but know I don't put out on the first date"

He smirks and starts to walk away "noted"

"Wait" I call after him "what's your name?"

The boy turns around and begins walking away backwards "Mark, yours?"

"Seunghyun... I'll see you around Mark"

He nods "but hopefully not back here"

I breath out a rough sigh "agreed"

He offers me one last gummy grin, then disappears around the corner, and out of my sight as if he was a figment of my imagination, or maybe even a guardian angel sent to offer me some advice that I was in desperate need of hearing.

Whatever he was, I'm glad I met him because he gives me hope, he gives a little sliver of light through this darkness that has surrounded every crevice of our lives. Because if they can make it, then so can we.

>>>>

~Jiyong~

"Look who's up" Key comments in an annoyingly loud voice as I shuffle out of my room.

I groan and wipe my hand across my face, feeling like I just came out of a coma "do you ever tone it down?"

"And I see you brought your bitchy attitude with you" he chuckles typing away at his computer just as he always is.

"What do you even do on that computer? Please tell me you're not tumblr famous or something like that" I grumble, searching through the small cooler beside the nurses station for a Popsicle or maybe something chocolate.

Key snorts "you know I actually do my job, i know, I make it look like I'm not putting in effort, but that's just how good I am"

"And you still manage to find the time to cart around that overinflated ego of your... That's impressive" I comment, finally finding a fudge pop at the very bottom of the cooler.

A loud screeching laugh is heard to my left, prompting me to jump and almost drop my ice cream. I turn with an accusing glare to the person, who just holds his arms up and smiles at me, still giggling.

The boy has dark hair and an almost dark complexion, one that would be perfect for an idol, stands before me, grinning away as if he has found a friend he lost touch with.

"Ugh... Hi?"

The boys eyes light up as I speak to him and his grin gets wider-if that's even possible- and he steps forward, with his hand outstretched.

"Jackson, Jiyong has a touching thing, keep to yourself" Key says reprimanding the poor boy-Jackson.

His face falls, and he lets his hand drop back to his side "sorry, I got excited" he says in slight accented Korean.

I nod "it's ok, uh, I'm Jiyong"

He smiles again but not to the intensity as last time "I'm Jackson... Oh and this is jellybean, but you can call him JB, he's shy, that's why he's not talking"

I blink at the boy as he gestures to the floor, void of an sign of a presence "ugh, it's nice to meet you both"

Jacksons face lights up once again and giggles looking down at my feet "he likes you"

I raise an eyebrow and nod "I like him too, he nice...wha-what is he?"

Jackson look up seeming unfazed by the question "he's a chicken"

I bite at my lip to prevent the giggle that wants to spring out, and quickly compose myself "I've never met a chicken before, I feel honored"

Jackson bends down and proceeds to move as if he's picking something up and holds his arms like he's carrying a baby. He stands there for a second petting his imaginary chicken named Jellybean-or JB- then looks up at me expectantly.

"Um, do you want ice cream?" I ask pointing to the cooler behind me.

Jackson nods enthusiastically "something cherry please"

I bite at my lip and start rummaging through the cooler until I find a red popsicle and hand it to him, then suggest to go sit down in the small reck room, to which he happily follows me like a puppy, still holding on tightly to the imaginary chicken.

We sit down at a table and stare at each other for a couple of seconds before I feel uncomfortable in the prolonged silence "so, Jackson, what are you in for?"

Jackson snorts "you make it sound like we're in prison"

I raise an eyebrow and sit back in my chair "aren't we?"

Jackson smirks and sits back "well be honest with me... Can you see Jellybean?"

I shift in my seat "no"

Jackson nods "exactly, what about you?"

I laugh "I'm classified as a trauma case caused by past abuse... Nothing special"

Jackson tilts his head to the side "just because your case isn't unique in definition standards doesn't make your pain any less valid, you went through something awful, you're allowed to feel pain through that"

I chuckle "were you sent by Dr. Park?"

Jackson smiles and shakes his head "no, I've just been in and out of therapists since I was a little kid, and after a while you kind of learn the ropes on human nature and how people feel"

I breath out a short laugh "so what? You want to get inside my head?"

Jackson smiles and shake his head "nope, I was thinking we could play battle ship" he says pulling the board game onto the table from the shelf next to it.

I cock my head curiously at him, but decide that I don't have anything else to do, so I shrug and start helping Jackson set up the game.

.............

"So you love him?" Jackson asks followed by another coordinate.

Jackson and I have played this game three times, he's won once, and the whole time we've just talked about our lives. Jackson opened up about being raised by his single mom whom is a big name in the entertainment industry, but won't tell me who. He talked about his illness and even mentioned his boyfriend Mark a couple times.

The most shocking thing however is that he got me to open up a it my past, talking about my stepdad, the abuse, and even a bit about Seungri. I feel like I've opened up to Jackson more in the past couple of hours than I have with anyone, besides Seunghyun. Maybe it's because he understands what it's like to have a head that's against you, or maybe it's just that Jackson never seems to judge anything I've said.

Whatever it is, I'm thankful that I have someone to open up to, someone who isn't trying to get into my head and figure out what's wrong, someone who just listens and understands.

I chuckle "miss, and yeah I love him a lot"

The boy smiles "are you going to marry him?"

I shake my head, amused and fire off my own guess at where he placed his ship "probably, when he asks"

Jacksons eyes light up again "do you want to have babies with him?"

I snort and roll my eyes "males can't get pregnant Jackson"

Jackson shrugs "doesn't mean you can't have children, just adopt or get a surrogate"

I sigh "I'm not sure if I want to be a dad, with my history, I'd be to scared of screwing the kid up"

Jackson looks up from his game "just because you stepfather was a bad father, doesn't mean you'll be... Maybe you can actually be the dad some kid, who grew up like you, never got. Trust me, I can tell that you want to be a dad, your just scared"

I blink at the boy in front of me "do you think I could be a good dad?"

Jackson shakes his head confusing me for a second "no, I know you'll be a great dad, I mean just look at this, you've been sitting here taking to me for over two hours and I have the mentality of a six year old... I think you're a very maternal person, almost like you've taken care of a child before"

I let my gaze slip to the table "I basically raised my younger brother Seungri, our mother checked out when we're were young and well I told you about our stepfather... So it was just kind of up to me to take care of him"

Jackson smiles "well I'm sure he came out alright, he had someone to take care of him and help him grow... If you were going to screw it up, your brother wouldn't have made it as far as he did"

My chest constricts tightly "he only made it to thirteen"

Jackson sighs sympathetically and nods "what happened?"

I shake my head "I don't know, that's why I'm here, to get that information out of my head, I need to know what happened to my brother"

Jackson tilts his head "well what's blocking you?"

I shrug "maybe it's just to horrible that my head is trying to protect me from it"

Jackson lifts an eyebrow "or maybe, you'll have to actually face the fact that he's gone once you remember what killed him"

I swallow hard just as Jackson calls out another cortinate and in turn sinks my battle ship to which he gets up and starts dancing around happily to have outwitted me in the game.

I chuckle and shake my head at the guy, who now looks to be dancing around with his chicken by tucking his arms and moving them around as if a chicken himself.

Though the sight in front of me is entertaining, I can't help but to hear Jacksons words on repeat. Is it possible that he's right? That maybe all this time my mind wasn't protecting me from what happened, but from what will happen after I remember. Maybe I'm really not ready to let go of Seungri and my mind is holding onto the memory because of it, trying to help me hold on.

I'll be the first one to admit, I love Seungri and I miss him everyday, but do I really want to keep ahold of someone who can't hold me back? Do i really want to keep my life on hold like this for someone who's no longer in it? It hurts just to think about my baby brother not being in my life, but... Would he really want me to keep ahold of him like this? Would he want me to go through all of this, just so I don't have to face his death?

"Hey baby, where are you?" A deep and relaxing voice soothes into my ears.

I turn to find Seunghyun smiling softly down at me "Seung, I missed you"

He chuckles "I'm never far baby, where were you just now?"

I shake my head "just trying to clear through some fuzziness"

He nods "did you get any sleep after they have you the shot?"

"You mean after I went insane and they had to sedate me?" I ask bluntly, partly just to get a reaction from Seung.

He rolls his eyes "no matter what happened, do you feel ok now?"

I snort at him "I'm ok, still a bit tired, but I'm ok"

He sigh "good, you want to go back to your room, we can cuddle"

I grin up at the big teddy bear of a man "I love you"

He beams at me and helps me out of my chair "I love you too baby"

As we are leaving the reck room, I stop and glance over my shoulder about to apologize and say good bye to my new friend, but Jackson is nowhere in sight.

I hum and furrow my eyebrows, to which Seunghyun asks me what's wrong.

I sigh and shake my head "nothing, just making sure I didn't forget anything"

"Well did you?"

I smile slightly, and begin walking back to the room "no, actually I think I have everything I need"

>>>>>

I awake once again to a dark room, a sense of déjà vú taking me over. I sit up slightly and look to the side of the bed noticing Seunghyun's absence. I sigh, he must have ran out of time while I was asleep.

I reach over to the beside lamp and flick it on, and as soon as I do, I realize I'm not as alone in the room as I once thought. I start to tremble once i take notice of the figure out of the corner of my eye.

Lifting my head slowly, I finally make eye contact with the most precious set of dark brown eyes I've ever seen. My gaze sweeps quickly across his form, taking in every little feature and every little detail. He looks the same as I remember him, still the small, happy ball of light he always was.

The boy looks at me with fond and sparkling eyes "hey Ji"

I sit up slowly afraid that any drastic movement will make him disappear "S-Seungri?"

His smile deepens, but it's almost sad in how bright it is. Almost like he's capsulized in a memory, destined to never change, existing forever in my head the same as the last time I saw him alive.

Seungri sits forward on his chair, leaning his elbows on his knees "what are you doing here Ji?"

I take a deep stabilizing breath "I'm getting my head opened, so I can figure out..." I stop, my breath caching and I stare wide eyed at the boy.

"To remember how I died?" He finishes for me.

I nod feeling like a helpless child in the presence of the person I've ached to see for so long, but the fact that I have to see him like this, that he has to see his me like this... It's so painful and almost shameful. I promised Seungri that I would hold it together, that I would keep living my life even if I had to live it without him, but this isn't living and we both know that.

Seungri sighs as if disappointed in my lack of understanding "I know what you're doing here Ji, but I want to why"

I shake my head and furrow my eyebrows "I don't understand"

Seungri places a hand on the bed, just grazing my leg and I gasp at how real it feels "come on Ji, you have a family, friends, and even an amazing boyfriend who all love you, you have a great life now... why are you still holding onto me?"

I swallow hard, pushing down the steadily thickening lump "I...I don't know how to let you go, I-I...I can't"

Seungri smiles at me, the very appearance of it blurring my vision "yes you can hyung, you don't need me anymore, you're so strong now, in the beginning it was hard and you needed me to be around, but now you have so much to keep you going. You have so much life to live Ji" Seungri takes a deep breath "you loved me and I loved you so much, you made everything worth while in my lifetime, you created a heaven right in the middle of hell and i can never thank you enough for that, but I can offer the last bit of happiness you deserve. Ji... It's time to let me go, it's time to move on with your life... A life I no longer have a place in. I'll always be with you Ji, and I know you will always love me... But don't let me be the thing to hold you back anymore"

I bite at my lip, almost hearing the slow cracking of my heart, like ice on a frozen lake that has to much weight on it "I don't want to lose you Ri, I'm afraid that I'll fall apart without you"

Seungri places his hand on my own "do you think anyone around you would let that happen? No Ji, they have you now, they will keep you safe and happy... My job is done, let me go now"

I feel the first sign of breaking in the form of a hot tear rolling down my cheek like it's charging into battle "but..."

Seungri shakes his head "I know Ji, I know you feel guilty, I know you feel angry, and above all broken, but Ji none of what happened is your fault, please quit blaming yourself for the pain caused by others, you made my life one worth living, yes it was short and my end wasn't a peaceful one, but none of that was your fault, let go of the guilt and let go of me...it's time Ji, you know everything, you know what happened, and you know the final piece of this puzzle.., you know what to do to finally end this and free yourself"

"I'm scared Ri" I whisper, feeling like a small child talking about the monster under their bed.

He nods and I see a glassiness in his own eyes "it's ok Ji, it's ok to be scared, because that fear shows you that you're alive and you're about to go toward something worth having, but don't let that fear keep you back, don't let that fear stop you from finding that happiness that we've always dreamed about. I wanted so much for our lives Ji, and though things didn't go the way I planned, it doesn't mean you can't still have that life, that dream I had for us. Live the life we dreamed of Ji, for both of us, live without regret and never hold yourself back from what you want"

A brief wave of anger rolls though me as my gaze searches through his eyes accusingly "We were suppose to grow old by each other's sides Ri, we were suppose to live that dream together"

Seungri nods, a single tear flowing down his own cheek "I know hyung, but just because my story ended early, doesn't mean it was a bad one, I have chapter after chapter of happy and wonderful memories, because you decided to take over the pen... You wrote me the most amazing book in the limited pages I had, Ji... You did everything right, you were the best friend, hyung, and father I could have ever asked for... But now it's time to return the favor and give your story the happy ending you deserve"

"How can I just let you go though? How can I just say goodbye and except the fact that I will never see you again?"

Seungri leans forward and places our foreheads together "who said this is a permanent goodbye hyung, we'll be together again one day, but you have to let me go, you need to live your life, and I'll meet you on the other side once it's over... A very, very long time from now" Seungri flicks my head playfully.

I chew at my lip, probably bruised by by now from the abuse I've given it "I have to do it, don't I? I have to do what the letter asked me to"

Seungri nods "you'll never move on if you don't let go of the past... And that means everything holding you back, once you do, you'll have the answers you're looking for"

I glance up slowly, worried to ask the next question because I don't know what I'll do if the answer is no, "can I let go of you last?"

Seungri smiles sadly, an almost pity of sorts darkening his normally sparkling eyes "as long as you promise that you'll do as I ask, promise me that you'll live the future I wanted for us"

I breath back a sob, managing to choke out "I promise"

Seungri takes a deep breath and climbs onto the bed with me, snuggling into my side as he always use to do when one of us would get into trouble or just needed comfort "I love you Ji, and I always will"

I finally let go of the sob clogging my throat, but manage a "I love you too Ri, forever" then the damn breaks, and I'm lost in the flood.

>>>>

~Seunghyun~

I hold tightly onto the boy, crying his heart out in my arms "I love you Ji, I always will" I say, rocking our bodies together.

Ji manages to stop the sobs for a second only to say "I love you too Ri, forever"

My heart breaks at the same moment Ji's does, his tears and sobs coming without restraint now and it's the most heart shattering thing I have ever witnessed. I know that Ji isn't with me in this moment, that he is clinging to me in the fog of a hallucination, thinking I'm his younger brother. But I can't bring myself to break him out of this illusion, I just can't break his heart when it's already shattering to pieces.

If Ji needs Seungri right now, if Ji needs to hold onto his baby brother, then I will do this for him. I will stay right beside him, I will hold him through the fog, promising to always love him and that he will never be alone. I will do, say, and be whatever Ji needs me to, because my love for him will alway be there in whatever form he needs. 'I will alway be here for you Ji, I will never leave you, I promise'

✨✨✨✨✨

My darling Chickens!!

Here's the new chapter, I know it took me a while and I'm sorry for that. Unfortunately family matters and personal issues prevented me from writing as much as I wanted and it was difficult to write when I had the time. But don't worry, I feel this came out the way I wanted and I hope you guys enjoyed it.

I am going to try my best to keep up better with updates now that the story is reaching a critical point, but I can't promise anything and hope you guys can understand how hard this story is to write sometimes.

I almost feel my characters pain. when Ji hurts, I hurt, when Seunghyun is worrying himself sick over Ji, I feel the same stress. So much of myself is written into these chapters that it emotionally exhausts me sometimes, but I keep doing it because I love it and this story is so emotional and raw it's almost beautiful in its darkness.

I hope that some of you can understand what I'm trying to say and don't think I'm crazy! 😜

I know I'm also leaving a bunch of questions up in the air, but I promise you guys that answers are coming soon, and things will start to get better for Jiyong and Seunghyun. It breaks my heart to put them through this and I can't wait for them to find their happy ending.

Anyways, I'll see you next chappie, I love you guys!!

사랑해💕

~M~