~Jiyong~

I roll over in my deep fog, my eyes feel heavy and slightly puffy, and I have a small headache pulling at edges of my skull. All of the crying last night is really doing me in. Even after we got Seunghyun calmed down, he still cried himself to sleep, which made me shed some tears along with him. Honestly it breaks my heart to see him go through this. I have no idea why and I feel absolutely crazy for feeling like this, but i feel like something good will come out of this struggling, like maybe on the other side of this terrible storm, is the most amazing sunset we will ever see.

I peek my eyes open and blink a couple times till the clock on my bedside table becomes focused. The numbers of 12:38 flashes angrily at me, a small groan leaves my lips and I stretch out slowly careful not to wake the sleeping boy next to me. I roll back over to my original position to find the most beautiful face waiting for me. Practically begging for me to reach out and let my fingers explore every inch, though i resist becuase i don't want to wake him up.

I smile as my eyes ghost over every little detail of his perfect face, his amazing eyes, that even while closed hold a deep intensity that threatens to capture me and never let me go. Seunghyun's artfully sculpted cheekbones, which fit perfectly against his cute little nose, just above his amazingly smooth and soft lips that I can spend all day kissing. My exploration ends on his strong, defined jawline, that's perfect in its very creation. I decide that a slight touch won't hurt, but before my fingers can reach their desired target, a voice filles the once silent room.

"Are you watching me sleep?" That rough and deep voice questions me in that sexy morning voice of his that shoots straight to my groin.

I laugh "what if I am? I'm aloud to look at things that belong to me aren't I?"

Seunghyun chuckles and reaches out his arms "come here"

I bite my lip, I want so desperately to do so. To fold myself into his arms, form our own little happy bubble, and forget the world, but I know we need to get up. It's getting late and we need to go do the dreaded thing we're all procrastinating on. I think even Hwa Yun is debating against waking us up because i keep hearing her footsteps outside the door every couple of minutes.

"Seung, you know we have to go soon" I say with a sad sigh.

Seunghyun finally opens his eyes and finds mine, almost pleading with me for everything that happened yesterday to just be a bad dream. My chest constricts at that face, and i immediately decide that i hate that face, i hate the idea of Seung being in any type of pain.

I reach out and caress his cheek "I know, I'm sorry, but we need to do it"

Seunghyun sighs deeply and reaches out, pulling my body to him, i don't protest because honestly i want to be held just as much as he wants to hold me, but still my mind is screaming at me not to give in completly. I'm about to open my mouth to once again remind the older about our job today, but he beats me to the punch.

"I can't wait till we go to college, till it's just you and me in our own little world. Where none of this shit breaks through, just us in our happy life" Seunghyun says, snuggling me against his chest.

"Seung, we can't shut out the whole world, trust me, no matter how much pain you feel... shuting out the world doesn't work, it just pushes it away for a while, waiting for that one moment you let it all back in and nearly die from the surpressed pain. I agree, i can't wait till we start our own lives, till we begin our own chapter, but we can't shut out the world Seung... we'll just have to figure out how to fight the darkness together" I say, explaining something that took me years to understand.

Seunghyun pulls back and looks at me, a slight vulnerability resting in his eyes that is new to me "together?"

I smile "of course Seung, i'm not going to leave you alone through any of this, you don't have to do this on your own. I know you've been alone your whole life, you've never gotten to depend on anyone, but not anymore. I'm right here Seung, you can trust me. We'll do this together"

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in, like he wants to remember every detail of this little moment "will you always want and need me? Will you always choose me, no matter what?"

I chuckle, for someone who acts so confident and tough, he really behaves like an insecure child sometimes "always Seung, you and only you"

Seunghyun lets go of a breath i hadn't noticed he was holding "i love you Ji"

I kiss the tip of his nose to let him know i feel the same and we let a comfortable silence fill the room, while we procrastinate over what we need to do. Suddenly though something passes through my head, something i've been wanting to ask for a while now, but never having good timing to do so.

"Seung?"

"Hmm?" he hums in response.

"Why do you feel like that?" i ask "like... why do you feel you need reasurance that i'm yours and only yours?"

Seunghyun tenses a little and glances away briefly "not everyone is as loyal as you are Ji"

My eye brows shoot up "Oh... did someone cheat on you? Is this why you have these jealousy issues?"

Seunghyun tilts his head back and forth like he is thinking over his answer, debating on how exactly to word it "Not exactly, though he wasn't very faithful, he wasn't exactly mine to begin with"

My eyebrows knit together in confusion "was this person Ravi? and what do you mean he wasn't yours?"

Seunghyun groans and rolls onto his back "yes it was Ravi, but i really don't want to talk about this baby, he's a part of my past and it isn't important anymore"

This for some reason strikes me the wrong way, I would love to let that be the truth of it, but honestly none of this is in his past, what happened may have been, but the pain still very much exists. My problems aren't the only thing between us anymore, Seunghyun's past still haunts him, he's just refusing to acknowledge the taps on the floorboards being anything other than the wind. I need to tell him the truth about how I feel about this, I need to let this out, or I'll let it go later in a way that I'll regret

I sit up away from Seunghyun's grasp and hug my knees to my chest "it isn't though Seung, i can see it in your eyes still. Whatever happened back then is still following you and it's effecting every part of your life, including your relationship with me. No, i don't have a problem with the jealousy as of now, but i can see your possessiveness and anger issues becoming one later on down the line, and you constantly comparing the two of us isn't fair to me"

"Ji...i-i...how?"

I sigh and begin speaking in a calm tone that even creeps me out a bit "yes, i know about you constantly comparing me to your ex, how can i not? He was your first love, hell i compare myself to him and i've never even met the boy... I can just see it sometimes, almost like your waiting for me to change into someone else, like your waiting for me to disappoint you" i curse my emotions as my eyes start to blur a little "it's something i've been hoping will go away, or that you at least will talk to me about, but neither has happened Seung and it's starting to feel like i'm stuck in the shadow of someone you can barely see past"

I bite my lip trying to swollow down my rising tears "i realize that you have things you have to deal with, and that i can't expect those problems and habits to go away over night, but you've convinced yourself so completly that you don't have these problems and you've pushed your past into this tiny lock box. You have hid them away so deep into your mind that you won't even think about that time let alone try to actually work through these things. I may be pushing, and i may be stepping into a large territory of pain I shouldn't be, but how can you sit there and damand reasurance that i am your completly, when you arn't willing to give me the same" I take in a large breath after I finish letting all of the built up feelings and thoughts that I didn't realize I was holding in.

"I am Ji, i'm yours" when his words come out, his voice sounds small and slightly scared.

I want to stop, I want to turn around and tell him that it's all fine and that small reassurance is enough, but I just can't bring myself to stop once I started. I know I shouldn't today of all days, but I have to say this, he has to know.

"No, Seung, whether you want to admit it or not... a small part of you still belongs to him, Ravi still has a hold of you, he has a part of you that i feel guilty for even wanting, but i still can't help that selfish desire for every peice of you to belong to me... You said that we give each other what we need once, that i need somone who will always stay, and you need somone who will always be yours completely... but does that mean that i don't deserve to want what you want? Do i not deserve to call you 'mine'?"

I feel the bed dip and a hand on my back "Ji, baby, please stop thinking like this, i..."

"No, Seunghyun, please don't try to deny any of it, please don't chalk this up to me being over emotional or thinking to much... i know i'm right... all i want is for you to talk to me, tell me the truth about your past, you don't have to tell me everything at once, just one number at a time for the combination to that tightly locked safe, just one Seung" I beg.

"I can't Ji, i pushed this away for a reason, just leave it alone" Seung's voice sounds strangled, like he is fighting back tears and possibly some of the memories that cause him so much pain still.

I know I'm pushing to hard, but my mouth has seemed to have formed a mind of its own. "Why can't you just trust me enough to tell me the truth, i hadn't known you but a couple of weeks and i told you everything... do you know how hard it was to finally tell someone the truth about the sexual abuse? Do you know how hard it was to deal with the memories that that admittance brought? I had nightmares so bad the week after that i lost five pounds because i couldn't keep any food down, and nearly crashed my car on the way to school one morning when I fell asleep at the wheel because every time I tried to fall asleep the night before he was there waiting for me "

Seunghyn gasps and i realize i went to far, I crossed the line and told him something he didn't deserve to feel guilt over. It isn't his fault that all of that happened, but i know i had said it to punish him, to get him to feel guilty enough for even a second to tell me the truth. "please tell me that isn't true, please tell that didn't happen"

I take a deep breath "i'm sorry Seung, i never wanted to tell you that"

"Ji, you could have died, why the hell were you behind the wheel if you were that tired?" Seunghyun says raising his voice like a parent scolding a child.

"Becuase Minji had an early student council meeting and left before me, so i had to take myself" I explain nonchalantly, while waving my hand in the air.

"Why would you risk it? Why not just stay home?" he nearly yells, i can feel his anger pulsing through the room and soon enough my own starts to join into the mix.

"Becuase i wanted to see you" i admit, raising my own tone "everything i've done since the moment i met you has been for you. I told you the truth because i knew i could trust you from the very first time you looked into my eyes... I knew you would always protect me, and care for me even back them.... What i didn't know is how much it would hurt to know that you don't feel the same"

"Ji, i love you, don't ever say i don't" Seunghyun says firmly.

I laugh biterly "love and trust may go hand and hand Seunghyun, but they are still very different things"

Seunghyun is quiet for a few beats, before he finally asks a question i'm not prepared for "what do i have to do? What do you want me to do, to prove that i'm in this completely, that i trust you with every inch of my soul, and that i only see you? Tell me what you want"

I'm trapped, i don't know what to say, because honestly i'm unsure of this as well, besides him telling me the truth, what do i want from him? "i want to meet him, i want to meet Ravi" the demand leaves my lips before I even know I'm thinking it.

Seunghyun's breath hitches "That's impossible"

In truth I had expected this answer, but it still doesn't make it any less disapointing. I nod my head and push back the covers, then roll off the bed "somehow that really doesn't come as a surprise"

"Wait, at least let me explain" Seunghyun launches across the bed and grabs my wrist before i have a chance to walk away.

"It's fine Seung, let's just forget i said anything, i'm tired of having this fight" i say, my voice coming across as exhausted as i feel.

"Ji, please" Seunghyun pleads.

"Seunghyun, can we just get dressed and go downstairs for some food, while forgetting this whole conversation ever happened?" I ask without emotion in my words.

I look back at him, to see an argument with himself running through his head, but for once i'm just to defeated to try and pry answers out of him. I pull my hand out of his grasp and tell Seunghyun to get dressed from over my shoulder before i disappear into the bathroom.

.......

After we both dress and head downstairs for something to eat, a heavy silence settles in around us, a silence that neither of us is willing to give up our pride enough to break.

"What's with you two?" my dad asks after standing in the kitchen for a few minutes, just staring at the two of us silently moving around the kitchen, making our individual meals.

I look up from the stove where i was making some noodles "what do you mean?"

Out of the corner of my eye, i see Seunghyun shift at the sound of my voice, but i bring no attention to it.

The way to observant man I call my father, narrows his eyes at us "I mean you two are acting weird, too quiet compared to the way you guys normally talk to each other, like teenage girls gabbing on about their crushes... trust me, i've raised one and i swear i know more about this Youngbae person than i will ever care to"

I don't mean for it to happen, but one second i'm listenting to my father speak and the next i'm cracking up laughing. Like knees bent, can't breath, stomach hurting, kind of laughing. Adding to my surprise Seunghyun joins me, and soon we are grasping onto each other to keep from falling over.

"What?" my dad questions "do you know this Youngbae?"

Seunghyun snorts "he's my best friend" he manages through his gasping laughter.

"Oh, shit, don't tell your sister i said anything" my dad pleads sounding panicky "she'll kill me if she finds out"

I rub tears out of my eyes and stand up straight "this is great, she's never going to live this down"

"Why is it so funny?" my dad questions with his eyebrows pulled together.

"Because Yongbae is so utterly stuck in the closet, his tan is starting to resemble the shade of the wood" i crack.

My dad's eyes widen and he coughs a little "oh, i had no idea"

"Neither does he, that's why it's so funny" i snort.

My dad roll his eyes "seriously, sometimes I worry about you two" but then my dads face turns a bit solum before he adds "hurry up and eat, we have to go soon" I nod and he leaves the kitchen.

I nearly jump ten feet in the air when two arms snake around my waist and pulls me tight against a strong muscular chest. That's it, that's all it took for us to reconnect and the tension to dissolve.

"Ji? Can we please stop ignoring each other, I miss you" Seunghyun whines cutely into my ear.

I smile, knowing exactly how he's feeling "of course, this is stupid"

My loving boyfriend chuckles and squeezes me tightly "I love you"

My smile intensifies and I turn around in his arms, leaning my head against his chest breathing in the wonderful familiarity that is Seunghyun. At this point I'm not even sure what we were fighting over, whether it was really about Seung not trusting me, or if it was something else, something that's still waiting to be realized. I got caught up in my emotions and let it get the best of me... of us.

All of our problems, all of the struggles we have to pass through before we can ever have a happy normal life together, we are going to need each other. We can't start turning against each other now, I refuse for us to break. I have fought way to hard, just to give in to the pain and darkness. We will find a way through this, and we will do it together as always.

......

We eat while talking to each other like we haven't seen one another in years and have so much to talk about. Instead of how it really was where we just didn't talk to each other for an hour or so. It's strange how we are so attached that even silence can makes us miss each other. I hope that never changes, I hope that for the rest of our lives, that we need each other just as much as we do now.

I wish I could tell Seunghyun how I feel, I wish I could look the man I love in the eyes and tell him just that, but everytime I open my mouth, this drowning sensation fills my lungs, like I'm being sucked underwater by an angry sea. My head screams at me about the power those three words have. About how giving someone the power of those words, means that you also give them the power to break you. I hate to admit it but I'm already so shattered, I don't think I can take the pain of losing someone else that I love.

Seungri passes through my head on a daily basis, I miss him with a permanent ache burning in my chest. I would give anything to hear his voice telling me even the stupidest of things, to feel his arms wrapped around me, and to feel the love that only he knew I needed.

To have to feel this type of pain, but for Seunghyun is unimaginable, to miss his voice, his touch, his love to the point of unraveling at the memory of it... I just can fathom it. I tell myself that if I don't say the words, if I don't admit that I love him, then the pain of losing him won't be as bad... but lying to protect yourself is still lying. I know what would happen if I lost him without saying those three words. I know it might just hurt that much more because he left without ever really hearing the truth, without truly knowing how much he means to me.

In part Dr. Park is right, these are just words and they mean nothing, these words hold no power because I had already given Seunghyun my heart, but it's all I have left, it's the only rope keeping me from falling, the only wall left standing.

"Are you ready?" Seunghyun asks holding his hand out snapping me out of my thoughts.

I grin and take his hand "ready"

Seunghyun sighs and offers me a strong smile "well, lets go move me out of my aunt and uncles house"

I nod but giggle playfully, wanting to lighten the mood "and into mine"

He takes the bait and pulls me toward him "are you sure this isn't because you just want to seduce me without me being able to run away?"

I laugh "trust me Seung, if I want to seduce you, the fact that you live here will not stop me"

He narrows his eyes "why do I get the feeling that you hold more power over me than I give you credit for?"

I smirk and pat Seunghyun's cheek "oh sweetie, that's because I let you think that"

"You might be evil Ji" my boyfriend shutters dramatically.

I chuckle "might?" Then I walk past him and towards the door, leaving a flustered Seunghyun in my wake.

A victorious smile doesn't leave my face all the way over to Seunghyun's aunt and uncles. This is what I like, this playfulness, this ability to push everything aside for a second and still be happy... even if it is only for a second.

>>>>

~Seunghyun~

"This is the last box" I say loading the last of my things into Hyun Suk's surprisingly large SUV.

"Ok, we'll meet you guys back at the house" Hyun Suk glances toward the house and gives me a sympathetic sqeeze on my arm, before climbing into the vehicle and driving off.

I turn to see what got me such sympathy, only to notice Taemin leaning against the door frame staring at me like a child who just lost it's parent in a crowd.

"You should get back inside, aunt and uncle won't like you talking to me" I clear my throat awkwardly looking around, I don't want any of this to be taken out on Tae.

Taemin sighs "fuck them, I can at least say goodbye"

I roll my eyes "Tae, watch that mouth"

My little brother smiles sadly "I'm going to miss you scolding me like that"

I laugh shortly but it's hallow and broken "Tae, I want you to behave for aunt and uncle, you may not be to happy with them right now, but in their heads they are just doing what they think is best. Don't give them a hard time, ok? Oh and don't forget about your dance classes every Monday and Wednesday, and seriously don't gorge yourself on banana milk and..."

"Stop it" Taemin suddenly yells.

My mouth shuts out of reflex and I blink at him "Tae?"

The boys eyes suddenly start glistening "stop talking like this is goodbye for good, it'll only be for a little while, so stop talking like your going to disappear from my life... please hyung, the only thing holding me together right now is that reassurance that you'll come back for me"

I close the distance between us in second, before Tae's tears even fall down his cheeks and pull him into my arms "of course I'm coming back for you Tae, I just want you to be taken care of while I can't be here. I swear to you, I will never disappear from your life, I'm going to get you back, ok?"

Taemin sniffles and buries his head into my chest "I hate this, I hate the idea of not being able to see or talk to you, they even made me take up tutoring sessions during lunch so we can't meet up behind their backs"

I swallow thickly and tighten my hold on the only family I feel that I have left "we'll be together again Tae, I promise, I will always fight for you, you're my little brother... I'll always take care of you"

Tae hugs me tighter and I feel wetness seep into my shirt "don't you dare say goodbye asshole"

I chuckle while trying to blink years of my own out of my eyes "wouldn't dream of it" I squeeze him one last time "see you soon you pain in the ass"

Taemin pulls away and nods, whipping the tears away with the back of his hand "see you soon dickhead"

"Douch canoe"

"Bitch tits"

"Gutter slut"

"Cum guzzler"

I gasp and my eyes widen at the surprisingly raunchy insult "Taemin, where did you even hear that one?"

Tae snorts "your boyfriend's not as innocent at he looks dumbass"

I try to give him a chastising look, but we both start laughing. I can never really be mad a Taemin, he's to important to me to wast time being angry at him.

Our farewell is cut short all too soon "Say goodbye Taemin" my uncle appears at the door giving us a stern look.

Tae's face drops and he wraps his arms around my waist again "I'm going to miss you"

I smile and place a tight hold around the boy "I'll be back before you even have time to, don't worry, and be a good boy"

I place a kiss on Tae's forehead and give him one last squeeze before i let go of him and push him toward the door "go inside, its getting late"

Tae hesitates glancing between me and our uncle, before his shoulders slump an he gives in, walking to the door with his feet scraping reluctantly against the ground. I wait till he's inside to head to the car, just something about turning my back and walking away from him that didn't feel right.

I slid inside the idling car and wait for Ji to pull away, but he doesn't, instead he leans over and places a kiss on my cheek. Then he whispers "we'll get through this" into my ear.

He pulls away from the curb and drives down the road, away from one of the biggest parts of myself and I catch myself wondering when I'll be able to hug my little brother like that again.

<<<<

~Jiyong~

"Are you ok?" I ask after a few minutes of silence filling the car.

Seunghyun takes my hand, not even bothering to force a smile to his face "yeah, it's just hard"

I offer him the most encouraging smile of my own that I can manage to make up for his lake of "don't worry Seung, this isn't a permanent goodbye, you'll have him back soon enough"

Seunghyun finally smiles back at me and its honest in it existence "thank you for being here today, even if it got off to a bad start, I'm glad I had you next to me"

I chuckle keeping my eyes on the road "always Seung, I'll always be here"

I feel Seunghyun's eyes on me and I glance over, to see him gazing at me intently and I raise my eyebrows in silent question to his behavior "Ji, would you like to go somewhere with me next weekend?" He suddenly asks.

I blink at the windshield and find myself giggling at his randomness "uh... where?"

He sighs "Busan, where I grew up"

My smile brightens "I would love to, but what for though?"

Seunghyun bites his lip "I want to introduce you to someone"

My eyebrows knit together and I find myself racking my brain of any relatives besides his grandmother that he would want me to meet, but I come up blank "Who?"

Our eyes meet and the next sentence out of his mouth makes my stomach lurch like I had just been delivered a hard blow and I guess I kind of have.

Seunghyun swallows hard "I want you to meet Ravi"

✨✨✨✨✨✨

My Chickens!!

I know how you guy love a good cliffhanger!! Haha ok, maybe not as much as I do, but still it felt right, even if it's slightly evil. *insert diabolical laughing followed by awkward coughing* What do you guys think will happen when Seunghyun takes Ji to his home town? What do you think Ji will find? Will he find closure? or will it just makes his insecurities worse? I guess you'll just have to wait and see!

Ugh!!! My Taemin and Seunghyun feels though, seriously I wanted to be in the middle of that hug. I'd sob like a baby, then try to pull Seunghyun away and seduce him, which would promptly get my ass kicked by Ji, but it would probably be worth a try.

Anyways, as always I hope you guys loved this chappie, I know it was a bit shorter than normal, but I still hope you enjoyed it!! And don't forget to comment, vote, message, sacrifice your first born to me, and follow!! The usual!!

I love you guys, seriously, all of you guys who read this story, you're awesome!!

사랑해💕

~M~