~Seunghyun~

Ji and I hold hands as we walk through the overcrowded, overly loud, and increasing pain in my ass known as the mall. I would have complained, but the smile that Ji has plastered across his face makes every complaint die in my throat. He is so beautiful like this and I will do everything in my power to keep him this way, even if it means spending the day as his Barbie doll.

"I think you will look amazing in a dress shirt and a pair of nice fitting jeans" he says brightening further, which I didn't think was even possible.

I can't help but mirror his actions and sigh, amused by the childlike boy nearly skipping towards a store "whatever you want baby"

Ji suddenly stops and gives me a knowing look "you don't have to do this if you don't want, it was just a suggestion and i know you're just humoring me right now, but seriously, I know this isn't your thing"

I chuckle "yea, I'm doing this mostly for you, but some of it is selfish too. I mean don't get me wrong, I detest shopping, which is why I spend most of my time in jeans, band t-shirts, and baggy hoodies. But still I get to spend the rest of the day with you, while you act like a little kid in a candy shop. Seriously, we could be dressing in drag and getting ready to preform a rendition of 'it's raining men' and I would still be content if I get to be with you"

Ji giggles and a playfulness crosses his eyes "you say this like it isn't an option... I do look really good in a dress"

I bark a laugh and blink at him "and how do you know this?"

He shrugs "Minji and I experimented a lot in the beginning"

I snort and bounce on the balls of my feet excitedly "ok, I have to see this"

He giggles again and it goes straight to my spine, shooting all the way up with a shiver that is equal parts painful and delightful "maybe, but the last time I wore one it didn't end up well"

I snort again at the look on his face "and why is that? Did you break a heel or something?"

He shakes his head and then the next sentence out of his mouth has anger pushing through my body at a speed that makes my vision loose focus for a second. "No, Minji decided to take me out to a club, someone got a little too... comfortable and I had a really bad panic attack" he stops and laughs remembering that night "just imagine the scene I made when I was rushed into the hospital"

I feel all of the warmth drain from my face, and my grip tightens on his hand. It almost feels like an animal is clawing at my chest, desperate to break through. The thought of someone touching my Ji and forcing him to that dark place... it does something to me and a violence rips it's way through my brain, startling me at its intensity "Someone touched you? Do you remember him? What did he look like?"

"Woah, hey. I'm fine, and this was a long time ago, I don't even remember that night besides the key points" he attempts to calm me.

I look into his eyes and he leans back a little from how intensely I was staring. I know he is just reassuring me, but nothing about it is fine. Someone else touched him, someone else looked at him.

"No one is aloud to touch you but me" these words came out almost as a growl, forcing a small warning flashing through my head, telling me to calm down, but the images of hands other than mine running over his soft skin, touching parts that no one else is suppose to see, parts no one else is suppose to feel, flow freely through my head, only increasing my anger.

Ji bites his lip, maybe thinking of a way to defuse this ticking time bomb I have counting down inside my head "I'm guessing you're saying no one else can see me in a dress then? Because I don't blame men for getting a little to close, i mean I have to control myself from squeezing my own ass" he laughs nervously, hoping his joke will help... it doesn't.

My eyes narrow as a deep possessiveness takes me over "no, no one but me" I snap, causing Ji to raise his eyebrows at me.

"Ok, hey, it's fine. Don't worry Seung, I won't. I'll only do it for you from now on" he appeases me, placing a hand on my cheek. "Calm down, please"

This isn't the fist time this has happened; Moments where I completely check out of all and any rational thinking while my anger and jealously take over, forcing me to act like a complete jackass seem to happen more and more frequent since Ji and I have started dating. And as always, Ji manages to say and do the right things, to bring me back from the red abyss that clouds my judgment.

I have no idea why, but Ji seems to understand my jealousy and possessive issues, with the way he's constantly reassuring me that he wants no one else and that he is mine. But the strange part is that I think he almost likes how territorial I am over him, like the thought of me calling him mine, brings him some weird kind of comfort.

My smile returns, it's slight but it's there "really?"

He nods "only you, as always"

I duck my head feeling embarrassed and a little guilty. I have nothing to get jealous over, Ji gives himself to me in every and all ways possible. Every word, every movement, and even every look is nothing but a reassurance to his feelings. I trust him more than i trust myself sometimes... so why do I still feel like this?

The answer hits me like a ton of bricks to the chest. Ravi's name hisses through my head making me cringe, and I have to force myself to take in normal breaths. I know that Ji isn't Ravi and yet I can't help but feel those all to familiar jealousies and insecurities arise. I hate comparing them to each other, but I can't seem to push away the constant fear at the back of my head that things will turn out the same way they did back then.

"Hey" Ji says lifting my head with an index finger "don't be embarrassed"

I sigh and look at him "I feel more guilty than anything"

He cocks his head to the side "why?"

"Because I'm always so... possessive with you, but I have no reason to be, you've never given me even a slightest indication that you aren't mine completely"

He smiles at me and his eyes crinkle "Seunghyun, have I ever given you any indication that I hate it when you get like this either?"

I shake my head while my eyebrows knit together "no, and I don't know why"

Ji gives me a loving look that makes my heart flutter "I don't mind... Actually I kind of like it, it makes me feel wanted... like I'm something precious to you, something to be protected and loved instead of something to use and throw away afterwords"

I know what he's referring to, but I push it out of my head, not wanting to ruin the rest of the day sorting through my anger. I just want to spend the day with my beautiful boyfriend as he smiles and giggles without a worry on his mind.

I chuckle nervously and feel this small awkward silence from what just happened and I want it to disappear instantly, I don't want Ji to hold anything back, especially when it's my fault for his caution.

"So?" I ask "any chance of you putting on a dress any time soon?"

He laughs and it's like a chorus of angels to my ears "sure, I have a couple in my closet actually"

I raise an eyebrow and finally let the images of this sink into my head, but instantly find myself startled at how heated I get just thinking about him that way.

I smirk and step forward, leaning down to whisper in his ear "don't show me today, wait for a while"

"Why?" He asks, his breath catching at the intensity in my voice.

"Because once I see you in a dress, I'm going to pin you against the closest surface and prove that you really are mine" I say huskily.

"Seunghyun" Ji whimpers and places his hand that isn't attached to mine against my arm for support.

I chuckle in a low tone that has both of us breathing heavily "say it baby, tell me you're mine"

Ji trembles against me "I'm yours Seunghyun, completely"

I smirk again and pull away, before placing my lips briefly but heated enough to make my point against his. "i love you" I rasp, and step back.

He blinks at me dazed and giggles a little "are you trying to kill me?"

I sigh and lean my head against his, ignoring his diva like dramatics "why are you so perfect?"

He giggles, once again sending a shiver up my spine "I'm not Seung, far from it actually"

"Yes you are, to me you are...I love you" I say again.

He chuckles and pulls away "I know, now come on, I think I'm going to make you try on a suit or two"

I roll my eyes but allow him to drag me into a store nearby, away from the small crowd of onlookers that I just realized had formed while we were lost in our own world. I sigh again as I get this small sense of dread that takes me over, and I have a feeling this is going to be a long day.

>>>>

I come out of the dressing room and watch as Ji's eyes light up "omo, that looks amazing on you"

I am in a tight pair of jeans and a close fitting white dress shirt. I have to admit he's right, it looks good, but it is completely different from what I expected "I figured you would put me in something... less simple"

Ji laughs "I'm not trying to change you babe, I just want to class you up a bit, your style isn't complicated or intricate... I'm sorry to say, but it is a bit as you said... simple"

The fact that he just called me babe shoots right through me, and I find myself grinning like an idiot. He rolls his eyes at me, and waves his hand gesturing for me to go back into the dressing room and try another outfit.

I nod and retreat into the room, unbuttoning the shirt and place it back on the hanger.

"I think I might like this one the best though" Ji giggles behind me.

I whirl around to find Ji leaning against the dressing room door with his arms crossed over his chest and a daring look in his eyes.

"How did you..? I didn't even hear you..?" I stumble as my head try's to figure out how he completely slipped under my radar.

Ji laughs and shrugs "I got good at moving around unnoticed"

I clear my throat and look away, suddenly self conscious at the way Ji is staring at me... I can only describe it as the way a hungry lion looks while stalking its prey.

"Ji" I warn "stow those feelings, we are in a public dressing room"

Ji smirks at me and steps forward "am I making you nervous?"

I swallow at Ji's confidence, this boy has so many insecurities about himself, but when it comes to something he wants, a whole different person comes out and nothing stops him.

I nod and place a protective arm across my body "you know you are"

He chuckles "Seunghyun, you know what I just realized?" I shake my head, a prickle of fear entering my senses, and he continues "you've satisfied me a couple times, but I haven't gotten to touch you once"

I suck in a breath "I didn't think you were ready for that... I didn't know what... I didn't know what you were forced to do"

Something flashes across his eyes, but he quickly pushes it away and continues to set me on fire with his gaze "there's not much he didn't make me do, but none of that really bothered me, it was more time consuming and annoying than anything"

I lock my jaw and shift uncomfortably, once again pushing back the heated threat of my temper "what is it exactly you're getting at Ji?"

He smirks deviously making my skin prickle "I want to touch you Seunghyun, for once I want you to fall apart in my hands and call out my name"

My blood shoots through my body at an impossible speed and my breath catches "Ji" I try to choke out, to get my point through once again about where we are, but it just ends up sounding strangled and needy.

Ji steps forward closing the distance between us "those tight pants aren't helping your case Seung, I can see how effected you are just by my words, I feel like it's been building up for a while now. Don't think I haven't noticed how hard you are after every time you touch me"

I step back involuntarily and Ji giggles, sending shockwaves straight to my groin. I grown and close my eyes, briefly before opening them to see the victory resting in Ji's own eyes.

"You might want to take these off though. I don't want to ruin them before we even have a chance to buy them" he taunts me and moves forward placing his fingers inside the waistband of the pants I'm wearing.

I'm paralyzed, unable to think properly, let alone move to stop him. His fingers travel down and undoes the pants, before slowly slipping them down my legs and prompts me to lift them so he can take the pants off. He folds the jeans and places them in the rapidly growing 'keep' pile he had started once he first shoved me into this dressing room.

"I'll give you an option today, I can just touch you letting you savor this, or I can drop to my knees and get the job done quickly but thoroughly" he leans into me and starts splaying his fingers across my chest, marveling at how my skin feels under his palm.

I swallow "Ji, we shouldn't..."

"Shh, Seung" he places a finger to my lips and I'm surprised by how much I wish it was his lips instead "If it makes you feel better, I know the girls who work here and I made it clear that we need privacy. No one will come back here, trust me"

I take this into consideration, but still feel a nervous guilt in my stomach, like we are doing something we really shouldn't.

"I don't know Ji" I rasp, my voice heavy with lust and confusion.

Ji smiles and let's his hand trail down my chest, before he leans his head down and places a kiss on my collarbone, slowly moving down till he reaches the sensitive buds on my chest. I stifle a moan as his tongue flicks across the raised surface and I resist the urge to grab a fistful of his hair.

His tongue flicks out again, before he places his lips entirely around my nipple, sucking hard, then playfully nipping at it.

"Ji" I whisper and he smiles around the swollen bud on my chest.

Suddenly Ji smiles brightly and looks up at me. I've seen this look before and usually nothing good comes of it. He has an idea, and right now, I'm helpless to refuse him.

He places a hand on my chest and pushes me down till I'm sitting in the small chair placed in the corner of the dressing room. He bends over and takes off his shoes and pants.

My eyes widen in alarm and I'm about to ask what he's doing, but he climbs onto my lap before I have a chance to. I lean back and raise my hands, not knowing exactly what to do with them, since his thighs are the closest thing in reach.

He sighs, sounding almost frustrated and grabs my hands moving them around to grasp at his ass. I almost moan at the feeling of his round, perfect ass resting against my palms. I squeeze lightly and Ji rocks his hips forward shamelessly, grinding his own erection against mine.

I can almost hear the click as the pieces of what he's doing slide into place in my head "can you handle this?" I ask, beginning to kneed his ass with my hands, unable to stop myself.

Ji bites his lip and nods, as he places his hands on my shoulders. He lowers himself down fully, bearing his weight onto my lap, pressing our hardnesses together in a wonderful combination of heat and friction.

"Oh god" I say throwing my head back against the wall, and squeezing his ass harder.

He lets out a high pitched moan, then rocks his hips forward once again, sliding us against each other, causing a shared hiss to pass from both of our lips.

"Seung" Ji whines and my head snaps forward, remembering to keep eye contact with him.

His face is flushed a light pink and his lip is slowly sliding between his teeth before he grabs it again. Eyes half lidded and fixed on me through his eyelashes.

"Damn it" I curse, almost coming just at the sight of him, "any chance of getting you to take your shirt off?"

His eyes widen and he tenses "I-I can't"

I quickly backtrack "its ok, don't worry about it, this is perfect" I lean up to place a calming kiss on his neck "come on, relax for me baby"

Ji giggles and does as I tell him to "I'm the one seducing you, but you still have complete control don't you?"

I smirk "did you ever doubt that I didn't?"

He rotates his hips grinding down onto me and I groan "I thought maybe i gained a little bit of ground when I had my teeth around your nipple"

I chuckle breathlessly "I do admit, you disarmed me a bit then, but you had to know I would get it back"

Ji keeps a steady pace with his grinding staring into my eyes in a lust filled haze "I want it that way, I like when you're in control, you and only you"

"Damn straight only me" I growl, feeding into my possessiveness and push his hips down against me harder, forcing him to jerk his hips faster.

"Seung" Ji whimpers needy and reaches one hand down pulling at the top of my waist band, freeing the tip of my member, then he pulls me out completely.

I gasp and take one hand off of his ass, doing the same to him, till we are both free and resting against our stomachs. His eyes widen as he takes me in, and I can almost see the need in his eyes.

I reach up and caress his cheek "no baby, you're not ready"

He pouts, but nods and grabs both of us in his free hand, squeezing and stroking delicately. The combined intensity rolling through both of us heightens the pleasure of it and sends every nerve in my body into overdrive. This level of intimacy between Ji and I has never been attempted before and the feeling is almost indescribable.

"Ah" Ji calls out in a high pitch, that I'll have to remember to make fun of him for later, and throws his forehead down onto my shoulder.

I wrap my hands around his hips and pull him against me, allowing only enough space for his hand and our combined hardness. Ji trembles and I turn my head to his, still buried in my shoulder.

"Ji, baby, look at me" it takes him a second, but he finally does and my heart melts at the look in his eyes.

He picks up a fast but steady rythm, creating a wonderful friction that has both of us shuttering at its feel.

"Seung" Ji warns and I know he's close.

"Give it to me baby" I coax, close to the brink myself.

Ji shakes and calls out quietly as he reaches his peek and the sight of him coming undone on my lap, calling out my name, forces me to mine. I gasp and thrust against him quickly riding out both of our completions.

He collapses against me, wrapping his arms around my neck and breathing heavily. I do the same with my arms around his waist, holding him close till he comes down from the high.

After a while he leans back "I can't wait to know what you feel like inside of me"

I suck in a sharp breath at his honesty, but love that he tells me the truth even if he knows it will shock me "neither can i, but no matter how well this eye contact thing is working, I just don't think you're there yet"

He smiles "at least I know one of us thinks clearly... I trust you Seung, I trust you to keep me safe"

His words go right through me, making my heart flutter. I don't say anything, but I let him know how I feel by placing a kiss against his lips, letting my feelings flow into him and getting some of his own in return.

"I love you Ji and I know you can't say it back yet, but I know you feel it" He nods confirming my words and I beam at him, before coming to my senses about our surroundings "maybe we should clean up and leave"

He chuckles "no you don't, just because we both got off in the dressing room, doesn't mean you get out of shopping"

I groan causing him to laugh at me "but it feels dirty now, we may never be able to come back into this store again"

Ji's eyes widen in a look of horror and complete shock "how dare you, this is one of my favorite stores... more so now"

I shake my head "shameless Ji, completely shameless"

He giggles and my member twitches, threatening to come back to life "only for you Seung" he winks at me and sits up stuffing himself back into his underwear, I go to do the same but he stops me and does it for me.

I look at him questioningly and he blushes. I chuckle and reach around placing my hands back on his ass, squeezing, forcing a pleasured gasp from his lips.

"If you keep that up, we'll never leave this dressing room" he warns, and I let him go.

"Sorry, I've decided that I like your ass, it fits perfectly in my palms and it's really soft... makes me want to bite it" I say nonchalantly.

Ji bites his lip "Seung, you're not helping"

I snort and lean over retrieving a couple of tissues off the table next to the chair. I clean both of us up and manage to finally convince Ji to get off of my lap, which takes major will power on my own part.

"Ok, next outfit" Ji says, rifling through the cloths placed on the multiple hangers hung up around the room, after he had pulled his own back on.

I sigh "really Ji?"

He turns around "don't really me, I'm going to make a fancy bitch out of you"

I snort again "and what's wrong with my wardrobe?"

Ji scoffs at me "the husband of a fashionista should not be wearing baggy hoodies and ill fitting jeans" he shutters "it's just wrong"

I raise an eyebrow "did we get married when I wasn't paying attention?"

He rolls his eyes again and sighs "no, but why prolong calling you the inevitable?"

I beam at him and he just chuckles and shakes his head at me "now here, put this on" he orders shoving more cloths at me, and that dread of this being a long day seizes me once again.

>>>>

"Are you actually putting those in there?" I ask baffled by his actions.

He knits his eyebrows together "would you rather the jeans go in a dresser because I can put them in there?" He asks seriously and i shake my head humorously.

"I mean are you actually putting my cloths in your closet?" I question, watching the confusion grow across his face the more I speak.

He snorts "where else would I put them, it's not like you have another roo..." he stops and all of the light drains from his eyes when it finally clicks "oh, right... you still have most of your cloths at your aunt and uncles house" he stops hanging up a shirt and sighs. "Um, I guess you can take them home, if you promise not to just throw them on the floor"

I sigh hating the look on his face, I had meant it the way he thinks, but I just can't stand to see him disappointed like this, especially over something I had said in a moment of stupid.

I backtrack quickly, coming up with something that isn't quiet a lie, but wasn't exactly what I was thinking either "I didn't mean it like that, considering that your closet is the size of my entire room I think it will be a better idea if I keep them here. What I was wondering about was if you were going to actually let me keep my clothes in your closet"

He turns to me "this is the only place to keep cloths Seunghyun"

I chuckle "I didn't know if you wanted me to bring over my dresser or put them somewhere else or what"

He bites his lip to keep from smiling "like move your stuff in?"

My eyes widen and I blink at him. I suddenly understand that this is in fact what I am offering him, to move my stuff in. It had been a momentary save to keep him from looking so upset, but now I see it clearly what I had actually suggested.

I clear my throat and open my mouth but nothing comes out. I've basically been living here for the past couple of weeks anyways, the only time I actually go to my aunt and uncles is to get some cloths and to check on Taemin, but standing here faced with the actual truth of it, my body freezes.

Honestly the idea doesn't unsettle me, now that I'm standing here faced with it, thinking about how it would be to actually live with Ji officially, to not have to worry about having to pack a bag every couple of days or what judging looks i'll get when I go over to my aunt and uncles. The longer I think about it, the more I'm actually quiet fond of the idea.

Ji's eyes widen in panic and I finally realize that I still haven't said anything "oh god, that wasn't what you were saying, was it? I'm sorry... I didn't mean to freak you out"

I cross the space between us in the large closet and pull him into my arms without a second of hesitation "shh baby, calm down... that is how I meant it... It just surprised me that we've gotten this serious, I mean I'm basically living here already, but hearing it proposed officially caught me off guard is all"

"So you do want to move in?" He asks, sounding a bit like a child asking his mother for something after he just got disciplined.

I laugh and smooth my thumb over his cheek "of course, but we will need to talk to your parents about it"

"Damn straight you do" a voice flits across the room startling both Ji and I... or well mostly just me.

I turn around to find the amused eyes of Hyun Suk staring at us. I bow to him and swallow thickly, no matter how close Hyun Suk and I have gotten, the fact that he's Ji's father still intimidates me.

"Dad, quit scaring people like that, I'm used to you popping up in random places all the time, but Seunghyun isn't" Ji scolds his father and starts to hang the rest of my cloths up in his closet.

Hyun Suk laughs "so we are here now? so soon?" He asks "don't get me wrong, I'm as giddy about you being this happy as Hwa Yun is, I'm just concerned"

"About?" I prompt, ready to defend any concerns he might have.

"My son tells me that your aunt and uncle arn't that supportive of this relationship"

I nod "yes sir, they are a bit older and don't exactly approve of me being gay"

Hyun Suk nods "have you talked to them about Ji?"

I sigh "not directly, they know about him and that we are dating... hell they probably know everything about it from Taemin but I think it's one of those things of 'if we don't talk about it directly, it doesn't exist'"

Hyun Suk sighs "you know I'm all for you living here Seunghyun, you've already become another son to me, but I would like their approval first"

I swallow hard and glance at Ji who is standing still and seems a bit tense "I can set up a dinner for you to meet them"

Hyun Suk sighs again "I think that will be a good idea" he comes over and clamps a hand onto my shoulder "don't worry to much about it Seung, my wife and I can be very convincing people and we aren't going to let you get away from us easily"

Ji finally moves and gives his dad a smile "thanks dad"

Hyun suk almost seems surprised for a second, but then he beams, reminding me of the way Ji lights up when he's really happy about something "any time Ji, now I'll leave you two alone to feed into the irony of both of you being in a closet"

Ji rolls his eyes at the joke and shakes his head as his dad leaves the small room, closing the door till only a crack is left. Ji huffs and stomps over the the door pushing it shut a little too forcefully.

"I swear, I know he's just joking, but I'm not a kid" he pouts and I can't stop myself from laughing at him. "Are you laughing at me?"

I snort and nod excitedly "you're defending yourself from being a child, by acting like a child?"

He catches the irony and then cracks up himself, till we are both laying on the floor of his closet, rolling in laughter. It eventually calms out and we scoot toward each other, limbs wrapping around limbs while we lay in each other's arms.

"So, what do you think they are going to say?" Ji asks after a couple minutes of content silence.

I sigh "I don't know baby, but it worries me"

"Do you think thy will say anything bad?"

"No they're not the kind... it's more over what they don't say that stings the most" Ji sighs and seems uneasy "hey, come on, it will be fine, like I said I don't need their approval to love you, and if they don't give me their blessing to move in then we will just have to figure something out"

Ji nods but doesn't seem convinced and honestly I don't think I convinced myself either, because I really don't know what we will do if my guardians disapproves of me moving in with the man I love. The reason that I haven't told them to go screw themselves and move out already is because of Taemin.

Legally I can move out on my own, but this whole thing can result in me getting kicked out and then I would lose Taemin, or they could forbid me to see Ji and I would have to choose. As usual this comes down to Taemin, he's the only family I have left he's my brother and next to Ji is the most important person in my life. I can't walk away from him like his father did, I refuse to let him think that anyone else in his life doesn't think he's worth fighting for, but its hard to imagine being able to put up a fight when the victory of getting Tae, could end in losing Ji.

*************************************

~Jiyong~

I place the tip of my pencil to the paper to begin writing and once again i feel his eyes on me, watching me, staring at me intently like i'm about to explode any minute.

"Seynghyun, please" i look up catching his gaze before he can look away "either tell me what's going on with you, or quit staring"

He sighs and looks away guiltily "sorry"

I narrow my eyes and clench my jaw, but choose to ignore it. Whatever is going on with him isn't my problem for at least another twenty minutes as i try to finish my homework. We are sitting in the coaches office during gym class, Seunghyun has claimed illness and the coach is letting him sit out, I think it's the way his face is deathly pale that convinced him.

Honestly he is staring to worry me, a part of me is worried that he's sick, but another part of me is worried that this is coming from stress. He made the plans with his aunt and uncle for them to come over this weekend, and I know that Seunghyun is stressing about it. Maybe today it is just catching up to him, maybe he's just letting it get to him to much.

I want to comfort him, hold him and tell him that we are going to be fine no matter what, but truthfully I'm not sure if I can say these things wholeheartedly like he needs. I have been worrying myself... what if it's not fine? What if this is the thing that breaks us? What if he leaves me because of this?

I shake my head, trying to clear it, pushing all of the negativity out of my thoughts. I just need to concentrate on my homework because nothing good comes from thinking about something that hasn't even happened.

"Ji" Seunghyun starts, but i know nothing will follow, he's been doing this all day. He'll stare at me to the point of nearly boring holes into me, and then he'll call out my name but choose not to finish his sentence.

At first i was concerned, because something really seemed to be bothering him, and maybe he would talk to me about it, but he never does and now it's just getting straight up annoying.

I don't respond, i just sigh and try to make my brain focus on the calculous homework in front of me.

"Ji?" i hear again, a little more persistent this time and i finally look up. The boy in front of me seems close to tears, and all of the annoyance drains out of my body.

"What's wrong?" I ask, my chest tightening in concern "are you ok? are you not feeling well?"

"Ji, do you really not remember anything from last night?" he questions, catching me by surpirse.

My mind suddenly races, what had i done last night? What did i do to make him look at me like this?

"No... what happened?" i implore wearily.

Seunghyun shakes his head "it's best if you don't know, your dad said that it only makes it worse"

I sit back in my chair and cross my arms across my chest "what happened Seunghyun?"

"Just forget i said anything?" he says getting back to his book, that i have a feeling he has no idea what is happening in.

"Seunghyun, tell me, clearly it's burdening you enough to have you this upset about it" i try to go for a softer tone, but it ends up sounding bitchy and tired.

He sighs and leans forward resting his head in his hands "it's not that bad, it just surprised me is all"

"Was it something i said? Something is di..." then i trail off when i realize, that the only times i lose a peice of time, is when i have... "no" i gasp.

Seunghyun nods and i close my eyes, breathing out harshly "what happened? What did I do? did i.. did i hurt anyone?"

To my relief he shakes his head "no, you just scared the crap out of me"

"Tell me what happened Seung, please" I plead, needing to know how much damage I did.

Seunghyun sighs "it all started when i woke up and you wern't lying next to me..."

>>>>

~Seunghyun~ (early this morning)

I wake up to an empty feeling, and instantly notice the bed beside me is vacant. "Ji baby?" i ask sitting up and observing the room.

A faint light, draws my attention in, and i squint realizing that the lamp across the room is on. I smile. 'maybe Ji couldn't sleep and decided to read'

I throw the blankets off of me and pad across the room, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I glance at the clock briefly and sigh. "Ji baby, it's 3:30 in the morning, come on, let's go back to bed"

I recieve no answer, but consider that he has headphones in. The back of the chair is turned toward me and i can't see him yet, but i know he's there because his incessant bouncing -that i have become use to- is apparent through the movement of the chair. Seriously it wouldn't surprise me if Ji has ADHD with the way he can never sit still.

"Ji, sweetheart" i say softly as i reach the chair, smiling down at the boy.

But my smile quickly fades when i find Ji sitting in the chair, staring at the wall, no book in hand, nor any headphones in sight. Besides his leg bouncing, he doesn't move, even when i talk to him, he just stares at the wall and blinks. "Ji?" i ask, becoming more and more worried.

Once again silence meets me, not even a slight eye twitch to acknowlege my presence. Hesitantly i reach down and place a hand on his arm, shaking lightly. Ji creeps me out further, by tilting his head to the side and giggling. Normally i love that sound, but right now, it just makes a cold shiver run up my spine.

"What are you doing?" Ji suddenly asks with a small giggle.

"That's exactly what i'm wondering" i say.

Ji laughs "you're so silly, but i love you"

My breath catches "did you just say that you love me?"

Ji giggles again "Stop Seungri, you're going to wake up stepfather"

My eyebrows knit together and it starts to finally click. Ji isn't here right now, he's in another world, and he doesn't even know i'm here.

"It's a hallucination" someone says behind me making me jump.

I whirl around coming face to face with Hyun Suk "what?"

He smiles but it seems sad "it's a hallucination, luckily one of the toned down ones, but technically Ji is stuck in wonderland right now" I look back at Ji to find him having a full on conversation with the wall "scary, isn't it?"

I nod staring at the scene feeling disbelief seep into my bones "it's like watching someone drown right in front of you and not being unable to stretch out a hand to them"

We stare at our Alice for a couple of second, watching him interact with something ony he can see. "how do you pull him out of it?" i ask.

"Usually, it's best to let it play out, he'll come back on his own... but sometimes, when he gets violent or trys to self harm, it's kind of a make-it-up-as-you-go situation" Hyun Suk sighs "but he hasn't had one of those in a while, so i don't think you will have to worry about it for now... he's innocent right now, he seems to be about 8 here"

I take in this information, wondering how many of these he's had to have had for his dad to be able to differentiate what scene his head is playing out "You can tell?" i ask shocked.

He nods "i've pretty much worked out all of the ages through his facial features, he seems happy here, but not undamaged, so it's been a couple years since the abuse started and Seungri hasn't taken a lot of it yet which kept Ji happy"

I shake my head and sigh deeply, letting it sink in just how deep Ji's scars run "how do you stop yourself from pulling him into your arms and pushing the rest of the world away from him?"

Hyun Suk smiles "because i don't want Ji to fear the world, and i want him to be able to stand on his own feet. It doesn't mean my dad instinct to pick my child up and rock him in my arms till the darkness disapears isn't there, it's just that my want to see Ji live a normal life keeps me from reaching forward too much"

"It's almost like i feel that i will break him more if i allow him to hide away. He tried to shut the world out when he first got here, he just sat in that chair, staring out the window. He refused to eat, he barley spoke to anyone and when he did, it was half crazed and incoherent. I couldn't even get him to come down for the wake we had at the house for Seungri. Ji just completly refused to accept anything that was happening around him and he completely shut down... i even thought we would have to hospitalize him for a while"

I swallow the thick bile in the back of my throat "How did he snap out of it?"

Hyun Suk shurgs "to this day, we still don't know, all he said was that he can't break his promise. We have no idea what it means, but we were so happy he was actually eating and talking, we didn't ask"

I nod "He's big on keeping promises, i think that's why he beats himself up over Seungri so much, he made him a promise that he would always protect him" i say, still watching my boyfriend communicate with an inanimate object.

"I know, that's one of the things that's hardest for me, losing Seungri was heartbreaking, but watching Jiyong go through hell because he blames himself is almost unbearable. I just want him to live his life happily and put Seungri at peace so he can be at peace too"

I finally look at the man who is quickly becoming like a father to me "i'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that happens, i'm going to make sure that Ji is happy"

Hyun Suk smiles at me "thank you Seunghyun, maybe it's just a coincidence that you have the same name as my son, but for some reason i can't help but feel that maybe he brought you to us, to Ji"

I smile lightly but before i can answer. Ji pops up out of the chair, spinning around to face us "did you hear that?" Hyun Sunk and i glance at each other then back at Ji, waiting for him to give us a sign of his conscious level.

"I think he's awake" Ji whispers with wide eyes, his face turning a ghostly white color "we need to hide Seungri, go to the roof, i'll meet you there"

Ji stands there for a second, listening for sounds that only he can hear. Then he sucks in a breath and looks around, before running across the room and hiding behind a small dresser that holds his underwear and socks. He starts to whimper as he pulls himself into a ball, and i feel panicked. I hate to see Ji like this, so fragil and helpless.

I walk toward him slowly and Hyun Suk pats me on the arm, giving me a warning to be cautious. I don't quite understand what i'm doing, but for some reason i feel that this is what he needs, he needs me to save him.

I stop a couple feet from him and crouch down on the floor. "Ji" i coax, trying to get his attention.

He starts shaking and sqeezes tighter into a ball, signaling that he can hear me. He may not understand reality, but he can hear me and now i know i can get through to him.

"Ji baby, it's me Seunghyun, i'm right here" i place my hand on his, pleading for him to come back "come on baby, come back to me, you're safe"

His trembling all but stops and he seems to be working through things in his head "S-Seung?" he whispers in a small voice.

"Yes baby, i'm right here" i coo, tightening my hold on his hand and moving forward onto my knees.

"Seung, i'm scared" He whimpers.

My chest feels tight but I have to push through it, for him "it's ok sweetie, i'm right here, i won't let anything bad happen to you"

He finally looks up, his eyes wild with confusion and fear. He lifts his hands up and grasps at the air like a child, and i lean forward grabbing him around the waist pulling him to my body, while he wraps his legs around my waist and arms around my neck. He pushes himself towards me till theres no space left between us and i hug him tightly, rubbing circles over his back.

I feel him physically relax almost instantaneously with my arms wrapping around him, and he starts to sniffle into the side of my neck where he has his head tucked into. "shh, baby, it's ok. I've got you, you're safe now" He sqeezes tighter and i stand up with him still in my arms, then carry him to the bed.

"Is he ok?" Hwa Yun asks comming into the room.

I sit down on the edge of the bed with Ji tightly wrapped around me, and start to rock him slightly.

"He's fine, thanks to Seunghyun... i don't think i've ever seen him out of it so fast, but the minute he recognized that Seunghyun was infront of him, he snapped out of it"

Hwa Yun stares at us surprised "he even let Seunghyun touch him?"

Hyun Suk nods and laughs with his own disbelief "yeah, damn near jumped into his arms"

Hwa Yun suddenly smiles and gets teary eyed. "i know these things shouldn't surpise me and make me this happy anymore, but seeing the way Ji interacts with Seunghyun... it's..."

"I know" Hyun Suk walks over to his wife and slings an arm over her shoudler "i think he's got it from now on" and for some reason i didn't think he was just talking about tonight. They offer me one last collective smile and leave the room.

I shift on the bed, till I'm sitting cross legged against the headboard of the bed and holding Ji in my arms. "Ji, are you asleep?" i ask, noticing that he's being abnormally still.

He shakes his head agaisnt my neck and i kiss his temple. He pulls back and stares at me wide eyed, before leaning forward and placing his lips against mine. I have a feeling that Ji still isn't fully aware of what's going on, but i still give him what he wants. I kiss back, only lightly, making sure that it doesn't escualte prompting needy, desperate Ji to come back.

He pulls back and sighs contently, then to my surprise me slides off my lap, keeping a firm grasp on my shirt with one hand as he situates his pillows and pulls back the blankets. When he lays down he looks up at me expectantly and i follow suit, climbing under the blankets, snuggling up next to him. His hand never leaves my shirt untill i wrap my arms back around him, one hand cradling his head and another resting on the small of his back. He snakes his own arms around my waist and hugs me tight like a teady bear.

Eventually his breathing evens out and I know he's fallen asleep, but sleep never finds me. Instead I find myself content just laying there, watching him sleep, holding him tightly, like my arms are a protective shield keeping him safe from the dangers inside his own head. Silently I kiss him on the head and make him a silent promise that I will always keep him safe. I will always watch over him and protect him, even if it's from himself.

>>>>

~Jiyong~

I close my eyes after Seunghyun finishes the recount of last nights events. This is one of the things I wished desperately for Seunghyun to never lie witness to, its embracing and shows just a how fucked up I really am.

"I'm sorry" I apologize after a beat.

"What are you appologizing for Ji? It wasn't your fault, in fact I think it's mine"

My eyes flash open "don't ever blame yourself for this"

Seunghyun sighs "I think the stress of my aunt and uncles visit is causing this, your brain is working overtime and it's causing you to have bad dreams which lead to a hallucination"

I bite my lip, thinking of this being a possibility, but I also don't want him to blame himself. It took me forever to convince my dad to quit doing the same... the only thing that made him stop taking it personally was when...

I gasp "Seung, would you mind going somewhere with me after school today"

He looks hesitant but nevertheless nods and I smile "where?"

I swallow and worry at my lip again "I'm going to take you to see Dr. Park, my psychiatrist"

My chickens!!!! 🐣🐥

Long time, no see!! Lol <- see what I did there.., anyone? No? Ok!

Haha but anyways, I've been busy lately, and it took me a little bit to write this chappie out, and my birthday was Sunday, so I took a break from Ji and Seunghyun... but I missed my boys... so I'm back!!

I feel old, I got my haircut last Friday and my hairdresser found a grey hair! 😱 Maybe it's all of my Kpop worries, Exo and Big Bang are stressing me lol

But anyways I kind of like this chappie, it seems to perfectly express where Ji is heading. I know it's kind of becoming a bit explicit at times, but the reasons for that will be explained in the next chapter, and you'll get more of an understanding of both Ji and Seunghyun. I think you'll like it.

Well, until next time my lovelies!!

사랑해💕

~M~