~Seunghyun~

I awake with a heavy sense of dread, it's dark in the room and it's way to quiet. I sit up quickly, my head moving from side to side, immediately noticing the problem. Ji isn't in bed with me. My eyes snap to the clock on the bedside table which reads 4:38 in the morning. I cast my senses out, trying to pick up any sound, a bit of movement, or even just a gut feeling of where he could be.

I throw the blankets aside and move my legs over the side of the bed, hesitating against getting up. The last time I panicked like this and Ji was just getting a glass of water, I didn't hear the end of it for the whole next day. Ji is starting to lash out, I know it's because of all of the stress he's under. Every session with Dr. Park only unlocks more doors he's kept shut all of these years, and it's starting to take a toll. Honestly, I understand his behavior, but I can't seem to get over the little pangs in my chest whenever he speaks coldly to me or is clearly having a hard time and refuses my help or comfort. That's the other thing that has me scared, Ji keeps pulling away from me. Mentally he's been pulling away for months, but now he's starting to physically and I miss him, I miss the feel of him in my arms, I miss the feel of him beneath my fingers.

Blame is one thing I refuse to pin at him though. The things that have been unlocked in his mind lately makes it perfectly clear why he doesn't want to be touched. Memories of terrible things done to him, or horrifying experiences that make every desire to be touched fly out the window and I clearly get that he needs space to work through these things, that he needs air to properly breath after these memories resurface, but it doesn't mean I don't crave Ji, it doesn't mean that my own body needs to be near him in every way. Anything sexual doesn't even cross my mind, I know that he's not in the proper place for that right now. I just want to feel him pressed up against me, his little body enveloped by my own, so I can hold him, so I can feel connected to him, so I can feel that we are still in this as one.

My mind snaps out of it's little reprieve when I hear a faint, but still obvious humming noise, coming from the other side of the room, coming from the bathroom. My hesitation forgotten, I rush to the door, not even bothering to knock and push the door open. I search the room frantically till I find the source of the noise, and what I find makes me pale, while I drop to my knees.

Ji is in front of me, sitting in the bathtub full of water fully clothed, with his knees tightly hugged to his chest, and his hands have a death grip on the sides of his head, sqeezing almost too hard. He is rocking back and forth, and humming lightly, seeming like he's lost in another world completely.

I reach out, but stop before I touch him, not knowing if it would help or if it would just make things worse. My breath comes out in a shallow, wobble as I try to think of anything I can do for him that'll help, but I come up empty. I feel completely and utterly helpless.

"Ji?" I finally try "baby, are you ok?"

I receive nothing in return, I don't even get a twitch of his muscles in response. I heave in a large shaky breath, running a hand through my hair, then I get up and run out of the room, and down the hallway.

My hands pounds on the door so loudly and incessantly, I'm sure it wakes up the whole house. But at this point, I could care less, I just want someone to help him.

"Seunghyun? is everything ok?" Hyun Suk answers the door, and one look at my face causes worry to flash in his eyes.

I shake my head and point at Ji and my room, unsure if my voice is stable enough to say anything, but that's all I need because Hyun Suk takes off in the direction, faster than I've ever seen him move. I'm quick on his heels though, and I steer him to the bathroom, when he slows down inside the room.

When he finds Ji, his reaction is similar to mine, he hesitates to reach out and touch him, seeming scared that any wrong movement will break the poor boy. Finally he makes a decision, and looks back at me.

"Get a towel and drap it in you arms, like you would to receive a baby" He states and I instantly follow the order. "ok, now we're going to do this quickly so he's not disturbed that much, so be ready"

I nod, getting the jist of what he's about to do, not needing much preparation though, With how little Ji's been eating lately, he barely weighs anything. Hell he was underweight before any of this started, but now it's almost horrifying how much his body has reduced in size.

Hyun Suk reaches down and places his hands on Ji, first with just a reassuring pat on his legs, which is met with nothing, not even a slightest of twitches. He then, places one arm underneath his knees and the other around the small of his back. Places normally, Ji would never allow anyone but me to touch, but clearly he isn't in a place to protest.

In a second I'm gaining an arms full of Ji, who's body leans against mine, tense and unmoving. I start to rock him slightly, not enough to bother him, but enough to maybe give him a bit of extra comfort. Hyun Suk shoots one last look at his son, then nods to me and we slowly start moving out of the bathroom, as not to shake the boy in my arms and cause him any more pain or discomfort.

We reach the main bedroom, and find Minji and Hwa Yun packing what looks like and overnight bag. They look up when we come into the room, and Minji sighs and looks down like it's just to hard to see her brother like this, while Hwa Yun looks on the verge of tears.

"I called the hospital and told them what is going on, they're ready for him and Dr. Park is going to meet us there" Hwa Yun whispers walking up to us and reaching out like she wants to run her hand through Ji's hair, but decides against it, and places a hand on my shoulder instead. She gives me a look that says everything, that in my arms is someone very precious to her and I need to be very careful with him, that in my arms is her son and I am to protect him tonight.

I nod and tighten my hold on him, but only slightly, then start to follow Hyun Suk out of the bedroom, steadily fighting my own instinct to crumble to pieces in the arms of a woman who's been like a mother to me for the past couple of months. I'm scared out of my mind, i'm terrified that something could really be wrong with my Ji, but I keep myself together, I stay strong for the boy in my arms who can't be strong for himself.

As we climb into the car with Ji settled onto my lap, I lean down a place a kiss to the boys temple, and whisper into his ear not knowing whether he'll hear me or not but needing to say it nonetheless "I'm right here baby, I love you, and I'll be waiting when you find your way out of the maze, I promise"

>>>>>

The minute we arrive at the hospital Ji is pulled from my arms, and rushed inside. Every part of me wants to protest, as I watch the love of my life, the only thing in this world that matters to me more than life itself being whisked away from me and disappearing behind a set of heavy double doors.

Hwa Yun places her arms around my waist and I look down at her only to realize that I have began to cry. I sniffle a bit and whip my eyes, pushing it back for the sake of staying strong in front of Ji's family, but Hwa Yun shakes her head and cups my cheek.

"Don't Seunghyun, if you need to cry, then you cry. Ji is going to need you to be strong for him later, so let it out now, let it go Seung... I've watched you for weeks and I'm so proud at how strong you've been, but we have a fight ahead of us and he's going to need you. Go ahead, it's ok, I've got you, you're safe" Hwa Yun places her arms around me and pulls my head down to her shoulder where I let go of everything I've been holding back over the last couple of weeks.

Every bit of pain, every worry, every moment of rejection or helplessness I've felt, pours out of me. I feel a hand being placed on my shoulder and I know it's Hyun Suk without even having to look up, and that little bit of added comfort pushes me further over the edge. I can't do anything but watch as the last bit of me that was holding back breaks with a sob in the form of Ji's name on my lips.

>>>>>

Time passes, I don't dare to look at the clock afaird to finally be pushed over into full insanity that the slow tick of the second hand has been forcing me to. We wait and wait, hoping to any second hear that the boy we all love so much is fine, and we can take him back home where he's safe and out of the cold and unforgiving grasp of the rest of the world.

But hope and unrealistic ideals fail to meet us at the door of reality, where Dr. Park comes through looking exhausted and so much older than usual. He spots us and moves toward us with a slow, but determined gate.

"So we got him calmed down, it was another migrane, one that was bad enough to turn him unresponsive and catatonic, but luckily the doctor got Ativan into him, which is basically just a strong muscle relaxer that helps relive the pain and forces him to calm" Jungsoo says.

Hyun Suk steps forward "how long till we can see him?"

"Well now that he's calm and isn't in pain, you're allowed to go back, but I don't want to overload him with to many people so maybe just one person at a time" Junsoo suggests, casting me a quick glance "but... He's asking for Seunghyun"

My eyes widen "Hyun Suk should go first, he's his father"

Hyun Suk turns to me and smiles, though it clearly holds a bit of sadness, it's honest in it's intent "do you know what happened the first time he was brought into the hospital for the first time with these migraines?"

I shake my head and Hyun Suk smiles lightly "he refused to see anyone, started talking about how it would be better if he just disappeared from our lives and how he's nothing but a burden that's not worth the hospital bills... it took us two days to convince him to let someone in to see him besides Dr. Park. So the fact that my son is asking for someone, especially right after an episode is almost a miracle" he places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing lightly "I'm not disappointed that it's not me he wants to see, I'm actually ecstatic that my son has found someone he wants to live for, someone that makes his life worth something to him and that is something I can never thank you enough for" he chuckles and sniffles slightly, clearly trying to keep his emotions in check "now go see my son, make him smile, don't keep him waiting"

My lip trembles but only for a second, before I take a large stabilizing breath, then proceed to follow Jungsoo towards the room that holds my everything.

>>>>>

I walk into the little room, nearly pushing Jungsoo out of my way to get to Ji. The eldest just laughs at me and shakes his head, but lets me pass nonetheless. I stop a couple steps from them bed, where Ji lays, his arms covered in wires and tubes connecting to machines and bags of liquid, almost looking almost like a machine himself. His eyes are closed, but I can tell he's awake, because of the way he's tearing into his lip with his teeth.

"Hey baby" I whisper, still not knowing if he's fully recovered from the pain.

His eyes flash open and he turns his head, managing to push out a small smile "Seung, you came"

I chuckle and sit down on the stool next to the bed "of course I did, you call and I come, that's how it works"

Ji rolls his eyes "you're a dork"

I reach forward, but let my hand hover above his hand that I was about to grab, unsure if it's ok to touch him. Ji sighs and closes the distance, taking my hand with a surprisingly strong grasp.

"That's my fault" Ji states, his gaze fixating onto the ceiling.

I breath out exasperated "don't start with that crap Ji, none of this is your fault, don't start blaming yourself"

Ji shakes his head "don't think I miss the way your face twists when I pull away from you or the way you hesitate to touch me now... Seung, I know I've been pushing you away and I'm sorry, but please don't stop trying"

I close my eyes tightly for a second "I'm sorry, I just figured you wouldn't want me to touch you, I thought I was helping"

He shakes his head "don't apologize, your heart was in the right place, but my head wasn't... I miss you... you haven't touched me in weeks"

I feel my cheeks heat up, knowing exactly what he's referring to " I thought it would make it harder because of some of the memories that are starting to come back to you, I figured you wouldn't have much of a drive for it"

Ji snorts "Seung, try to remember what it felt like when you went through puberty, where going through a couple of hours without touching yourself was torture and imagine repressing that for about six years, then suddenly having all of those feelings, those needs rush into the forefront of your mind. Think of it as suddenly opening a flood gate that's been slowly collecting numerous amounts of water over the past six years... you can't just close the gate and expect all of the water to go back inside Seung"

My cheeks heat up further as I glance back at Jungsoo whose sitting in the corner of the room pretending to be completely absorbed in his paper, but the amusement that's plastered across his face tells me otherwise. Ji reaches out, tapping my cheek, pulling my attention back to him. He smiles sadly at me as his fingertips caress my jaw line, a surprisingly intimate gesture compared to how distant we've been from each other.

Ji closes his eyes and sighs deeply, causing me to lean forward, worried that he is in pain again. But what comes out of his mouth next, surprises me "Jungsoo, I want a forty eight hour commit" Ji suddenly says, not speaking to me.

I hear a small gasp, then I hear Jungsoo scrambling to get up and rush across the room "why? what's wrong? Are you experiencing anything that would prompt a self commit?"

Ji opens his eyes, nodding "I want you to force it out of me Jungsoo, the sessions lately have felt like a torture house, and I'm tired of slowly being torn apart. I want a forty eight hour commit, and in that time I want answers. Pick my brain apart Soo, help me reach the end of the maze"

Jungsoo looks uncertain for a minute while he lulls this over in his mind, then a resolve blossoms and he nods, "ok, I'll take care of it... but know that this won't be painless. We are going to break into your mind and once I'm in I won't stop till I find every answer we're looking for, it's not going to be easy Jiyong"

Ji nods again "I don't want easy Soo, I just want my life back, I want to be able to move on and in this first moment of clarity I've had in weeks, I'm telling you that I'm ready to find the truth"

Ji's hand shakes slightly, prompting me to squeeze it firmly, reassuring him that I won't let him go through this alone. Jungsoo leaves the room to set up the arrangements, and I lean forward placing my head on the bed next to Ji's hip "what is a forty eight hour commit?"

"It's forty eight hours on the psych ward, where I'll be locked in a room, with nothing to do but have Jungsoo pick my brain apart and open up box after box of information... the commit is just a precaution just in case I find something that sends me over the edge, I'll be in a safe place" he reaches down and places his hand on top of my head, petting my hair slowly "honestly, I'm a little scared"

I pat his knee gently "I can't lie to you, I'm terrified for you, but I promise I'll be here when it's all over"

"You'll be waiting at the end of the maze?" he asks softly, a little smile once again kissing his lips.

I turn my head over and stare up at him wide eyed "you heard that?"

Ji smiles fondly, petting my cheek "out of everything, that's the only thing I remember, it was like seeing a dim light in a pitch black room... I heard your voice and I knew that everything was going to be ok, because I had you there to keep me safe.... you gave me strength with that Seung, thank you for always being by my side"

I lean into his hand and sigh contently "you couldn't get me to leave even if you told me to, I'll always be right here baby"

No more words are exchanged between us, because nothing more is really needed to be said. My place is and will always be right beside Ji, keeping him safe and happy. The reason I'm here on this earth may never be exactly defined, but I somehow feel that I was always meant to find Ji, that I was always meant to save him, and I know Ji feels the same, that we were pulled together to give each other the parts that we needed the most, the parts that we've always been trying to find.

Ji and I found each other, even through the pain and the grief, we were pulled together like we were the universes greatest idea. We are meant to protect and love each other through the dark, till we finally reach the end of the maze we can almost see, till we find all of the pieces the other has lost.

Ji is my present and my future, though I couldn't be there to protect him and save him from the past, I can be here to make sure that the past stays where it belongs, and that every day for the rest of his life is filled with the happiness and love he deserves. I love Ji with every bit of my soul, and I can feel that he loves me the same. We won't break through this, we won't crumble beneath the pain and darkness, with my hand in Ji's we will make it though all of this, we will find our happy ending.

>>>>>

A couple hours later, after the rest of Ji's family got in to see how he is and everything was discussed and settled, Ji gets moved to the psychiatric ward. The whole floor smells like antiseptic and has an odd sense of disorientation as you walk through the halls, which only makes my reluctance to leave Ji's side that much more intense, but as I've been told multiple times by the boy in question and by said boys doctor that he needs to do this. So I settle myself out in the waiting area, and refuse to leave unless I am allotted my time to go and see my boyfriend, who was probably falling to pieces on the other side of the large, heavy double doors that separate us.

I have to push these thoughts out of my head continuously, focusing on what's happening around me, and the continuous company actually helps with that. Dae and Youngbae visit often, though they are not allowed to go see Ji, they are allowed to stay with me as long as they like, and the emotional support they offer me is immensely welcome. I managed to get a call out to Taemin right after Ji was emitted, but I haven't seen or heard anything out of the boy and the disappointment I feel for my aunt and uncle keeps me awake for the first night. I wish they could just understand, or at least pretend like they do for an hour so I could hold my little brother, so I could feel a bit of comfort from my own blood.

"Hey, Seunghyun, dad got this for you" Minji says coming up to me and handing me a container of food "and he said to eat it, or else... i'm not sure what type of punishment he's implying but you should know by now that he's very creative, so i'd eat it"

I chuckle "thanks Min"

She sits down beside me, on the small couch next to the reclining chair I've taken claim over when Ji was first brought here "do you think he's going to be ok? I mean you've been more integrated into his therapy than any of us have, so you probably have a better idea at what's going on in his head"

Hwa Yun glances up at these words from where she sits at a table across from my chair, clearly interested in my opinion as well "i've seen and heard how deep Ji's scars go, I've seen and heard things that would probably keep you guys awake for weeks... but I know that Ji has overcame all of that, and he's so strong and brave. I'm not saying that what he's about to face or already facing isn't going to be hard, but I do know that Ji will fight through this, Ji will be ok"

"He's really let you in, hasn't he?" Hwa Yun asks me, tilting her head at me as if noticing something she didn't before.

I smiles and glance down at the ground "i don't really think I gave him a choice, I kind of broken in"

Hwa Yun sighs, paying attention back to the puzzle she has been working on since last night when she couldn't sleep "maybe that's what he needed though, someone to break down the door and refuse to leave"

>>>>>

~Jiyong~

"Jiyong, go get the laundry from the line while I get your brother some breakfast" my mother calls.

I'm on the floor playing with my toy cars, while my mother is in the kitchen making food for Seungri. I sigh and stand up heading out to get the cloths from the line. I hate doing this, I'd rather be smashing my cars together and running my car away from the police cars. I bunch the cloths up into my arms and carry them inside, setting them on the table.

"Here you go mommy" I say, before making funny faces at a giggling Seungri.

"Thank you Jiyong, now help me feed your brother while I fold" she hands me a bowl and a spoon, then proceeds to start folding.

"Jiyong did you drop any of these on your way here? or did you spill anything on it?" my mom asks after a couple of minutes.

I glance up after giving Seungri a big spoonful of food, and notice she's holding a shirt with a large stain on it "no, I didn't do that"

My mother sighs and glances down at the shirt like she's upset at it, then looks up at me like she's about to say something, but is cut off when my step father walks into the room.

"Have you seen my work shirt, I have to go in early today" he says, coming up to my mother.

My mother swallows like she just gulped down a large drink of water, while I avert my eyes back to Seungri continuing to feed him. I guess my stepfather notices the shirt, because all to soon i'm being addressed.

"Hey, fuck up, did you do this?" he ask, his voice scarily calm.

I shake my head and glance at my mother "no, I swear it wasn't me"

"Well then who was it, there's a giant stain on my damn shirt and I have to go into work today looking like a mess... who's fault is that Jiyong?" he ask, his voice steadily rising.

I flinch slightly, and look to my mother for help "it wasn't me"

My mother blinks and stands up, taking the bowl and spoon from my hands, and starts feeding Seungri without even a single glance at me.

My step father sighs "come on, I don't have all day, lets get this over with" He takes his belt out of his pant loops and grabs my hand pulling me out of the kitchen, while I looks wide eyed at my mother, who never once makes a sound or a single move.

A snap brings me back to the present and I gulp in a large breath of air, my chest heaving and my body trembling.

"I'm curious, why was that memory significant Jiyong?" Jungsoo asks me, once I've calmed down a bit.

I swallow thickly, pushing away the nausea brewing around in my stomach "that... that was the first time my mother stopped standing up for me, that was the first time she turned her back and let it happen"

Jungsoo nods "and how did you feel when she did that, why is that so significant to you?"

My lip trembles "I felt abandoned, it was the moment when my mother stopped caring about me, it was the moment when I lost her"

Jungsoo nods and writes something down on his normally abandoned notepad "ok, we're done for now, how about we get you a visitor?"

I nod "I want to see Seunghyun"

Jungsoo stops on his way to the door "you haven't seen your father or stepmother since last night, don't you want to see either of them, you just saw Seunghyun this morning"

I shake my head stubbornly and pull mini Seung against my side "I want Seunghyun"

Jungsoo sighs, but I notice a faint curve at the edge of his lips "alright, I'll get him"

>>>>>

"How are you doing sweetie?" a sweet natured nurse by the name of Jonghyun asks coming into the room, with a cart in tow.

I roll my eyes, not in the mood for chipper optimism "the white walls are mocking me"

The male nurse giggles "they like to do that, just tell them to fuck off, it helps sometimes"

I raise an eyebrow and glance over at the guy, who is dressed in blindingly bright yellow scrubs and a white cardiagan over them "are you sure you're a nurse and not a patient who thinks he's one"

Jonghyun barks a laugh and moves further into my room "you'd actually be surprised by how many times I've heard that. How's your head doing? Any pain? Hallucinations?" he asks picking up my chart.

I shrug "me and a purple moose got very well acquainted last night after I got brought in, but he was pretty chill so I didn't mind"

"So none yet?" he asks reading right through me.

I smile at his ability, probably developed over years of working in this ward "yeah, no hallucinations yet"

"Did you sleep last night?"

I shake my head "Seunghyun wasn't here, I was too cold, and it was too dark in here"

Jonghyun stops writing "do you have a fear of the dark?"

I shake my head "just don't like being alone in an unfamiliar place"

The male nurse reaches out and pats my ankle, a surprisingly comforting gesture, and he seems to notice this and smiles widely "your boyfriend drew me a picture of where you don't mind to be touched, so I don't make you uncomfortable or freak you out" he says lifting my official papers and showing off a poorly drawn human outline with shading of different colors all through out the person. Red in my 'off limits' zones, yellow in my 'ok, but try to avoid 'zones, and green for my 'go ahead, I don't care' zones, complete with a key for the colors and a hat on top of the drawling for accessory.

I snort and grin widely "god, why does he have to be so cute"

Jonghyun laughs with me "he's adorable, every time I walk out of the double doors he's attacking me with questions about how you are 'is he eating?' 'did he sleep alright last night?' 'is he being bitchy?' I didn't quiet understand that one at first, but now I realize that it's a sign that you're doing good"

I lean back on my pillows "I hate that he's worrying so much"

Jonghyun clicks his tongue "would you rather he didn't give a shit? Excuse my language, but I've been in one of those relationships sweetie, trust me I would love to have a man like your boyfriend fussing over me all the time"

"I've told you a million times, he wasn't worth it, plus he was already hung up on someone else" another male nurse, Kibum, remarks coming into my room, with a tray of food and a cup of medicine "lunch time my beautiful friend"

"You only like him because he's just as bitchy as you are" Jonghyun comments, going back to focusing on my chart.

Kibum laughs "I know, isn't he delightful, and I'm quite proud of that little piece of man candy he managed to catch on his line.. I mean dang has anyone else seen that boy?"

Jonghyun rolls his eyes "yes Key, we've all seen Seunghyun"

Kibum nod and places his hands on his hips "oh yeah, Onew said he wants another pudding... I said it was up to you"

The other nurse glances at his coworker "you know how he is with sugar"

Kibum nods "yeah, but I also can't say no to that damn pouty face"

"Fine, i'll go talk to him in a second, let me finish with Jiyong" Jonghyun breaths out clearly annoyed.

Kibum smirks "you look good in yellow by the way, I like those" he points towards the other nurses scrubs and winks at him before turning around, nearly skipping from the room.

I snort and smirk up at the man left a little disgruntled and red faced at the edge of my bed, who just points at me, shaking his head "not a word" then he goes back to my chart.

>>>>>

After lunch, or what I could actually force down of my lunch, I took Jonghyun's advice he had given before he left my room, of getting up and walking around a little. I'm actually interested at what kind of people I will run into on a mental ward, and maybe I can actually make a few friends just in case I actually lose it and have to spend the rest of my life in this damn hospital room.

"Oh, look who's actually coming out of his fortress of solitude" Kibum comments from the nurses station without looking up from his computer.

I roll my eyes "i figured you guys needed to be graced with my presence at least once during my time here"

Kibum glances up at me "have I mentioned that I really like you"

I snort and lift an eyebrow "careful your efforts in trying to suduce Jonghyun might be in jepordy if he hears that"

Kibum smirks and looks back at his computer "pretty and smart, a dangerous combination, but a force to be reckoned with"

I grab onto my IV pole and start dragging it down the hall "damn straight I am"

I hear Kimbum laughing under his breath as I move on down the hall which is mostly empty, except for an occasional person floating in and out of rooms dressed in the normal scrub attire that adorns every nurse and doctor working at this hospital. I haven't even been here one full day and I already hate the appearance of those scrubs, mostly because every time I see them, they are being worn by someone who wants to talk to me about how I feel or shove things down my throat. I understand that they just want me to stay calm, sleep well, and even get some food in my stomach, but my brain can't help but associate those damn scrubs with unpleasantness.

so far, I've managed to have two nightmares last night, both of which I woke up calling out for the one person I knew they won't let me see after a certain time, and I've had three sessions with Dr. Park, which I've taken to calling him again because I don't feel very friendly to him as he's cracking my head open. It's almost a weapon I use against him, the only thing I can actually use to fight back against his assault on my brain. I know he's doing this for my own good and I know I even asked for him to do this... but that knowledge doesn't make me feel any less violated or exposed, so I use what I can to feel like I'm not powerless in the rapid crumbing of my final wall... or with the way it's starting to turn, maybe its a dam.

I reach half way down the hall and have to grasp onto the IV pole tighter, even though it's barly a yard, I feel like I've ran a marathon. I curse at myself and take in deep breaths, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

"It's a combination of sleep depervation and malnutrition... sucks doesn't it?" A boy asks me with a smile in his voice.

I glance up at a guy giving me a lazy smile, but a wide one. The boy is dressed in pajamas covered in chickens and is holding what looks to be a stuffed pinapple "how did you know that I haven't been sleeping or eating?"

The boy chuckles "we see a lot of your kind in here... though you do look a bit rougher than the normal breed"

I raise an eyebrow "glad to know I'm not alone"

He laughs again and offers me his hand "the name is Onew, and this is Piney" he says pointing at the pineapple plushie.

I blink at the boy, not really sure how I'm suppose to act towards this person in front of me, but nevertheless I reach out hesitantly taking his hand "Jiyong, it's nice to meet you"

Onew smiles at me one last time and nods "well good luck with the whole being tortured by your past thing... I have a pudding waiting for me" then he hurries off to the nurses station to claim his pudding like he just won the Nobel peace prize.

I sigh and rub my temples 'maybe it wasn't the best idea to come out of my room'

>>>>

"No" I state firmly, crossing my arms across my chest.

"Come on Jiyong, just tell me one memory" Dr. Park pushes.

I skake my head, sitting cross legged on my bed "no way in hell, those are private"

Dr. Park taps his pen on his infamous note pad that he hasn't let go of since I was admitted "why is it easy for you to tell me any of the bad memories, even the sexual abuse you're able to talk through, but if I ever ask for one simple good memory or a time that made you happy, you suddenly shut me out? Why is this Jiyong?"

I shake my head again and pull little Seunghyun against my chest, breathing in the fading but still present smell of my boyfriend "i don't want to talk about those times, it's to painful"

"Why is this Jiyong? Because you've lost Seungri? is that why it's so hard for you? Are those memories that precious to you Jiyong?" Dr. Park asks.

I bite at my lip and look away "don't say that"

"Say what Jiyong? That Seungri is gone? Are you unaware of that fact today?" he asks, his tone never wavering from that of professionalism and unemotional.

I reach up and grab my neck with my hands, just below my ears "I'm done talking about this Dr. Park" I say in the same tone he's using, trying my best to hit some type of nerve.

Dr. park looks up from his pad and cocks his head to the side "I'm curious Jiyong, did you watch Seungri die? Is that why you've pushed that memory out of your reach? Do you not want to relive watching your brother slip away from you?"

My eyes widen at how carelessly he says these things, and how robotically he talks about my brothers death "why are you doing this?"

Dr. Park's eyes flash, but only for a second "you told me to break down the wall Jiyong, I can't do that without force"

"I don't want to go any further, I'm done... please just let me be" I plead laying down on my bed, squeezing my knees to my chest.

"Was Seungri also sexually abused?" he asks me instead of heeding to my begging.

At those words my world stills, everything in my head suddenly quiets and i can almost hear the click of a lock as another box is opened. The next seconds however turn to chaos, while my head attempts to catch up with the lost seconds, and the repressed memories once again take their rightful place among the other things my brain loves to torture me.

My breath catches in my throat and I attempt to suck in air that won't move in or out of my body. I feel as if I've been punched in the stomach forcing my lungs to collapse in on themselves. Images and memories suddenly fill my head, something big that I've been repressing, something that I never wanteded to relive. I clutch at my chest, making gasping sounds and flailing my body. I feel a hard and rough punch to my back, causing me to suck in a large breath of air, filling my lungs in a deliciously painful rush.

"Breath Jiyong" Dr. park says, rolling me over to look at him after I finally started to pull in oxygen.

Dr. Park sighs and sits on the edge of the bed "i went to far, didn't I?"

I tremble, barely registering his words behind the memories suddenly filling my head "I didn't know, I swear I didn't"

Dr. park turns back to me "know what Jiyong? What didn't you know?"

"I shouldn't have fought back, I should have just let him keep hurting me... if he hurts me, then Seungri is safe... I didn't know... I'm so sorry" I sob, and clutch at the bed sheets "it was all my fault, I was a coward, I was weak... I should have kept taking it, I shouldn't have done what I did"

Dr. park stares at me with wide eyes and swallows thickly "what did you do Jiyong?"

My lip trembles and I can feel the hot burn to tears flowing down my cheeks "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I should have been stronger, I'm so, so sorry"

Dr. Park places a hand on my shoulder and I flinch away from him, to which he holds up his hands in a display of meaning no harm "Jiyong, I need you to breath"

I look up at him, my thoughts scattered, my heart beating widly, and my breath coming out in short pants, but I do as he says, I focus on my breathing, I focus on the slow fill and deflate of my lungs. After a few minutes I start to feel calmer, I start to relax against my pillows, sagging back in exhaustion.

"Now, tell me Jiyong what did you do? What are you sorry for?" he asks slowly, pronouncing each word with careful precision.

I take a deep breath, I don't want to talk about this, I don't want this memory to come back to the surface. It was buried for a reason, and I shouldn't have dug it up, I should have let it stay padlocked away inside my mind for the rest of my life. My mind however clearly has different ideas than my heart, and my mouth starts speaking without my permission "I fought back, I was scared and I couldn't take his hands on me anymore, so I fought him off of me and ran out of the apartment"

Dr. park stares at me for a second, then grabs my hand ignoring the way I tense up at the contact "That's not weak Jiyong, that's nothing to apologize for, don't ever apologize for fighting for yourself"

My voice breaks when I try to tell him, when I try to tell him the truth of what happened, when I try to explain why I'm such a horrible person "but when I came back... when I came back home... he had... h-he had Seungri...." A sob breaks through my throat and I lean forward once again clawing at my chest, and the air refusing to enter my lungs.

Dr. park blinks at me, then his mouth opens in shock "he hurt Seunrgi, like he hurt you because you fought him off" he says this, not needing to ask, he knows what happened now "did he leave you alone after that?"

I shake my head violently, tears dropping heavily onto the blanket "He said it was my punishment for fighting him off, that I had to deal with the knowledge that Seungri was being hurt like that because of me... and the messed up part was that I believed him... I was a coward, I wasn't strong enough to take it for Seungri... it was all my fault. I swore that I wouldn't run away ever again and I wouldn't ever fight back if he just kept him out of it. I begged him not to touch him anymore, that I'd do anything he wanted if he just left Seungri alone"

Dr. park leans forward and places a hand on my bicep "did he stop? Did he touch Seungri after you made that deal?"

I swallow thickly "he stopped, but Seungri wasn't the same after that, he tried to seek comfort from me but I was so guilty that I let that happen to him that I wasn't there to protect him... I couldn't even look at him, the only thing I had left in this world and I couldn't even go near him without feeling so ashamed at myself" a sob racks my body and I wrap my arms around my waist to pull in some form of comfort.

"It wasn't your fault Jiyong, this is the fault of a sick and twisted man who thought it was ok to hurt little boys like this, a man who was suppose to be your father and instead he stepped over a line he wasn't even suppose to see... don't you dare blame yourself, blame him... he did this to you and to your brother"

I sniffle and look up through my blurry vision "but if I hadn't have..."

"No Jiyong, fighting back against someone who is hurting you is never something to be ashamed of, don't you understand how sick that man is? Don't you see how messed up that is? He forces himself on you, but you fought back and his solution is to hurt someone else and you as a punishment... Jiyong, you never deserved any of that and neither did Seungri... I realize you may never stop blaming yourself for him starting to do those things to Seungri, but don't ever think of yourself as a coward or weak... you are the strongest person I know Jiyong and you fighting back is so brave and admirable... what happened afterwards was his perversion, was because he was a horrible person" Dr. park squeezes my arm "blame that monster Jiyong, hate him, don't you dare hate yourself... you did what you felt you had to, to survive, to live... please don't ever feel guilty for being human"

I sniffle and nod "i wish I could have protected him, I wish he would have never had to experience that hell"

Dr. park sighs and gives me a look of understanding "that's how I feel about you Jiyong, I wish none of these things had ever happened to you, you are such an amazing person.. honestly it's almost sad that your step father couldn't see that.. he failed to see how lucky he was to have you in his life.

I shake my head "he never knew who I was, nor who Seungri was, the only things he saw us as were punching bags and stress relievers"

"You're so much more than that though Jiyong, don't listen to whatever he told you... you are important Jiyong, you have so many people who love you, and your heart is so beautiful... you have been through a lot of pain and you even have scars to prove it, but you still manage to get up and face the world every day, and that is something only few can say. You are so strong and brave Jiyong, be proud of who you are be proud of what you've managed to overcome"

I blink tears out of my eyes, choosing not to comment on his words, a comment isn't needed, instead I decide to voice something else that's sitting in the back of my mind along with the newly unlocked memories "we're getting close, I can feel it... it's like I can see the outline of it we're so close, we just need to keep pushing"

Dr. Park nods "how about you rest, I'll go get Seunghyun, after what you just remembered, I'm sure you'd like to be held"

I smile up at him as best as I can "thank you Jungsoo"

Dr. Park offers me a bright smile before walking out of the room and closing the door, leaving me alone with the demons we just raised from the pits of my own hell, till my angel can come and pull me out of their grasp.

>>>>

~Seunghyun~

"Is he getting better?" Eunhyuk asks, glancing sadly at the doors that have almost become ominous in themselves.

I sigh "not better... closer might be the right word for it"

"What do you mean? What is he trying to get closer to?" Jong Kook asks.

Ji's Tae Kwon Do class decided to take their practice off and came to see Ji instead, even though it's been weeks since Ji's been there, they still see him as one of them. It's actually kind of sweet how worried all of them look, continually glancing at the double doors like Ji will pop out and announce that everything is fine. Their hope gives me a little more strength than when I first woke up this morning.

"He's trying to unlock memories, things that he's locked away to protect himself, things that he needs to figure out what really happened all of those years ago" I close my eyes and rub my forehead "he needs to break, before he can be fixed"

Jong Kook glances at his boys "thats... that's almost sickening"

I nod "it was Ji's idea though, even with my many protests, I know that this is something he feels he needs to do"

Donghae grabs onto his boyfriends hand "are you allowed to see him?"

"One of the only people who can actually, Dr. Park says it's something about my presence helping him, so only his father, his stepmother, and I are allowed in" I explain.

I was shocked myself when I was told that I was on the list for visitations, but didn't argue. I'm allowed to see Ji and that's all that I want, even if it's for a very limited amount of time, it's still pleasant to know that I can offer Ji some sort of comfort while he's going through this.

"Though it's mostly Seunghyun who sees him" Haw Yun says joining us around the round table we had occupied after they arrived "which we don't mind, actually if you can comfort him, then I'm happy" she says quick to assure me to not feel guilty about how much more time I've gotten to spend with the boy.

Jong kook smiles "Seunghyun has always had this way with Ji though, it's almost kind of amazing to see the two of them together"

Haw Yun nods "I know, I don't think Seunghyun will ever understand just how grateful we are to him"

I chuckle "still in the room guys"

"Well not for long" Dr. Park pops up, nearly giving me a heart attack.

"God" I breath, grabbing at my chest "how do you do that? were you trained as a spy or something?"

Jungsoo laughs "just a psychologist. Jiyong wants to see you"

I nod "is he alright?"

Jungsoo sighs "we just unlocked a pretty big memory, he's not doing so great with it"

I jump out of my seat and scurry over to where the man is standing "is it something about Seungri?"

Jungsoo nods "something severely significant, I think we might be really close, we're on the right track, Jiyong told me himself"

I take in a deep breath "ok, let me go see him"

Jungsoo nods and punches in the code to unlock the doors "he's waiting for you"

I don't hesitate to rush back to the room, noticing, but paying no mind to the looks I catch from two of the nurses who are in charge of Ji's care. They are good guys, I haven't been able to talk to them much because every time I'm back here my focus is on Ji, but he seems to like them so I do too.

I reach the room and take in a deep breath I might need for later, then I open the door and slide inside. What I see makes my heart squeeze in one of the most painful of ways.

Ji is curled up in a ball, clinging onto his bear for dear life, trembling slightly with soundless sobs. Tears trail down his cheeks and his eyes are closed tightly as if he can shut out the memories clouding his head that way.

"Baby" I call out, and walk toward the bed "what's going on in there?" I ask tapping my finger against his head.

Ji whimpers and grabs my hand "hold me" it's a small request and if I wasn't listening for it, I wouldn't have heard it.

"Anything for you baby" I say crawling onto the bed and lifting Ji up and placing his body in front of me, tucking him against me tightly.

He snuggles into me and I wrap my leg over both of his and swarm my arms around him, creating a safety cocoon with my own body.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask, rubbing circles across his back.

"Seungri was raped like I was when we were younger, it was after I had fought back against my stepfather, he decided to punish me by taking Seungri... I still remember what it felt like, the absolute retching pain of walking in on the aftermath of what he did to my little brother"

I gasp slightly "I'm so sorry Ji, but you don't blame yourself for that right?"

Ji sighs "in some ways I do, I should have protected Seungri, I shouldn't have left and ran away... but I also know that him taking Seungri like that wasn't my fault... he was a messed up person and I shouldn't blame myself for his actions... I see that now"

I breath out, feeling almost relived at hearing these words come out of his mouth "that makes me so happy baby, you are so perfect, I hate when you don't see that"

"I'm far from perfect Seung"

I smile at this "you're perfect for me, I love you so much"

A small giggle escapes his lips "I love you too, with every bit of me that's left"

"One day you'll love me with all of you, and that will be the happiest day of my life"

Ji leans his head back to looking to my eyes "how can you be so patient? How can you wait for someone not knowing if the person you love will ever be complete?"

"Because you're worth waiting for Ji, I was prepared to wait forever just to get a piece of you, back when I was trying to get you to be with me... because every bit, even if it's only a small sliver, is the most precious thing to me" I slide a piece of his hair that had fallen into his eyes back into place, and put a small kiss to his forehead "but I know you'll be whole again one day Ji, you're to stubborn, you want stop till every piece is back in its correct place, I know it"

Ji giggles again and buries his head against my chest "I really don't know what I'd do without you Seung"

I chuckle and rub his back, tightening my arms around him "you'll never have to figure that out baby, I promise"

We sit in silence for a couple of minutes, soaking up any amount of comfort from each other that we can. When we are separated for as long as we are in between our visits, it's hard not to become addicted to the feel of Ji in my arms, safe and content. Knowing that he's away from all of the bad right here, that he can't be hurt by any outside influence makes my breathing steadier and my heart beat slower.

Ji starts trembling and I know he's crying again, but I continue to stroke his back, holding him close to me wishing that I could take this pain for him.

"He hurt my brother Seung, that bastared did terrible things to my baby brother" Ji whispers.

I place a kiss to his temple "I know baby, but he can't hurt anyone ever again, especially you"

"I won't let that monster take anything else from me Seung, I swear to you, I won't let him win" he says clasping onto my shirt tightly, and following his words with a tortuous sob.

I swallow hard, clenching my jaw to stop my lip from trembling "we'll fight together Ji, I'll be right by your side till the end"

Ji sobs again and I clutch his head in my hand, letting the tears fall for the broken-hearted boy in my arms. Yes, there is a fight ahead of us, but it's a fight I refuse to let us lose.

>>>>

All too soon my time is up, and I have to leave Ji behind, once again leaving him unprotected and alone. I can only hope that I leave him in better condition than what I found him in, and he'll be fine till I'm allowed to come back to him.

I pass through the doors waving at Jonghyun who decided to accompany me out "don't worry Seunghyun we'll take good care of him"

I nod and offer him a kind smile "you better, that boy in there is my life"

Jonghyun sighs, looking at me adoringly "lucky him"

I blush hard, but can't help a few chuckles as the man (whom I'm convinced belongs on this floor as a patient and not a nurse) starts laughing and walks back into the ward letting the door close behind him, once again separating me from Ji.

I take a deep, calming breath, though it doesn't feel as satisfying as it had when I was with my boyfriend. I turn around, heading back to my chair when I come face to face with a person I never expected to see here.

"G-grandma?" I stutter out.

The woman gives me a sarcastic look, but the concern in her eyes tells me what's really going on in her head. She reaches up and places a hand on my cheek, clearly noticing the dried tear tracks on the skin there.

She nods at me "that boy is strong Seung, trust me, he'll be fine"

I let go of an exhausted breath and bend down burying myself in the warmth and safety of the old woman's arms "I know grandma, it's just hard"

"Of course it it sweetie, but nothing worth going through is ever easy. Trust me he'll come through this a better person, he'll be stronger than ever" she says patting my back and swaying us back and forth "just be here for him like you have been, you can't keep him from the dangers of the world, all you can do is fight beside him and be the light guiding him through"

I smile and let go of the woman "I love you, ya old bat"

She chuckles and pats my cheek, maybe a little to hard "I love you to you giant pain in the ass"

I raise an eyebrow "how did you get here? Or even better, why are you here?"

"You don't think I'd stay home when my future grandson-in-law is in the hospital, do you? I need to be here for my babies" she says, showing off that fire that I love the woman for.

"Oh and I brought someone" she says, and I look over her shoulder finally noticing someone who's been staying there the whole time watching us.

I gasp and look back in forth between my grandmother and the person, wondering how in the hell she managed this, but deciding that I don't care, I'm just happy to see him standing in front of me.

I smile, tears pooling in my eyes and open my arms wide as the boy runs into them, grasping onto me tightly as if he won't ever let go again.

I chuckle and wrap my arms around him "Taemin, I've missed you kid"

✨✨✨✨✨✨

My Chickens!!! 😘

I've missed you guys, sorry it took me so long to get this out, I just had lot of things to get in order for where I need the next couple of chapters to go. I'm starting to get everything moving in the correct direction and its evolving the way I want it to, so hopefully my next updates will come out better.

I'm going to honest with you guys the next couple of chapters will be rough, the sentence 'he needs to break before he can be fixed' holds true and I hope you guys don't hate me for everything Ji is going to go through. The only thing I can assure you is that everything will work out in the end and that Ji and Seung will have a happy ending, they've been through too much not to give them one.

I love you guys, I'll see you next update!!

사랑해💕

~M~