We stand outside the heavy, darkly colored wooden door. The gold nameplate reading 'Dr. Park' staring at me with an ominous shininess that almost seems to be judging me. To say i am intimidated, is the worlds largest understatement, i am about to meet a man who dealt with Ji at his worst, a man whose seen Ji's darkness and can give me answers about the person Ji was back then. I have so many questions, my head seems to be swimming in nothing but unasked curiosity. It's hard to ask the boy in question these things because i'm terrified that one wrong word can set him off, and i don't want to do that to him, i can't do that to him.

A part of me feels that i'm only making it worse, constantly walking on eggshells, and doing anything and everything to make him happy but i can never seem to stop myself. I love Ji to much to push my luck, and honestly if he ever found out how i feel, he would only blame himself. I want nothing more than to ask Ji the questions constantly flowing through my thoughts, about his childhood, about Seungri, and even about the abuse, but i'm to scared to hear the answers or what those answers could possibly do to him because honestly i'm just as afraid of those steadily crumbling walls as he is.

"He's not a psychopath Seung, he's actually a pretty cool guy. You don't have anything to worry about" Ji jokes, attempting to lighten my mood.

I offer him the best smile i can and reach out to take his hand "i know, i've just never been comfortable around head doctors"

Ji chuckles "well, an easy way to make that better... don't call them head doctors"

I nod once, failing to fall into Ji's opening for a playful mood "ok, let's get this over with"

He shoots me a look that seems to be a combination of confusion and worry but thankfully chooses to ignore it and knocks on the door. A couple of seconds pass with soft shuffling noises heard inside the room, though with my heart pounding in my chest its a miracle i can hear anything at all.

"Seunghyun?" Ji implores lightly.

"Hmm?" i hum in response.

"You're cutting off the blood circulation to my hand" Ji says monotone.

I gasp and let go of his hand in surprise before looking down to see it red and blotchy from how hard i had been squeezing "i'm sorry baby" i pick up the hurt hand lightly bringing it to my lips, kissing it gently.

Ji sighs and leans closer to me "it's ok, but you are worrying me, why are you so nervous?"

It's my turn to sigh "i've haven't had good experiences with shrinks in the past"

"Would you like to talk about that?" someone asks startling both Ji and me. We turn to face a thin, mouse like man, whose smile seems to take up his entire face "sorry, didn't mean to scare you"

Ji snorts "yes he did, he enjoys sneaking up on people, he's kind of a dick like that"

The man who i can only guess to be Dr. Park shrugs "ok, i admit, i may get a small kick out of surprising people... I'm this pain in the ass's doctor by the way" he gestures to my boyfriend, who just rolls his eyes and gives the doctor an adoring look.

I really don't know what to say, it surprises me the way they talk to each other, but somehow it seems to fit. Ji takes notice of my confusion and takes a second to clarify "we discovered years ago that i corporate better if we speak to each other as friends"

I nod "oh, ok... um, it's nice to meet you Dr. Park" i bow and hold out my hand.

The small hamster like man in front of me smiles brightly and takes my hand "Hello Seunghyun, i've heard a great deal about you, and please call me Jungsoo"

I clear my throat awkwardly "alright, uh, Jungsoo"

"Is he always like this?" Jungsoo directs at Ji.

Ji shakes his head "actually no, he's never this reserved or shy, i don't know what's wrong with him"

The doctor gives me a curious look, but then turns and motions for us to come in "Well why don't you two come inside and we can figure it out together"

Ji drags me into the fairly large office and sets me down on the couch, where he scoots right up against me and places a reassuring hand on my knee. I take a deep breath and let him give me strength for a second or two. The last time i was in a physiologists office was right after Ravi... i shake it out of my head, i can't let myself go there, not today. Today is about Ji, i can't let the main point of coming here slip away.

"So, i've been asking to see your boyfriend since the day you first told me about the annoying boy who wouldn't leave you alone, so color me curious, why now? Why have you suddenly decided to bring him to me?" Jungsoo asks sitting down in a chair across from where Ji and i sit.

"We have some things we need to work through, and i feel like if we don't talk about them and clear up some misunderstandings, it'll slowly eat at us" Ji answers honestly.

Jungsoo nods "makes sense, what exactly are the issues?"

Ji sighs "Seunghyun is blaming himself for my hallucinations"

The Doctor groans "didn't we just go through this with your father?"

Ji snorts almost bitterly "i know, i had the same thought"

"Ok, Seunghyun, why do you feel like this is your doing?" Jungsoo turns to me.

I take a deep breath "i feel like my situation is causing him stress"

"And what situation is this?" tilting his head to the side and fixing me with a pointed stare, the doctor sits back in his chair as if ready to hear a story.

I shuffle in my seat, finding myself uncomfortable with his prying eyes upon me and just want to be out of this office. 'this is for Ji' i repeat to myself over and over before answering the doctors question "my aunt and uncle, they're my guardians, and they don't exactly approve of me being gay, but Ji and i want to move in together and i'm worried about what they will do if they don't approve"

"Well the worse they can do is kick you out, and you already have a place to live" Jungsoo attempts to joke, but i can't find it in me to laugh.

I sigh "i'm just worried about Taemin, my brother, he's all i have left and if my aunt and uncle try to keep him away from me, it would destroy me... i've lost enough already, i can't lose him"

Jungsoo nods slowly "i see, have you tried talking to your aunt and uncle?"

"We have plans to meet tonight, but it's kind of putting stress on everyone, especially Ji... i know he says he doesn't care about what people think of him, but i can see that it effects him more than even he thinks"

Jungsoo takes a minute to let this information sink in before giving an answer neither Ji nor I expected "I think you might be right Seunghyun, The stress of this situation may very well be resulting in Jiyong's hallucinations"

"What?" Ji exclaims "you're suppose to tell him the opposite, it's not his fault"

"Oh you're very correct in that Jiyong, it's not his fault, but the situation your under is to blame" Jungsoo informs.

I clear my throat before asking "how is that any different?"

"Well for starters, you didn't do this, it isn't your fault that your guardians happen to be close minded, and anything they do or say is also not your fault... you don't hold responsibility in anything they may do Seunghyun, but this also doesn't mean that the upcoming meeting with them isn't causing you two a great deal of stress"

The doctor smiles in amusement and gives Ji and incredulous look "I know you want me to put him at ease Jiyong, but I can't lie to him to make him feel better, I can however assure you Seunghyun, none of this is your fault, you've just been dealt a crappy hand... let it play through and count your chips later"

Ji huffs out an annoyed breath and slouches down against the back of the couch "you could have lied"

Jungsoo laughs "I could have, but what kind of physiologist would I be if I lied to patients"

"He's not your patient" Ji huffs.

The doctor laughs, before turning his attention towards me "No, but I would like him to be"

My curiosity catches me "what?"

Jungsoo gives me a warm look "I've been in this business a long time Seunghyun, and I can tell when a person needs help, you my friend have some darkness following you and I would like to extend a hand"

Ji sits up and looks at me "what does he mean Seung? Are there things you're not telling me?"

I take a deep breath, watching the main point of this starting to slip away, and the last place i want the attention focused, is on my past "we're here to talk about our problem, can we please just do that?"

Ji looks taken back but the doctor looks at me as if he almost expected me to shut them out like that "of course Seunghyun, what exactly are you struggling with about tonight?"

I groan and throw my head into my hands "Ji wanted to come here, apparently he's the one with the struggles, talk to him"

"Seunghyun" Ji says my name almost like I suddenly turned into a demon and is starting to sacrifice children "what has gotten into you?"

"Seunghyn, if i may, i feel like this hostility is directed at a particularly bad experience with a psychologist and i would like for a chance to prove that we arn't all the same" Jungsoo breaks in.

I consider this, but i can't seem to make my head listen, i want to give him a chance, i want to give him the opportunity he deserves, but no matter what i do i can't seem to convince myself to do so. "sure, i'll give you a shot" the lie was out of my mouth before i could stop it and i immediately know it's for Ji's sake. He needs me to understand or at least he needs to feel like i understand.

Jungsoo sighs "you don't have to lie to me Seunghyun, if you don't want to give me the chance then that's your own choice, but pretending like you are for Jiyongs sake is only hurting everyone involved"

As usual i'm seen right through, 'this guy is really starting to get under my skin'

I close my eyes letting my mind calm, I feel like a storm is raging inside of me, destroying and mixing up every coherent thought that pops into my head. I thought coming here would be fine, that I wouldn't feel that same way I did all of those years ago, but now sitting here faced with Jungsoo's prying eyes, tearing me to pieces and analyzing each one of them before I even have a chance to defend myself, I can't seem to catch my bearings. Day after day I sat in an office similar to this, feeling worthless and judged, every time i went into that office, i had to sit underneath the life sucking eyes of a man i came to truly hate. I was figured out before I even had a chance to sit down on this couch, and knowing that the man in front of me can see through every brick and stone I have my memories walled behind, makes me feel exposed, like a child freshly pulled from its mothers womb. There's nothing sacred in this office, no memories unreachable, no feelings undeniable, and no demons untouchable. I just want out of this place, I just want to go back home and crawl into bed with the love of my life and forget about all of this, but something tells me that the good doctor won't let me get out of this that easily. He hasn't given up on me, he's just changing the topic to give me a false sense of security, until he can swoop back in and claw every bit of pain out that he can reach.

"I just don't like talking to people that don't know me, it's nothing against you" I state, the doctor might be able to see right through me, but Ji is still untainted by my inner darkness and I want to keep it that way.

Jungsoo nods again, seeming to still know the truth, but deciding not to push it "that's understandable, how about we make a deal"

I feel weary to trust this man, but something is pulling me to at least hear him out "what deal?"

"How about you come back to see me every week, you can have half of Jiyong's time, all he does is talk about you anyways. Call it personal curiosity, but i think there might be something in getting to know you" the doctor offers "so, what i'm offering is for you to come in and see me, you tell me about yourself and i'll tell you anything you want to know about Ji that he hasn't been able to tell you"

I blink at him "isn't that unethical? sharing things about Ji that he doesn't want me knowing"

Jungsoo smiles kindly "not exactly, Ji has already given me the go ahead to speak to you about anything, like he said he's an open book to you, but i'm sure there are questions you have about some of the things he does or says that you're to afraid to ask him about... also a doctors approach to these situations might help Ji out because i can sense that you're the type to worry about things too much, but you keep it all bottled up"

Ji snorts without humor "he's good isn't he?"

I glance sideways at him and he just shrugs, like he's saying 'I've been through this too'. Then it suddenly hits me that I'm being an idiot, clearly Ji trusts this guy and I trust Ji's judgment. Maybe if I share the truth, they will understand my hesitance.

"My last psychiatrist was one that my aunt and uncle made me see, he had major ties to the church they go to... the first couple of months after I first moved here I was a mess and intensely sensitive... all he did was tell me that everything that happened between me and Ravi, my ex, was my punishment for the sin of homosexuality, then he spent most of my time with him trying to 'cure' me... I really actually started to think that I was an abomination and that my attraction to other men was a sin. I eventually came to my senses, and stopped seeing that doctor, but I've had a strong distrust of head doctors ever sense... they know how to crack your head open and brainwash you into seeing things the way they want to" i finish and take a large breath.

Jungsoo leans forward and places a hand on mine brifly "Thank you for sharing that Seunghyun, I know that wasn't easy for you, it's clear that those memories are hard to revisit and it took a lot of strength to tell us the truth. I'm not sure if you believe me, but I can promise you that my motive isn't to insert my own ideals into your head, actually it's the exact opposite, I want to pull yours out, and help you get over whatever is causing you pain...if you'll let me"

I take his words into consideration, all he seems to want is to help Ji and me. Though I'm still hesitant, a part of me is interested to take his outstretched hand.

"One condition, Ji stays with me until I feel comfortable with you" I state.

Ji squeezes my hand "of course Seunghyun, anything that gets you in this office, I'm game" the doctor smiles in his victory and i feel like i may have just signed over my soul.

"... Why are you so interested in helping me?" I ask curiosity getting the best of me.

Jungsoo smiles "you remind me a bit of someone very close to me... he also had a hard life growing up and was very introverted, call me crazy, but I feel like I need to help you. I know this wasn't the main reason you two came here, but i can't seem to let this go"

I nod "ok, I'll give it a shot"

The doctor smiles that face breaking smile once again "great, now that that's settled let talk about the big meeting coming up, how are your feeling about it?"

Ji groans "I'm worried"

Jungsoo tilts his head, a habit i'm starting to notice from him "How so?"

"I'm concerned that Seunghyun will lose Taemin... and I'll feel responsible" Ji admits "I love Tae like a brother and can't ever imagine losing him, so I can't even bring myself to think about how Seunghyun must feel"

"It won't be your fault Ji, you didn't make me gay" i roll my eyes

"Just like how you didn't beat me for years, but you still feel at fault for my nightmares and hallucinations" Ji snaps and i flinch at his harsh words, clearly he's still upseat at my behavior a few minutes ago.

"This is getting us no where, all we keep doing is blaming ourselves for things that arn't our fault, but yet we can't seem to stop" i groan rubbing at my temples in frustration.

Dr. Park sighs "none of it is to blame on either of you, quite taking responsibility for things that you can't prevent"

Ji huffs out an agitated breath "but if we can't convince them to let Seung move out and still let him see Taemin, how do i stop myself from feeling like i failed? How do i not feel responsible for that?"

Jungsoo thinks something over for a few beats before giving his best advice "listen to me boys, in this world we can't really force people to see things a certain way, all we can do is say our peace and hope they understand, if they choose to kick Seunghyun out and refuse to let him see his brother then that's not your fault, that's the result of ignorance and a refusal to change. All you can do is try"

"So what do we do?" Ji asks sounding as helpless as I feel.

Jungsoo swivels in his chair "tell them the truth, you two care about each other, and you want to live together, what happens after is their choice and in no way is your fault, what you decide to do with their choice is what will define you"

"Meaning?" I implore

"If they give you the decision to take away your brother, are you going to let that happen? Or are you going to fight for him?"

"I want to fight for him, but I don't know how" i run a hand through my hair and finally make eye contact with the doctor.

Jungsoo smiles "you'll figure it out, when the time comes, you'll know what to do and if you feel lost..." he gestures around his office "help is always in your grasp, if you're willing to reach for it"

Ji looks up at me and I gaze back at him, a conversation is passed between us in one look and we suddenly know what to do. It may not be a solution to everything, but it will appease us for now. The solution is so simple, we chuckle at each other for not seeing it before. We were so wrapped up in the possibilities that we couldn't see what's really important. We do nothing, we need to stop worrying about what might happen and focus on what's happening now. There's nothing we can do right now, and worrying only causes us unnecessary stress.

"I'm sorry Ji, I hate that I've been so wrapped up in all of this I couldn't see what was right in front of me... no matter what happens I still have you, and I know we can get through all of this together"

"Of course we can Seunghyun, and please stop blaming yourself for everything that happens to me, actually the fact that I've only had two hallucinations since we started dating is proof that it isn't your fault, because you're the one who's helping me" Ji says brushing a stray piece of hair away from my eyes.

"See, this is what warms my heart, you two have such a strong connection, don't let something as stupid as other people's opinions break you, the both of you are stronger than that" Jungsoo says offering us another of his infamous smiles.

I decided in this moment that I like Jungsoo, he's a good guy and just wants what's best for his patients. I feel guilty about passing judgment on him before I even entered his office and I'm actually looking forward to getting to talk with him again.

"Is there anything else you two have questions about?" Jungsoo asks.

Something pops in my head and I feel a deep heat spread across my face, which the over observant doctor notices.

"Go ahead Seunghyun, you don't have to be embarrassed" he prompts me.

I take a big settling breath "well it's kind of about a habit Ji has" I feel Ji's eyes boring into me, but I keep mine locked with the doctor for fear of losing my nerve.

"Go on" Jungsoo pushes.

I swallow hard "well Ji has kind of become... a bit adventurous... sexually"

Ji gasps beside me "Seunghyun"

I place my hands up in defense "I'm not saying I don't like it, but it worries me, I'm afraid you let your desires get the best of you and one of these days you'll push to far"

"I'm not a child Seunghyun, I know what I can handle" Ji pouts.

Jungsoo snorts "no you don't, Jiyong you always think you can do things that your just not ready for, Seunghyun's concern is very much in the right"

Ji crosses his arms over his chest and pouts like a child "it's not my fault"

Jungsoo chuckles "actually I agree with you Jiyong, your body is going through a prepubescent stage right now, all of the urges and desires you repressed for so many years are finally starting to catch up with you, your hormones are running wild right now and sometimes you don't exactly think things though"

"So basically I'm dealing with a horny teenager inside of a young adult?" i question, feeling a bit shell shocked by this new information.

Jungsoo snorts again "pretty much"

"That's not true" Ji wines.

"Oh really? How many times a day do you think about having sex with Seunghyun?" The doctor inquires.

Ji turns a dark shade of red and bites at his lip, silently answering the question with a 'too many times to admit'. I feel my cheeks light up at his admittance, but till find the humor in it.

Jungsoo and I crack up, leaving Ji a little ball of embarrassment "it's ok Jiyong, as long as you keep it safe and in a controlled environment you two can experiment away, I'm sure you understand his danger zones when it comes to touching?" Jungsoo questions me.

"Yes, we kind of mapped out the safe areas and the areas we need to work on" I answer.

"That's good, this is something you two need to steadily work on, I have a feeling Jiyong's fear of being touched will never fully disappear, but if you keep working on it you two will get to a comfortable place with each other" the doctor nods as he speaks "just be safe and smart about it, which means Seunghyun, you may need to tell him 'no' sometimes till you two figure this out"

"So no more dressing room hookups?" I say the words before I actually think them through and my mouth drops open. I turn abruptly to see Ji's eyes wide and focused on the floor "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... it just slipped out"

Jungsoo sighs "Jiyong honestly, sometimes I don't know whether to be proud of you or scold you"

Jiyong bites at his lip and finally looks at me "I hate you"

I can't help but chuckle at him, he's adorable when he's embarrassed "I love you too"

"Oh, so we are already to the 'I love you's'" Jungsoo inquires.

"I am... Ji's not ready to say it yet"

The doctor observes Ji for a second then rights something down on a pad of paper sitting in his lap that has been left abandoned till now. "Why is that Ji? Why can't you tell Seunghyun that you love him? Do you not feel it yet?"

Ji shakes his head, suddenly tensing up "I feel it"

"Then why can't you say the words? They're just words" the doctor probes.

Ji bites at his lip and i reach over grasping at his chin to free it from between his teeth while Ji speaks like nothing happened. I catch Jungsoo watching us out of my peripherals, clearly there isn't much he misses "But they're not just words. Saying 'I love you' has a deep meaning, telling someone that... it means a lot"

"And what exactly does it mean to you?" Jungsoo questions the slowly reverting Ji, who just shruggs and avoids his gaze.

"Does it mean that your are giving up power? Because saying those words means giving yourself to them completely? Is that what those words mean to you Jiyong?" the mouse like doctor pushes "or could they have a more personal reason for you?"

Ji doesn't say anything at first but then he sighs "the last person I said those words to..." He breaks off and we wait for him to finish but he says nothing.

"Was Seungri, right?" Jungsoo finishes for him.

Ji nods and I see a slight tremble in his lip "I'm scared that...." Ji stops again

"The next person that you say I love you to will leave you like Seungri did?" Jungsoo finishes for him once more.

I notice a tear slide down Ji's cheek and my chest aches. I reach over and pull the boy to my chest, holding him tightly. Ji snakes his arms around my waist and clutches at my shirt. I don't want his thoughts to go here. One day i want to see him come to peace with Seungri but not today, he can't fall to pieces yet. Honestly i do need to hear those words, even if they are just words, they mean something to Ji, they mean something to me and i want the moment i hear them to be out of complete meaning, not a needy desperation to keep me by his side.

"You don't have to say it baby, I feel it, its ok. Don't be scared... I won't ever leave you, I promise" I rub soothing circles over his back and let him silently cry into my chest.

Ji squeezes me tighter and turns his head so he can talk "I know Seung, i trust you with everything I have, but I still have this intense fear that I'll lose you"

Jungsoo sighs "Not everyone you love will disappear Jiyong, you have to take risks and let people in. If you live your life without loving and being loved how is that any different from losing that love? I would rather look back and know that I had a life worth living because I had love instead of a life spent alone. They are just words, they hold no power to make anyone disappear, the feeling is there, all those words are is a vocal confirmation of that feeling. You love Seunghyun whether you say those words or not... but trust me, it's still something you need to say Jiyong. This is something we've been over and over, this fear is holding you back from being happy, let it go Jiyong, let go of this fear, of this pain"

Ji takes in a calming breath and wipes his eyes "it's just... I've only ever really loved one person unconditionally... how can you hand a heart over to someone when it's shattered to a million pieces?"

My breath catches in my throat, I've never heard Ji talk so freely about his pain before. He's always so adamant about putting on a brave face and acting like he's fine, but hearing him talk about being broken... it makes something crack a little inside of me. I never knew it went this deep, Ji doesn't just think he's broken, he thinks he's obliterated and has nothing to give me. He's afraid i will leave him and that i won't except the person he is, this is what is holding him back, this is the wall that still separates us.

"I'll put you back together Ji" i say before Jungsoo can reply.

Ji turns to stare deep into my eyes, his are filled with an intense vulnerability and sadness "what?"

"I will find every piece and put you back together, even if it takes the rest of my life to figure out the puzzle, I won't stop till you're whole again" I vow with every inch of my soul, I will do this for Ji, I will make sure that the man I love will never feel broken ever again, and when the day finally comes for him to tell me that he loves me, i will makes sure that he feels like he's giving me everything.

Tears reappear in Ji's eyes and his lip trembles "do you mean that?"

"Every word Ji, I promise. I just want you Ji, even if it's one piece at a time, i just want you" i reach up and grab both sides of his face, staring deeply into his eyes so he can see the depth in my promise.

Ji throws himself back into my arms and hugs me tightly. He says nothing else but nothing else needs to be said, I've made him a promise and I will keep it.

Jungsoo sighs and looks up blinking tears out of his eyes "I think that we can stop here for today, because you two are going to ruin my makeup if we continue, but I'd like to talk more about this next week"

Ji nods against my chest and I smile faintly, I know that this talk hasn't even scratched the surface of the box of pain Ji has padlocked tightly inside his chest, but I feel like we might be finally getting somewhere. I understand now why it's so hard for him to tell me that he loves me, and that fear he has makes my chest ache. I don't ever want Ji to be afraid that I'll leave him, I could never do that, honestly I need him to much and i never want him to feel like he isn't enough, he's perfect to me, the thought of him being broken never crossed my mind. He holds a great deal of pain and may have some problems, but that just shows how strong he really is, that fact that he's been through hell and is still able to stand tall and keep walking forward proves how unbroken he actually is. I will show this to him, he's not broken, he's just cracked and i will fill those cracks with happiness and love, if he'll let me.

"Let's go baby" I say pulling Ji's head up with my thumb and forefinger grasping his chin.

He smiles lightly and nods again "can we get ice cream on the way home?"

I chuckle at his cuteness "of course we can, you know that's my weakness, and there is something else I'd like to pick up as well"

"What?" He asks.

I smile "you'll see"

............

We say our goodbyes to the good doctor and promise to be back next week at the same time. We climb into his car and I tell him where to drive to, he obeys cautiously and soon we are pulling up in front of my aunt and uncles house.

"What are we doing here?" Ji asks confused.

I beam at him "give me a second" I unbuckle and open my door without giving him any more of an explanation, then I nearly skip to the front door and walk inside without bothering to knock.

Once I reach the room I am looking for, I knock loudly, hearing some random kpop song blaring noisily through the room. Taemin answers the door a few minutes later looking disheveled and slightly asleep. "can I help you?"

"Were you sleeping? Tae it's like almost five thirty" i ask raising an eyebrow.

Taemin rolls his eyes "I was bored, my best friend decided he wanted to spend time with his boyfriend today instead of me and I had nothing to do"

I snort "well now you do, get dressed bitch face"

"Excuse me?" He gives me a diva filled look that reminds me of Ji's, clearly he's picking more up than fashion sense from my boyfriend.

"You heard me, go now, and don't take to long, Ji's waiting downstairs" i rush.

Taemins face lights up at the mention of his best friend "really?"

"Yes and we're going for ice cream, so I'm running out of patience" I shift my feet back and forth to emphasize my impatience.

Taemin rolls his eyes but beams at me just the same "ok, ok... don't get your panties in a bunch"

.....

A few minuets later Ji and Taemin are chatting happily about some new BB cream that had just come out and we are heading to the ice cream shop. I watch my two boys giggle and speak to each other in a manor that I don't really a have the heart to be jealous of anymore. I realize now that I was being stupid and irrational when I was jealous of Taemin and Ji's relationship, but now I can see that brotherly love there. Ji shares the same feelings for Taemin that I do and I have no right to ever be jealous of that.

Suddenly I'm reminded of the reason i wanted to spend the rest of the day with Taemin, and I'm filled with a sadness and longing. My brother is right in front of me and already I miss him. I reach out and place my palm on his cheek, caressing his face fondly like I use to when we were kids. Taemin looks at me with a questioning gaze, but seems to see something in my eyes that makes him smile with the touch.

"I love you Minnie" I say with a sad smile.

"Is something wrong hyung?" Tae asks concern heavy in his voice.

Ji shoots us a sad look before focusing back on the road "there's something we need to talk about Tae" I say quietly.

Taemin's face drops "what's wrong?"

I take a deep breath, preparing myself "Tae, I've decided to move in with Ji and his family"

Tae snorts "you're practically living there already Seung, this is nothing new"

"Well I mean like officially, moving all of my stuff out and everything" i explain further.

Taemine's eyebrows pull together "so like you wouldn't ever come home? Will you come back to see me?"

"Of course Tae... well actually... that's a problem were concerned over... if I officially move in with Ji, his parents want to talk to aunt and uncle... but I'm not sure if they will approve... and there's a strong possibility that they won't allow me to see you anymore"

Taemins eyes narrow and he starts to pout angrily "No, I won't let that happen, they can screw off"

"Taemin don't talk like that" I chide

"No seriously Seunghyun, we've been together since I was born, I'm not going to let them keep us apart" Taemin says defensively. "we're all we have left, you and me against them remember"

I sigh and rub my hand against his cheek "I know Tae, I'm not saying I'm not going to fight for you, I'm just warning you that this could get difficult and a bit messy"

Taemin nods "I'm prepared Seung, I choose you, I'll always choose you"

I glance over at Ji who is smiling at the windshield, then back at my brother who holds a face of complete certainty and I get a feeling that I haven't had in a long time... that everything is going to be ok, it may be hard, but with my boys by my side, we'll be just fine.

.............

"Taemin, slow down" I call laughing at my brothers childlike antics as he runs across the grass toward a small swing set. "I swear he's five years old sometimes"

Ji laughs and takes my hand "it's pretty today" he looks around and smiles contently.

I do the same and notice that the grass is steadily greening and the trees are starting to take on with new life, spring is definitely here and maybe just in time. We decided to stop at the park after going to the ice cream shop to run off all of the sugar and enjoy the beautiful day and looking at all of this, i'm glad we did.

"Seungri and I use to go to the park down the street from our house when we were kids, it wasn't fancy or anything, it had one swing set and an old slide, but we loved it as if it were the most amazing park in the world" Ji stops abruptly and turns to me "Seungri use to be all I had, I understand what it's like to love someone as much as you love Tae... don't let him slip away Seung, ok?"

I sigh and caress his cheek with my palm "you're more aware than people think you are, aren't you? About Seungri?"

Ji closes his eyes "some days are clearer than others, some days I expect him to walk into my room and crawl under the covers with me like he use to... but others... I-I know"

"Why haven't you let yourself cry about it Ji? Why haven't you let go?" I ask desperately trying to get answers but a little apprehensive that he'll lose it.

"Something's holding me back" he says looking at me again.

I brush a piece of hair out of his eyes with the tip of my finger "what is baby?"

Ji's sighs and shrugs "I'll tell you when I figure it out"

I want to ask more questions, Ji's never this open when it comes to Seungri but I'm unsure if I should push it. I'm about to ask another question when I'm interrupted by a loud squeal followed by obnoxious giggling. I glance over to find Taemin swinging so high on one of the swings that he nearly flips over the bar as the swing reaches its peek every time.

"Tae, be careful" I call, shaking my head at the boy.

Ji chuckles, but there's a sadness in it "you should go spend time with him, it may be the last time you can see him like this for a while"

I look back at my beautiful boyfriend and try to decipher where his head is, but he just shoots me a reassuring smile "go, I'll be right behind you, quit worrying about me"

I chuckle "stop telling me not to worry about you, it won't prevent me from doing so and I love you, so I'm going to worry about you... constantly, it's easier if you just except that now" I keep Ji's hand attached to mine and we head in the direction of Taemin.

"Guys, can we play soccer? Ji has the ball in his car" Tae says running and meeting us half way.

I snort and look from my boyfriend to my brother "I'm not that coordinated guys"

Tae grins "I know, that's what makes it funny"

I jump forward and pull Tae into a headlock messing his hair up, forcing little squeals out of his mouth, but he's also giggling wildly which makes me smile and do the same. We wrestle around for a few minutes and eventually end up on the ground, with me pinning his arms behind his back. "say you're sorry"

"Ok, ok, I'm sorry" Tae pleads

"I'm sorry what?" I push.

"I'm sorry hyung" Tae whines loudly

I laugh without reserve and I finally let him go, basking in my victory. I help Taemin up and brush the grass and dust off of both our cloths, snickering at Taemins whiny protests of his cloths being dirty. I glance up feeling something being a little off and finally notice what it is, Tae follows my lead and catches on quickly. We look around dramatically realizing that Ji is no longer with us and soon my whole body is spinning around searching in every direction for the boy. I start to feel panicky and my breath begins to rush out in short little breaths. All of the many things that could happen to him flash through my head and my vision blurs for a second.

"Ji" I call out and Taemin gives me an equally worried look. "Jiyong" I yell louder.

I start to walk forward with a whimpering Taemin flanking my heels, my head spinning around in every direction probably giving me a mild form of whiplash. My panic rises by the second, I don't know what i'll do if something happens to him. Finally after what felt like an eternity of searching, i see the bleach blond colored bun that Ji always wears on his head after school making its way toward us on the other side of some tall bushes. Taemin and I notice it at the same time and we are soon sprinting towards the boy. We reach him as he rounds the corner of the bush wall and comes into full view, nearly tackling him to the ground. I manage to pull him into my arms tightly, probably a little to tight, while he just stands there too shocked to move.

"Wha.. Seunghyun? What's wrong?" He asks pulling away from me as much as I'll let him.

"Where were you? What happened?.. I turned around and you were gone, no where in sight" I say but it all comes out in a rushed jumble.

I finally let Ji step out of my arms but my hands stay on him, caressing his head, arms, face, anything I can touch to reassure me that he is alright. Then I realize what he's holding... a soccer ball is placed firmly in his hands and he's giving me a look like I've gone off the deep end.

I breathe out a large breath I didn't know I was holding till now, and close my eyes letting sweet oxygen calm my pissed off lungs. "Do you know how scared I was? One minute you're there and the next... Poof... Do you know all of the terrible things that ran through my head as we were looking for you? Jesus Christ Jiyong" I place my hands on my knees and bend over breathing deeply.

"I-I just went to get the soccer ball" Ji states sounding small.

Taemin steps foreword "you also didn't tell us that you were going to go get the ball, I've never seen Seunghyun so terrified" my brother laughs at my near death experience.

"I-I didn't know that I w-would worry you guys that much" Ji stutters, seeming surprised.

"Of course you did silly, we love you Ji and the thought of losing you... it's unthinkable" Taemin pulls Ji into a tight hug "just don't do that again ok? You scared the bajesus out of us"

Ji's eyes shift from me to Taemin a couple of times before he smiles and nods "sorry, I won't do it again, promise"

.........

We stay at the park for a couple of hours but all to soon it's getting dark and my aunt and uncle will be making their way to Ji's house for our dreaded meeting, Ji and i are stalling, using every excuse we can manage to stay longer, but eventually we know that it's time.

"Come on Seung, let's just go and get this over with" Ji urges me, as we walk back to Ji's car.

"I want to come with you guys" Taemin says determined.

I sigh and wrap and arm around his shoulders "no Minnie, not this time, this is something Ji and i have to face together and i think you being there will only make things worse"

Taemin pouts and sighs "i know what i said earlier about 'screw them' and that 'i wont let them separate us' but i'm still scared Seunghyun, what if they actually try to keep us apart, what if they move me to a different school or what if we even move to another part of Seoul?"

I take a deep breath, Taemin isn't voicing any fears i haven't thought of myself "i know your scared Tae, but trust me ok, put some faith in your big brother. I won't let us be separated, you and me, right?"

Taemin smiles lightly "no"

My eyebrows pull together "no?"

Tae's smile brightens "it's not just you and me anymore Seung, It's you, me, and Ji... all three of us, we're a family now"

My heart squeezes at his comment and i turn to Ji to find him just as touched as i am "yeah, you're right Tae, all three of us, together, against them"

Ji smiles and looks on the verge of tears "god, will someone please hug me before i lose it"

Tae and i laugh, then pull Ji into a large group hug, letting the strength of the love we have for each other soak into our bodies, preparing us for what is about to come.

>>>>>>>

We sit awkwardly at the kitchen table, Ji and i on one side, while my aunt and uncle sit on the other, and Ji's parents inhabit each end. I blow out a shaky breath as the uneasy silence continues and Ji squeezes my hand under the table.

"We don't exactly understand Seunghyun, why are we here?" My uncle asks confused.

I swallow hard "um, well you see uncle... um, Jiyong and i have talked about it and we think it'll be a good idea for me to..uh, move in with him and his family... i mean we are graduating in a couple of months anyways and um, it'll just be easier to be together since we plan on living together while we're in college" the memory of Ji telling me that he wants to go to school at Seoul university so we can stay together suddenly inhibits my mind, but i push it away, i need to stay focused. "but, Mr. and Mrs. Kwon wanted to talk to you before that happens, get your input on it"

My uncle shifts uncomfortably in his chair, and sets his jaw in a tight manor "legally you can do as you please Seunghyun, but being perfectly honest we don't approve"

My throat feels thick and i have to clear it before i speak "i know i'm still in high school, and i'm still very young to be making this decision but i care very deeply about Jiyong and this is what i want"

"That's not exactly why we don't approve Seunghyun, though we do worry about you rushing into this relationship... the fact that it's with a man is more concerning" My uncle clarifies.

I receive another squeeze from the only thing keeping me calm right now "i respect your views, even though they are not my own, you're entitled to your opinions, but Ji and i love each other and it doesn't matter if he's a man or not, love is love"

"Seunghyun, we are fully aware that you care about Jiyong, but we worry that you are wasting so much of your time on him, when you could be having a normal relationship with a woman and preparing a future together. When you finally get over this phase, you'll look back and regret these choices. We just want what's best for you" My aunt breaks into the conversation.

My jaw locks and i look away from the people across the table. How dare they call Ji a phase, he's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and i love him with every inch of my life. I knew they had warped ideas about homosexuality, but i never knew that they considered me being gay to be a phase. My blood pulses through my veins like lava, scorching everything in its path. I want to scream at them, tell them that they are fucking stupid and narrow minded, but Dr. Parks words force me to bite my tongue. I can't force them to understand my side, all i can do is say my peace and hope for the best.

"To me, Jiyong is what's best for me, he makes me happy. He makes me think things through when i get frustrated and angry, he calms me when i get self concious and start to doubt myself, and he makes me laugh when the world seems dark and depressing... Ji's everything to me and you may think it's a phase, but i can assure you that i will never stop loving him"

My aunt gives me a sad look "i'm sure you feel like that now Seunghyun, but it's just puppy love, you two are still young, you don't know what real love is. Real love can only be experienced between a man and a woman, who can build a home, a family, and a life together. I don't doubt that you two love one another, but that love won't last and shouldn't last"

"It will last, how is my love for Ji any different that your love for uncle?" i ask grasping at anything to understand why they see things the way they do.

My uncle shoots me a look "don't compare your homosexual love to the love i have with my wife, your love is wrong"

"You mean my love is different" i counter "just because you don't understand it, doesn't make it wrong"

"Seunghyun, we just want you to have a normal life, with a wife and kids. I don't know why you have fallen onto this path, but we just want you to live a regular life, you'll understand one day" My aunt says, holding her hands up defensively "we can help you, you can get your life back on the correct path again, you still have a shot at redemption"

Yang Suk intervenes before i have a chance to say anythings else "wait a minute, now i'm hoping to god that you two arn't in the ways of thinking that your nephew and my son are going to hell for being gay, because that's just ridiculous"

"listen, we're not the type to debate religion, but we happen to agree on the matter of homosexuality being a sin. We don't judge those who choose this lifestyle, but we don't condone it either, specially within our nephew" my uncle informs "we simply want him to choose better for his life"

"So you would rather Seunghyun to live his life denying who he really is, just for the sake of living the way you think he should? Don't you care about Seunghyun being happy?" Yang suk asks clearly frustrated.

"Of course we do" my uncle answers like he was even crazy for asking that question "Seunghyun can be very happy in a healthy and natural relationship with a woman"

A growl of agitation leaves my lips "I don't want a woman, I don't want anyone else, I want Jiyong" Ji smiles faintly, so lightly that i'm sure no one else sees it, but he gives my hand a reassuring squeeze to let my know that he feels the same.

"I'm sure you feel like that now, teenage hormones make us feel all sorts of things that we shouldn't. I'm sure you feel like you love this boy and that you will never be happy without him, but it will pass Seunghyun" my aunt says in a way that seemed like she was already trying to help me through the heartache of our breakup "you two still have time, it's not to late to fix this and save yourselves, lust is a sin that can be forgiven"

"There is no sin here, how can two people loving each other be a sin, they aren't together just because of sexual desire, this is a real love, I've seen it... they need each other" Hwa Yun try's to explain.

"I'm sure it may seem and feel that way, but that's how sin works, it makes you feel like it's right, but it's not, this is wrong and we can't condone someone living under our roof living this way" my uncle shoots back "we may be too late to help you Seunghyun, when you came to us we wanted to give you time to heal and process before we started fixing you, but now we realize that we were wrong and we are so sorry if we have condemned your soul because of our negligence"

"He's not broken" Ji speaks up for the first time since we've sat down, and everyone at the table seems just as surprised as I am at his outburst "he's not some toy that you accidentally dropped, he's a human being who loves someone. How can that be wrong?"

"It's unnatural Jiyong, man and man were never meant to love each other in that way" my aunt tells him almost sympathetically.

"The way I feel about Seunghyun is the most natural thing in the world, it's like breathing, we were put on this world to find one another, I feel that deep in my bones. Seunghyun is everything to me, I love him and just because you say that it's wrong won't change that" Ji stops and takes a deep breath, while I'm left feeling like I just got punched in the stomach, Ji said he loved me, it may not have been direct, but he actually said it.

He continues "how can you sit there talking about sin when your judgment is the biggest sin of all. Your job as Seunghyun's guardians are to love him, keep him safe, and make sure he's happy, but your doing the exact opposite, all you're doing is making him feel like shit"

"Ji" Yang Suk warns the now shaking boy beside me.

I reach over and place a hand on my boyfriends shoulder "calm down baby, they don't get it, and I have a feeling they never will... I love you, you and I know that... that's all that matters" Ji turns his head looking deep into my eyes, seeming to search for the confirmation of my words and seems to find what he's looking for because a small smile stretches across his lips.

Assured that I stopped the ticking time bomb, I turn my attention back to my aunt and uncle, who's faces are pulled into a look of distaste "the one thing I'm concerned about is Taemin, moving out and severing all contact with you guys won't make me lose sleep at night though I would like it to be different, I know that's not going to happen, at least not any time soon... But my concern is and always has been Taemin, I want...no, I need to stay in his life, he's the only family I have left... if you want me to beg, I will... but please don't take Taemin away from me only because you disagree with how I'm living my life" I plead silently in my head for them to at least see reason in this.

My uncle sighs "your aunt and i have discussed this before, and we made a decision that it would be best that after you leave for collage for you to sever ties with Taemin, and maybe it's best to do so now that you've clearly made your decision, it'll be easier this way"

"No, that's not happening" i say defiantly.

My uncle sighs once more, this time sounding more annoyed "listen Seunghyun, your brother is heading down the same path you are, and we feel like a heavy influence of that is because of you... if we have any chance of saving Taemin then it might be best if you stay out of his life"

"We can't keep him away from you at school, but prolonged visits and communication will have to end, and then once you leave for college, that will be it. Like we said we can't allow someone who is living in that sin to live under our roof" my aunt adds.

My heart nearly stops and my breath catches in my throat "please... please don't do this"

"We're sorry Seunghyun, we've given you a chance, but you've made a choice, we just hope you can live with the consequences" my uncle chides.

"Dad" Ji pleads to Yang Suk "do something, please, don't let them do this"

Yang Suk sighs almost in pain "I'm sorry boys, Seunghyun is of age where he can leave on his own choosing, but Taemin is still legally under the guardianship of Mr and Mrs Lee"

"It's the best for Taemin" my aunt sighs "he still has a chance at a normal life Seung, let him have that chance"

I close my eyes briefly, trying to calm the rage building in side of me. My worst fears are being realized, they are taking Taemin away from me... and there is no way in hell I'm letting that happen "no, I won't give up, I will fight for him and I will never stop fighting for him. Go ahead, try and stop me from seeing him, I won't stay away from him just because you tell me to"

"Seunghyun..." my uncle starts but is broken off by Yang Suk

"I think you've said enough for today, though your ideals about how other people should live their lives are fascinating, I think you've said your peace... now please, get the hell out of my house" Yang Suk says in a calm that's almost creepy.

My aunt and uncle take the hint and get up to leave, but my aunt stops by the door way "I hope one day you find your way back to the light Seunghyun, we don't hate you, actually we love you and want the best for you... I just want you to know that"

I nod but refuse to look at her, this woman who has always been kind to me, took over a sort of mother role even though she never fit it for me... she tried, and I can never be mad at her for that. I don't hate them either, I just wish they saw things differently, but no matter how much I do care about them, they will never keep me from Taemin.

They leave and i finally let everything go, and before i know it i'm deeply sobbing with my head on the table. Everything that has been building up, all of the emotions i stuffed down today are freely flowing out of me, one tear at a time, and it won't stop. This helplessness i'm coming accustom to feeling just won't leave me, and it claws at my chest making my skin burn.

"Seunghyun" Ji smooths the hair away from my face as he wraps his arms around my waist "it's going to be ok, we won't let them do it, please don't cry"

I feel a pat on my shoulder and Hwa Yun's calm voice fills the room "i think the stress of today is just catching up with him, give him a few minutes to let it out"

Ji pets my head "i just hate to see him like this"

Yang Suk laughs shortly "we all do Ji, but trust us Seunghyun, we will do everything it takes to keep you and your brother together"

"Why? Why help me?" i ask, finally lifting my head off the table.

Yang Suk places a hand on my shoulder next to Hwa Yun's "because your our son Seung, we love you, and want you to be happy"

I smile, even through the tears and sobs stuck in my throat, i manage to smile. When i first met Ji, i fell for him, i knew that day if i could somehow, someway make him mine than i would be the luckiest guy in the world. I figured that if i got a chance to love this boy and have him love me in return then i would truly be happy, but i never ever in my wildest dreams thought that not only would i get to have Jiyong, but i would also get the most amazing family in existence. They are everything i've ever wanted, they love without judgment, laugh without sadness, and live surrounded in happiness. How i got so lucky to gain so much in my life in such a short amount of time must clearly be the work of a higher power, this is where i see God, in the smiling faces of these people i now have the privilege of calling my family. Ji says all the time that i have saved him, but honestly i think we've managed to save each other, the love we share is one that i know with never fade, but instead get stronger as we grow old together. We make each other happy, and he makes my life worth living, and this i know with every part of my soul, is most definitely not a sin.

My Chickens!!

Goodness, long chappie, sorry, but it's necessary. I hope you all liked it, comment, like, follow, you little freaks know the drill.

A great deal happened in this Chapter and i hope that you all enjoyed it. I hate that i had to do that to Seunghyun, i didn't intend to make his aunt and uncle out to be that... hateful? when i started writing this one, but somehow for the direction this story is going, it just seemed to fit. Don't be to mad at me about Tae and Seunghyun being slit up, it's important to the story, i promise!

Anyone else like Dr. Park as much as i do? haha i like him, like i think i would go and see him if he existed in real life, and it helps that he's sexy as crap. But he'll become a more in depth character so look out for more Dr. Park!!

Ugh, My Tae baby breaks my heart though, i don't want to ever hurt him, i want to protect him from the bad of the world, but as a writer it's kind of my job to make the characters real. Sorry guys, i'm going to make it better, trust me.

Well till next time my lovelies, stay strong and don't obsess over GTop to much!!

사랑해💕

~M~