~Jiyong~

I wake up to the light sounds of snoring filling the room. I sit up in bed and glance over at Taemin sprawled out across the floor, with soft grumbling noises emanating from the boy.

Seunghyun's grandmother has a couple of things to still wrap up in Busan till she moves to Seoul, so until then the kid is crashing at my place. At first i had offered for Taemin to sleep in the bed with me, but Seunghyun wasn't having any of it, and Tae refuses to be in any room other than mine, so he has taken up permanent residence on a makeshift palate on my bed room floor.

It's actually been nice to have Taemin around. I didn't realize how much i actually missed the boy until i have him around all the time. With everything that Seung and i have been caught up in, i forgot how much the kid actually brightens up the space around him, how much energy he brings to the people close to him. Looking back now, It's almost scary how much i had started to rely on Taemin, how much i had integrated him into my life, to the point where I can almost feel the actual hole he leaves behind when he's not around.

I think that's why Taemin reminds me so much of Seungri, and i think that's why i latched onto him so hard, because i almost need him in my life. Taemin brings in life to my world, he makes it easier to breath, after I've been just short of suffocating for so long. After i lost Seungri the light faded to the point where i thought i was going to be lost in the dark forever, but then Taemin came in and i found it again, i found reasons to be genuinely happy, and i can never thank the kid enough for that.

Taemin makes it easier to breath and Seunghyun gives me a reason to, with the two of them in my life i'll never feel suffocated again, i'll never have to understand what it feels like to be helpless or lost. I have my boys in my life and with them i know i'll be ok, I'll get through anything with them by my side.

I glance over at the man currently koala bear'd around me and smile fondly at him "you're lucky i love you" i mumble and place a small kiss on his forehead.

Seunghyun grumbles something incoherent and try's to snuggle closer to me, but I fight it off. I'm in major need of a shower and now, while everyone's out cold and not monitoring me like hawks, it's a good time to sneak a quick one in.

Chuckling, i slink out of Seunghyun's hold on me and pad across the room to pull the blanket up over Taemin's shoulders. I wonder for a brief second where his shirt went, but then again I'm not sure I want to know, so i put it out of my mind and give the boy a quick pat on the head before making my way to my bathroom.

I turn on the water, bringing it up to full blast, admiring the steam that quickly fills the room. It's been a while since I've taken a long hot shower, and i really want one. I sigh contently, letting the warmth radiating around me, relax my muscles.

Pulling off my cloths, and folding them, I move over to the shower and pull back the door. I've always loved my shower, it's so big and the stone tile makes it feel modern and clean. Even when i was a child i always had an obsession with showers and baths, something about cleaning yourself, stripping away all of the impurities that have touched your body, makes me feel almost restored, like recharging a battery that's near dead.

I step under the water, sighing out a huge breath of relief, rolling my shoulders, feeling them unbundle with every second. I take the luffa off the wall and the soap, beginning to scrub my body. It feels so good, like I'm not just scribing away dirt and dead skin, but I'm scrubbing away every little bad thought, every little something that caused me stress.

I spend way more time than I should under the spray, and soon my hot steam filled water takes on a cooler existence, so I'm forced out of my sanctuary back into the cold unforgiving room outside the cubical.

I take my time drying off, as I find a peaceful comfort being wrapped up in my oversized fluffy towel. I stare at myself in the mirror and sigh.

At least I look somewhat human now as opposed to a corpse that hadn't realized it was dead. Standing here now I have no idea how I became that person, how I let myself fall that hard. I always thought I was stronger than that, that I would never fall apart like I did, but it takes you being slammed back to earth to realize that even the strongest walls can be brought down by one stone.

I throw my towel over my shower door and head for my cloths, but stop abruptly when I hear the bathroom door click open.

"Hey baby, d-" the words stops as soon as they are said, Seunghyun's deep husky voice vibrating through the steam filled room "Ji" a breathy voice takes place of the previous one and a shiver travels up my spine.

My breath hitches, i know that tone, i know what that voice means. I can feel the familiar tug at my lower abdomen letting me know exactly what's going on in his head. It's been a long time since Seung's touched me, and right now, with my naked back turned to him, every inch of my body on full display for the man to see, I feel the complete weight of this as heat surges through my veins with every beat of my heart.

I feel his hands before I hear him approach, too lost in my own desire now. As his large soft hands run up the sides of my waist, igniting the skin beneath his touch. I let out a light moan and lean into his wondering hands, not even trying to fight this.

"Ji, baby I've missed you" Seunghyun says caressing my ass with both of his hands "God, you're so beautiful"

I breath in a shaky breath "S-Seung... i..."

"I know baby, I've got you" he says briefly placing his hands on my hips, grounding me and helping my head clear a bit.

I nod and allow my head to fall back against his chest, while his palms find my ass once more "I've missed your hands"

He chuckles and slides his hands leisurely up my back, causing my skin to tingle with breathtaking anticipation "they've missed you too baby"

I smile and tilt my head to the side allowing him access to my neck which he starts leaving small kisses and nibbles down. Another moan slips out of my mouth, prompting his front to mold to my back, grinding against me, creating wonderful friction.

"Turn around for me baby let me see you" he whispers huskily into my ear.

I'm about to comply when the reality of the situation comes crashing to the forefront of my mind. I stop dead, realizing that I'm completely naked, inches away from his line of sight. I can almost feel the scars littered across the front of my body taking on their own sense of life, raising themselves up on my skin, making themselves more prominent, mocking me with their existence.

"No" I breath out and pull away from him.

Seung sucks in a small breath, remaining silent for a second, before he pulls at my hips again, his fingers pressing with caution "Come on Ji, you told me that you'd stop pushing me away, please baby, I need you" he says pulling me back against his chest and grinding his erection against my backside.

I allow a moan to slide out of my mouth, rolling my hips back against his, whispering his name like a mantra. I want Seung so bad, I've missed... No, I've craved his touch and I want this so bad. My head's fuzzy, i can't think, but the uncertainty refuses to fade. 'i can't let Seung see, i can't let him see the truth of how deep my imperfections go'

Seung nips faintly at the skin below my ear, forcing a shutter through my body "That's it baby, don't think about it, just let yourself feel, now come on, turn around"

"I can't" i breath out, hoping to god to find the strength to push him away if i have to.

Seung stops his actions at this and pulls back, making a small whimper fall off my tongue "Why baby? Don't be embarrassed, I've seen you before"

I sigh, feeling the heat extinguish just as quick as it was ignited "not all of me Seung" I move quickly over to my folded cloths, grabbing my sweater I had slept in and pulling it over my head.

"What do you mean? Ji, what's wrong?" he asks reaching for my hand, tugging me towards him.

I whine pathetically and pad back over to him more than willingly, wrapping my arms around his waist and nuzzling the crook of his neck "Seung... Please"

I still want Seung, i still want to be touched, for the fire to be wretched from my veins the only way he knows how. I just don't want him to see me, not like this, I'm not ready to be imperfect in his eyes yet.

But i have a feeling Seung's not going to let me get away with this, not anymore. It won't stop me from trying though, so I resort to begging and placing my best pouty face on, looking into his eyes with mine wide and pleading, hoping Seung's biggest weakness will make him break, without pushing the matter.

Seunghyun takes in a large breath and pulls back slightly "After you tell me the truth, why don't you want to show me your body Ji?"

My lower lip trembles, forcing me to angrily trap the traitor between my teeth "Because they're ugly and I don't want you to be disgusted by me" I sigh, deciding to go with the truth as i can never seem to lie to the man.

Seung's eyebrows pull together almost seeming upset at my words "What's ugly? Baby come on, I love you, you're beautiful, I could never be disgusted"

"It's just something I'm not sure you're ready to see" i mumble hoping he can't hear, but knowing better. Seung doesn't miss anything, he never does.

His eyebrows knit together tighter, a sort of caution resting in his eyes, along with a slight realization. I swear i can almost hear the metaphorical click as the pieces start coming together "see? Baby, why do you never take your shirt off?"

I take in a shaky breath, the familiar sensation of panic flushing through my chest "it's ugly and I don't want you to see them"

He sighs and wraps his arms around me, pulling me tighter against him "You're perfect to me Ji, don't you trust me?"

I bite at my lip hard, a metallic twinge on the tip of my tongue "You know i do, I trust you with every part of my soul... I just" I sigh defeated, deciding in a second that maybe it's just time for him to see them, maybe it's time to bare everything and let him decide if he still wants me "... just try not to be too repulsed"

"I could never be anything but in awe of you baby" Seunghyun places a kiss to my temple "you are beautiful, every bit of you"

I sigh more heavily this time "you say that now..." I take a deep breath and slowly step back.

I've never been ashamed of my scars, hell at one point i even felt proud of them, i felt like they were my own personal badges of honor, but when Seung came into my life, they became something else to me. My scars represent things that that bastard did to me, represent things that that man took from me, things that should have belonged to Seung. These scars represent all of the things i'll never be able to give Seung, they show the truth that i'll never be pure, i'll always be tainted. These scars prove to me that i'll never be enough for Seung, that i'll never truly deserve my beautiful angel, even though i know i'm all he wants.

He raises his eyebrow and looks a little nervous "what do you have a giant portrait of Johnny Depp tattooed on your chest or something?"

I pop him on the back of the head "Seung" I chide.

"Ok, ok" he holds his hands up in defense, breaking into a beautiful smile.

"Are you sure about this?" Seunghyun asks, the smile fading, with uncertainty replacing it.

I take in a deep stabilizing breath and anchor myself to the floor "just promise not to leave me"

The man smiles, placing his palm against my cheek "never"

I nod, and lean into the touch "then go ahead"

>>>>>

~Seunghyun~

I drop to my knees in front of Ji, prompting a small gasp to leave his lips, and a slight lustful haze to fill his eyes. I swallow thickly, shaking away the feelings that look is doing to me and get back to the matter at hand.

My fingers slid inside his sweater, hooking my thumbs on the outside, so my palms are facing his skin. I am careful to let my hands hover so I'm not exactly touching him, but they are close enough that I feel a type of electricity passing between my palms and his torso.

Ji closes his eyes and let's out a light moan, once again nearly sending my concentration spiraling to the ground.

I laugh nervously "Ji, if you keep doing that, you're going to make this really difficult"

His eyes fly open, and he blushes bright red "sorry"

I smile and start to move his sweater up, forcing the nervous and shameful look to reappear on Ji's face. I hate that look, I want to lean up and kiss it away from his beautiful face, that should never be graced with such a hideous emotion, but I continue, my curiosity winning out over my worry, because I know Ji wants this.

I reach his belly button and suck in a sharp breath at what I find right above it. A slash like scar stretches across his stomach horizontally, ending a few inches further on each side. It is thin, but ridged, making me think that it was done slowly.

"Ji" I whisper feeling a couple emotions that surprise me a little "that monster did this, didn't he?"

He sighs and closes his eyes painfully tight "yes...keep going"

I heave out a shaky breath, feeling white hot anger pulse through me "there's more?"

His eyes open to reveal a desperate vulnerability, an emotion that can get very dangerous for both of us very quickly. Still this Ji fascinates me, usually he's so strong and doesn't seem to let anything touch him, but this boy standing in front of me, I know is Ji without his mask, this is a side of Ji that no one but me has seen before, a side that no one but me will ever see. The scared, trembling boy standing before me terrifies me to no end, I just want to reach out and hold him. But this is something he needs to get over, I want him to know that I will never leave him, I will always love every inch of him, scars and all.

I continue to slid his sweater up, not as slowly this time because I want to see all of it, I want to see exactly what that motherfucker did to my baby.

Once his sweater is pushed up around his shoulders, he leans down so I can take it off the rest of the way, then throw it to the floor, and despite everything I get an annoyed look from him, silently complaining about not putting it away properly almost making me crack a smile, before he straightens back up, his stance tense and ridged.

I don't feel like smiling however once I finally get a full view of Ji's torso, it's covered. Round scares, longs skinny scares, and even scares that seem to have patterns to them, like they were carved in. I take a deep calming breath, trying to push away my anger, I don't want to scare Ji any more than he already is.

I rub my hand across my eyes for a second, but then look back, letting my hands roam from the his hips that I've been absentmindedly grasping onto, all the way to his neck slowly, making sure to touch every scar I find along the way. Ji isn't looking at me, instead he has focused on something across the room and tears are falling freely down his cheeks.

I see all of the scars then, not just the physical ones. This monster had destroyed my Ji, and suddenly I am filled with an indescribable rage. I shoot up off the ground and turn away from Ji before I start pacing, mumbling intangible words to myself. I'm just so angry, how can someone do something like this to an innocent child? Let alone one as beautiful as Ji.

"Seung" Ji's voice brings me back, like a slap to the face.

I spin around to find a wide eyed, terrified child of a man staring at me, and instantly I realize my mistake.

"Oh no baby, I'm not going anywhere, I swear to you" I rush over to him, placing my hands in either side of his cheeks "I'm just so angry at that bastard for doing this to you, the scars he left behind and I'm not just talking about physical..." I stop knowing it will just work me up again if I continue.

"I love you, Ji" I let those words sink in, we say them to each other often, but right now they hold more importance than usual. I want him to feel the full weight of those three words "and I love all of you, even your scars" I lean forward and press my lips to one of the little circle scares on his chest, then to the thin crescent over the front of his rib cage.

Ji trembles but his hands find their way to the back of my head, weaving through my hair. A moan leaves his lips when I kiss the one above his belly button.

"S-Seung" he stutters, but I'm beyond listening at this point.

I drop my gaze, letting my hands travel lower, this time focusing on a different part of Ji's body. I glance up at him and he's staring at me with wide, alert eyes. I silently ask for permission with my raised eyebrows.

"Just don't go too fast, and don't let me get into my head" he whispers and I nod.

I lean in towards him and he meets me half way in a gentle kiss, but it quickly turns into so much more when the realization of what's happening actually sinks in.

Ji wraps his arms around my neck and pulls me to him hungrily, as he lets my tongue slid into his mouth, not even attempting to fight for dominance. I let my hands travel down this torso, feeling small bumps and lines mixed in with intoxicatingly smooth skin under my fingers. Ji shivers while carding his fingers through my hair, grasping tightly and giving it a rough tug.

I growl into his mouth, moving my right hand down lower, to his hips, rubbing circles into the thigh creases. Ji shuts his eyes tightly, and breaks our kiss before making a small whining noise, but it's a different sound, not one out of want or lust, but rather one out of fear and panic. It's clear now that all of the progress we made has been nearly unraveled by everything he's been going through. We have to start from the beginning now and make his body relearn who I am.

"No baby, open your eyes" I call out to him.

His eyes open slowly, revealing dilated pupils and a slight fearful look in them. He locks his gaze with mine and the fear quickly disappears, giving me the go ahead.

I slid my fingers slowly down, letting them feel the soft smooth skin beneath them, until I brush against his hardened member. His mouth opens and a high pitched moan slips out, I lean in and capture his lips to keep him quiet, while my hand wraps around his length. His hips buck up into my hand, while I proceed to slid it up and down slowly.

"S-Seunghun" he calls out and I feel myself growing at his voice laced with need "M-more" he says breathlessly.

"I would, but I don't want to lose you baby" I say, scared of losing him the first time we try something like this after everything that happened.

He shakes his head and stares into my eyes "just keep eye contact, I promise I won't look away or close my eyes"

I lick my lips, thinking about how sexy it would be to watch Ji's facial expressions while I pleasure him, while I swallow around him, and that is all the convincing I need.

I pull my hand away and he lets out a whimpered protest, but I quiet him down with a quick kiss, and sink down once more to my knees.

I lean down and kiss his inner left thigh, followed by the right and look up to reconnect our gazes. Ji's face is a beautiful shade of pink, and his body shivers with anticipation.

"You're handling that a lot better now baby" I praise him, borderline giddy that I got to touch his thighs without him losing it.

Ji smiles "it gets easier every time and it helps that it's you"

A smirk pulls at my lips "only me, right baby?"

Ji nods, staring deep into my eyes with the uttermost sincerity "always Seung"

Satisfied, I lean down once more, my eyes refusing to leave his, I kiss the tip of his member, prompting his mouth to open and a slight moan to leave his lips. I press my lips to the side of his length, kissing and sucking all the way to the base.

Ji whimpers "S-seung, please"

I chuckle "yes baby?"

"Please, i-i want y-your mouth around me" he says, then turns a darker shade of pink, glancing away briefly before remembering his promise.

I smirk triumphantly "happily baby"

I glide my tongue over him and I slide back up to the tip, and then take the head into my mouth. Ji groans and I see his eyes roll back for a second, before finding mine once more. Sliding more into my mouth, I slowly start to suck.

His hand shoots down to my hair, not forcfully pushing me or grabbing me, just looking for something to hold onto, something to stabilize him.

I start bobbing my head up and down, quickening my pace, and hollowing my cheeks so he can feel all of me. My hands find purchase on his ass, kneading it in my hands as I start to suck harder.

"Dear god Seung" he says trying desperately to keep his gaze locked on mine.

I decide I want to hear my name on his lips more, surrounded by moans, so I take more of him in to the point where he's hitting the back of my throat.

He makes a high pitched moaning sound and I feel his thighs tighten. I know he's starting to get close, so I decide to push him further. I relax my throat and swallow around him, pushing him down. His hips jerk forward a couple times, thrusting into my mouth.

Ji turns into a moaning mess, making the most heavenly incoherent high pitched sounds, around my name falling from his lips too many times to count.

Suddenly his body starts to spasm and I know I have him, I start to suck harder, and move faster, till I have him calling out my name loudly to the point where I'm sure his family can hear him, and he's releasing everything down my throat, which I swallow quickly.

I pull him out with a final suck and lick my lips, smirking at him. While I watch him pant heavily and stare down at me in a drunk like haze.

"Seung... that was..." he stops and doesn't seem to be able to say anything.

"The all mighty smart ass Jiyong, for once at a loss for words, and all it took was a blowjob" I snort and stand up till my face is level with his.

Ji blushes and hides his face in his hands, then lowers them, looking up at me. He falls forward, breathing heavy, while resting against my chest. Ji kisses me gently and takes a step back, picking up his sweater, throwing it back on.

"We need to get ready for school, you should take a shower" he smiles at me and sits down on the chair in the corner of the room.

I raise an eyebrow "aren't you going to leave?"

Ji smirks and sits back letting his hands spread out on the arm rest and crossing his legs almost like a king would sit on his throne.

I groan and pull my shirt over my head, moving towards the shower, cursing the clear glass it's encased in 'this boy will be the death of me, but at least i'll die happily'

>>>>>

~Jiyong~

"Ji" Hwa Yun calls when we walk in the door after school, halting our laughter. She smiles, seeming like she wants to coo at us "seeing you smile again makes me so happy Ji"

I roll my eyes but keep the smile on my face "what's up Hwa?"

She giggles at me and reaches out giving me a slight pinch to my cheek "where's Taemin?"

I sigh, letting the pout spread across my face "he had dance class, he'll be back before dinner"

Hwa Yun gives me a knowing grin and pats my arm sympathetically  "Oh, you got in your Cosmo today" she hands me the magazine causing me to bounce up and down excitedly.

"Oh no, it doesn't seem like this is going to be a pleasant evening for me" Seunghyun fakes terror.

I narrow my eyes at him playfully "you don't have to stay, you can go do something else"

"No, I want to stay" He almost yells causing Hwa Yun and me to laugh.

"Fine, lets go" I say and drag him upstairs into our room.

I let my backpack hit the floor, not caring where it lands, but notice Seunghyun pick it up and place it on its normal resting place on the chair beside my bed.

"Did you just... clean up after me?" I ask staring at him in surprise.

He stops and his eyes widen comically "oh god, you're rubbing off on me"

I laugh "finally, now if I could just teach you to make a proper bed, which you wouldn't always have to make if you just woke up first"

"I would rather become an expert in bed making, than miss any of my precious sleep" he deadpans humorously.

I snort and jump onto my bed, laying on my stomach and opening the first page of my favorite magazine.

"Are you going to ignore me now?" My annoying pest of a boyfriend asks.

I pause what I am reading and look up at him "shh, Cosmo's open, that means mouth is closed "

Seunghyun groans and sits in my large reading chair near the window.

Quickly I become absorbed in the endless pages of great fashion and beauty tips, wondering briefly how I'll look with pink hair, before my attention is forced elsewhere.

I feel something warm press against the side of my neck, pulling at the skin there in little nips. My eyes widen and I turn my head slightly to see fluffy brown hair and a strong jaw line.

"What are you doing?" I ask, sounding a bit more panicked than I mean to.

He chuckles but doesn't say anything else, he just continues to press his lips against my neck, kissing every inch of bare skin he can find.

My eyes flutter closed at the feeling of it "Seung" I whisper, my throat suddenly thick "what are you doing?"

"You said I couldn't speak" he whispers huskily into my ear, making my breathing accelerate.

I roll over onto my back, still encased in his arms and his lips find mine, molding together in that perfect way that I can only describe as two puzzle pieces finally connecting.

Seunghyun's hands slide up my arms, across my chest and down to my lower abdomen resting at the hem line of my shirt. He grasps onto it and starts to slide it up.

All too soon I find myself naked and trapped under a man, who seems to like to torture me as he explores every inch of my body with his mouth.

"S-Seung" I gasp out, my body trembling with a pulsating want.

"Shh baby, I'm right here" he whispers, just as he slowly slides my legs apart, leaving me exposed and trapped in a blazing inferno.

Seunghyun settles himself between my legs and rocks down, making me cry out and arch my back, grasping onto the bed sheets tightly, like they are the only thing keeping me grounded. I'm so lost in my need that i don't even notice when or how Seunghyun gets the lube, i only know he did once his finger is sinking deeply into me, stretching me to a delicious burn.

"I love you" Seunghyun whispers in my ear, pushing into me deeper and deeper, rocking with the unintentional motions of my hips, letting me set the pace.

I let go of the clump of cloth trapped in my hands and wrap my arms around Seung's neck, pulling his mouth to mine "i love you too" i say against his lips.

My breath stutters once i feel another finger being added to the mix, the feeling of fullness nearly pushing me into delirium. I lose myself eventually in the feeling, the pleasure rolling through my body, with every thrust of Seunghyun's fingers, with every brush of his lips and teeth across my skin, and every loving, praising word whispered into my ear, i lose myself more and more. Everything Seunghyun fills my senses, wraps around me like a protective and erotic cocoon, all aimed at ruining me completely.

It's only when i'm screaming Seunghyun's name and releasing all over myself without even being touched that i come back into my own body. By the time i'm coherent enough to form words, Seung's cleaning me up with a wet washcloth, before laying down next to me.

"You ok?" Seung asks placing a hand on my hip, giving it a gentle squeeze.

A shiver pushes through me with how sensitive i still am, but it's a welcome feeling, Seung's hands on me is a comfort i'll never get tired of "better than ok, i'm pretty sure i went into another dimension for a second"

Seunghyun barks a laugh and brushes away a strand of hair from my face "god, you're so beautiful, even when you look completely wrecked, you're gorgeous"

I blush and roll against his chest, snuggling close "i'm nothing compared to you Seung"

A small kiss gets placed to my temple and i'm squeezed tighter against his muscular chest "you're everything compared to me baby, everything"

"Cheese ball" i comment.

He chuckles and rubs his hand up and down my back "hey, i haven't gotten to be lovey dovey over the past couple of weeks, i need to catch u-... Ji, what's this?"

I flinch away as soon as the tips of his fingers brush over the mark. I pull back, pushing lightly against his chest with my palms, making sure i'm just out of arm's reach.

I hum lightly, taking a minute to prepare for this "There's one you haven't seen" i say, not needing to elaborate on what i'm talking about, he knows.

"Show me" he states, obviously fighting to keep an even tone.

"You have to stay calm, this one...isn't like the others" i drop my gaze and look away, feeling almost ashamed of this particular scar.

"Ok, I'll try, please show me" he prompts and i nod hesitantly.

"Fine, but... just don't get upset" i say and take a deep breath, knowing that this won't go over well.

>>>>>

~Seunghyun~

He rolls over onto his right side and takes in a shaky breath "here" he whispers pointing to a spot on his left shoulder blade I didn't notice before.

It's about the size of a small lime and holds a light pinkish color, but that wasn't what was weird about it, this scar doesn't just have a pattern to it like some of the others, this one seems to actually be a design, almost like a tattoo without the ink.

I finally realize what it is and I gasp "Ji... is this?"

He nods "it's a brand, done on my 16th birthday actually"

"That sick fuck" I growl "how could he do this to someone, let alone you... he was suppose to be a father to you, and instead he beat and raped you on a regular basis"

Ji rolls onto his back and stares up at me "I got through it Seunghyun, and because of you I'm happy, truly happy... all of that is in my past and I'm choosing to move on with my life, please don't let him get to you... I don't want him to have any more control over my life, especially the best part of it"

All of the anger flees my body and all I am left with is love and admiration for the boy lying beneath me. He has been through so much, and has come out on the other side stronger than before. Ji amazes me at the fact that he keeps pushing forward, still holding the pain, the memories, and even the scars. Through it all he still has a loving heart, so full of love and life that it truly leaves me breathless.

Our gazes connect and i see a heat still simmering in Ji's eyes, a heat that has electricity surging through my body "Ji, are you ok? Do you need more baby?"

Ji nods and rolls toward me "yes Seung, i need more, i need so much more"

His fingers start making work of my belt and i groan "Ji, you don't have to, i'm alright"

Ji shakes his head "i want to Seung, i want you"

My body freezes at his words and i know exactly what he's after now, which only makes the heat in my veins turn to ice. I can't let this happen, i can't let this go that far, but i don't want Ji to think i'm rejecting him, i have to approach this cautiously "No baby, that's enough for today, we don't need to overwhelm you" i say taking his wrists in my hands and pulling them up, securing them to my chest.

"But I want more Seung, I want to feel you, all of you" he whispers in my ear, doing things to me that should be illegal, making me lose focus and my grip on his hands.

I swallow hard and my breathing accelerates, Ji's mentioned wanting to take the final step, but never once has he actually tried to go there. Usually he doesn't push it when i say no, usually he just accepts what I give him.

"No Ji, another time, lets take it slowly, you just got out of the hospital, we have to get use to each other again, we've done enough today"

"We've been taking it slowly, I want you. Now" he says making another pass at my belt.

"Ji please, you're making this difficult, and quit giving me that face, you know it's almost impossible to say no to that face" I say looking down into the puppy eyes he's shooting me.

"Then don't say no and I'll stop"

I groan and sit up, shuffling to the edge of the bed "I need you to be ready, what we've done today is a lot to take in after what you've been through, let yourself process this first, then we can move on"

"Is it because of him?" Ji says suddenly making my breath catch, wondering who the him Ji is taking about could be "Is it because someone else has touched me?" He asks with a slight tremble in his voice.

It clicks then, Ji's talking about his stepfather. Does Ji think I'm disgusted of him because that child molester touched him? Does he think i don't want him because of what that bastard did to him?

I turn around and find, not a scared vulnerability i'm use to seeing, but a disappointed anger in his eyes and I'm almost too shocked to speak "you're mad?"

"You're damn straight I'm mad, you know how long I've waited to feel like this, to actually want someone to touch me, to be inside of me, and now you're acting like I'm a child who can't make his own decisions? Yeah Seunghyun, that pisses me off" he says my full name and I know I'm in trouble.

"I just don't want you to get ahead of yourself because you're aroused and then regret it later" I say trying to plead my case.

Ji crosses his arms over his chest "I won't ever regret being with you Seung, if it's too much I'll tell you to stop"

I sigh feeling my resolve starting to break and I know he sees it, he leans toward me slightly with a hopeful look in his eyes. But it quickly disappears when a sudden knock at the door squishes any chance he has of convincing me now.

"Ji? Seung? You guys decent?" Hyun Suk asks jokingly from the door. 'At least he's knocking now'

"Not really" Ji calls, still staring at me with cold eyes.

"Well get your cloths back on, then tell me when I'm clear to come in" he barks with mock anger, I've noticed that Hyun Suk doesn't really have the ability to truly get mad at someone, especially not Ji.

Silence stretches for a couple of seconds and I sigh handing Ji his pants and underwear. His jaw locks while he jerks the cloths from my hands and begins to put them on. I wince slightly knowing we're not done talking about this in the slightest.

"You can come in now" Ji calls as he's buttoning his jeans.

Hyun Suk opens the door, avoiding our eyes, but glancing up at Ji briefly noticing his bare upper body before quickly looking away "were you two at least safe about it?"

"You don't have to worry about that, it didn't go that far, someone apparently thinks I'm still a child" he hisses, then stomps off into the bathroom, probably to fix his hair and makeup.

I groan and throw my head into my hands. Why is he being like this? I'm just trying to protect him, but could he be right? Am I being irrational and treating him a little too delicately?

"You said no?" Hyun Suk asks properly assessing the situation.

I nod, sagging in on myself, feeling a wave of hopelessness pass through me "and now he hates me"

He laughs lightly "he doesn't hate you Seung, that's why he's so mad, because he loves you" Hyun Suk comes toward me and sits next to me on the bed "listen, I know the all about the desire to protect Ji, treat him like he's made of glass, and still six years old, but there comes a time when you have to let him make the call for once"

"I don't want to lose him, what if we get to that point and he falls apart or I hurt him and he pushes me away?" I voice my concerns.

Hyun Suk gives me a sympathetic look "Seung, I'm not really comfortable telling you to have sex with my son, but he's trusting you enough that he actually wants to take that next step, so you have to trust him enough to believe that he's ready for it"

I bite my lip, a habit I think I've picked up from Ji and nod "ok, I'll take that into consideration, thanks Hyun Suk"

He reaches up and pats my shoulder "Seung, seriously I think you can call me dad at this point"

I raise my eyebrows and smile lightly "s-sure Hyun S... u-um d-dad" I stutter through the new formality and rub may hand across the back of my neck awkwardly.

"You've never really had a dad, have you?" He asks, noticing my distress.

I shake my head "my dad died when I was young, and my step dad, Taemin's father bailed early on"

"Well, don't worry, you won't ever have to be without one anymore, or a mother either, we are your family now" Hyun Suk says smiling at me "now, dinner is ready and Hwa Yun is worried that Ji isn't feeling good since he's been making all kind of moaning noises, so please make an appearance and calm down my wife's worries if you don't mind"

My eyes widen and I feel heat spread across my cheeks "y-you guys heard?"

"What, that you two were in here coloring and playing with your toy cars that just happened to make weird sounds, like the good little boys you are? Of course I heard, just tell my son to keep it down next time, and that cars don't sound like that"

I raise an eyebrow, deciding to let him keep his humorous delusion of Ji and I still being four years old "sure, I'll be sure to tell him that cars make a vroom vroom sound and also make sure he stays quite about it"

Hyun Suk shakes his head, hiding his laughter by biting his lip "just come down to dinner before Hwa Yun comes up here herself"

"Yes sir" I say and he ruffles my hair.

"Oh and make sure you clean up your coloring books and cars afterwards, I don't want Hwa Yun to have to do that" he shutters at the thought and leaves, closing the door behind him.

"Is coloring books and cars code for sex?" Ji asks starling me and making me jump off the bed into a standing position.

I swallow, furrowing my eyebrows thinking over the weird conversation i just had with my boyfriends father "I think so... and I'm pretty sure your dad just told me to have sex with you"

Ji stares at me while he's leaning against the bathroom door, blinking at me and probably trying to see if I'm kidding or not "and... what do you think?"

I sigh, tired already of having this argument "Ji..."

He groans and stomps across the room, grabbing his shirt and throwing it on before heading to the door "just forget it, lets go down to dinner, I'm hungry and I don't want to worry Hwa Yun"

I step forward, reaching out for him as he passes by me, but he ignores my attempt for contact. I let my shoulders sag, hating how cold Ji is acting to me.

An almost desperation sinks into my stomach. I hate this distance while knowing that he is mad at me "Ji, please..."

Ji stops at the door and sighs heavily, but still refuses to look back at me "we can talk about it later, ok? I just... Let me cool off"

I look down at the ground and bite my lip to keep it from trembling, but I don't say anything, I can't say anything. This whole situation is just blowing way out of proportion, and for once since we started dating, i can't seem to find Ji's stubbornness endearing.

"I love you" he suddenly says.

My head snaps up to see him walk out of the room. The sinking feeling abruptly halts, but it doesn't come back up. He only managed to stop the ache from increasing, but did not make it disappear. A deep pout slips into my features and i slump my shoulders in a childish act of frustration.

But nevertheless, I follow after him, watching his tense body as it moves down the stairs and into the kitchen. Everyone greets us happily and I offer a warm smile that I know doesn't touch my eyes, but no one seems to be paying that much attention... almost everyone at least.

Taemin bounds over to me happily, but his mood quickly drops and he shoots me a concerned look. He's knows me way to well, not to know when something's wrong. I just shake my head at him and reach out to squeeze his hand quickly, reassuring him that it's nothing to worry about.

Taemin doesn't look convinced, but let's it go and takes a seat beside Minho, beginning to talk adamantly about some video game they've gotten into, still keeping a close eye on me.

"Are you ok Ji? You seemed like you we're going through a bad stomach ache earlier" Minho teases as we sit down, smirking slightly, while trying to bite back laughter.

Ji narrows his eyes and fixes him a chilling look "it passed"

"I bet it did, thankfully Seung was there, it sounded like he really helped you through it" Minho snickers and Hyun Suk pops him on the back of the head.

"Did I miss something?" Minji asks looking around the table, landing on Hwa Yun who looks just as confused as her daughter.

Hwa Yun shrugs and turns her attention to Ji, "here sweetie, eat some seaweed soup, it'll help your stomach"

Ji blushes bright red, holding out his bowl as I sit in my usual chair next to him, but the normal happy glow that surrounds my chest whenever I'm close to him, isn't there at the moment. I'm sitting right next to the person I love most in this whole world and yet I feel a million miles away from him.

The whole dinner I stare down at the table, picking at my food, my appetite suddenly nonexistent. Ji doesn't talk to me, look at me, or even acknowledge my existence, and it's making me feel depressed. Things have been going so well lately, almost too well and it's sad to think that something like this is the thing to push us over the edge, to throw us off of our sync.

"Seung sweetie, are you ok, are you not feeling well either?" Hwa Yun asks me and I look up to find the whole table staring at me with confused and surprised expressions.

My eyes lock with Taemin's anxiety filled one's and I curse myself mentally. Usually I'm better at hiding my emotions than this, but when it comes to Ji I can't seem to hold anything back.

"I'm fine Hwa Yun, just a bit tired I guess" I sigh, once again pushing food around my plate.

Hyun Sunk groans and drops his hand to the table, slapping it lightly "Ji, come on, can't you cut him a break? He looks like a kicked puppy"

Ji stares at him emotionless, then glances at me and his eyes flood with worry and regret, but he chooses to ignore his father.

"What's going on?" Minji asks once again being cut out of the loop along with her mother.

"Nothing, just finish your dinner" Hyun Suk says seeming frustrated.

Suddenly a hand reaches over and grabs mine that's resting on my thigh. I look down to see Ji grasping tightly onto my hand, and I feel like I can finally breath again. I take in a large breath, relishing in the feel of contact with the person I love.

I squeeze his hand back and he breaths in a breath like he felt the same as I did. I rub circles over his hand with my thumb as the knots in my stomach continue to dissipate.

I sit up straighter and start eating, catching a slight smirk on Ji's face as I do so 'yes baby, you have this much control over me' I say to myself while I glance over at him.

He has finished eating and is now siting back in his chair watching me and contributing occasionally to the conversation around the table.

Our eyes meet each other and once again Ji's are void of emotion, but he still clings onto my hand like he would fall without it, so I try not to dwell too much on it. I look away, missing my Ji once more, but continue to eat, knowing I will worry him if I don't.

........

After dinner we finally make it up to his room and Ji still refuses to let go of my hand. Silence stretches between us and we stand in the middle of his room focusing our attention in opposite directions.

I sigh, completely done with fighting "Ji, maybe I should go sleep in one of the guest rooms tonight"

I release my hold on his hand but he tightens his causing me to turn towards him. His eyes were wide and filled with panic, making me wish the emotionless, cold Ji was back.

"You want to leave me?" He asks, his hand trembling.

I finally start to feel frustration rise up in my chest, and along with it a touch of anger "no Ji, I don't want to leave you, the last thing I want to do is leave you right now, but clearly you don't want to have a rational conversation with me, and I'm tired of being this close to you but feeling so damn far" a frustrated angry growl leaves my lips and I rip my hand away from his, not missing the hurt that encases his features as I do "I get why you're mad, okay? But can you at least see my point here? I just want you safe Ji, I just want to love you and protect you. Yes I want to have sex with you, but I need to be sure you're ready, I can't lose you if you fall apart after I touch you like that"

"Seung, I'm not that damn fragile, you know what I used to think would happen if someone ever touched me like you did today?... I thought I would think of my step father, his hands running all over my body, his hot, alcohol tainted breath against my skin, or feeling the disgust and hatred i use to feel every time he touched me, but you know what happened?"

I shake my head refusing to look at him, for the fear that he would see the anger in my eyes at the mention of the things his stepfather did to him. We've talked about the sexual abuse before but I've never heard him describe it like that. I take a deep breath and continue to listen to him, while attempting to push down the rage filling me.

"I thought of you during, Seung, my mind was completely focused on you, how good you were making me feel, how sexy you were taking command of my body, and how much I fucking love you... that's how I know I'm ready, because you make everything else fade away when I'm with you, the pain, the fear, and even the memories" Ji swallows roughly "I want to take the next step because I want there to be nothing left for him to have control over, I want you to erase everything, and replace it with your own love, with your own light"

I close my eyes tightly and lock my jaw, afraid to speak to him, I know my anger is getting the best of me right now and though his words ring loud and clear in my head, I can't seem to calm myself down. 'that bastard touched you, that bastard hurt you... I don't want to hurt you like him'

"Seung" Ji steps toward me, but I take a step away.

"Ji, please give me a minute, I just... I need to calm down"

"Are you upset? What did I say? I'm sorry if I made you mad... It's just... I just want to erase everything he did to me and fill my life with you, I want to feel whole, I don't want a single thing left in my life that isn't yours completely... I'm sorry if I upset you, I'm sorry if I'm pushing too hard" he says hurriedly, sounding like a scared little kid, trying to talk their way out of a punishment.

I spin around meeting his eyes "quit apologizing, just...stop" I say bitterly and immediately regret saying anything, when Ji's face shows hurt.

Ji groans and rubs his face in frustration "Seung, talk to me, what's wrong? I know I was being a bitch about this whole situation, but you always take it so light heartily and I just..."

"Ji, please, just stop" I yell, placing a hand over my chest to calm the furry of my heart.

"Seung" my head snaps up to find Hyun Suk staring at me from the doorway, he gives me a knowing look and motions for me to follow him.

I gulp but also feel grateful to get some distance from Ji, it's biter sweet, I hate to leave him, but I can't stand to be in the same room with him right now. I don't look at Ji as I leave the room, I can't, because i know if I do i won't be able to leave.

I follow Hyun Suk all the way down to his study and he closes the doors behind me, then motions for me to sit on the couch, while he takes the chair across from me.

"Take a moment to breath, the anger will subside in a bit" he says, crossing his legs.

My eyebrows pull together "b-but i..." I could have sworn he was going to yell at me for fighting with Ji.

"When we first brought Jiyong home, I was surprised to hear how casually he talked about everything that happened to him, the abuse, the neglect, even the fear he displayed openly... Sometimes I found myself so angry I wanted to drive all the way to the prison that bastard is held in and kill the motherfucker myself" he takes a deep breath, needing to calm himself slightly "but after a while I started to realize that Ji talking about it openly like that is his way of therapy, is his way of dealing with the pain, confronting it head on and talking about it"

What he is saying makes sense, and guilt grips me tighter for getting so angry at Ji, when all he wanted was to talk about how he was feeling "But how do you keep yourself from getting angry and yelling at him?"

"You walk away, tell him you need a minute and get some air, trust me, he understands more than you think he does. He knows it's hard for people to hear, but he needs to talk about it, he needs to say it, it's just how he deals... that's one thing about my son you can count on, he never says anything he doesn't mean"

I exhale roughly, hating that all of this could have been avoided if we had just talked it through instead of fighting "I hope I didn't hurt him"

"I think he's more confused at the moment, he'll be fine if you guys talk this through, and I mean talk, yelling gets you nowhere" Hyun Suk gives me a pointed look.

I hang my head "did Hwa Yun hear?"

"I sent her out with the kids for ice cream after dinner, figuring you two had some talking to do and I've seen that look in Ji's eyes before, yelling from him was inevitable" he sighs and takes a drink out of the mug he's holding "now go and make up, I hate to see you two looking so miserable"

I stand and bow "thank you sir, Ji is lucky to have a father like you"

Hyun Suk smiles "you have me too Seunghyun, don't forget that"

I smile back "I won't"

"Oh and Seung" I stop at the door, waiting to hear what he has to say "don't ever let your anger get the best of you, if I ever hear that you have hurt my son physically or emotionally beyond repair, I'll kill you myself"

I swallow hard "if i ever hurt Jiyong, please do so" I say then leave after receiving an approving smirk from the man I respect more and more every day.

......

The walk back to Ji's room is a miserable one, I just keep thinking about how his face will look when I enter the room, or what he will say to me. I know I deserve this guilt, but I don't want him to be in pain.

I open his door slowly, peeking inside, surprised to find it dark and silent. I step inside quietly and close the door behind me, turning around searching for my boy, eventually finding the outline of his body laying on his bed, tucked neatly under the covers. His body doesn't move except for the steady rise and fall of his chest. I guess he must be tired from how emotionally overwhelming today was.

I sigh and tiptoe over to the bed, siting down on the edge and taking my pants and shirt off, then crawling under the covers, careful no to wake the beautiful sleeping boy next to me. I face my body in his direction, wanting to be as close to him as possible, but not knowing where his line is drawn. The moon is full tonight and casts a white bluish glow across the room from the large wall of windows, that I've always liked in Ji's room.

I can see Ji just enough to notice a few features of his body, but with his back turned to me, I can't see much. For a couple seconds I watch his body move with the intake and output of air by his lungs, but after a bit I start to notice how strange and irregular it is, and then start to catch the occasional tensing of his muscles or the trembling of his body. My chest squeezes in a mixture of fear, guilt, and regret, noticing the signs of what is happening.

I reach forward, hoping to God I am wrong and pull on his arm. He doesn't fight me and let's me pull him onto his back, giving me full view of his tear streaked face, and his puffy, red eyes that stare at me sadly.

Instantly i scoot across the bed and wrap my arms around him "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please don't cry, i'm sorry"

He clasps his arms onto my waist and holds me tightly "you didn't leave me"

"Of course I didn't leave you baby, I just needed a minute, hearing you talk about what your step father did to you..." I take in a big breath not wanting to get angry again "I get so mad that, that man hurt you, I hate him, and I never want you to be in pain or get hurt ever again"

He snuggles tightly against my chest "I'm sorry, I didn't think about it before I started talking about it, I shouldn't have said anything"

"No Ji, you said exactly what I needed to hear, I was just too angry to do anything or talk rationally to you, I'm sorry i yelled at you"

Ji breaths into my chest "can we just agree that we've both been assholes today and move on past it? I miss you"

I smile "deal, this was one of the most emotionally exhausting days of my life, I never want to fight like this again"

"Agreed" Ji shuffles up my chest and plants a small kiss on my lips "I love you"

I chuckle, glad to finally have my Ji back "I love you too"

Something pulls at me abruptly as I hold Ji in my arms, something that I've come to notice about Ji and my relationship, that no matter what happens and what we go through we can't stand to be away from one another. It's almost like each other is our own form of life support, and if we're to far from each other and not just physically, it's almost like a part of ourselves start to fade and we can breath properly.

I feel it now as Ji shifts in my arms,and my heart shifts with him, like it's always searching for it's true owner and if he's missing, so is the only thing keeping me alive. Ji isn't just everything to me, he's a part of me, the most important part that I can't live without.

"Seung?" Ji asks suddenly sitting up on the bed and pulling his knees up to his chest, wiping away the wetness off his face.

I blink at the boy and sit up as well, suddenly alert "yeah baby?"

"Would you... would you take me somewhere tomorrow?" he asks in a small whisper.

I place my hand on Ji's arm "sure baby, where do you want to go?"

Ji reaches over and turns on the lamp, then picks up a piece of paper off the bedside table, one that's wrinkled and worn as if it's been held, balled up, then straightened back out a hundred times "do you remember this?"

I stare at the paper, trying to piece together a connection, then remembrance hits me. It's the letter, the one that made me lose Ji for little while, the one that messed him up so bad it turned him into an almost different person.

"Yeah, that night is kind of hard to forget" I mention, sitting up straighter, cautiously eyeing the piece of paper.

Ji winces slightly, before shaking his head clear of those memories "yeah, i'm still sorry about that"

I wave it off "i brought you back, that's all that matters, but what's so important about that letter, why did it make you act like that? Is what's written in it that bad?"

Ji takes in a deep breath, staring down at the paper in his hands "it's not so much about what it's about, but who it's from"

I swallow hard, not seeing a possibility of a good answer here "who's it from, Ji?'

Ji sighs and finally looks up at me, his eyes a storm of emotions "my mother"

✨✨✨✨✨

Chickens!!

How are you my darlings? Good i hope!!

This is just a little filler chapter, a bit of fluff and smut. Just a short break from all of the drama, but it won't be like this for long.

Prepare for the next couple of chapters because they will be rough, i'm even having a hard time writing them, but they'll provide a lot of answers you guys have and maybe shed some light on some things, hope you guys stick around for that!!

As always, i love you guys, see you next chappie!

~M~