May 17

Our best ideas came in the middle of the night, when the world was asleep but we were wide awake. All our schemes and plots throughout the years were born when no one was around to tell us no.

The night lost its creative magic when you left, reduced to a time for sleep or studying only. The wild ideas of our childhood disappeared when you did. I didn't think the night could bring something special until I opened the front door and found you there.

You weren't making sense, rambling at speeds even I couldn't keep up with. You paced the pitch-black living room, navigating around the couches and coffee table with ease. I knew your hands were over your ears, as if that could block out the thoughts.

I let you pace until you settled into the loveseat, breathing heavily. I stayed on my feet, fighting the instinct to throw my arms around you.

Eventually, your broken words formed strings I could follow.

Broken up.

Cheated.

Confused.

Angry.

Sorry.

I imagined your fiercely bright eyes when you admitted to the last part — that after all this time, you were sorry. You needed my forgiveness for everything you'd said and done. For how much you hurt me.

If only you could see the storm within me, the war between my head and heart.

And one was winning.

I told you that I didn't want to be angry anymore. I didn't want the pain of losing you to weigh on my heart anymore. I offered you my forgiveness but not my acceptance. We were strangers with memories, and you being there had only given me closure.

You broke into sobs that almost made me reconsider. My heart shattered for you, like it had so many times before. Despite everything, I knew I still loved you. I knew a part of me would always belong to you.

But I needed to be free, on my terms.

I hugged you one last time, pouring every last bit of love into the simple gesture. I knew you felt it, too, because you couldn't let go. I had to step back first, breaking your once-impenetrable hold.

I wished you nothing but success in the rest of your life. I wanted you to become everything you'd ever dreamed of, to become the man worthy of true love. I hoped you would carry our memories with you, reminders of the innocence of childhood.

I told you that I loved you for a final time, meaning every word, then I closed the door.

And I didn't intend to open it ever again.