I walked home by myself as usual, still trying to jog my mind that You sat next to me. I didn't scare you off with my rigid expression, wild hair and distraught eyes. Perhaps I looked pretty to you...but if only you could see the monster underneath. 

I put my earphones in my ear and continued to walk down the sidewalk, glancing at the trees that blew along side me.

I hate it when I see something or even smell something, it triggers a memory.

"Momma push me on the swing!" I giggled as I ran towards the playground. Beautiful leaves surrounded me as the wind blew through my hair. Momma came behind me and pushed the swing and I squealed. Everything felt perfect, I looked behind me to see Momma smiling. "Hold on tight, I wouldnt want you to let go." She says to me. "I'll never let go Momma." I promised.

I wiped the tears from the corner of my eyes and turned into the dirt road where my house still sat. It didn't seem as lively as it was with Momma, I walked inside the house to see Daddy laying his chair, a bottle of beer in his hand. He used to call that the Devil's drink but now he had it with every meal.

Better not bother him... "Izzy?" He mumbles and I step into the room slowly. "Hey Daddy." I whisper. "Where's--Sophie?" His voice was rigged and he sounded intoxicated. "I think still at school." I whisper and Daddy just nods.

It's always been an awkward silence with him, we both were suddenly lost for words. I turn around and began walking up the stairs.

Even the creak in the stairs sounded different ever since Momma left. 

Even as I walked past the mirror, I looked different. At age 5 things seemed so innocent and oblivious. Maybe because at 5 I was so innocent and oblivious, what beauty could I possible see in that reflection?

My cheek bones seemed uneven, my jaw seemed larger than any human beings should. My stomach wasn't like the models I saw, but then again I didn't want to look like the models, but why did I hate myself anyway? Was it because I wasn't as curvy as an African American woman, I didn't have the silky hair of an Asian. I didn't have the million dollar smile as a white woman, I didn't have the lips of a Spanish female. All I was was this, A host to a demon inside me that just seemed to expand.

I forced myself out of the mirror. I forced myself away from everything....and it took everything in my power to force myself a way from the toilet and the blade.

~*~*~*~

Another update coming up in about 5 minutes. I'll keep updating until I can't anymore, who knows I may finish this today