{21st december 2012; end of the mayan calendar}

dear jen,

you know when someone knows the exact words to say to make you feel bad?

it's like they're just looking into the very black and dark corners of your mind and taking the thoughts you've shoved there hastily and they're saying all of them out loud - what's it called, jen? voicing your thoughts?

i listened to dear john today, by the way, because the cat had left when i woke up. i think taylor swift probably felt like that when she wrote that song about john; that all he ever did was take her insecurities and silly and scary thoughts and feed them back to her out loud, slowly, then all at once.

maybe he did that.

john's probably someone famous that i don't want to know about, so i'm not going to look him up.

liz would never be able to do that, you know, jen. she'd have to look it up, or it would just keep bugging her.

now i'm wondering; do you ever feel like that about someone, jen? or more to the point, do you have dark thoughts about yourself like i do and taylor swift does?

i feel like you don't, jen. when i see you at school, you always look like...i don't know. you just look so free, like you have no worries or problems or anything, and it makes me sick with jealousy.

but then again, i'm probably looking at you through rose-tinted glasses (i can't remember if it's rose-tinted or rose-coloured).

the happiest people are usually the saddest, really, aren't they?

i've put you on such a pedestal, jen. in my mind you are perfect, faultless, immortal, singularly beautiful.

i have no way of knowing if you're perfect. i don't even know if you prefer to be called jennifer. i hear your friends call you jen, but maybe they're the only ones who get to call you that - call you jen, i mean.

do you think we count as friends, jen? i'm not sure we do. i tell you an awful lot more than i tell all my friends.