Dear Maya,

You've been heavy on my mind lately. Ya know, with little random memories here and there.

Remember when we where the tres amigas - you, Emilia, and I. We were the original squad goals before #squadgoals was a thing.  We created games together, played with each other, dipped our hands into sticky art fun together.  We used to cheer Emilia on as she fought our enemy Nate, often winning with bites, scratches, and shin kicks (come to think of it- our class was a mildly violent one - I mean these sparing matches were sometimes the highlight of our week).  We'd tend to her wounds, instantly cheering her up with a new game, quickly forgetting the past behind us. This was all when we had time to kill - every recess was like summer, the sun shining bright and us yearning to be in kindergarten where we could have water days once again.

We were happy.

But things began to change. Memories of running to the bathroom to cry alone as you stood by and let those who where our enemy bully me until I couldn't take it anymore.  Your smug smile every time I greeted you, like you had some secret that I would never know. You stopped sharing everything with me. We were still friends, but we were no longer part of the tres amigas.  We only used that name when we wanted to laugh, to arouse a sense of nostalgia, to rebuild our broken bonds with weak tape.

To me, you became one of them (although not quite as bad - I could never forget our past).

And so our groups split, and it was never the same again.

Today I remembered when I first saw you again in high school.  My school had a volleyball game against your school, and you came out to support your team and to see Emilia. Little did you know that I went to the same school as her.  As I stepped off the bus, I saw your black and white sweater that was too small for you.  You grinned and ran to Emilia, smiling like good friends, and all the memories - the good and the bad - washed over me.  I waited for you to recognize me as I leaned against the bus and pretended not to see you.

And when you finally did, your eyes lit up with surprise and joy.

Like you forgot what you had done to me.

How much tortuous joy you had brought to my childhood.

How much you hurt me.

I don't hold grudges, but I try to remember while forgiving - all with a level of forgetting as well.

But it is so hard to forget you.

We hugged and squealed the typical "omg"s and "how are you"s and "wow I haven't seen you in so long"s like people who recognize each other but can't quite place from where.

I was reminded of how much I knew you. And how much I don't know you anymore.

The dreams of being BFFs forever, endlessly trapped in the 4th grade - long gone into the past.

So much passed through my mind in that quick moment before we walked into the gym to play against your team.  We beat them, but it was a good game.

But you left early, so I never got to tell you anything - never got a chance to continue to catch up - to try to patch more holes with weak tape.

I will probably never see you again, but if we do, perhaps we can try once more.

So I wrote you this letter to let you know what I basically wanted to say all these years:

You will forever be a part of my past, but I can't let you continue to dwell in my future.

Sincerely,

L ❤