Why do I still love Chris? Why do I have to lose the love of my life? Why did he have to flirt with my so-called best friend? Why did I have to have them meet? I knew he was going to leave me for her. I should have cut and let me bleed out from how bad i am hurting right now.

Why does he keep looking at me in class? Why me? Why do I always get dumped and hurt? Why do guys always go to my best friends? I might just cut and bleed till I'm not alive anymore. I don't really want anyone else... I only want him, but he officially done with me. Yet he calls me a bad girlfriend... I texted him all the time and I always wanted to call just so i can hear his voice but he would never call me or text me back for hours. I don't ever flirt with his friends... and yet he stopped cuddling me, kissing me, and holding my hand.

I hate the fact that I'm missing him... I hate that I still love him... all I do now is cry my eyes out, I'm tearing apart without the guy u feel deeply in love with... I think he stopped loving me when he met Riley... I need a new life so i can be happy... and i was happy with him but he broke me down really bad... I only wanted him and no one else...

now i'll never have him again he hates me and telling people lies about how we broke up... all i been doing is crying harder and harder. I can't stop crying because of him, all I think about is how i want him but he doesn't care for me anymore..i wish i could go back through time and make them never meet but i can't

I want to know why he keeps looking at me in art class but i'll never know why... I hate how much hurt I am right now, every time I see him i just want to cry and hurt myself.

Im surprised im writing more than what i thought, my head is all so messed up right now and add on to the fact that my heart is still breaking down. There are times i'm having a mental break down and im crying and I can't stop breathing & can't see anything. Everything is all his fault now because i really did love him and he goes and breaks me for good this time.

Maybe i should just end my life from all the pain and heartbreak that always happens to me. Every day now i have to fake a smile and Lauren and act like im ok but deep down I'm really not ok... I might never be ok now after i lost the only guy I ever wanted in my high school year now.. I don't know what to do now.

You don't or anyone understands my feelings and on to the fact that everyone keeps saying Gabbie wasn't my daughter, they would say "she just some child"... u was already broken from the death of her and I'm still having a hard time with it.

I don't care if Gabbie wasn't my blood or really mine but i will always call her my daughter... she was my little sunshine and my little angel. If anyone says anything bad about gabbie I will go off on people.

I am always losing everyone this year, I lost Chris 3 times and it's for good now... then I lose my child. And my grandma, I am losing everyone around me and i feel so weak and alone. I don't want to be in the world anymore i can't keep getting hurt.

Chris was the love of my life, Gabbie was my daughter/ best friend, my grandma was family and we were close. Everyday i don't really talk to anyone that even means family, teachers, my very little friends. I sound so stupid writing this but then again no one gives a damn about me.

Why I'm writing this is because I can't talk to anyone about this... no matter how hard i try it never works out. Plus everyone I date to use or cheats on me and I'm done with all of it.

I know I push people away, but I'm just scared to let people get close because of how many times I've been fucked over. Not a lot of people knowns as "so-called friends" of mine care about me... i know i shouldn't cut because I need to or else it will make me want to punch a wall or go on my roof.

I'm so far away from my blood and body that I'm so weak from all the crying i do and its won't stop. Everything I do I break a lot and no one cares about what my side of the story or what is happening to me is. I only have one friend and his name is Leo, he has been with me through hell and back for years now.

If anything i trust him the most. I for real hate the fact i still in love with Chris and i can't stop it at all... I really miss him and he hates me and I didn't even do anything. It's sad I don't go in flirts with his best friends because I'm loyal and i loved him while he hurts me by flirting with my not best friend Rilee...

I'm trying to stay strong for everyone around me and I'm just failing at everything. I failed at being a daughter, a mother, a girlfriend, a sister, and a cuz and I fail at being a friend. I have been writing this for like 4 hours now just to tell what I'm feeling about everything that's going on...

All I do now is stay put in a room crying, or trying to harm myself... I hate myself for being such a fuckup because I know everyone hates me... I don't know what to do anymore.

I got a lot of stuff going on at home right now and it's getting bad for me to the point I don't ever want to go home because of my roommate.

I am feeling so deep down and i have no energy in my body at all and i just want to die and cry and i just want to sleep and never wake up ever again.

Then add onto my grades is making me very stressful and it's only my 3rd grade in highschool. Then add on to the fact that I'm getting blamed for something that happened years ago when I was just a kid.

I have been losing all my friends, i got everyone who hates on me with bullying and everything.

For years on end, i been bullied badly, i been pushed and hit, i even had things thrown at me... i can never have a normal life, i just want to live with my family without any problems. I just want to be happy and normal again.

So Far i just wrote 6 pages of this and i am very surprised about this. Yes, i am going to add all these facts and info in my letter because it is how I have been feeling for a long time.

When i go and date someone i always end up getting hurt, I can never find anyone loyal, everyone pushes me into talking and everything...

I might just give up on finding someone who will love me for me and not blame me for what I have done in my past.

Yes, my whole emotions and system is all messed up and everything but I am trying to fix things, mostly when it comes to opening up to someone I'm with.

I can't go to anyone about what had happened to me when i was a kid because im scared as hell, that if I tell someone they will tell my mom and I will get yelled at for lying...

all I do now is shut people out now and I listen to my music and not talk or not pay attention to anyone around me.

I have been trying to fight off the pain and hurt and everything but nothing is working not even writing, coloring, music, reading, nothing is helping so my life is just getting so much worse.

Why the hell and i still writing? Why can't i just stop? Why am i wasting my time in writing this now? I do know is I'm a waste of living in this painful world. I don't have anyone to hold me, cuddle me, kiss me, hold my hand, or say that they will love me. I hate how he can hurt me when i thought he loves me but everything he said to me was a lie.

I wish I could go back in time and change that Chris and Rilee never met... but i can't now, i lost everyone around me. A lot of people hate me and don't like me because of all the lies that are going on around me now.

I will always love him no matter how much i try not to... I was such a bad girlfriend... but it's over because he hates me and don't want me back and now I don't sleep much anymore because im crying and thinking about all the fun times but it's over now..

i just want a new life so i can be happy and not so sad and depressed and suicidal now but nothing will never change. I gave Chris everything and he breaks my heart worse than anyone else ever done.

I'm such a weak person who will always break and cry... I will never be stronger than I ever used to.

I can't pay attention to anything anymore... maybe I should just be done with guys because i'll just keep getting hurt and used as a toy.

I was raped at the age of 6 or 7, I can't tell anyone because they can't do anything about it now... the guy died a couple of days after my birthday.

I was always in bad places growing up... i was always dating bad people, I was almost in juvie, I always ran away I was a mess... so I'm opening up in this.

Leo, i know you will be reading this... please dont show him this because he doesn't care about how I am feeling. Or why I never opened up to him about a lot of this stuff please don't show him...

I guess u can take pictures and show him... but anyways i always felt he didn't love me anymore. I always felt like I wasn't worth his time or anything... I always give up on everything to be with him again...

I cried non stop because I just want him and no one else... I try not to cry but i can't stop because I always think of how much i am in lowkey love with him.

I haven't been eating, sleeping or doing anything that i enjoy doing... im hating myself because i wasn't the perfect sexual girlfriend he wanted. I felt like he was with me for his sexual needs and not for me. I feel so alone every day, all day because he wasn't with me at home or at school.

I shouldn't miss him but i do... I can't stop it, i can't stop the fact i just want him and only him but he with my not best friend anymore...

I hope I can just shut down my feelings again but i cant for some odd reason. I really need to shut down my emotions but nothing is working and I'm still so broken.

I want to have a better life but that will never happen because once something happens you cant change anything or how are future is going to be but I do know things will go bad when im older.

I can't stop my thoughts now or my feelings i just want to ignore all of my exs now... I talk to my ex's i grow feelings for them all the time again and i really hate it so much and I hate myself for not stopping it at all and there is nothing I can do now...

so please let me go die in pain and heartbreak but then again no one lets me because I'm "loved" like no im not. I have been writing this for days now and i have been told I should type this in my computer and I don't think I want to just yet...

should i really type all of this? Just so everyone can see it? I don't want to be bullied again, I just don't feel safe anymore about things now.

I don't feel safe when people read my stuff like this and I don't really like it though it makes me feel scared and very uneven about a lot of things now.

All i hear all the time is everyone yelling and fighting, its making my stress go up in every way possible and I keep getting headaches and i feel sick and I can barely breathe. I will think about typing this on my computer but i might not guess we will see how I feel.

I really need to give up on writing this but its like my dairy and i will add on to it no matter what date I started writing this, But I feel good about writing all this.

When I come to school i always wish I didn't feel like trash everyday... u wish i was a perfect person for everyone around me and not a dumb person...

so many thoughts are coming and going when i'm writing my feelings and everything. I wish no one left me alone in my dark shadow and my dark place.

There are times where I think my mom hates me about a lot of things that I do. I am ashamed that i was raped, im ashamed for having sex with my step brother, im ashamed of everything i did and do now.

Yes, I am writing this in many different colors right now because it makes me feel good doing it in many colors right now. I have been hurting myself without a reason because I needed to let go of everything.

I'm so tired of living in a whole world who hates people for how they look or what their sexuality is, im a female who is bisexual and im proud of who i am.

Today has been getting worse every second, hour, minutes of the day. I did though about typing all of this but i still need time on what I want to do. I wish I could just stop crying and being so weak and stupid.

I really miss him... but he is with my ex-best friend... so i was right because he has hickeys all over his neck and i just want to cry and done being alive. I am so damn weak that I just cry for the rest of my life.

There are so many pages of me writing this because its been taking me days to write this and I don't want to keep making pages on the day I'm on. I'm a mess and maybe I should go back to the mental hospital and stay there forever.

Its what my mom wants, no one wants me around anymore so maybe i should just go and make everything better and make people happy so just let me go die and let me stay dead.

I keep having really bad flashback now of all the times I have been hurt and used... maybe I should let someone take pictures of this and show chris so he knows why i cant open up... i been abused, raped. And bullied... after everything that has happened to me I have grown to be quiet and not talk.

I loved him so much but he used me to get to rilee and i'm so hard headed and broken i'll never be the same or happy again, i just want to die. What's the point in dating now when all I'm just gonna get hurt? I thought there was a thing called highschool sweetheart but its not a thing at all, i though a few people at my school that i dated was the one for me, but they were so clingy and everything i couldn't do it. I finally learn to shut down my feelings again, it's been a year since I last shut down my feelings, I only talk to maybe 4 exs or 6, idk i lose track on who i talk to lol. Finally for once in so long i'm loose and i can be free without a damn in the world now, it's good to finally be in a mood where i dont give a fly about anything around me at the moment.

I think it's good to have a change again, I need to be a better person, I need to be stronger than I used to be. Last time I changed was when i was with a girl for a whole year and I couldn't do the pain she was causing me and so i finally got the urge to get up and leave and I became a better person for myself. Yes i miss her alot and everything but we have are own ways now and we needed this for many reasons. We fought non stop, we wouldn't open up to each other about a lot of stuff, we had are problems a lot but then a few months when we fought we would try and work them out.

I will always love her yes, why? Because she has been by my side through hell and back, i lost my daughter 9 months ago, almost 10 months now, and it broke me down badly, but she kept me going everyday and all day. When i feel like i'm going to have a break down she was there to keep my mind off of what's going on around me. Last year when I was in world history I was always falling asleep and I was on a call with her, she would be so stupid and do dumbest things ever. It always made me laugh and i would get looks when I laugh.

Me and her had some good moments and days but there times we fought and won't talk till one of us is cooled off. I went maybe 5 days without talking to her because I was so pissed and upset and i didnt need people to bother me. I think she still pissed off about that haha anyways another topic now, my 11th grade year is hella hard and i just hate it. I'm waiting for december to happen so I can get my tattoo and have christmas and to be free for a little while, the only thing I hate about december is New Years eve. If i was writing this with a pencil this would be 15 or so pages long now, but I'm not writing this due to my wrist.

Um i am very surprised with myself at this moment because of how much im typing im doing now and I don't have anything else to rant about now and that's hella sad. Wait! I do have something to rant about, if rilee hoe ass self don't stay away from me and my family i will get a restraining order on her and I'm not afraid to do it. I don't need that lying bitch near my family or me. She broke girl code big time. She done lost her friendship with me, she broke many promises, she thinks im stupid asf, and she came to my house yesterday and i was about to go off on her like foreal. Everyone telling me to forget about it, like foreal, how tf can I forgot about that? She went behind my back to date my ex the guy i loved and wanted but its whatever, he was a cheater anyways. I been laughing because everyone asking me what's his address and i been giving it out to people, i finally have people who literally cares about me and will kill someone just to make sure im happy and safe.

My other ex girlfriend emma came up to me today and asked me why am I using different colors and i said i can because it makes me feel better for what I'm writing. I feel like using different colors i can get things off my chest and when someone reads this and they get lost they will know what color they are on and start from there.

Today in art i got a sub who is taking care of the classroom while my teacher will be out for 6 weeks due to the fact that she just had a new born baby. But no everyone right, i shouldn't be crying over a guy who lies to his friends about how be broken up, I have the proof of what happened that day, he dumped me september 15, around maybe 5 or so and he with my ex best friend the next day like what the hell. He lied to christina about not going with her after dumping me that was a lie. So everyone I dated is a liar and a cheater.

I ran out of tears to cry, now i just got to get used to the fact he not mine anymore and I doubt anything going to work due to the fact I have been in love with him for 3 damn years now. But again I'm always getting feelings for my exs and it's scary asf mostly when some of them i dated in my freshman year of highschool. I am now stronger than I used to when I left my ex girlfriend heidi, that shit was hella hard but it was what we needed. I know she will be reading this again soon because she knows I'm typing and when i'm not muted she will know im typing something down.

The question is I have been asking myself after I left her, and for a few months I have been asking myself, will she ever take me back? No matter how many times we fought? Does she still think about me? A lot has been coming to my mind but no matter what she will always be my lover that I was with for a year, the only one that felt real and alive and strong. I know I will never be the best girlfriend to anyone I date but I do try and be there and help them but i'm a failure at almost everything and they will get up and leave because I have no way to help them with their problems..

I'm scared, I'm scared I wont have anyone else in my world now, i have have anyone, or anything, maybe since I'm always getting harassed by a whole bunch of people maybe i should hide in a hole and never come back out and I'll die slowly hidden and never come out and live. Everyone right about me, i was a bad girlfriend... maybe I shouldn't be happy? Maybe the god himself telling me i'm not meant for anyone in the messed up world. A student who i was in a few classes were killed not far from me and that hurts me knowing she was gone, people are dying everyday, students are getting murders for no reasons, everyone around us are dying to getting shot, getting hit and much more, and this all needs to stop now.

Everyone asking me now on why i have dates on my story, so the date 9.14.19 is me talking to someone who I love, 9.28.19 is when I met a new friend, 9.30.19 is when my ex bf from 3 years ago texted me to be friends again, 1.4.19 is the day I lost my daughter, 8.8.19 is when I was with someone for a year, 5.23.19 (grandma) and 5.23.18 (max) is when I lost my grandma, and max a year ago, and 2.10.19 is when the guy who raped me died 10 days later. I am in english today 10.2.19 and we are talking about horror movies and rape, and I said its hard to deal with, and i said i also know whats its like being sexual assult, i didnt know what rape was until i hit the age 10, i was in 4th or 5th grade when i found out what that word meant and i relised that i was raped at the age 7 or 8 years old.

After years without telling anyone on what happened to me many years ago, I told everyone in class... and now a lot of people know what happened to me, and now im gonna get bullied and laughed at because of it. Everyone will think I am faking it, but I'm not, I let it happen to me to protect my middle sister lauren from it, I'll do it over and over again from letting my sisters get raped. I haven't told anyone not even my mom knows I was raped at a young age. My mom trusted the guy who raped me, I made sure my mom was near when he came over after we moved out from the shelter, i didn't want to go through that again, I still feel like I'm trapped there and it scares me, im scared its going to happen again and I'm trying to stay strong for people all around me but im failing worst than ever before. I let people get too close to me, I'm such a damn failure, i'm a loser, i'm a goner and maybe i should just disappear for a while, since i'm about to be a punching bag by a lot of people but it's not like anyone cares about me. My neighbor next door has threatened me twice and I haven't even done anything to them, and all i get is blamed for everything around me. On 10.4.19, my school is doing balloons to show respect for my daughter gabbie, they will be doing the gone balloons that they do when u lose someone, and I'm already crying thinking about it, I miss her dearly. I'm still thinking she here but i know she not gonna be able to see the person she looked up to anymore but i do hope she watch down at me failing at everything I do because she was gone, and I hope she knows I love her deadly and very much and that i'm thinking about her all the time, she is my princess, my whole life, and when she was gone, my whole world crushed badly and it's still crushes me thats ill never see her again.

I'm thankful for my high school for building a bench at the student parking lot for gabbie, and then both Oakland middle school (my old middle school) and battle high school (school im soon to leave in a year) raise money to give to her real parents. I'm such a bad mother to gabbie.. I blame myself alot of her death and missing the ballooning and not being there to keep her safe.. I'm blaming myself for her death, her life, everything that ever happened to her. So today is 10.11.19, i'm in my first class of the day and my other teacher said i can go to the library to get my speaker checked out for my headphones, and well my main teacher just said i can't go and get it checked out. If i dont have music to do my work then I won't be doing anything at all. Because I got to have my music to get my work done or i straight up won't get anything done around me. 

~ no one cares bout how i feel so why not just write my letters down in a book.. so here ya goo...