How many nights absent of solace can you count?
How many hours of daylight did it take
Until your head could no longer fake it?

There was blinding sunlight above the ocean
But the rays became bolts of lightning
And attacked the sun
It flittered down like a piece of paper
And dissolved in an ocean of despair

The clouds rolled in
And the waves became too powerful
I feel like I'm drowning
Coughing up water
Getting knocked down
Catching breaths
How many more breaths

It takes so much energy to breath
It takes so much energy to be happy
It takes so much energy to accept
It takes so much energy to be here
It takes so much energy to keep going

I'm so scared
I feel so alone
Why is everything so hard for me?
I feel so small and useless
I can't see the impact my being here does for anything or anyone
I fear being useless
God I feel so useless

Could it be I want to feel needed?
Could it be I want to feel reliable?
All these things are hard to believe
When my worst memories involve outright rejections of those traits

My heart hurts
I feel at peace yet at my loneliest in these corners
Is it possible for the future to haunt you?
To dread every step you take forward
To inflict subconscious pain even thinking about it?
I'm stuck in a time warp
Of wanting to move forward yet feeling so slow
I feel stuck, I feel so stuck
I feel alone so painfully alone!