To you,

I'm here today. Standing right in front of you. Hugging, congratulating you. I wish you good luck and a happy ever after. And I'm telling you good bye.

All things have to end, but this one, as good as it was, it never really started. I don't say that we never laughed, joked or had fun together. But I knew right from the start that I should stay away from you.

The first time I ever saw you, I decided that that's not it. That you're not good for me. I decided to keep my distance - at all costs. I tried to be mean and rude or just cold, but somehow it didn't work. I gave in and I don't know why, but this day I told my heart and brain to shut up. To be 'normal' for once. To stop feeling hurt about everything - not even knowing why to be hurt in the first place. I told them to stop reminding me of the constant pain inside of me, that came one day and never left. I told them to feel 'normal' and stop asking if I could ever be. I told them to just break that silence and go for 'normal' screaming.

But obviously I'm not normal at all. Probably there's something wrong with me and not with you. I am the one who obviously can't do any kind of relationship that would require trust. There is this part of me that no one ever saw (except for a white sheet of paper now and then). It's a side of me that is afraid, hurt and horrified. It saw a glimpse of the world and now doesn't want to come out anymore. So I got myself this almost flawless masquerade of a strong, independent, smart, tough woman that cannot be hurt at all. There is just a hand full of people who saw that even this one isn't without pain. But none of them saw the complete me. They all just never noticed, never could or would.

But that's me. You can't change yourself. Not really. You can learn some manners or rules of the society you live in. But you cannot change who you truly are.

And I get it. I am a difficult person. Even I don't like myself at some points. And yes, maybe at some point I should stop being sarcastic, rude or cool. But those are my flaws, my mistakes, my handicaps and not yours to judge. And that's not what I wanted to say to you today:

I am here today. But it's the last time. I'm done. I just can't stand it anymore. Every time I talk to you, see you or meet with you I feel bad afterwards. Either because I told you the truth and you didn't like it or because you said something that made me think bad about my life, my choices or just me in general. Every time I cried or was angry at everything and nothing. You dragged me down with you. You ripped my self confidence apart and every time you did this, it got harder to fix.

Don't get me wrong. We had our good times. When we could laugh and just enjoy life. But those moments became very rare over the past few years. Since you started running away from something that I could never see. But the moment you started running from me was the moment I saw you. Your character without that mask which I saw before. And it may hurt, but I didn't like this person anymore. I understood what heart and brain wanted to tell me right from the start.

All people wear masquerades nowadays. No one just shows the real face. And somehow I think they're satisfied with this. As if they don't want to be themselves. And they don't want to see others feeling differently, being truly happy. They just see their own happiness that they can't get. And then they start to make you feel bad. Intendedly or sometimes not. What matters is: They do. And I can't stand it anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who's real-me wants to be seen, loved and moreover wants to get out of its hideout. But every time I get closer to someone I can see inside. And I see in them what I saw in all the others before: lies. They even lie to themselves I guess. Maybe they even think that they're showing their real self. But I can see them. Some are broken as I am. Some are evil. Hard but true. Some are lost. Some haven't decided yet. And most of them are just wrong in all their intentions. They don't listen, don't think twice, can't get criticized, can't accept others the way they are. They cannot think of anyone else but themselves. They will never see someone else's real feelings, troubles and sorrow. They don't see what's important in life. They want to get praised and well paid. They want to be special and better than the rest. They talk bad about others and make them feel small.

I didn't see what was bleeding me out. I still don't get the entire picture. But I know that you are a part of it. I could never do anything right with you. And yes maybe that was all my fault because I can't be 'normal', I can't trust. Maybe there's something really wrong with me. But no matter why, I know I need to end this. I'll not follow you anywhere anymore. Begging for your attention when I need it most. It will end here and it will end today. Maybe I should start thinking about myself for a change. For real this time not just for a show.

I actually thought I was. Maybe I even did. I needed, still need someone to see me in all my facets, to tell me that it's gonna be alright, that I am good the way I am. I need someone who understands, who knows everything and still wants to stay. I really do. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I am a human being after all.

But this person was never meant to be you. And you will never be this someone I am looking for so desperately. Neither will I ever be that one for you. I want to be happy. I can't be right now and I won't be for I don't even know how long. But I can stop being unhappy. Move to a neutral state. And that means letting go of what hurts me most.

This is good bye. It's a good bye with a thank you in it. Thank you for the good times. And thank you for showing me what I don't need and don't want.

This is good bye and it is one for forever. I wish you all the best for the future but I don't want to be a part of it. Live your life as you think it's best. It's yours. But don't tell me about it, don't invite me to see it, don't call me when you're in need of someone to talk to. I'm not this person anymore. Now I know that I am the one who could need someone to talk to. But I'll have to keep it inside where it may burn what's left until I find someone. But this time it's gotta be the right one. 

Maybe I'll never find this person.

But at least I tried.

This is good bye. An end and a new beginning. It's just not you and me anymore - it probably never really was. So live well, find a place where you don't have to run and maybe one day start seeing instead of just looking.

Good Bye