After taking to my wife, I came up with an analogy for us.

I'm the universe, the universe is nothing more than empty black space. My wife, the sun; radiating her essence - her love - into the empty void. My son is all of the distant stars, with endless possibilities for him. What me and my wife suffered was an eclipse, where her light couldn't shine, yet she still remained.

That single talk me and her had changed me. I'm more focused and driven. I will help her and she will help me. That's what marriage is supposed to be.

Things are looking up because of the emotions your story evoked in me.

I am grateful really. If your focus is shifting - and this analogy is quite beautiful btw - then it makes everything in my past matter. It gives it purpose see?

And yes that is what I would say marriage is. Two people helping each other and when one needs it, the other props one up. I hope you two continue on this journey and through words and kindness, reach a resting place, where the universe and the sun and the stars in it are all aligned :)

Even now, just messaging you I can feel the shift in my writing. The only thing holding me back is me. With you as a mentor, I believe I can become quite the literary artisan. Your words are beautiful and I strive for that.

Strive for you. It's all about you, this journey. I am on the sidelines watching but it has to be you walking the talk see? No one can walk beside you. You need to garner strength and get the words out and not worry about anyone else but yourself. See if YOU are healing, then everything around you and connected to you heals as well?

I can already see that. My new uplifted spirits have impacted those around me after just one day. I will make my life what I want it to be. It's in my hands.

Chapter 20 . . . Is that the way you still feel? Isolated from the masses? Different?

It sure is. Once you understand this you are no longer controlled by circumstances, YOU control them... As to isolated from the masses and different, to a large degree, sure, still. I am intelligent which puts me at odds with most people when it comes to conversations because I end up telling/preaching? I also don't watch TV haven't for years, so since this is a big part of peoples' lives, it's something I can't share in. But having said that, reaching out to people here and making some good friends has helped me tremendously. It has changed my 'real life' also as I am interacting more and not keeping myself so isolated. I will always feel 'different' but I understand now that I can feel this way and still form friendships and function in life if this makes sense?

One thing I've noticed is your life was always centered around a man. Either giving yourself to him, using him, letting him use you, and everything in between. I think you deserve to make friends for face to face interaction. Believe me, I know what's it's like to be smarter than the people around me. Even if they don't have half the mind you do, they are still a living breathing creature like you are. One thing people don't think about is that the conscious mind you have, is shared by someone else. Imagine yourself, unable to grasp things the way you do. I had a head injury where I couldn't grasp things. That's where I learned how my mind perceives things; your active (conscious) thoughts and your inactive (subconscious) thoughts. I'm sure science has already named these, but that was the conclusion I came up with.

Anyway, you need to allow yourself to be in the presence of others. If not for yourself, for your boys. I'm not saying they will become antisocial because that isn't always the case. Just think how impressed they would be to see the mother they read about in action. Opening up to conversation, even if it isn't deep.

If you want deep conversation, I'll indulge you. My mind is actually starting to open up. My emotions I'm starting to get a better grasp over. I hope I don't lose them, but I'm starting to become the thinker I once was. I'm sure I can talk to someone else without issue.

Oh my boys have full access to the 'me' me. They don't know about my childhood per se but I have allowed small things to trickle in as they mature. They are probs the only people who truly understand me and the closeness between us is not your average mum/child bond, they LIKE being with me, they like hanging out and I have ensured I have kept up with technology, so as to keep up with THEIR lives?

Other people bore me frankly. I am not into women's conversations or gossip or mundane things. Hard to find thinkers in this day and age, and I lost the only one I had, so yeah, I do search, and have found one or two online, but it's really not the same thing see? I mean Nikk and I would sit for 24 hours straight sometimes, just theorizing. Throwing ideas around. That I miss. Happy to hear about your mind opening up, really, and you should foster this.

Of course my life always centered around men, all I knew from a tender age see? Thus my taking time out this past decade to concentrate on me and mine?

What type of things do interest you? I can try to fill that void for you.

I don't have a void as such and this is not about me, this is to help you. You have your own journey and the dealing with it, I am merely here to help you let go, and reach the source of whatever is holding you back. See, this is where you can get caught up in my life, and neglect or rather shift focus from your own? Which really is you avoiding/putting off those things that need tending to so you DON'T end up here several decades later still scratching you head and also realising how much precious time you wasted? Think this through.

One of the things I thought would help is learning how to hold a proper conversation. Something that doesn't involve a person directly.

Online conversations are not 'real'... Real is when you sit opposite someone and absorb micro-expressions and body language and the effect in another's eyes??? There is no 'real' without the being in the moment together. You went down that road and you 'believed' you caused emotions in others... yet remained unfulfilled? So YOU need to get out from behind the screen and just sit in a cafe and observe. See what is going on around you, watch the conversations others have, watch the effects of those conversations... Strike up one or two of your own if the reason presents itself??? There is NO real online, despite the push to isolate people from other people by attaching them to devices, see? Online isolates. Creates false illusions. One can be anyone and anything and say whatever.

Pretty soon I'll be posting that. I'm over 1000 words in and haven't gotten to the actual loss yet.

I am sincerely impressed. Both by your persistence and your attitude. Looking very much forward to reading it.