Chapter 42 ~ Liam

It’s have been a hard time for me, mostly because I’m angry all the time. I’m worse than Zayn when he is moody because he hasn’t slept enough. But I can’t help it, everything makes me angrier and I know I shouldn’t act this way, but it’s just bigger than me. I’ve accepted that Darcy will stay in Chile. She hasn’t told me anything, but I just know it. Nothing will be more important than Lizzie and I know Darcy, she can be unhappy her whole life if that’s what will make things easier for Lizzie. It doesn’t matter she hates Chile, it doesn’t matter if she loves me and we can’t be together. Lizzie will always be more important and I can’t help it, I’m jealous of a little girl, I’m angry because I’m not the most important person for Darcy when she is the most important person for me.

I would do anything for her.

I would travel to Chile every day if that’s what she wanted, I would even quit the band to be with her. Yes, at that extreme. But I’m not just jealous, I’m also selfish because I could do so much just to be with her, but I know she wouldn’t so why should I even try? It’s not fair that I’m the only one who really wants to make this work. I feel like she is not trying, that all she cares about is Lizzie’s happiness.

I do understand. I would do everything for my sisters, but I can’t push my own desires aside. I thought… I thought I was important for her but I’ll never be that important. I want to be with her but if she is not even capable of thinking of herself for a change, how can we make this work when we can only see each other, what? Once a year for like two days?

These past few days everything looks dark and impossible, like there’s no way out and the only way I can handle this, is forcing myself not to think of it. How? Going out like I haven’t done in my whole life, getting wasted every time so I can’t remember a thing the next day. I haven’t even looked what the tabloids are saying and I don’t care. If they want to say I lost it, that having my girlfriend abroad has led me to this, I don’t care. I just need to forget that what I feel for Darcy, how important she is to me… and that is not the same for her.

I feel betrayed.

That’s why when I see her at my door I don’t know what to feel. The hangover is killing me and I try to think coherently, but everything spins around. The ground is not a safe place anymore. And she looks at me like she can’t recognise me, like she is dead worried. I knew she was coming today, but later. I thought I was going to have more time to recover from last night, to pull myself together before seeing her. I wasn’t expecting it to be like this.

“Liam, what happened?” She asks and I have to shake my head, trying to clear my mind but I still feel dizzy. “Liam, are you okay?” She insists and I react, only then moving from the door to let her in, still not saying anything. She steps closer, but her eyes never leave me and the concern grows, more noticeable in her features. “Liam!” She cries out, worried that I haven’t said anything else yet.

“I’m– I’m sorry. I went out last night,” is my answer and I see the surprise in her eyes, in the way she raises her eyebrows. “And the night before. And the one before that and… yeah, I’ve been going out a lot. I must look like shit.”

“Worse,” she answers and her concerned expression changes to a reproachful one.

“Oh no, don’t say it,” I cut her off before she can say what I know she will say. I turn around and walk away, past Brit who is running towards Darcy. “I know what you’ll say. That I shouldn’t go out that much, that I should take care of myself, that this is dangerous giving my condition but it’s just a few nights, it won’t kill me. My kidney is fine.”

“There’s a thing called alcohol poisoning, you know?” She says and my head snaps in her direction.

“I’m not an alcoholic, Darcy! I’m just a twenty-year-old guy who wants to have fun from time to time just to forget that his girlfriend is too far away and that she doesn’t care about their relationship enough to do something about it!” I spit, angrier than I’ve been all these days. Her mouth forms a perfect O and she blinks surprised. “I’m sorry if this is not what you expected from me, but I’m not in the mood and I’m tired of all this bullshit.”

“Liam, what are you saying?” She says ever so softly, like she can’t speak louder.

“That I’m tired, Darcy! That’s what I’m saying,” I cry out taking a step closer. Suddenly, I feel better, stronger. The ground isn’t moving anymore. “I’m tired of you being so far away because you are incapable of thinking about yourself, of doing what you really want. I’m tired of you putting Lizzie always first when you also matter. I’m tired that you don’t care that the distance may be killing our relationship and even if you have the chance to fix that, you won’t take it!”

This is so not how I expected things to go once she would get here.

“Liam,” she breathes in, her eyes always on me. I’m breathing heavily, my chest rising and falling quickly as I ball my fists so tight my knuckles are white. I feel my muscles pulsing like the vein behind my ear, with blood running at top speed. “It’s not like that.”

“Isn’t it? Isn’t it really? Because since I know you that’s all you’ve done: putting Lizzie first. That’s all you’ve always done! You didn’t want to go out with me because of her. If she hadn’t approved of our relationship, you would’ve never accepted a date with me! Our relationship started because she wanted it and you agreed.”

“It’s not like that! Don’t say that. You make it sound like I’ve never liked you, that I only did it to please Lizzie!” She protests, raising her voice for the first time since she got here.

“It looks like that if you think about it! You’re the most important person to me, I would do anything for you and you had the choice to make things better for us but you didn’t take it because that may have hurt Lizzie. It seems like whatever happens between us is connected to Lizzie but the only one in this relationship with me is you, Darcy. Not her!”

I’m so angry, I can’t believe I’m saying all these things, hurting her with my words. I see it in her eyes, how everything I say is like a knife through her heart, but I can’t stop. Maybe I’m not being fair, but I’m just so tired, so disappointed that I’m not as important for her as she is for me. I’m being a dick and I know it, but I can’t keep my mouth shut from shouting all the resentful things that have come to me during these past few days.

“So that’s what you think? That I don’t care about us? That all I care about is Lizzie?” her voice is cold and I see her blinking quickly, like fighting to keep the tears at bay. “Why thank you for explaining it so fully!” She shouts taking a step closer. I hold my breath for a few seconds. “Excuse me for caring so much about my little sister, the person that has been with me for almost ten years, the person I’ve taken care of for so long! Excuse me for wanting the best for a little kid. Excuse me for trying to keep her safe and happy. Excuse me for not doing what you expect me to do. You knew, you knew from the beginning how things were with me and I thought you had accepted me like that, I guess I was wrong.” Now she is breathing heavily, her face flushed with anger. “And if you think I don’t care about us, you’re wrong. But I’m sure you can’t understand how it feels to be so torn like I was. Having to choose whether you stay with your family or you follow your dreams is not easy, not when your complete family is what you’ve always wanted to have! What would you have done in my place? Uh?”

She takes another step closer and now I can see it more clearly, the tears in her eyes, the pain in her features.

“I would’ve picked you,” I answer in a whisper.

“Ha!” She laughs at me, but there’s no humour in her voice. “That’s what you say because you don’t really have to choose, because you haven’t been in my place and you’re not me! It’s not that easy, Liam.”

“It could be,” I insist, still whispering, loosing all the adrenaline and anger that had consumed me before when I see her like this, with her eyes filled with so much pain.

“No. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I wouldn’t even wish it to my archenemies. I pray you will never have to go through something like this, Liam, because it’s the worst thing in the entire world. You think you know but you don’t! You’ll never know.” There’s not only pain, there’s betrayal in her eyes as well. “I’m stupid. I came here because I wanted to surprise you, to give you the good news but I find this. I guess it’s good to know what you really think. But it’s okay, I understand now.” She looks at me in a way that feels like she is taking my heart in her fist and ripping it out of my chest. “But you do know something, Liam. I did make a decision and I didn’t pick you,” she says softly and now it’s like she is stepping on my heart with this confirmation. “I chose my dream, my future, my life. I was just hoping you were part of that future, but I guess I was wrong.”

“What?” I ask confused, not exactly following what she means.

“I’ve come back to stay and not because of you and this, and all what you’ve told me today. Not just because we’re over now I’ll go back with my family. I came here to study, I came here to pursuit my dream to become a journalist. I came here because I want to start living my life. Lizzie now has Mum, she doesn’t need me on her side all the time and she is my sister, I know now that I’ll never lose her. But even coming here I lost you, but anyways I’m staying, even if I don’t have you anymore. So there you have it, I’m thinking of myself now.”

I’m so shocked I can’t say anything; I just look at her with my heart hammering against my chest, my brain fighting to process all the information. She is staying, she picked to come here, she is going to Uni, she left Lizzie and her mum in Chile and she says we’re over.

I guess she expects me to say something, but I can’t articulate a single word and that seems to hurt her even more. Maybe she expects me to stop her, to tell her we’re not over and I want to, so badly. I want to tell her that I don’t want us to be over, I can’t bear the thought of losing her.

But I can’t speak and now I really regret having gone out last night.

“Fine. Good bye, Liam,” she says next turning around and panic rises up in my body, but I still can’t move nor say a thing and I see her leaving my flat, Brit looking at her confused as she opens the door and closes it behind her.

She is staying, she is doing it for herself and no one else, not for me, not for Lizzie but for her and even if I’m not in the equation she is staying. This time, she is doing everything because it’s the best for her and I’m letting her walk away because I’m an idiot. I assumed she would pick Lizzie, as she usually does, but I was wrong. She has changed, she is not the same girl I’ve met almost a year ago. She is still selfless, but now she matters as well and I’m letting this new Darcy walk away.

“What am I doing?” I cry out, scaring Brit and finally moving. “Darcy!” I call next running to the door, not caring I’m only in my pants, that I’ll make a fool of myself for going out like this after her. I have to stop her. I can’t let her believe we’re over because we’re not. We can’t be over when I was wrong, when I thought something that wasn’t right.

When I reach her, the doors of the lift are almost closing and if I had been a second late, she would’ve been out of my reach. Before she can say something, I grab her hand and pull her outside the lift, dragging her next to me, wrapping my arms around her, hugging her tightly.

I have her now, in my arms and the realisation of that finally hits me. She is here, she has picked her life and I can be in that life if I stop being a dick.

“Let me go,” she whispers, not hugging me back but I don’t obey, I hug her tighter because I hear her voice shattered, because I feel her tears on my skin.

“I’m sorry, Darcy. I’m so sorry for being a dick,” I say, not letting her go yet. “I– I thought you were going to stay with Lizzie and I was scared we couldn’t make it work because you were going to be so far away. I was angry because I couldn’t have you with me. I was angry because I felt desperate. I said things that are not really what I think or what I’ve always believed. Forgive me, please, forgive me for being such a dick,” I plead, hiding my face in her hair, still feeling her tears on my skin.

I can’t believe I made her cry, I can’t believe I caused this just because I panicked, because I didn’t wait for her to tell me her decision.

“We’re not over, I love you so much and I can’t let you go thinking this has come to an end because it hasn’t. I was just scared of losing you,” I insist and wait, wait for a reaction that she will forgive me.

“You’re an idiot,” she answers at the same time that she finally hugs me back, her arms wrapping around my waist as her hands press tightly against the skin at my back.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper again daring to think she has forgiven me.

“Just promise me you’ll never do something like that again. I know I’ve been like that before, but since I met you I’ve started to see me in the picture as well. Since I met you, it wasn’t only Lizzie anymore.”

“I know and I’m sorry. I swear I’ll never be this stupid again,” I promise pulling back to look her in the eyes so she can know I’m sincere. “I love you.”

“And I love you,” she answers with a faint smile, her eyes teary and I see the linger of her tears on her cheeks. I feel so terrible for causing this.

I bend down, grabbing her face in my hands until I can taste her lips again. She kisses me back and as our lips move in perfect sync, with her body fitting against mine so perfectly, our hearts beating at the same pace –because I can feel her heartbeat against my own chest– I know we’ll be fine. I know that here starts a new phase in our life, together.

“Come inside with me?” I ask softly when we break the kiss. “I don’t think it’s good to be only in my pants here in the hall.”

She giggles and I love the sound, I love the way her dimples show off and how her eyes shine with joy again. I love her so much and now she is here with me.

“Yes. Plus, you need a shower, Liam. You smell,” she replies and I can’t help my laughter.

I break the embrace but I take her hand in mine and entwine our fingers together, leading her back to my apartment. “I’ve missed you so much. I’m glad you’re back.”

“I’m glad I’m back too,” she answers with a smile so honest it assures me we’ll be fine. The storm has passed and we can carry on now. Her final words make my heart feel warmer and I feel at ease again. “It’s good to be home.”

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I wanna thank every single one of you for reading, voting and commenting. I'm so happy you liked this story and it was lovely to share this idea with all fo you! Thank you <3

Shout outs to @LovingYou_x, @MixedDreamz, @OmgHay1D, @iwantmynialler!

Bel, xx