Chapter 40 ~ Liam

The tour is over and I still don’t know Darcy’s decision. I know I will see her again, but she will be here for what? Three days? A week? And after that she will go back and maybe, only maybe, I’ll see her again next year. How am I supposed to deal with that? When every day that goes by I miss her even more, when I can’t feel whole unless she is with me?

Despite that we have three weeks break, I’ve been so grumpy that even my family can’t stand to be near me. My sisters have already commented how awful I’ve been acting and that I need to cool down a notch, but they don’t understand. I barely see my family, but I always know they are home for when I come back, but Darcy… she is not home, she is so far away and even if I want to see her, I can’t just take a plane and visit her like I can do with my family. What stands between us is bigger than any other barrier I’ve had to face in my life.

Mum also has noticed it my bad mood and has tried to talk to me.

“And she hasn’t told you her decision yet?” She asks me when I tell her that not knowing whether Darcy will stay in Chile or come back is killing me. I shake my head and she looks at me sympathetically.

“I know it’s hard, but if I were in her position, I would pick my dreams,” I tell her and she smiles, though I don’t see the funny side.

“That’s because you are more ambitious, Liam. You’ve always known what you want and you never give up on that, but she has always put aside what she wants for the sake of others. This would be the first time she does something because she really wants it, even if it means it may hurt someone she loves. This is new for her and it’s the hardest it could have been.” I look at Mum, trying to understand and calm down.

I know this is hard for Darcy, but I wish she could at least tell me once and for all what she will do. I really want her to choose what she wants to do, not what it’s best only for Lizzie. I adore Lizzie and I know she is the most important person for Darcy, but for me… for me Darcy is the most important person and I want her to be happy. I can’t stand the thought that she is being miserable in Chile.

“I miss her, Mum. I miss her so much.” I look down, feeling so empty in that moment.

“I know you do, sweetie, but you have to be patient and give her time. This is the hardest thing in her life and she needs you right now as she was for you when you collapsed. Remember?” I nod, thinking of that time, when she was with me all the time, even when her mum was about to leave the country again. “That’s a relationship, Liam. Not only being there in the good times, but also in the bad ones. It’s not always nice, sometimes it seems impossible… but when you can make it through you know what you have is real.”

I think of her words. I know what Darcy and I have is real, I know I love her and I know she loves me, therefore we can make it through. It’s just that… it seems so hard right now, it’s like I look beyond what we’re standing now and I can’t see anything, everything is black.

“Don’t worry, Liam. When she gets here I’m sure you will talk about this and maybe you can help her to make a decision. Everything will be fine, honey.”

She is my mum, she has always said the truth. If she says it’s going to be fine, she must be right. Mums never get it wrong, right? It’s almost like magic, they are always right.

“Thanks, Mum,” I tell her, glad she could, at least, hear me out as I ranted about this. She hugs me and pecks my cheek like she did when I was a kid.

It’s good to be home.

* * *

“C’mon, let’s go, Liam! You got here a week ago and we haven’t gone out in all that time! And I haven’t seen you in months. C’mon, you need some fresh air,” Andy insists that night and he’s been insisting for a while already.

He wants to go clubbing but in all honesty, I don’t feel like going out. Truth be told, I’m not in the mood for socialising. Today I feel even worse about having Darcy away, still without a decision made, living in the uncertainty. I know she will come to see me next week, but still. Right now, she is not here and I want her here.

“I don’t think a club can be considered ‘fresh air’, I dare say is completely the opposite, Andy,” I reply walking past him heading to the kitchen. He follows me.

“Then you need to loosen up a bit and have fun, mate! You’re all gloomy and yes, I get it, you’re in a bad mood, but you have to do something about it,” he insists and I swear, I’m about to agree just so he can leave me alone.

“I’m not in the mood, Andy. I rather stay––”

“And enjoy your misery and pity party,” he cuts me off. “Oh I see, that’s such a great plan, that will definitely make you feel better.” I don’t look at him because he has a point, I’m planning a huge pity party for me tonight, and no one is invited. “Liam, staying here won’t make her come back nor it will fix this, but coming with me to this party will give you a break for a tad bit.”

As I open the fridge to look for something to drink, I think of what he proposes. To forget about all this for a little while sounds tempting, so tempting. It’s not that I want to forget about Darcy or anything, on the contrary, I just want her here, but I do want a break from breaking my skull with so much thinking.

“Okay, let’s go,” I agree and Andy’s smile is so big I’m surprised his face doesn’t divide into two.

“Great! Now go shower and get ready ‘cos you smell, mate.”

Laughing, I close the fridge and walk past him again. “Brit doesn’t think so, she’s always next to me,” I tell him as I keep walking, leaving him in the kitchen.

“Because she is a girl and she loves you. As your best mate, is my duty to tell you that you stink,” he shouts from the kitchen, making me laugh again.

In half an hour we’re heading to this club Andy has been talking so much. He says the music is incredible and the crowd always great, plus there’s a bartender to die for. He says she is so hot he wouldn’t mind taking her home. After that he gets really graphic.

The club it is huge, the DJ is on the second floor yet he has view to the whole dance floor in the middle of the first floor. Andy tells me there’s a third floor that’s the VIP and we can get there if I want, but I rather stay here for now. He leads me to the bar and shows me the bartender girl and she is, indeed, extremely hot and she knows it, she is confident and sexy, not minding to show what she got. Andy is practically drooling over her and it’s so fun to watch how he tries to catch her eye, but she ignores him and only gives him what we’ve asked for.

I can drink, my body is already used to the medication and my liver is doing great, but I have to be careful. I can’t just get wasted and forget I have just one functional kidney, so I start with something light, whilst Andy, just to show off how manly he is –yes, I’m laughing at him– asks for the strongest drink they have. Poor bloke, he won’t remember a thing by the morning.

To my surprise, I find the lads in the same club. Apparently, it was their idea to bring me here and they knew Andy was the one who could convince me. They have been worried for me, I know, they can see how my mood gets darker and darker by the day. I feel bad for making them worry, but what I feel about this whole situation is bigger than me.

Turns out that in that cub there’re more people I know than I could’ve ever imagined. One of the many surprises is that I see Danielle. After all this time, after almost two years since we broke up, I see her again. No, I don’t feel anything besides surprise. My heart doesn’t change its pace, I don’t feel any kind of attraction towards her, or anything remotely similar. She hasn’t seen me yet, and for a moment I think I won’t even go to her and say hello. I don’t see the point, she is with her friends and it may still be awkward. I know she didn’t take it easily when I decided to break up with her.

But then a guy shows up next to her, passing his arm over her shoulders and pulling her closer. She looks at him and they way her whole face lights up when their eyes meet is like a slap across my face. Her smile is so huge and radiant, like I’ve never seen her before. I know we where happy together, but I never saw her this happy. I don’t pay much attention to him, I only notice he is taller, builder and older, probably her age or a few years older.

I’m not sure if she feels my gaze or something, but she turns around until her eyes meet mine and I see surprise in her features, but then she smiles at me, letting me know she is fine, that all what happened between us is nothing more than a memory.

Taking the bloke’s hand, she approaches to me. I haven’t moved since I saw her and I don’t know where the lads are right now. “Liam,” she says cheerfully and loudly when she gets next to me. “It’s so good to see you! It’s been so long, how are you?” She asks, the smile never leaving her face. “Oh, this is my boyfriend, Fred. He is a choreographer, that’s how we met.” She introduces and he holds out his hand for me to shake.

He has a strong handshake, and when I look at him with Danielle, I see he also loves her. It’s evident in the way he keeps her closer, protected in that crowded place. “It’s a pleasure,” he says and I reply with the same sentence.

“And how you’ve been? You were on tour, right?” She asks but I can’t stop seeing how happy she looks with Fred, how she seems to glow next to him. She was never like that with me, she never smiled that brightly with me and maybe it’s because I never made her as happy as Fred makes her.

Do I make Darcy happy?

“I’m fine, I’m doing great,” I lie. “And yes, we just finished it two weeks ago. Having a break right now. The lads are here with me, too. Having fun, I guess.”

“Oh yeah, El told me they were coming. That’s great, I’m sure you deserve a break. You always work so hard. Well, I’m glad you’re fine, Liam. I guess you were right, it was for the best, for both of us.”

“It was,” I reply. Clearly, she is better with him.

I’m happy with Darcy, I’m so happy when she is around and when we’re together I know she is the right girl for me and I’m better with her, but right now she is not here, she may even not be here with me anymore. She will pick Lizzie over her own happiness, over being here with me and pursuing her dreams.

Seeing Danielle so happy hits me in the pride, in my ego because she is better than ever whilst I get madder by the second. Darcy is not here; she won’t be here. I’ll see her, maybe, once a year if I’m lucky whilst Danielle has Fred all the time because they are in the same word. He does the same thing she loves doing. They share that whilst Darcy is in another continent, so far away from me that I can’t even see her more often.

“Well, I’m glad for you, Liam. I saw you have a girlfriend now and you two look happy, too. I’m happy for you,” she tells me, her smile as bright as it has been this whole time. “Bye.”

She leaves with Fred and I stay there, bitter for my current situation, for what I want too badly but I can’t have because what divides Darcy and I is bigger than me. I knew coming wasn’t a good idea and I can’t trust myself right now, not when real fury runs in my veins.

Without letting the lads know, I leave the club before I do something stupid, like picking up a fight with some random guy just to let go of this anger that is eating me alive. I don’t need that kind of press right now. I’ll be better at home, kicking and screaming for the unfairness of this situation. If I break something there, I can replace it easily and no one will get hurt.

I’m better off alone tonight.

-:-:-:-

This day has been so great. First off, Billie and David are confirmed for the 50th Doctor Who Anniversary. Then Doctor Who is back with The Bells Of St. John, then Pom Poms was out for a few minute and I got to see the video and then LYF got 1.7k votes, reason why you get this EXTRA UPDATE! I'm just so happy!! LET'S ALL DANCE AT THE SOUND OF POM POMS!!

Shout out for @JessicaSarahThomas! Happy birthday, dear!

Bel, xx