Chapter 39 ~ Darcy

Being in Chile is hard, harder since Liam left. It’s like when he boarded that plane, he took part of my heart and soul with him, he took home away from me. I feel again like a stranger in this city where everything is so different. All I have is my mum and Lizzie, but that’s not enough for me to be happy. I need more than that. Family is important, so important for me… but I’ve started to feel trapped and like I’m drowning.

I had a dream the other day, a dream that has made think a lot yet that has made things even more complicated.

I was on a cliff, looking at the horizon. The wing was blowing, my short hair in all directions as I breathed deeply, trying to remember why I was there. I felt different, I remember that, but at the same time I felt powerful. When I took a deep breath something happened, I felt something at my back, like a new part of me that wasn’t there before and when I looked over my shoulder, I saw wings. Huge winds like a bird. And I could move them at my will. But beyond that, at the background I could see Mother and Lizzie holding hands, looking at me with expectant expressions. I tried to smile at them, but it didn’t come out naturally because when I wanted to get closer to them, the choking sensation came to me. I looked at the horizon again, feeling the call of the unknown. When I took a step closer to the end of the cliff, I felt lighter, like that was what I had to do, but then I hear my little sister calling me with a small voice, like when she is about to cry. I wanted to spread my wings and take off flying, but she was calling me. She needed me there, with her. But I wanted to know what was beyond the clouds, what was calling me.

Feeling torn, I looked down and I saw the abyss. A black pit that looked so terrifying. I took a step back immediately, too scared to move closer to the edge. What if I couldn’t fly? What if my wings weren’t enough and instead of going to the clouds, I fell down? Mum and Lizzie were here, safe and sound and I could stay with them, but never know what was waiting for me in the clouds.

“If you want to fly, you need to let yourself fall,” I heard someone saying on my dream and a hand on my shoulder. When I looked to my right, Liam was there, smiling encouragingly. My heart raced when I met his eyes, feeling like I could do anything as long as he was next to me. Feeling whole again.

I was about to tell him something, but then his hand left my shoulder and he jumped off the cliff, down to the abyss without hesitation.

I woke up screaming, never knowing if he flew or fell, just knowing he took the risk and jumped while I stayed behind, without him, where it was safe but where what I wanted wasn’t there.

I’ve thought of that dream since then, trying to give it a meaning and all I could come up with is that if I stay here in Chile, with Mum and Lizzie, I’m just picking the safe side of the story, where all I know it’s here. If I stay with them, I’m not taking any real risk. Someday I’ll get used to Chile, maybe in a few years, maybe I’ll even learn the language and I’ll study journalism, but that’s not exactly what I want or when I want it. What my heart desires is not here, it’s away in the clouds –what I suppose symbolism London, home–, it’s the opportunity of a life of my own. Liam jumped, he is already flying to that kind of life he is building for him, while I stay behind and see him fly farther and farther away from me.

I know what I want for me, I know it’s not exactly here, but I also want to be near my sister, I want to be for her like I’ve been for almost ten years. I don’t want to leave her behind, but I can’t take her with me. Taking her away from Mum is not an option.

And that’s why I’m so afraid to jump, it’s not only because I’m afraid I may not make it, but I’m also scared of losing Lizzie along the way.

And it’s worse when I think what would happen if I stay. I would see Liam once a year, maybe twice if we’re lucky. I’m just me, a plain girl who now lives so far away from him while he travels the world. I’m a girl who can’t even go to uni, who still lives with her mother even when she is about to turn nineteen. He is working to have his own life, to fulfil his dreams whilst I stay here, doing nothing. He will meet more and more people while I barely have one single friend here. Eventually, this won’t work anymore. Distance will win this and I can’t try to deny it.

If I stay here, I’ll lose Liam for sure. If I go, I may lose Lizzie.

How can I just jump? Either way, I’m losing something.

I hear the door opening and I know it’s Lizzie. Mum always knocks. So I brush my tears away before she gets to my bed and joins me. I’ve been spending a lot of time in my room, just lying on my bed, just contemplating my options and drowning in my pity party.

“Darcy, are you okay?” She asks making herself comfortable next to me. I rise and sit fate-to-face to her, trying to smile.

“Yes, I’m fine,” I lie but Lizzie doesn’t smile like she would normally do.

“You’re not. You’re sad again, Darcy. Why? I thought after you saw Liam you were going to be happy again, but you look sadder than before.” I look at my little sister with a shocked expression, holding my breath because I can’t believe what she’s told me.

“What– what do you mean?” I inquire, suddenly feeling very nervous.

“Since we came here, you don’t smile like you used to. I’ve always though you have the prettiest smile but now it’s not the same. Sometimes you smile, but you still look sad and you never did that before, only when we came here. Is it because you’re not happy here, Darcy?”

For a moment I don’t know what to answer. I didn’t think she could realise of my change. I thought she was so happy here, that she was so young that she wouldn’t notice how unhappy I was. But she did.

“It’s– it’s not that, Lizzie,” I try to tell her even when it’s true, I’m not happy here.

“Then what it is? Why don’t you want to tell me? You always say we have to be honest, but you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong.” I see how sad this makes her, because she doesn’t understand what’s going on, yet she knows there’s something that isn’t right here, with me.

“It’s complicated, Lizzie. I don’t think you can understand it,” I try softly, hoping she won’t feel offended.

“But you can try,” she replies back and I sigh.

How can I tell her all what’s happening? How can I tell her that I don’t want to live her but I don’t want to be away from her? How do I tell her that I want to start working to make my own life, to live on my own?

“I miss home,” I start.

“But this is our home now,” she looks confused and I take a deep breath before carrying on.

“Our old home. I miss our old house, London, and the life we had there. Here in Concepción I don’t feel like in home. I feel like a stranger here, like I don’t belong in this city.” Lizzie doesn’t say anything, she is just listening to me. “I’m not happy here, even when I have you and Mum, I need more. You have school, you have friends and you even have Snow now. I only have you two, I don’t even have Uni.”

“But you have Maje,” she intervenes this time and I sigh.

“But she is just a new friend I’m making. She’ll never be like Carter, whom I know since I’m a little girl. I miss him, you know? We always spent time together and now I haven’t seen him in seven months. And you know I want to be a journalist, but I can’t study that here in Concepción,” I carry on and I see how her eyes gets teary.

“So you don’t want to be here with us, you want to leave. But you said home is where family is and we’re here.” Her voice tells me she is about to cry. I’m hurting her, what I’ve always wanted to avoid, what I promised to never do.

“No! I want to be with you and Mum, but– but I’m old enough to start working on starting my own family, and my own family starts with myself. I need a job, I need to pursuit my dreams and I can’t do this here.”

“So you want to leave, you want to leave us.” This time I see how tears start falling down her cheeks and I feel like someone is stabbing me in the chest. “But I love you, Darcy.”

“And I love you! I don’t want to leave you, Lizzie.” I take her in my arms, hugging her with all my strengths. Her little arms wrap my neck, her face hidden in my shoulder. I feel new tears streaming down my face as well.

I can’t hurt her like this, I can’t do this to her.

“I’m not leaving, I’ll stay with you, Lizzie,” I say even when it’s not exactly what I want, but it’s what I have to do, what my promise obliges me to do.

But then my little sister pushes me away, her hands on my shoulder, putting distance between us. Her nose and eyes are red and her cheeks wet, but she breathes heavily. “But if you stay you will be unhappy and that’s going to be my fault. I don’t want you to be unhappy!”

“I can’t lave you, Lizzie. I don’t want to lose you,” I confess stroking her beautiful curls. How can I leave her behind just to follow my dreams? She is the most important person in my life.

“We’re sisters, you can’t lose me and I can’t lose you, right?” I catch my breath at her words, trying to understand what she is trying to tell me. “If you’re happy, I’m happy. I don’t want you to go because I love you and I want you to be with me, but I don’t like to see you cry, Darcy. And you cry a lot since we came here. I’ve heard you at night and that makes me cry, too.”

I hold a sob when she tells me that. She’s been crying just because I’ve been crying. I’ve been hurting her without even knowing.

“Just promise me you will come to see us all the time and that you will be happy, okay?” She says and my eyes widen, not daring to believe what it’s happening.

“But– but you– I can’t just leave you here,” I protest, still confused and astonished.

“It’s like in The Beauty & The Beast. The Beast lets Belle go because he knows that’s what she needs to do. When you love someone, you let them do what they have to do to be happy. And like Belle came back for the Beast, you’ll come back to us because we’re family and family never really leaves you. If you are happy, I’m happy. And when you come back to see us, you’ll really smile and that’s what I want, Darcy. I want you to smile like you used to smile when Mum wasn’t with us.”

I cover my mouth with a hand, trying to keep the sobs at bay as I realise how clever my sister is, how kind and selfless.

“I’ll miss you, but if you’re happy, even if you’re in London, Mum and I will be happy, too!” She adds more joyful this time. “And, you need to be a journalist because you’re going to be the best journalist of them all! The world needs you!” I chuckle at her words and hug her tighter.

With a honest smile on my lips, still hugging her and feeling how she holds on to me, I say “Disney movies have made you really clever.” She laughs at my statement and I hug her even tighter. “Thank you, Lizzie,” I add in a whisper.

“I love you, big sister,” she replies.

“And I love you, little sister.”

-:-:-:-

Did you think for a second that Darcy was staying? Ha! Told you Lizzie is a good girl and was going to put some sense in Darcy's head. 

Shout out for @Gabbie_Schultz, @brendyK, @onedirection544 and Lisbet! (I don't have your account, sorry! Happy birthday!)

Bel, xx