Chapter 38 ~ Liam

I can’t sleep, during the whole night all I can think of is Darcy. What will she do? Will she stay? Will she come back to London? I wish, oh so ardently, for her to come back, but I know that would hurt her. But how can I be apart from her again? I know I promised her that I would support her, but I really want her choose to me.

I feel terrible with myself, knowing that I want her to choose me over her family. And that’s the reason why I can’t tell her how much I want her to go back home with me. I can’t do that to her, it wouldn’t be fair and it would mean I don’t deserve her. I want to be worthy of her.

I’m really, really tired the next morning when Niall comes looking for me, telling me that the van is already waiting to take us to the venue for the sound check and a bit of rehearsal for the show tonight. I really want to stay here and try to catch some sleep, but I have a job to do. Plus, I know I’ll meet with Darcy there and if the possibility of her choosing to stay here is so plausible, I want to make every second I can have with her these days count.

“You look really tired,” Niall points out and I’m not in the mood to be nice this morning.

“Tell me something I don’t know. I didn’t sleep at all,” I answer with a low and sharp tone.

“Darcy, isn’t it? You’re thinking that after this you won’t see her in a long time, right?” I look at him surprised for how well he has picked up what’s going on. “I know it’s hard, Liam. Distance is bloody difficult, but she is eighteen, she will want to live by her own soon and maybe she will come back to London by then. I’m sure she won’t stay here forever.”

I wish I could be as sure as Niall about this, but I know Darcy. I know her better than he does and the bonding she has with her little sister is the strongest thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t think there’s something in this world that can cut that, nor even Darcy’s happiness. She is capable of everything just to make Lizzie happy and I’m afraid that may cost us our relationship.

But I don’t want to lose her. I love her and I know she brings the best of me, I know I’m a better Liam when I’m with her. I live my life, I make her live hers, she understands me and supports me, she cares so much about me and she makes me feel… whole. Like there’s nothing missing in my life. Even if there is something, I don’t miss it because when she is with me, I don’t need anything else.

I sigh deeply as we keep walking. “I can’t go other six months without seeing her, Niall. Skype is not enough, you know?”

“It’ll work out, mate. Believe me,” the Irish lad says taking my shoulder and squeezing it gently. I try to smile at him, but it’s rather difficult when I can’t be at ease with my thoughts.

The van takes us to the venue and we’re halfway to the sound check when I see her with Lizzie holding her hand and another girl about her age at the other side, smiling brightly. The girl is shorter than Darcy for a few inches, long and really curly brown hair, very feminine features and a huge smile. She dresses like Darcy, casually and feminine. Something tells me she is Maje, Darcy’s friend.

I forget I’m doing sound check when I see her, trying to jump off the stage just to get to her sooner. She smiles at me sweetly but then, as she gets closer, I see the fatigue in her eyes, in the dark bags under her eyes and I wonder if she slept last night. Maybe it was a difficult night for her too. Yeah, probably it was even harder for her.

I hear people calling my name, but I ignore them as I jump off the stage and run towards Darcy just to grab her in my arms as soon as I’m in front of her. I saw her last night, but still. After so long, I need to have her close all the time, just to make sure she is here, with me.

She chuckles in my arms and hugs me back. “What a lovely welcome, Liam. I’m glad to see you, too,” she says and I realise I have her in the air, so I put her down again and as I pull back just an inch, I take her face in my hands and kiss her lips, ignoring the lads on stage, the crew staring at us and Lizzie and Maje. Even though, I keep it as a slow and gentle kiss, nothing that would make massively uncomfortable the rest. For those kind of moments, we need privacy.

“I’m just happy you’re here. How you feeling? You look tired,” I tell her, not letting her face go yet.

“And so do you. Did you even sleep last night?” Sometimes I forget she knows me really well, too. I shake my head and she takes a deep sight. “I figure why,” is all what she mumbles and none of us says something else about that topic. “Anyways, Liam, this is my friend Maje. Maje, this is Liam,” Darcy introduces us to change the topic and only then I take my eyes off of my girlfriend to look at the other girl.

She is smiling so brightly and her eyes are really sparkling, then I remember she is a fan and that’s how they met with Darcy. I get closer to her and give her a hug that she was not expecting. For a second she doesn’t know what to do, then she hugs me back. “Thank you for being so kind to Darcy,” I whisper in her ear and she hugs be tighter for a second before pulling back. She looks in my eyes for three seconds before her smile turns even brighter than before.

“You love her as much as she loves you. It’s written all over your face,” she murmurs so only I can hear her and I can’t stop the smile to coming up to my lips. I nod, there’s no need to deny it.

Soon, the other lads get next to us, sound check completely forgotten already. Management must be furious right now, but I don’t care. We can go back to that pretty soon.

Darcy introduces Maje to the rest of the band and they are all nice to her. She looks like she can’t believe what it is happening and it takes a few minutes until she relaxes and starts talking to us normally. It’s no wonder why they became friends, Maje is really sweet and funny. I’m really glad they got to meet, I’m sure things would be even harder for Darcy if Maje wouldn’t be here with her.

After a few minutes, we have to finish with sound check and the rehearsal and after all we are allowed to have lunch. We decide to stay in the dressing room with Darcy, Maje and Lizzie. We order pizzas –loads of pizzas– and relax in that room. My girlfriend is always next to me, somehow we’re always in contact. Our thighs are pressed against each other, sometimes she rests her head on my shoulder, others I pass my arm around her and bring her closer, we hold hands, we forget about the rest.

With her there, I relax and just enjoy her company. I try to push aside all the thoughts of me leaving and she staying here. All the questions and what ifs. I don’t want to deal with that when we’re having such a lovely time together. I know I should ask her what she has thought about this, but I don’t want to push her. I know that when she takes a decision, she will let me know and whatever it is, I’ll accept it and make this work. No matter where she is. I can’t lose her. I just can’t.

But time flies and even if I want to, I can’t stop it from running out. First the concert, then the weekend with Darcy and Lizzie and finally, the day we have to leave because we have a concert in Argentina next. Even if I want, I can’t stay with Darcy or take her with me. I know she hasn’t made her mind yet and leaving without knowing what’s going to happen is like a bigger hole in my chest, but I can’t force her to give me an answer now.

Again, we find ourselves at the airport. A different one, smaller and stranger for me, but the situation is awfully similar, the only difference is that this time, I have to walk away whilst she stays behind. The very thought that I don’t know when I’ll see her again is choking me, making it hard to breathe and I know the guys know how hard this is for me and try to cheer me up, but it doesn’t work.

I hug Darcy so tightly I’m afraid I may hurt her, but I can loosen up, I just don’t want to part, I don’t want to be away from her again. If I could, at least, know when I’m going to see her again with certainty, this wouldn’t be that terrible but I can’t even have that. She holds on to me for dear life, her face buried in my shoulder as her hands grab my coat tightly in her fists.

“I’ll end up with a trauma with airports. I’m seriously hating them by now,” she comments in a light tone, but it doesn’t work. Her voice sounds as strangled as mine. “I don’t want to let you go,” she confesses next and I take a deep breath, because that’s exactly what I feel. “You leaving is like losing home all over again.”

“I hate leaving you. If I could, at least, know when I can see you again,” I blurt out and I regret my words immediately, knowing that they will only add weight to her shoulders.

“Maybe I can go and see you for a few weeks when you finish the tour,” she proposes in a small and shy voice, but for me it’s like the sun has come out when it’s midnight.

“That would be fantastic!” I exclaim, incapable of hiding my excitement. I pull her away just a tad bit to look her in the eyes and she is smiling in that adorable way of her, her little dimples showing off. “It gives me something to look forward.”

“Then it’s settled. Just let me know when the tour officially finishes and you’re free so I can go.”

“Will do. Oh my God, this is great!” I can’t contain my excitement. I grab her again in my arms, hugging her even tighter.

After we finish with South America, we head to Australia, New Zealand and Japan and with that, the tour is over. I can’t wait to be done with this so I can see her again. Now, definitely, I have something that will keep me going, knowing that at the end of this tour, I will see her again and maybe by then, she will finally know what she’ll do and with that we can figure out how to manage the situation.

“Liam, we have to go, mate,” Zayn reminds me when I put Darcy back on the floor with her still giggling in my arms.

His words are like a slap across my face, bringing me back to reality. I’ll see her again soon, yet I still have to say goodbye, leaving her so far away.

“Okay,” I mumble putting my forehead against hers. “I’ll miss you so much.”

“Me too, but I’ll see you soon. We can’t forget that,” she answers and I nod. Definitely, I won’t forget that, it is what will keep me going for the rest of this tour.

“And remember, love, whatever you decide, you have my unconditional support. Just promise me you will do what it feels right not only for the rest, but for you, okay?”

She stares at me with so much pain in her eyes, but at the same time I know she understands what I’m asking her this and why.

“I will,” she promises in a whisper and I nod, hoping that she will, for this time, put herself first and think of what it’s best for her instead of what’s the best for everyone else. “I love you, Liam.”

“I love you too, babe. I’ll see you soon,” I add leaning in to kiss her lips one last time until we can meet again. I make sure to make it count, to keep the memory of the taste of her kiss with me for a long time. I don’t care abut the PDA right now, I just try to take as much as I can before leaving.

We finally pull away and her eyes show so much pain, probably the same pain I feel in my chest, squeezing my heart mercilessly. I step back and as I turn around and start walking away, I feel how my chest feels emptier and maybe it’s because I’ve left my heart with her. Again.