Chapter 37 ~ Darcy

I haven’t been this happy in so long that I can’t get rid of the silly smile plastered on my lips, it’s just that having Liam with me again is the most wonderful thing that had happened to me since I moved to Concepción. It’s like he has brought me light again, I feel lighter, I feel alive again. I feel I’m home again, when he holds me in his arms, when he kisses me, I feel like I’m where I belong. I don’t have that hole in my chest eating me from inside when I look him in the eyes, or that desire to burst out crying because I don’t know what to do. I’ve thought so much of what I should do, and I’ve really tried to make things work. I’ve met more people, mostly fans of the boys, and they have been all so wonderful. There’s this girl, she’s about my age and she studies medicine, Maje. She the only one I can call a friend here, we can talk about so many things and we go and have coffee every time she has a break. She speaks English fluently, so we don’t have any problem communicating and she is even helping me with my Spanish. I promised her I would help her to meet the boys.

The point is, I’ve really tried to feel at home here, but I can’t. Even if I made a friend and I’ve really grown fond of her, I still feel like I don’t belong here. Maje is studying what she loves whilst I can’t, even if I want to go to uni, it’s just impossible. I’m really terrible at Spanish.

But now Liam is here and for first time in six months, I feel whole again. He looks at me with that smile and it seems like all this time we’ve been apart has been worth it, he is with me again. I’ve missed him so much, I can’t believe we haven’t seen each other in so long, but my feelings for him only grew in strength in this time. I love him even more.

And then I think he will be here only for three days and then he will be gone. I won’t see him again in months, maybe until next year. The only thought is like a dagger through my chest and I even feel my head spinning as my knees go weak. How am I supposed to handle that? I feel alive, I feel happy now that he’s here, but once he leaves, he will take all this happiness and light with him again and I’ll stay here, in a place where I don’t belong.

Mum gave me the option, she told me that I could go back to London if that makes me happy and I really want to go back, to be with Liam and study what I want, but how can I leave Lizzie behind? She’s been my whole life for so long and not because I started to live my own life it means I can forget about her and just care about my own desires. I know she has Mum now, but still, I’ve been for her all this time, if I leave… she’d feel like I don’t love her anymore, that I don’t want to be with her and be a family.

I want to jump into this, but she is holding me back in a way. When she was just a little baby I promised her that I would never hurt her, but if I leave… I’ll be breaking my promise. I can’t do that, even if it means to be unhappy.

“Something wrong?” Liam asks when I’m driving home. Management asked me to take him to the hotel immediately, but Liam wanted to see Lizzie first. So at the end, I end up driving home with the boys on the back seat and Liam next to me.

“Nothing, I was just thinking,” I answer without taking my eyes off of the road. I have to pay even more attention whilst driving here, sating at the right is so hard.

I feel his unease and I really want to smile at him at least, but I’m afraid to look away. Later, when we’re home, we can talk. I’m sure he won’t let this pass, he surely feels my discomfort. But I’m afraid of telling him that Mum gave me the choice to leave. What if he asks me to go back? To go with him and leave my family behind? It’s already hard to think of saying I want to leave to Lizzie. If he asks me to go and I decide to stay, how am I going to tell him that? And I know that he asks me that, I will want to say yes, to leave and go back home, with him.

I finally get home and park. Mum got a big house here, we have two spare rooms though we’ve never had guests here. It has a big garden for Lizzie to play with Snow. It’s a beautiful and cosy house, yet I still miss our old house in London.

When we walk in, I hear Lizzie running with Snow following her closely behind. “Darcy is that you? Are they with you?” She shouts before she appears in living room and when she sees the lads, she literally squeals. Snow gets scared and looks at her confused. But then Lizzie is running and the first one to catch her is Harry, smiling widely as he spins her around. “Harry, you’re here!”

I can’t help smile at the way Harry is hugging my little sister. It reminds me of Carter and how he treated Lizzie all the time. “I missed you so much! Lux also misses you, she came here with us so you have to see her,” the curly-haired boy tells her with the little girl still in his arms as they approach the others as well so everyone has their turn greeting Lizzie.

Everyone hugs her and says how much they’ve missed her and then they see Snow and after that it gets confusing. They really like dogs. Soon, Mum is there to see the guys. Her smile is wide and welcoming as she approaches, carefully taking some glimpses of me, watching me carefully. I’m still smiling like an idiot, with Liam holding my hand and I’m sure she notices that.

“Hello, boys. Did you have a pleasant fly? I’m still making dinner as Darcy told me last minute you were coming. Hope you don’t mind waiting a little bit,” Mum tells them and I’m not lying, their eyes literally sparkle when they hear her.

“Home cooking?”

“This is a mum’s cooking, Niall. It’s even better,” Zayn corrects with a dreamy voice and we laugh at them. Being on tour must be hard, away from home, always on hotels and places they have never been before.

So they don’t really mind waiting a bit more, as long as they get a home meal and Liam doesn’t stop telling them how good my mum’s cooking is. By the time we’re having dinner, the lads almost cry when they have the first bite. Mum is really amused and Lizzie doesn’t stop giggling.

After dinner Lizzie, Harry, Zayn, Louis, Niall and Snow play hide and seek in the house whilst Mum is in her office, working on her project a bit more, so she has asked us to be as quiet as possible. Liam and I are in my room here, I’m showing him pictures of the places I’ve visited since I got here. I also tell him about that morning when we woke up with a strong earthquake. Lizzie and I were crying, Mum was so excited. Later that day when I told Maje about it, she laughed, saying that it was normal for them to have those kind of earthquakes and that it had been a soft one. I really don’t wanna know how a really strong earthquake would be.

Liam really wants to meet Maje, I’ve told him loads about her already.

“It’s good you have a friend here, it makes this easier, right?” He asks hugging me from behind, his chin resting on my shoulder as I put the photo album back to its place on the shelf.

“She does make this easier, but still, it’s hard to feel at home here. It’s like everything is yelling at me: you don’t belong here, you’re just a stranger, a traveller.” When I say those words, he hugs me tighter and makes me turn around until we’re face-to-face.

“I wish I could do something about it. Darcy, I’d give everything if I could just make things okay for you. I hate that you’re feeling like this but I can’t do anything to help,” he tells me, his eyes so intense and I press my lips tightly to control my emotions before they overwhelm me.

“When you’re here with me, it feels like home,” I whisper wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face in his chest, holding on to him tightly.

He doesn’t reply, he only hugs me tighter and I feel his breathing in my hair as his hands rub my back. I don’t want to let him go, I want to stay like this, in his arms, forever, because when he holds me like this, I don’t need anything else.

“Why can’t we find a solution for this?” He inquires and I wish I could answer. “I swear I don’t know how I’m supposed to leave again with you staying here. I’ve missed you so much and I don’t know if I can do this again. I want to be stronger for you, but I can’t help it. When I saw you today at the airport it was like everything was fine in the world again. I’ve felt incomplete since you left.”

His words are like he could read my mind, like the same words I have stuck in my throat. I hug him tighter, wishing that with that I could fix everything. It’s not an easy decision, it’s choosing between what I want, where I want to be… and my family. I love my family, I can’t hurt them. I would never forgive myself if I hurt my family, but Mum says that being unhappy hurts her anyways.

I just don’t know what to do!

I don’t realise the moment I start crying, I just know my tears are soaking Liam’s hoodie and I’m shaking in his arms. “Darcy, please, don’t cry,” he begs but his words only make it worse.

“I don’t know what to do! Mum told me that if I wanted to go back to London, I could. She isn’t forcing me to stay here; it’s my decision. Whatever I want, she will support me, but how can I just leave them here and go back to London? How can I leave Lizzie no matter how much I want to fly back home,” I blurt out and I feel Liam tensing against me, his arms like stone around me.

“So if you want, you can leave. You don’t need to be here,” he says out loud, as if he is tasting the words in his mouth. I nod against his chest, I can’t meet his eyes.

“But if I leave, I’ll hurt Lizzie. If I stay, I’ll hurt myself… and you,” I add and this time he grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me a little bit so I can see his eyes, the intensity of his glance.

“Do you know how much I want to ask you to come back with me?” My heart stops at his words. “But I can’t do that, no matter how much I need you with me. I am selfish, but I can’t be that selfish with you. But I can’t let you sacrifice yourself again. Darcy, that’s all what you’ve done, always putting Lizzie first and forgetting about you. It’s okay if you want something and if that isn’t the easiest for Lizzie.” I want to look away, it hurts me what he is saying because I know it’s true. I’ve always been the least important and it’s because I’ve wanted it like that. “What would happen if later Lizzie finds out that you only stayed because of her and that you weren’t happy here?” He asks and I catch my breath.

That could make her feel guilty, she probably would be even mad at me for not telling her what was happening. But she is only nine, I can’t ask her to understand all this.

“Put yourself in her shoes. Would you like Lizzie to sacrifice herself so you can have everything?” When he asks me that, I know the answer immediately.

“Never,” I whisper.

“I’m sure she wouldn’t like it either. Plus, if you want to go, you’ll still be her sister, you’ll still be there. No matter how far away you are, you’ll always be the closest siblings ever. Darcy,” he breathes in, his left hand cupping my face and stroking my cheek softly. “She is your sister and you’re hers, she also wants the best for you. She wants you to be happy. You can’t forget about that.”

“But I’ve done that all my life,” I confess, still feeling lost.

“And don’t you think it’s time to stop?” I look at him, at the way he is smiling at me, encouraging me to do the right thing. “I’m not saying you should go or stay, I’m just telling you to do what you think is the right thing to do. Don’t do it for me, don’t do it for Lizzie. Do it for you. That’s what we all want, Darcy, for you to make the decision that makes you happy.”

I breathe slowly, processing everything that he has said to me, trying to clean my mind so I can make a decision.

“Whatever you decide,” he adds putting our foreheads together. “I’ll support you and we’ll make it work. I love you and I know that’s enough to make it work.” Then he kisses me and I just let myself get lost in the kiss, in the bliss of that moment when nothing else matters.

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Early update because you're amazing! Thans for those 1k votes on the previous chapter. This is dedicated to my friend Maje. We met when I was livng and studying geology in Concepción. I hope you liked the surprise ;)

Shout out for @Elaina_12, @ThatBoGirl and @cremeaholic for their birthdays! Have lovely days, girls!

Bel, xx